Elijah
I sat there waiting to wake up, knowing this had to be some crazy-ass dream or alternate universe I’d been living in the past few weeks, but also trying to pretend the sting of disappointment didn’t burn through me.
The way he pulled away made one thing clear: This stupid thing I was experiencing? These feelings? He planned to ignore them. He was going to tell me he wasn’t feelin’ this, feelin’ me. Not gonna lie, that hurt, and more than just a sting—like this ache that went deep, a constant throb.
But then this was Shaw and me, so again, I was waiting to wake up and find out this was all some twisted game, that none of it had happened.
Intertwined with those things was the truth of my feelings for Danny. Or maybe my lack of feelings? It was still hard to work through—how I could have thought I felt one way about him, and it had either changed, or I really hadn’t known my own feelings. And maybe I didn’t know them now either; not with Danny or with Shaw.
“Hey…I’ve got a funny joke,” he said, breaking through my chaotic thoughts.
“Is it the one about the guy who thought he was better than everyone else, the one who thought he had his shit together, only to realize he didn’t, that he had no fucking clue what he even felt?”
Shaw sighed. “You don’t think you’re better than everyone else. You don’t understand that you’re putting pressure on yourself—what you think you’re supposed to want or how you’re supposed to act. But that’s not what I was going to say. It’s actually the joke about the guy who gives advice on sex, dating, and love, claiming he doesn’t believe in love for himself, when really, it’s that he got his heart wrecked seven years ago and he’s been a coward ever since.”
I gasped, then turned to look at him. Shaw’s head was angled down, his eyes toward his lap as he drew circles on his jeans with the tip of his index finger. The room felt a little echoey, or maybe that was in my own ears, because I knew this moment was big. There was no going back from it. Like he did when he told me about his parents, Shaw was going to let me in, show me a part of him he shielded from the world. “What happened?”
“Shit, E.” He dropped his head back against the couch and looked at the ceiling, tension rolling off him in waves. It was so heavy, so thick, it almost strangled me, so I knew how hard it had to be on him.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but I’m here. You’ve helped me through a lot, so yeah, I’m here.” Then, then I moved closer to him, kept my legs tucked against my body but side by side with his, Shaw’s arm along mine. If I stretched my legs forward, they’d be touching his.
“It’s stupid. Teenager shit. I should be over it by now. Anonymous me would have a field day with real me if I messaged myself…which would be weird.” He chuckled.
“There’s no should with feelings. They just are, and we have to learn how to deal with that.”
“Wow, are you sure you shouldn’t be the one giving advice online instead of me?”
“You’re stalling.”
He nudged me with his arm. “Leave it to you to always call me out on my shit. It’s both infuriating and refreshing.”
Not gonna lie, there was a little spark of…something in my chest at Shaw calling me refreshing.
“So yeah, the shit I told you about my parents? That went on my whole life. They were never physically abusive to each other, but they were always fighting, yelling. Then they were madly in love, and then they hated each other again. It never stopped. God, it got so fucking exhausting to hear, ya know? It used to screw with my head, especially when I was younger. I thought that was what love was—either heaven or hell, an obsession.”
“Damn…I’m sorry.” I couldn’t imagine living like that. My parents were so great. Reaching over, I put my hand on his thigh in support. The muscles in Shaw’s leg tightened, but then relaxed against my palm.
“It is what it is. Anyway, there was this guy, Richie, who lived next door. We grew up playing basketball in each other’s driveways and hide-and-seek with the neighbor kids. You know how it goes. Typical suburban upbringing. Richie was my best friend. We did everything together, and when my parents would fight, I’d sneak over to his place, day or night, and I’d sleep over or spend the day there. He was the only one who knew what my parents were like.”
“Sounds like it’s a good thing you had him.”
He shrugged. “It was, but as I got older, I started realizing I was queer. I’m sure you can guess who I fell for.”
My heart dropped to my gut. I could guess, and I also knew it must not have gone well. I took over what Shaw had been doing a few minutes earlier, drawing lazy circles on his thigh, hoping he saw it as supportive. “Yeah, I can put two and two together.”
“It was a bad night. My parents were fighting like crazy, and I was so fucking tired of hearing it. I was seventeen at the time. I went next door. It was late. Richie’s parents were out of town. He suggested we get into his parents’ alcohol, and I was down. I knew it would distract me. We started drinking, and I can’t even say how it happened. One minute I was talking about my parents and Richie was supporting me. Then we were kissing, and from there I was on my knees, blowing him. He was saying my name over and over again, and all I could think was, this was it. This was what love was supposed to be, not my parents.”
Shaw paused, breathed, then covered my hand with his, brushing his thumb back and forth over my sensitive skin. It was like a lightning storm went off inside me, all these thoughts and feelings sparking fires. This, being there with him, felt good.
“He didn’t deserve you,” I told him, meaning it.
“You don’t even know him or what happened.”
