Elijah
The following day, the first thing I did was look into ballet lessons. I was really racking up the extra expenses, so I decided I’d have to slow down on eating out to keep up with it all and maybe start using MARTA, the local public transportation, more often than car services. It wasn’t that I made bad money, but I wasn’t what I’d call totally comfortable either. Luckily, our apartment complex was fairly priced compared to most of Midtown.
Really, though, I spent the next couple of days thinking about Shaw much more than I should have. It was like he’d worked his way into my head, and now that he was there, I didn’t know how to evict him, or why I didn’t mind him hanging around.
We’d had fun the other night. At least I had, and that shit was so fucking tangled in my head that I didn’t know how to unknot it, or even if I had the energy to try.
We were also still texting multiple times a day, stupid little things like, Ugh, I slept like shit last night, or I don’t wanna go to work, or Oooh, did you see that new protein-bowl place that opened on Slauson?
It was Saturday now, and I’d had several back-to-back classes to teach that morning. I was walking home when I got a text from Danny and realized I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days. This was an off week for dinner. I couldn’t remember the last time that happened, which made discomfort slide down my spine. How could I not have noticed? How could we not have spoken? At the very least, we always checked in with each other.
Instead of replying, I hit the Call button. Only half a ring sounded in my ear before he said, “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Heading home from work. What are you doing?”
“Missing my bestie and thought I’d see what you’re doing.”
I smiled. “I miss you too. I’m not doing anything. Do you want to hang out for a bit? I’m trying to be careful with cash, so I can’t do too much.”
“We can go to the aquarium. My treat.”
Excitement sizzled beneath my skin. Danny knew I loved the aquarium. It was a little silly, as I’d been a hundred times, but it was still one of my favorite places. “I don’t want you to have to pay.”
“Please. It’s not like you’ve never paid for shit for me. This is us, Eli. What’s yours is mine and all.”
He was right, of course. Who paid for what was never something Danny and I worried about with each other; we bought each other stuff all the time, or paid for each other’s meals and such. We never worried about it because we knew we’d always see each other and return the favor. “Okay. I’m almost home. Let me run in and clean up.”
“I’ll head over.”
I got to my building and took the elevator up. My eyes lingered on Shaw’s door for a moment, and I wondered if he was home or what he was doing that day. I unlocked my door and went inside, turned on the shower, and grabbed some clothes. I brushed my teeth, stripped, then got in and cleaned up real quick. I was drying off when I heard a noise from the living room.
“It’s me,” Danny called out.
“I’m just getting out of the shower.” I wrapped a towel around my waist and put on deodorant. Danny came into my room with a coffee in each hand.
“Got your caramel latte with an extra shot.”
“Oh my God. You’re the best.”
He kissed my cheek, then sat on the bed. I took a drink and moaned because coffee was life. I went to my dresser and grabbed a pair of boxer trunks, pulling them on under my towel as we chatted about the aquarium and how much better he felt after having been sick…which holy fuck, I’d forgotten about. I was losing my shit.
A few minutes later, we were out of my apartment and taking MARTA to the aquarium. “Are you excited to see all your little fishies?” he teased.
“Be nice to me. You know I love them. I wish I had the money to get a big salt-water tank.”
“I know you do. You’ll get one eventually.” This was nice, hanging out like we always had. I’d always felt comfortable with Danny, like I could just be.
“Thank you. I’m glad you called. I really did miss you.”
“I missed you too, hermano. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I need my Eli time.” He dropped his head against my shoulder and rested it there.
“I need my Danny time too. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” He sat up, looked at me, and scrunched his nose up like it was a silly question.
We came to our stop and got out. It was a quick walk across the park and around the water fountain toward the aquarium, and then Danny was paying and we were going inside.
“I wonder what they have that’s new,” I said, eager to spend this time with him. I wondered if Shaw liked the aquarium or ever came here, a thought that had totally come out of nowhere.
“What’s that? You frowned.”
“Nothing.” I shook my head.
We explored the aquarium together, took our time at all the tanks. My favorite thing was that Danny never rushed me, even though we’d seen some of the sights over and over. We petted the sharks and watched the seahorses. I rambled, and he listened. Danny really was the best kind of friend.
About two hours later, we were exiting the aquarium. He motioned toward the tables in front of a lemonade stand. The Coca Cola Factory and the Center for Civil and Human Rights were across from us, with a grassy area in between.
I told him I’d grab us drinks, and he nodded. Once I was back, I sat across from him as he set his phone on the table.
“What have you been up to?” I asked.
“Nothing exciting. I was sick, then working. I hung out with Garrett one night.”
I groaned. Because of course he went out with Garrett.
“You don’t seem to like him very much,” Danny said.
