Chapter Three

 

Nedra

 

When They Should Call You Remote Since Your Buttons Stay Pressed

“What you over there breathing so hard for? You got something you want to say?”

My jaw was clenched and I could feel my teeth grinding back and forth. I forced myself to relax. Braces had ruined three years of middle school class pictures deemed mandatory by my mama and I had no desire to revisit that experience by fucking up my teeth behind some bullshit. I dropped my eyelids and inhaled a slow, deep breath, willing myself to calm down.

“Huh, Nedra?”

Just that fast, the momentary calm that my relaxation technique had given me evaporated as my granny called my name in a haughty tone. She was intentionally pushing my buttons today and I couldn’t figure out why. My eyes popped open and collided with my mama’s across the table. Her eyebrows raised dramatically as she averted her gaze and pursed her lips. I narrowed my eyes at her. It was her fault I was in this position in the first place.

I was too damn old to be getting lectured on a regular basis, but my snitching ass mama put me in this position, knowing good and damn well that I couldn’t say nothing to my granny except “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am.” I twisted in my seat and looked behind me at my granny who stood in the doorway of the kitchen.

“Why you sweatin’ me, Delores? I’m just trying to enjoy this meal you graciously prepared.”

Her hands fell from their perch across her chest and landed on her wide hips. Hips that had skipped my mama and landed right on me. She pursed her lips.

“Oh, I’m ‘sweatin’ you, am I? Hmph. Well, maybe you need to be ‘sweatin’ that husband of yours and beg him not to divorce you.”

She hadn’t raised her voice from that even tone that was laced with disappointment and an accusation, the tone that she’d taken to using with me lately, but nevertheless, her words sounded deafening in the small room. I sucked in a breath and twisted back to face the table. That wasn’t just a button pressed, it was a shot taken and it hurt something fierce. Avoiding my mama’s burning stare, I focused on the bowl of red beans and rice in front of me. Mechanically, I shoved a spoonful of the perfectly spiced dish into my mouth but I hardly tasted it.

Just as my spoon hit the bottom of the bowl, my granny dropped a plate on the table at the edge of my placemat and dropped down into the chair on my left. I glanced at the slice of pecan pie then back at my bowl. This was her acknowledging that she may have done wrong—gone too far. Historically, she never apologized with words, but instead gave peace offerings. Edible peace offerings, in my case. Pecan pie was my favorite and I hadn’t even seen it in the kitchen when I fixed my bowl of beans and rice. I don’t know where she was hiding it but I was happy to see it.

On the other hand…

My feelings were still hurt; pie wouldn’t fix that, but I almost appreciated the gesture. I’d appreciate it even more if it meant she would leave this conversation on the table forever. That was beyond wishful thinking, however. Granny meant well, I know she did, but shit. The situation was more complicated than she could understand.

I crumbled the last of the sweet cornbread that had accompanied the meal into the dregs of my beans and rice and scraped at the mixture until I had consumed every possible morsel of food. Without touching the pie, I pushed my chair back from the table. Granny reached out and grabbed my hand, halting my descent from the table.

“Ned.”

I kept my face blank as I looked at her. “Hm?”

“Eat your pie, baby.”

It was neither a question nor a request. She was telling me to eat the pie. I wanted to laugh even though it wasn’t funny. She really thought that if I ate her pie, then I forgave her. Of course, I wanted the damn pie—I loved pecan pie—but I wasn’t in the mood to play with her today. I just wanted to go.

“That’s okay, I’m pretty full from lunch. Don’t really have room for dessert. Thanks though, Granny.” I patted my soft belly then quickly stood from my chair and carried my bowl into the kitchen. I dropped it into the soapy, lukewarm water that filled the sink and washed and rinsed it quickly. After setting it on the rack to air dry, I wiped my hands with a paper towel and exited the kitchen through a side door that took me to the living room, instead of back into the dining room.

I had already shrugged on my jacket and was slipping the strap of my cross-body bag over my head when my granny ambled into the room with a scowl on her face, my mama right behind her.