“I don’t have to.” I turned my hand over, and Shaw tickled my palm with the tips of his fingers before intertwining our fingers. I was holding hands on my couch with Shaw Hastings, and there was nothing weird about it. It felt inevitable.
“We fell asleep together in his bed. I was nervous the next morning, of course. Looking back, I should have figured something wasn’t right when I was the one blowing him and he didn’t even offer to jack me off, or at least let me rub one out. I went home before he woke up. I decided I’d try and act normal, just be us, ya know? I’d call him and be chill with him and follow his lead. Only he didn’t answer my phone calls, and when Monday rolled around, he left for school before I did, when we usually rode together. He stopped talking to me after that. I tried to tell him it wouldn’t happen again, that we could pretend it never happened in the first place, but he called me a fag and told me I took advantage of him.”
Shaw turned to look at me then with this wide-eyed panic I’d never seen from him.
“I didn’t, E. Yeah, we were drinking, but I was as buzzed as him and he was saying my name and threading his fingers through my hair. He kissed me and pushed my head into his lap.”
There was a sharp pain in my chest, my heart breaking for him. “Hey, don’t. You don’t have to tell me that. I believe you.”
He visibly relaxed, shrugged. “So yeah. I’m basically a cliché. I had my heart broken and decided never to give it away again. Between Richie and my parents, I’m pretty sure love isn’t in my cards, and I guess now you can understand why I was hesitant with the whole falling for your best friend.”
Yeah, yeah, I got it, and I felt even more guilty for some of the things I said to him or ways I treated him. “It wasn’t your fault. None of it. Your parents and Richie don’t have any say over what happens for you. You’re a good man. And you know how hard that is for me to say.”
He chuckled like I hoped he would.
“I like you,” I admitted. “I don’t know how it happened. It’s kind of fucked up.”
“Right? I feel the same. But I, um…I can’t give you what you want. I can’t put my heart out there again. I don’t have it in me. Not that I think you feel the same way about me that you do Danny, but yeah. I don’t know. I can’t do it, but I don’t want to walk away either. You got under my skin, like this itch I can’t get rid of. It’s annoying as shit.”
I laughed. God, he was fun. Was there anyone in the world I laughed with more than Shaw? I didn’t think there was.
“First, you’re an annoying itch to me too. Second, I don’t think I’m in love with every guy I’ve ever been with, or dated, or whatever. It’s not like I’m sitting here waiting for you or Danny or anyone else to get down on one knee. I’m just not that guy who’s going to get on an app to find someone or meet a different guy in a bar every weekend to take home to fuck. It’s not that I’ve never done it; it’s simply not my style. I’m not into frequent hookups with random guys.”
“Are you saying I’m not a random guy?” Shaw turned toward me, cocking a brow.
“No, you’re that one word, remember? It’s hard to say it when I’m talking about you—F-R-I-E-N-D.”
He laughed, then groaned, before pulling me onto his lap so I straddled him, and oh…well, this was nice, and Shaw was really fucking hot.
“I want you, E. But I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to be hurt.”
It was one of the sweetest things he’d ever said to me. “I want you too.”
“So we just, what? Hang out? Spend time together while hopefully hooking up with each other?”
Which sounded a whole lot like dating to me, but I didn’t tell him that. I thought Shaw got scared off by the word, and frankly, there might have been some fear inside me as well. I was about to agree to basically dating Shaw. What universe was I in? “This is weird.”
“Agreed.”
Then something else hit me, something I needed to know before we went any further. “Will you be with other people?” That was a hard limit for me.
He leaned forward, pressed his forehead against my chest, so I couldn’t see his face. “No.”
My whole body seemed to relax at that. I couldn’t imagine seeing people come in and out of his apartment while we were doing this whole not-dating thing. “Just tell me if you want to. That’s all I ask. And if either of us decide we don’t want to hang out with each other anymore, we’re honest and tell the other.”
“Okay,” he replied, pulling back. There was something in Shaw’s bright green eyes that I couldn’t decipher. All I knew was, I had never seen it there before, and I felt it, deep inside me.
He reached up and cupped my cheek. His hand was shaking. Jesus, why was his fucking hand shaking? But then, mine were too.
I leaned forward, and Shaw’s lips ghosted over mine. It was a soft kiss for all of a second, and then it turned frantic, hungry, like we were starving for each other.
I moaned into his mouth as Shaw’s hands reached around and cupped my ass. He tasted like coffee. Our tongues moved together, and my hands went to his hair, tugging, then pushing him closer to me like I couldn’t decide what I wanted.
Fuck, he was a good kisser.
I gasped when he suddenly flipped us, turned us so I lay on my back with him on top of me. My legs spread open for him. He settled between them, the weight of him a welcomed friction on my achingly hard cock. He thrust against me, and oh yes, he was deliciously hard as well.