“You don’t seem to like Shaw either,” I countered, when really, I had no reason to. Shaw and I weren’t hooking up like Danny and Garrett, and we also weren’t pretending to be seeing each other anymore.
“That’s because you and I know of him, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
I rolled my eyes. “Shaw isn’t going to hurt me.” I didn’t like Shaw that way because he drove me crazy, and he would never want to settle down anyway. “Are you and Garrett still…?”
“Hooking up?” He smiled. “Sometimes, yeah, but it’s not serious or exclusive, which I know you disapprove of.”
“For me,” I told him, then conceded. “And maybe it annoys me about other people too.”
Danny laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
It was hard being different that way. Obviously, I knew there were gay men my age in Atlanta who wanted something more, but I felt outnumbered. “Are you still…whatever you were with him before?”
“Nah.” He shook his head. “It was just a thing. I like having sex with him and hanging out with him.”
I waited for that familiar feeling to hit me…the want, the heart-eyes-cartoon feeling. Waited for my pulse to speed up, and to wish Danny wanted something with me, but it wasn’t there. It was stalling or some shit, and I couldn’t make sense of it. Why wasn’t I acting like a lovesick fool? Why wasn’t I creating Danny and Eli love stories in my head?
“He’s not an asshole like you seem to think he is,” Danny added. “But I think it was the chase, like we said. I’m over it. Are you and Shaw still hanging out?”
I shook the confusing questions from my head. “Yeah. We’re just friends, though. It’s not anything. It might have seemed like it, or maybe I made it seem like it, but yeah, just friends.” And the F word hadn’t even gotten stuck in my throat once. Go me.
“I still think he’s kind of a dick. It felt like he was trying to mark his territory or some shit. You make sure he knows I’m your best friend and not going anywhere.” Danny winked, playfully, and oh my God, why wasn’t I swooning? What in the hell was wrong with me?
I was still trying to sort through what was going on as I replied, “I would never replace you,” which was true.
“Are you two doing that dancing class?”
That was the perfect distraction from what I wasn’t feeling. “Yes. It was great. And I’m way better at it than he is—always a plus. He thinks he’s good at everything, and he probably is at most things. He’s that guy, ya know? The one who can do anything. But yeah, it was fun. We’re going to continue taking them, at least until we learn the cha-cha. We also have this gala our instructor Susanne puts on, which we’re gonna do. It made me realize how much I really do miss dancing. I signed up for ballet lessons, hence the cash-flow problem.”
Danny’s thick brows were pulled together. His mouth was tight, but not in a way that told me he was angry, only confused.
“What?”
He gave me a small smile. “Nothing. I… I’m happy for you. The dance thing. It sounds good. You were always a beautiful dancer. I’m glad you’re getting that back, and I hope Shaw is a good friend, is all. If he’s not, I’ll kick his ass.”
“Or, you know, I’ll do it for myself. Not that anyone would need to. He’s not as bad as I thought, and like I said, we’re just friends, so it’s not like there’s anything to worry about.” Great. Now it was going to take a while before he stopped thinking Shaw and I were hanging out in a different way than we actually were.
Danny nodded, then leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
“What was that for?” It wasn’t that we didn’t kiss often, but it was usually hello or goodbye.
“Because I wanted to,” he said, pulling his straw out of his cup and flicking it at me so I got sprayed with lemonade.
“Hey, fucker. That wasn’t very nice.” I pulled my straw out and did the same to him.
I missed this. Missed us, which didn’t make sense, considering we hadn’t gone anywhere.
We hung out for a little while longer before Danny had to go. I took public transportation back to my apartment alone. I didn’t know what it was about hanging out with Danny that had felt different today, more like old times.
While I was sitting on the bumpy ride, I pulled out my phone. Without knowing why I did it, other than curiosity and maybe the immergence of latent stalking habits, I pulled up Charades & Sexcapades.
There were a couple of new advice questions posted, but nothing really interesting. Well, at least not until I saw an article posted just after midnight, Thursday morning.
Finding Your Passion
I know this post is a little different from what I usually write, but it’s been on my mind. I don’t think it’s something most of us actively think about—finding our passion or what our passion is. We work. We pay bills. We go to college so we can do all the working and the paying of our bills. It seems like more and more, we’re led to believe passion isn’t important. That you don’t have to enjoy what you do, and for those who do, they’re simply lucky. Not everyone has that benefit. And I get it. I feel it too, but I’ve been thinking lately, always a dangerous thing to do, honestly. But yeah, I’ve been thinking, and maybe, maybe the world would be a happier place if we all knew what made us passionate and made a point to do it. Even if it’s not in your career, but ya know, in life. Something to think about.