AARON GRIPPED CHARLIE’S hand a little tighter on their walk home from school the following Monday. The weather was as grey and dreary as his mood, but he needed to put on a brave face for his son. He’d had lots of practice this weekend.
‘So how was school today?’ he asked, trying to distract them both from thoughts of Stella.
‘Okay.’ Charlie looked up at him with a frown. Was his misery, his heartsickness displayed all over his face? He’d relived their demise a thousand times, each time growing more certain of where he’d gone wrong.
He’d messed up. He’d spent so many years living in the past that when Stella turned his world upside down, it had taken him too long to fully let go of his fear. He loved Stella. He should have told her the moment he realised. Instead he’d tried to protect himself by easing into the confession, sussing out her feelings first, telling himself that she needed to take things slowly.
He clenched his jaw. His regrets were piled so high, he felt caged in, claustrophobic, trapped by his own stupidity. Because after everything she had been through, Stella deserved to know how he felt, even if she didn’t love him in return.
‘Dad...’ Charlie tugged his hand.
‘Mmm...’
‘Johnny said that he’s been to London where Dr Stella is,’ continued Charlie, ‘and there’s a giant wheel that spins you around and around,’ he made a washing-machine motion with his free arm, ‘and a clock called Big Bell.’
‘Big Ben,’ Aaron corrected, his stomach sinking. He was never going to get away without some searching questions about Stella’s relocation.
Charlie nodded, eyes wide at his father’s confirmation that, once again, Johnny was the class know-it-all. ‘And the Queen lives there in a gold palace. And guess what, Dad?’
‘What’s that, Champ?’ Aaron’s gut twisted into knots.
‘The Queen has her own horses, hundreds of them.’
He zoned out of his son’s exuberant chatter.
He should never have let Stella go. He should have chased after her sooner. By the time he had called at Stella’s parents’ house horribly early on Saturday morning, she had already left for London. He’d hoped to convince her that his declaration wasn’t a trick to keep her here to ensure a steady supply of great sex. That he loved her. That he should have said it sooner, the minute he had started to feel it, but he’d freaked out, telling himself to go slow, that her caution was natural, expected after she had been so badly hurt in the past.
‘Perhaps Stella will be able to ride one of the Queen’s horses,’ said Charlie. ‘She likes riding horses, like me, and she went to my school when she was five. Perhaps if I ever go to London, she could help me to ride one of the Queen’s horses too.’
Every mention of Stella’s name was like a scalpel between the ribs. ‘Maybe, although the Queen’s horses have very important jobs to do. They are kind of like soldiers.’
Charlie’s eyes rounded at the sheer marvellousness of that concept. ‘Can we go and see them, Dad? Can we?’ He jumped up and down and then galloped off yelling, ‘Giddy up!’
Aaron envied his son’s ability to bounce back from unmet expectations. If only he could shrug off his regrets so easily. Stella had been right about him: he had carried guilt for letting Molly and Charlie down, a form of penance for being human. But fear of commitment had gone on long enough. He would always love Molly, but he loved Stella too. And unless he showed her that he was ready to take the chance on them as a couple, a family, Stella, him and Charlie, how could he expect her to take the same risk?
His relationship with Stella had popped holes in his fear as if deflating a balloon. If he was happy, Charlie would be happy. He’d met a wonderful woman who understood his work and his life, and most importantly understood him. They shared the same dreams. Yes, they were both scared, both figuring this thing between them out. But was that reason enough to be apart?
Charlie was swinging on the gate, waiting for his father to catch up, when Aaron arrived.
‘Will Dr Stella still help me ride Zeus, Dad? ’Cos I really like her and I really like Zeus.’
Aaron’s throat constricted. It was time to do everything in his power to make this work. ‘I’m not sure, Champ.’
Here came the question Aaron had been expecting since he told Charlie about Stella’s transfer over breakfast. ‘Don’t you need her at your work any more?’
Yes! Of course he needed her, at work and out of work. It didn’t matter where, Stella belonged with them, part of their boys’ club.
Aaron hesitated. He always strove to tell Charlie the truth.
‘I do need her. I need to tell her that.’ And more. He scooped Charlie up and kissed the top of his head before placing him back on his feet. ‘I really like her too.’
‘Then you should kiss her, Dad. Johnny says his dad kisses his mum whenever she’s mad, and it makes her smile again.’
How could Charlie with his youthful wisdom and uncomplicated vision of the world show him how simple it was to follow your heart?
Aaron’s own heart clenched so violently he feared that he might pass out. ‘We might need to have Johnny over for tea again some time soon. Clearly I have a lot to learn from that kid. Now, enough about kisses. Let’s go and see what Grandma has cooked for dinner, shall we? Because I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.’