Shaw’s mouth left mine, and I whined for it to return.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He smiled into my neck, kissing me there too, before shoving my tee up and kissing my chest, licking each nipple, making me crazy. I arched toward him, wanting more. It had been a fucking long time for me, and I was already on the verge of blowing my load.
Shaw kept going. He kissed my belly and traced over my abs with his tongue, before he reached for my pants. “Can I?” he asked, and oh, I was in trouble because that question did something to me.
“Yes.”
With shaky fingers, he unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, then knelt, and I lifted my hips so he could pull them off and—“Wait. You’re wearing Superman underwear?”
They were red-and-blue boxer trunks. “Shut up! They aren’t Superman.”
“They look like Superman to me. It’s cute. Do you have Batman too?”
“Shut up and I hate you!” I grabbed him and tugged him to me again, taking his mouth with mine. God, I really, really liked kissing Shaw Hastings.
He nibbled my lip, and I sucked his tongue. When his hand slid down and cupped my dick through my underwear, I cried out and thrust into his grip.
“Fuck, I knew you’d be responsive. I jerked off thinking about you like this.”
This strange jolt shot through my chest. Oh, that was…that was nice to hear.
He kissed his way down my stomach, then stopped at the edge of my underwear. He looked up at me from between my legs, silently asking for permission, and I knew there was no going back from this moment.
I nodded, and Shaw sat up again. He hooked his fingers in my waistband and pulled them down. My cock sprang free, fucking thankful not to be trapped. He leaned down, and suddenly I remembered what he told me about that prick Richie. How he’d used Shaw and let Shaw blow him only to treat him like shit afterward.
Shaw leaned down and kissed my glans, and holy fuck, my cock was going to hate me for this, but I said, “Wait.”
He immediately froze. “Change your mind? You can change your mind at any time.”
He just scored big consent points right there.
“No, I…” I wanted to pleasure him. I wanted to show him I wasn’t Richie. So I slid off the couch and onto my knees. Shaw frowned as if unsure what was going on, then sat up. Looking at him from my spot on the floor, I reached for his jeans.
“Fuck,” he said, catching on. “Yes. Please.”
My fingers were shaking as I opened his pants. Shaw lifted his hips, and I took them down, along with his briefs. He pulled off his shirt, and I knelt between his legs. He was long and hard with full balls and neatly trimmed pubes. He smelled slightly of musk, and I inhaled deeply because I fucking loved the scent.
“You don’t have to,” he said, cupping my cheek again.
“I want to. I’m good at this.”
Shaw laughed, then sucked in a breath when I leaned in and licked him from root to tip.
I took him into my mouth. He tasted salty and masculine, and yeah, not gonna lie, it went straight to my head. I got dizzy off him.
I worked his shaft with my hand and mouth, taking him deep, then pulling off again. He thrust his hips gently, telling me how good I was. “Fuck, I’ve wanted you like this. Wanted you in my mouth too. So good, fuck yes, E.”
I loved making him wild like this, showing him how good I could make him feel. My cock was leaking, and my nuts ached. I needed friction and release, but I craved drawing this out and taking it all in, enjoying everything about being with Shaw.
I nuzzled his full balls before going back to his cock again. Lowering my head, I took him as deep as I could before pulling off a bit again. Shaw tensed, then squeezed my shoulder. “I’m gonna come. Fuck, E, you better pull off if you don’t want a mouthful.”
But I didn’t pull off. I kept blowing him and pleasuring him. I slipped one finger below his balls and rubbed his taint. I licked at his slit and looked up at him. He looked blissed out, sweat peppering his forehead. He thrust up into my mouth, and I bobbed my head, jacking him and sucking him until he shot his hot, salty load. I swallowed him down, and then he was tugging me toward him, onto his lap so I was straddling him but up on my knees. Shaw wrapped a hand around my aching cock and stroked, before leaning in and sucking me.
His mouth was wet and hot, and the suction was so ah-fucking-mazing that about three point five seconds later I dropped my head back and said, “Me too.”
“Where do you want it?”
I didn’t know why, but as much as I’d have loved for him to swallow me, I wanted it on him. Like I could mark him. “Your chest.”
Shaw pulled back and jacked my cock until I blew, spraying his chest with jizz. My bones melted, and I fell against him. Shaw ran his hands up and down my back. We were sweating and come-y, and I really liked it.
We didn’t speak, just sat there and breathed. As the minutes ticked by, it hit me, what we’d done. “So…that happened.”
He pushed me back a little so we could look at each other. “Second thoughts?”
The moment he said it, I knew my answer. “No.”
“Me neither. I have an idea.”
“What is it?”
“We clean up, then watch one of your documentaries. Then I blow you again. Then we have dinner.”
I smiled, my heart thudding dangerously for reasons I didn’t want to think about. “Okay.”
Shaw leaned in and kissed me sweetly. Yeah, I was pretty sure we were fucked.