Elijah
It was stupid that I was nervous to tell Danny about Shaw. I mean, it was just a thing, and Danny and I were best friends. He didn’t know I’d thought I was in love with him and that I was a little confused as to how I knew I wasn’t anymore or why I’d thought I was.
But I was nervous, and as the day went on, I recognized why.
Telling Danny about Shaw made it more real. It already felt more real than it was supposed to. I wasn’t in love with Shaw or anything like that, but I liked him way more than I should. Yesterday at the park had been…hell, I couldn’t remember ever having a date that was that much fun or enjoying another person’s company as much as I had Shaw’s. At least no one I was hanging out with.
Ugh, there was that term again. It was one I hated but also would be smart to remember. Shaw wasn’t looking for anything serious, and I wasn’t looking for anything serious with Shaw. I wasn’t! Every so often he would look at me, or I would look at him, and I’d forget that. Or he’d talk about his parents or Richie and I’d grasp how lucky I was to see that side of him, and I’d forget. My sanity always returned, though.
I took care of all my responsibilities for the day. Danny texted at one point to tell me not to cook, that he was bringing dinner over.
I got home from work, showered and changed, then sat on the couch with my phone. There was no reason I needed to text Shaw, but I found I wanted to…just to check in, ya know? Hey, you.
Hi. Miss me already? I’m way more fun than Danny.
Be nice.
You’re always telling me that.
I sighed, but the truth was, I got it. I would be jealous if Shaw was with someone he thought he had been in love with, even though we were only hanging out. I’ll call you after…and we can chill if you want.
I’ll be with Will. A stab of disappointment pierced my chest, but then he added, We’ll probably be done early, though… And damned if I didn’t smile after that. Stupid Shaw making me stupidly like him.
Don’t change plans for me though. I don’t know how long we’ll be. Talk soon.
Soon, he answered.
There was a knock at my door before Danny came inside. He had a pizza in his hand, and my stomach growled at the scent of tomatoes, garlic, and cheese. “Oh my God. I’m so hungry.”
“I got your favorite,” Danny said. “All those veggies. Looks like a salad. Pizza’s not supposed to look like a salad.”
I laughed and stood up. “You didn’t have to get a veggie pizza.”
He set it on the table. “I don’t mind.”
It wasn’t the first time he’d done that, and I didn’t think it would be the last.
We grabbed plates and cups for the soda he brought with him before settling in on the couch. We talked about random things. Every so often I looked at him, waiting for that fluttery feeling in my chest or the want I’d felt to return, and it wasn’t there. In some ways it was a relief, but in others, it kept making me question myself. I thought I’d been in love with Danny, but I hadn’t been. How could I screw that up? I also liked Shaw. Did that mean I didn’t really like him either? Which should be a relief, but it wasn’t.
“Okay, spill. What’s going on? You’re giving me that look like you’re confused and want to say something but don’t know how to say it.”
“You got all that, did you?” He was right of course, but still.
“Yes, I did. I know you, and you have something on your mind. What’s up?”
I set my plate on the coffee table. “I, umm…have a thing…with Shaw.”
“Oh… Okay. A few days ago you said you were only friends.”
“I know! And I don’t really get it. We were, and in a lot of ways I guess we still are, but we’re also hanging out.”
“Dating?”
“Not really.”
Danny frowned. “So you’re friends who fuck? That’s not your thing, Eli. You’ve never been one to do that shit. If this is supposed to make me like or trust him, it’s not working.”
My chest squeezed because…well, because I wanted Danny and Shaw to be friends. I wanted them to like each other. “This isn’t supposed to do anything. It’s simply me telling you the truth. I’m a grown-ass man who can make my own decisions. Shaw didn’t push me into…whatever we’re doing.” I was so fucking tired of calling it hanging out. “He’s not as bad as you think.”
“A month ago you hated him!” Danny countered, and he wasn’t wrong. Or I’d thought I hated him. “I just… I don’t get it. It’s weird. You guys are completely different.”
“So are we.”
He turned to me, a look of hurt on his face. “We’re not that different. You’re my best friend.”
“We’re still different in a lot of ways and not in others. It’s the same with Shaw. And we’re also making a big deal about this.”
“So you don’t have feelings for him? You’re just sleeping with him?”
I opened my mouth to confirm, but there was a twitch in my chest. That didn’t feel right. It wasn’t right, but God, I couldn’t have feelings for Shaw. I liked him, but that felt different from feelings. I hardly knew him… That didn’t feel right, though. I knew he was kind and liked to help people. I knew he told himself he didn’t believe in love, but it was really his way of protecting his heart because he’d been hurt. I knew he was the type of guy who took dance lessons he wasn’t interested in to be nice, and that he gave his contact info to a random stranger online to help him not feel so lonely. I knew he loved animated movies and enjoyed taking photos and that his smile made me feel light, like a cloud, and… “Holy fuck.”
