Shaw
Sitting in front of my parents’ house felt like déjà vu, only this time, they hadn’t called me over to listen to them complain about each other. I came of my own volition since I was stressing out, trying to come to terms with how I felt about Eli and how I was pretty sure he felt about me. All I could think about was how much I wanted him, wanted this thing between us to work out, but I didn’t want to end up like my parents. I didn’t want to let him down, and part of me feared I’d always be like them, or that there was something unlovable about me. That one day Elijah would wake up and wonder why he wanted me in the first place, and then he would throw me away like Richie had.
So yeah. There I was, hoping to find some clarity from the two people who helped me get all screwed up in the first place.
But damned if I didn’t want more.
I got out of the car and went to the door. I knocked, and heard the muffled sound of laughter. It immediately set me on edge. My parents were likely smiling and happy and giving it another go while my thoughts and feelings were all scrambled up.
“Shaw! Isn’t this a surprise!” Mom said, pulling the door open. “Especially since you’ve been ignoring our phone calls.”
I just…didn’t understand them. How they could be so self-centered. “What did you expect? One minute the two of you use me as a weapon against each other, and the next you’re one big happy family again. I’m tired of it, so damn tired.” And I was. My bones didn’t want to hold me up anymore. I was pretty sure without Eli, they wouldn’t.
“I know. I’m sorry. You know how we are, how your father is. The two of you are a lot alike. But we’ve fixed it; we’re working on things.”
Shaking my head, I walked inside, my hands fisted as thoughts bombarded my brain…all the things I planned to say to them. Then I would go home to E, tell him what happened, and we would figure it out together.
“But that’s not important right now. I have a surprise for you,” Mom said just as I walked around the corner and into the dining room.
Ice crystalized in my veins, and I got dizzy as my past and present collided into a cyclone in my brain.
“Shaw…it’s good to see you,” Richie said. It was the first normal thing he’d said to me since that night at his house. After that it had been nothing but anger and disgust.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I gritted between clinched lips. “What is he doing here?” I said to my parents.
“Shaw!” Mom shrieked.
“No, no. It’s okay. I’m here looking for you. I came to see you,” he said softly, insecurely, in that same voice he’d used when he’d said my name over and over while I’d blown him.
An invisible weight slammed into my chest. I couldn’t breathe, like something was sucking the air out of me. “No.” I shook my head. “No, I can’t do this.” I came here to deal with my parents, not Richie… Richie, whom I hadn’t spoken to in years. Richie, whom I’d spent my childhood laughing with and talking with and falling in love with. Richie, who’d hurt me more than my parents did.
Richie stood, his sandy-blond hair hanging over his forehead. “I deserve that.” He pushed his hands into his pockets. His spine curled. “But I’m asking you anyway…and that probably makes me a selfish bastard. I’ve probably always been that way, but I’m trying to get better. Will you give me a chance? Just talk to me?”
I could feel my parents’ hot stares but couldn’t pull my gaze away from Richie. They never knew what happened between us, only that we were friends and then we weren’t.
I couldn’t make sense of it. The wires in my brain weren’t connecting. After years, he was here. I used to want him back, want his friendship while we were still in school, and then after graduation, after he moved, I’d wanted him to come and apologize, to tell me he loved me, because I really had loved him. Richie held so much of my past. Helped me through the drama of growing up as Shaw Hastings.
Even when I’d sworn off love, I was pretty sure a part of me would have changed for him, but then I got over him. I fell out of love with him, and now I had Eli, who’d breathed life into me again when no one, not even myself, realized I’d been drowning.
And now Richie was back.
There was too much in my head, this loud, fuzzy white noise swimming around with all my issues—the roller-coaster ride that was my parents, the one they consistently dragged me on, and Richie… What was he doing here? Why was he looking for me? And Eli, whom I loved, whom I was having dinner with tonight, and whom I wanted to know how to be better for, who I was scared would leave me like the man standing in front of me had.
Without a word, I turned for the door. I knew without looking that Richie was following me, because that was him. He always got his way.
I shoved out the door, didn’t bother to close it, moving closer and closer to my car until his voice stopped me.
“I’m gay.”
I stilled. Froze. Couldn’t breathe.
“I’m gay. I was in denial.”
Rage surged through me. I turned, my vision blurry, and shoved him backward. He didn’t fall, but he stumbled.
“No fucking shit. That doesn’t give you the right to hurt me. To do what you did to me. Jesus Christ, Rich, the names you called me, the way you treated me when you knew, you fucking knew how I felt about you.” There was no doubt in my mind he had. He’d known, and he’d hurt me because of it. Because I hadn’t been enough.
“I know. Do you think I haven’t spent the last seven years hating myself for that? Because I have, and I know this doesn’t fix anything, but I’m sorry. I miss you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I…I still care about you. I always have.”
“No. Don’t do that to me. Fuck you for doing this to me, Richie. I got over you. Both you and my parents have fucked with my head long enough. I have a boyfriend, and I want to move forward with him. The last fucking thing I need is getting trapped in the past again.”
“Oh.” He shook his hair out of his face like he used to do. “I didn’t know you had someone—which is okay. I just want our friendship back. Can we talk at least? Catch up?”
That insecure teenager still inside me wanted to say yes, because if Richie loved me, then his leaving wasn’t my fault, and I wasn’t unlovable, and maybe Eli wouldn’t realize that truth about me one day too.
“I can’t do this with you.” I shook my head and went to my car.
“I’ll leave my phone number with your parents, in case you change your mind. And I’m sorry, about them. They’re still up to the same old thing, it would appear.”
Ignoring him, I got into my car and drove away.