“I know you weren’t going to try and sneak your narrow behind out of this house without so much as a word to me!” There was even more attitude in her voice now than before and her tone was definitely elevated.

My mama smirked and dropped down on the suede couch, seemingly to watch the show. “Ain’t nothing narrow about that behind.”

I cut my eyes at her then took a deep breath before addressing my beloved grandmother.

“Granny, I’m tired—”

“Tired of what, baby? Not from fighting for your marriage.”

Fighting for my—Oh hell no. Fuck this shit!

A mirthless chuckle fell from my lips. “You know what…” I stopped myself before I got really disrespectful. What I was NOT going to do was stand here and listen to her continue to berate me for something she didn’t even know the half of and was honestly none of her damn business. I spun on my heel and stomped to the front door.

“Nedra!”

I ignored my grandmother’s voice calling me back into her house and cleared the steps quickly, walking to my car and throwing open the door. I was in the car and pulling away from the curb in less than two minutes. It wasn’t until I reached my destination and put the car in park a half an hour later that I realized that I had left my mama behind. I sucked my teeth. She had ridden with me to my granny’s house because she wanted me to take her to the store later.

Aw shit.

I’d never hear the end of her mouth for this shit. I shook my head and pulled out my phone. With just a few swipes of my fingers, I had sent her twenty dollars for the rideshare app she used when neither I nor her boyfriend was around to give her a lift. Hopefully, that would buy me some reprieve.

I stepped out of the car and pulled up Instagram on my phone, switching over from my personal account to my professional account. I took a picture of the building in front of me and typed out a quick caption.

@blackgirlmagicbullet: Impromptu session at my sanctuary. Will be here until 6 at the latest. If you’re free, join me for half-off a half hour lesson. As always, come empty-handed and open-hearted ♥♥.

I clicked the buttons that ensured my photo would be shared across all of my social media pages then submitted the post, shoved my phone into my back pocket, and I made sure my car doors were locked before entering the building. As soon as I stepped over the threshold, I felt much of my tension melt away. Just as I’d said in my post, this place was my sanctuary. I’d been coming to Bullseye since I was thirteen-years-old. That’s when my granddaddy decided I was old enough to learn how to shoot.

Inside the small lobby, behind the counter, sat the owner, Mr. Albert. Seeing Mr. Albert brought as much comfort as being in his business did. It was always his smiling ebony face that I saw when my granddaddy brought me and even now he smiled at me although I’m sure he was surprised to see me.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Albert.”

He grinned at me, his bright white teeth gleaming. “Good afternoon, Ms. Nedra.”

I pursed my lips to stifle a giggle. He’d been using the honorific on me since I was a child, and it still amused me.

“Is my lane free?” I was a creature of habit. I used the same lane every time I came. Even when I had lessons, I demonstrate on “my lane” and have my client on an adjacent lane.

Mr. Albert’s eye perused the sheet on the counter in front of him. “Well, I wasn’t expecting you but let’s see…Ah. You’re a lucky woman, Ms. Nedra.” He reached under the counter and handed me a wooden dowel with a small flag on the end.

“Do you need anything else?”

I started to say no, then I remembered that all of my equipment was at home, including my bullets. “I need some ammo.” I rattled off the type of gun I had and gave him my debit card as he slid me a small box of 25 rounds. Once my card was safely back in my purse I said my thanks and headed for the door that led to the range.

Once he pressed a button on the wall, there was a loud buzz and the door unlocked. I yanked the heavy door open and stepped into the next room. There were lockers against the wall and a shelf that held soundproof earmuffs and goggles. I would hang the flag on the outside wall of my lane so that others would know the lane was occupied and that they needed to use caution when approaching because I was more than likely unable to hear them.

This had been an unplanned trip so I didn’t bring my .45 with me. I always rode with my .380, though, so I pulled that out of my purse and put the bag into a locker. I put on my protective gear and made my way down the range until I reached the eighth lane. I stuck my flag in the holder and set my gun and ammo on the tall, narrow table in the space. There was a stack of unused paper targets on the table. I clipped one to the hanging mechanism and pressed the button that would pull it to the back wall.