‘I hope it’s shepherd’s pie. I had shepherd’s pie for lunch and it was yum. Johnny says it’s made of shepherds but I know that’s not right, is it, Dad?’
‘No. Johnny’s wrong there.’ But he certainly had a point about the kissing.
Stella sat in the crowded Southbank bar with Darcy. They’d attended the nearby winter market, and, rather than fill Stella’s heart with festive cheer, as it normally would, she only felt frozen to the core.
Stella had arranged to meet her friends for drinks and dancing in the hope that it would shock her system back to normal. Except every time the door swung open to admit a customer, her stomach swooped with dread. She no more felt like dancing than she felt like taking a plunge in the frigid Thames outside.
To distract herself from the nausea of having made the worst mistake of her life, she looked out at the lights twinkling over the river. Were they dimmer than they had been a month ago?
Everything seemed to have lost its shine.
She wanted to be back in Abbotsford, sitting in the Abbotsford Arms with Aaron in front of the roaring fire. She wanted to wake up on Saturday morning and take Charlie to the stables to see the horses. She wanted to walk across the fields holding the hands of her two boys while they talked about nothing and everything, especially what they would have for dinner.
She had finally opened the letter from Charlie that morning and sobbed her heart out. He’d done a drawing of himself seated majestically on Zeus. The caption read This was the best day.
And he was right. In many ways it had been the best day. She had begun to admit her love for Aaron. But it also represented the worst day ever, a day when the rot had set in, destroying all hope.
‘You should have stayed,’ said Darcy, her gaze sympathetic, despite the bluntness of her message.
‘Not this again.’ Ever since Stella had returned to the flat they’d shared and she had confessed her dalliance with Aaron, Darcy had been on a mission to point out the glaringly obvious in that way unique to sisters.
Darcy’s face crumpled with compassion. ‘I know it’s terrifying. Believe me, I fought loving Joe with everything in me. But I was just fooling myself.’
‘I don’t love Aaron.’ Lie.
Darcy ignored Stella’s denial. She knew her too well. ‘I understand. It’s hard for you after last time. But this is different. Aaron is mature and dependable.’
‘He said he was falling for me,’ Stella said because she’d drunk two glasses of mulled wine and she had previously omitted that part of the tale.
Darcy’s eyes lit up before Stella shook her head.
‘You don’t believe him,’ said Darcy.
Oh, how she wanted to believe him. The need burned inside her like an ember. She shook her head, her cheeks warm with shame. ‘I’ve heard empty words before.’
‘And you want actions?’ Darcy twirled the stem of her wine glass thoughtfully. ‘You want him to prove his love by sky-writing it across the city? Buying you a horse? Moving himself and his son and his practice to London?’
Stella gasped, horrified by the last image. ‘No. Of course not.’
The idea of Aaron and Charlie uprooting from Abbotsford was preposterous. Aaron had his job, his family obligations, and Charlie deserved the idyllic childhood both she and Aaron had had growing up in the country. They belonged in Abbotsford.
‘So, what did you say?’ asked Darcy. ‘Did you tell him how you feel?’
Stella deflated, crumpling like a paper bag. ‘No...’ Why hadn’t she? She wanted Aaron. She wanted Charlie. She should have told Aaron, fought for him, not run away. What would Charlie think about her broken promise to help him ride Zeus again?
‘It sounds to me,’ said Darcy, in her eldest sister tone, ‘that you were both being cautious, both protecting yourselves.’
‘I guess.’ Why was everything so clear with a little distance? She didn’t want to admit outright that Darcy was correct, but her insides were coiled tight like a spring, desperate to act. Despite all of her talk, Stella had clung to the last shreds of her fear, needing to be certain of Aaron’s commitment first.
Neither of them had taken that final leap of faith.
‘Of course,’ continued Darcy, ‘he also has Charlie to think about, so...’
‘So I’m going to stop hiding here and tell him how I feel.’ She stood, scraping back her stool. ‘I belong in Abbotsford with them.’
Darcy grinned. ‘That’s a relief,’ she said, tugging Stella back onto her stool. ‘Because Joe has asked me to move in with him, so I’ll be moving out too.’
Stella hugged Darcy, her eyes burning. ‘I’m so happy for you.’
She just wanted her own happy ending too. She wanted Aaron and Charlie and spaghetti and meatballs.
She pressed a kiss to Darcy’s cheek. ‘You were right. I do love him. Desperately.’
‘Of course you do,’ murmured Darcy, squeezing her tight.
Stella laughed, swiping at her damp cheeks. ‘Why are you always right?’
Darcy shrugged. ‘It’s a big-sister thing. Get used to it.’
‘I’m leaving now.’
Darcy grabbed her arm. ‘You can’t drive.’
‘I’ll take the train.’ For her men, she would walk every step back to Abbotsford if she had to, because some risks were worth taking.