“Exactly,” Danny said.
Noooo. I couldn’t. I couldn’t have feelings for Shaw outside of friendship and a little bit of like. I mean, we’d gone over that part, but this felt deeper. Like was only interest, in a way; feelings were part of you. They held a piece of your heart. “We’re just having fun,” I insisted unconvincingly.
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
I didn’t know what made me say it. I was pretty sure my brain was fried from acknowledging I more than liked Shaw and had feelings for him. Whatever the excuse, I blurted, “I used to think I was in love with you.” The air was sucked out of me as I realized what I said. “Oh my God. Why did I tell you that?”
Danny didn’t reply. He didn’t look shocked either. He sat there staring at me with knowledge and what looked almost like pity.
“You knew!” I accused. “You knew, and you never said anything?”
He groaned. “What was I supposed to say? Hey, Elijah, I can tell you think you have feelings for me, but we’re better off as friends?”
Which meant that while I thought I loved him, he always knew he didn’t. He’d known how I felt and didn’t return those feelings. Despite everything, that still hurt. “Well, I was wrong about how I felt about you, which means I’m likely wrong in thinking I might have teeny, tiny feelings for Shaw. I apparently don’t know my own emotions.”
Danny rolled his eyes. “Come on. Don’t do that. The lines were blurred with us. I wondered too, at different points in my life. I get it. Hell, even Shaw made me wonder again because I really wanted to punch him in the face when we had dinner here. But I think it’s because our lives are so entwined together. We love each other. We’ve always loved each other, but we’re not in love with each other.”
It made sense, but… “Yeah, well, at least one of us has always known that,” I grumbled.
“Cut yourself some slack. Emotions are confusing. It’s not all cut and dried.”
I nodded but couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I didn’t know what this said about me. And maybe it was dumb, but it made me not trust myself. Maybe Danny and Shaw and everyone else had it right. Things were a whole lot easier when you fucked your way through life instead of focusing on the other stuff.
“Come here.” Danny held one arm out, and I scooted closer, leaned into him. He wrapped his arm around me, and I closed my eyes. We’d done this a thousand times before. Lately, I’d looked at it differently, felt something different, but I didn’t in that moment. I focused, tried to remember when Danny held me over the past year, when I’d questioned my feelings for him compared to being in Shaw’s arms, and even thinking about Shaw and the way he let me in made my skin tingle.
Danny said, “Tell me about Shaw. There must be something good about him if you like him.”
There were a lot of good things about him. “He’s a nice guy, Danny. He’s not what people think, what I thought, and that…scares me. I told him I like him, and I do, but I thought it was only this friends thing and being attracted to him, but now I’m nervous it could turn into more…and he wouldn’t want more.” Even if he did, I thought he was too scared to ever go for it.
“If that ends up the case, then you dodged a bullet. That means he doesn’t deserve you, but you never know. You could be wrong. You’re great, and he’d be crazy not to want to be with you for real.”
“You didn’t,” I teased, and he chuckled.
“There will never be anyone I love more than you, and you know it. You’re my best friend.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I feel the same about you.” The truth was, Danny had been the only person I’d really let in. Shaw and I were similar that way. And Danny was the first person other than my mom to one hundred percent accept me for who I was. It made sense that everything got muddled inside me.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“I wanted a real relationship with Garrett. I told myself I didn’t. I told you I didn’t, but I did.”
I gasped, pulled away and looked at him. “Did you tell him?”
He closed his eyes, and I knew that meant yes, he had, and Garrett rejected him.
“He doesn’t deserve you.” I pulled him close and hugged him. “Fuck him.” But all I could think was, if Garrett hadn’t wanted Danny, what chance did I have that Shaw would want me?
We got off the subject of Shaw and Garrett after that. I was pretty sure we both had a lot to think about.
A couple of hours later, I walked Danny to the door. We hugged goodbye like we always did, and I knew that no matter what, we would be okay.
Danny stopped, turned to look at me. “I want you happy, ya know? If you trust him and think he can make you happy, that’s all that matters.”
He smiled and walked away.
My gaze traveled to Shaw’s door. We’d said we might see each other tonight. I thought about going over but didn’t. My thoughts were all over the place, and I needed to sort through them. Or at least, not be around him because I seemed to word-vomit with Shaw and I’d end up spilling everything.
I went inside, took care of my nighttime routine, and climbed into bed. I had told him I would message him, though, so I grabbed my cell off the nightstand and texted, Hey.
His response was almost immediate. Hey.
I’m kinda tired tonight. That okay?
Yeah. How’d it go? Will the evil stepbrother allow me to hang out with the prince?
I smiled. So I’m a prince, huh?
Shit. No. I take it back.
My fingers moved across the screen as I typed out, It went well. How are you?
And then I lay there, texting with him half the night like a teenager, wondering if he could possibly be smiling as much as me.