Elijah
My brain wouldn’t slow down enough for me to get much sleep. Every time I tried, I thought about Danny and Garrett. And about Shaw. I couldn’t quit obsessing about his message to Rural, his willingness to help me, and the fact that I’d agreed to do this with him.
It wasn’t me. I didn’t do things like this, but on the other hand, I figured most people didn’t do shit like this. Who decided to fake-date their neighbor whom they’d anonymously emailed for advice on scoring their best friend?
It was a disaster, and I still couldn’t understand why Shaw had agreed to do it. I was freaking out every time I acknowledged what I’d agreed to.
That led me to do what I often did when I was confused: go see my mom.
Which, yes, was maybe childish and strange, but my mama was a strong woman and I was her only baby. She didn’t take shit from anyone, and I’d always loved that about her. Just being around her made things better.
It took about forty-five minutes to get to my hometown. The population was at around thirty thousand, and continued to grow each year, so not big, but could be smaller. People still knew everyone and went to the same churches, even though there were almost as many to choose from as there were people. My high school had been both small enough that I stood out and big enough that I could be forgotten.
It was around ten when I pulled into the driveway. Dad was outside, mowing the lawn. He looked up and smiled at me. His blond hair and blue eyes gave him a boy-next-door look, and he had been that all his life. He was quarterback in high school and played a little in college before he got hurt. Now he was in marketing. It had been a little hard for us sometimes. He hadn’t ever considered that he might have a gay son. He loved me and supported me. I would never doubt that but there was always a part of me that knew he wished I were different. That wished that even if I was gay, I was a little more like Danny gay, and not gay gay. Guys with even the slightest bit of femininity always got the worst of it.
Dad turned off the mower. “Isn’t this a surprise!”
“Felt like coming to see you guys.”
“That’s good. Your mama will be happy. I need to finish up here. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
I nodded and headed toward the house. We were an average middle-class family, lived on a cul-de-sac, in a two-story house that looked perfect from the outside, was pretty good inside, but like every home, had its secrets.
I opened the door, and Mom looked up at me from her chair. She had half her dark hair tied back, a quarter of it in individual box braids, and was twisting her fingers on a new one.
Her eyes lit up when she saw me. She was, and had always been, my biggest supporter. I loved her more than anyone in the world. “Hey, you! Didn’t expect to see you today.”
I walked over, hugged her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Hey, Mama. You haven’t done your hair in a while.”
“Didn’t feel like messin’ with it.”
“So you’re spending ten hours braiding it?” I teased.
“You know what I mean.”
I sat down on the couch across from her. This was the house I grew up in. Until I moved out, I never knew what it was like to live between walls other than these.
“What are you doing home?”
“Don’t know. I missed my mom.”
She smiled as she tied back the rest of her hair. There was a silk cap on the arm of the chair, which she slipped over her hair. “Well, come on, then; let’s get to it.”
Mom loved baking, and it was one of our favorite things to do together. She said it relaxed her. “Only if I get the bowl when we’re finished,” I replied, already standing.
“Boy, you’re pushing it. You got the bowl last time.”
“Yeah, but you love me and you’re excited to see me.”
She laughed and playfully rolled her eyes. “I get one beater.”
We decided to make a chocolate cake. Mom always had stuff for baking in the house, so we had choices. Once we had our hands washed and began, she asked, “How’s Danny doing?”
I bit back my groan. Thinking about Danny was too weird lately, and it also made me think about Shaw, and I didn’t want to think about Shaw. There also wasn’t a bit of shock in me that Mom had asked. She was a big Danny supporter. “He’s doing good. Same. He’s into this guy…”
“Like really into him?” Mom asked. “That’s new.”
“I know, right? Danny doesn’t do this. It’s freaking me out. And the guy seems like an ass.” Okay, so maybe I did want to talk about it. I loved that I could say anything to her. Not that she knew I thought I was in love with him. I frowned. Thought? Where did that come from?
“Well, you guys aren’t teenagers anymore, so it was bound to happen. I think Danny feels like he’s supposed to be out there playing the field more than he actually wants to.”
She paused, and I thought that over for a minute. See? That was how I felt too. That was the difference between Danny and Shaw. Danny wanted more. Shaw actively fought against it.
“How do you feel about it?” she asked, and I turned to look at her. “And get the eggs,” she added.
I grabbed them from the fridge, trying to figure out why she asked me how I felt about Danny liking someone. “I don’t know. I don’t really have a right to feel anything about it.” Only, I did feel things.
“Why not? He’s your best friend, and if one of you gets serious, that changes the dynamic of your relationship. Not that someone will come between the two of you. I’m not saying that, but it’s inevitable that things change.” She broke an egg into the bowl.
This wasn’t making me feel better at all. What would I do if I lost Danny? If things changed and he moved forward without me?
“You know,” Mom said without waiting for my reply, “change doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be a good thing. I know you…I know you care a lot about him, and I know he feels the same way about you. I want to make sure you know that you and Danny can be best friends, but he doesn’t have to be all you have.”
“I have Brooklyn too.”
She rolled her eyes, not accepting that answer for a minute. “Don’t play dumb with me. You know what I mean. I love Danny. I’m thankful for Danny. I think Danny will always be a part of your life, but there’s a world outside of him, that’s all. Now I’ll shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. You know how hard that is for me.”
I chuckled, not really feeling it. “Yeah, I know. I can’t believe you offered to do it.”
“I can take it back,” she countered. “And you’re slacking on the job. Aren’t you supposed to be helping me with this?”
“Yeah, Mama.”
We continued baking the cake. She talked about work and Dad and family, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d said. Mom had never spoken like that about Danny before, and I didn’t know what made her do it today. Did she know I had feelings for him? And I knew there was a world out there beyond Danny Reyes…right?
Once we had the cake in the oven, Dad came inside. He washed his hands before kissing Mom. They were the definition of a happy marriage. Things hadn’t always been easy on them. Life had thrown surprises their way—disapproving family and the like—but they took on every battle together. Maybe that was why I didn’t do the obsessive hookup thing. I wanted what they had; well, minus the marriage and kids because I was too young to think about that shit and didn’t know if I’d ever want it. The commitment, though, that I was feeling. And the always having someone by your side.
“You should stay for lunch,” Dad told me. “I’ll order pizza.”
“Have you ever known me to turn down free food?” I replied, and they both laughed.
I leaned against the counter, waiting for the cake to finish, while Dad ordered food. I wasn’t sure what made me do it, but suddenly I was pulling my cell out of my pocket and logging in to my ILWMBF email account. Saw a message from Anonymous. From Shaw.
We should have lunch today. We have evil plotting ahead of us. You’re not going to get a B…a boy…a boyfriend (ew) by magic, are you?
Text me.
S
I looked at his phone number…thought…then didn’t allow myself to think anymore. I added his number to my phone.
Hey, it’s Elijah. I’m with my parents. I sent the text message, then typed out another single-word message. Dinner?
His response came back right away. You already did it, didn’t you? You’re already in love with me.
I think you’re a little too obsessed with me falling in love with you. Maybe you’re not as anti-love as you think you are.
Elijah? This is Shaw’s friend Will. I’m sorry to tell you this, but he laughed so hard after reading your last text message that he choked and died.
I rolled my eyes. Something’s seriously wrong with you.
“There’s that pretty smile of yours I love,” Mama said. “Tell Danny I said hi.”
My lips automatically pulled into a frown. I was not smiling at Shaw’s pretending-to-be-Will text the way I would Danny’s.
It was impossible. I refused to believe otherwise.