I readied my firearm and steadied my breathing. On my exhale, I started firing.

I never went to Bullseye in the middle of the day like this. I either came in the morning because I preferred to get my time in early, or I came in the evening. The women that I gave handgun handling lessons to usually worked during the day so evening lessons were better for them. I tried to be as flexible as possible by offering several time slots, understanding that free time was hard to come by when you worked for someone else.

The lessons had always been a side thing for me, sort of like a hobby. I loved to shoot and was good at it so when friends learned of my skill, they solicited me to teach them. My granny actually suggested that I turn it into an actual business. After the insurance firm I had worked at since I was fresh out of Franklin let me go six months ago, I had been struggling to find my footing. I didn’t know what to do with myself after being an executive assistant for so long.

Granny had brought me here to Bullseye and told me to turn my hobby, my passion, into my livelihood. From there, Black Girl, Magic Bullet was born. I went right to the county clerk’s office to register my business name and immediately set up social media accounts. Then I came to see Mr. Albert. He didn’t hesitate in allowing me to offer my lessons in his building. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed by the growth of my little hobby-turned-business. Currently, I had four women who came for weekly lessons. My plan was to eventually have my own range so that I could recruit more clients.

At that thought, the red light above me blinked rapidly. It caught my attention, and I stopped shooting immediately. I engaged the safety on my gun and set it on the table before turning around.

“Oh, hey!”

Two of my regular clients and one woman I didn’t recognize were standing behind me. They were all dressed in the appropriate safety gear and my clients each held a box that I knew held the firearm and rounds they owned. I gave all three ladies a hug and put my thoughts aside to give them the lessons that they had shown up for.

Two and a half hours later, my clients had left, and I had a bit more money in my bank account. I gathered my targets, tossed the empty box of rounds in the trash can, and headed back to the locker room. My shoulders were a little stiff, but my head was clear and for that, I was happy.

I pushed open the door that led to the front of the shop and stopped in my tracks. Sitting in one of the chairs of the lobby, chatting with Mr. Albert, was my granny. She looked up as I entered the area, and our eyes connected. Mr. Albert followed her gaze over to me then turned back to her. He leaned toward her—closer than necessary—and said something that made her smile; then he walked in my direction, coming to a stop in front of me.

“I’ll see you next week, Nedra.”

I glanced suspiciously at him and my granny. I started to nod then I thought about Ashton’s arrival the next day. “Actually, you might end up seeing me again before the week is up, Mr. Albert.”

He nodded like he expected that and I wondered what my granny had been telling him. Hell, I wondered what she was doing here. He patted my arm.

“That’s no problem. I’ll see you then.”

My attention shifted to my granny. She sat in her chair and watched me make my way over to her. The front door tempted me to pass her up and simply exit the building, but I’m sure I’d already garnered enough ire by leaving her house hours earlier.

“What’re you doing here, Granny?”

She waved her phone in the air. “I saw on Facebook that you would be here until six.”

Mentally, I rolled my eyes. My granny had no business being on Facebook, especially if she was using it to stalk me. I held out my hand and pulled her up from her seat. Getting to the door before her, I held it open and just before she exited, she turned her head and called out, “See you later, Albert!” I frowned at the flirtatious note in her voice, but my eyes widened when I was sure that I heard Mr. Albert reply with, “Yes, you will, Delores!” in an equally flirtatious tone before the door closed fully.

What the fuck was going on here? Certain I didn’t want to know, I walked my granny to her car and stood silently, waiting for the fussing I was sure to get. A few minutes went by, and all she did was stare at me expectantly. My brows furrowed in confusion.

“Don’t you have something to say to me?”

I shook my head. “No, ma’am. Is there something you’re expecting me to say?”

She cocked her head but didn’t say anything.

I sighed. “Why don’t you give me a hint because I’m lost.”

“Does your storming out of my house like a petulant child ring a bell?”

That was an inaccurate account of events, but okay. “The storming does; the petulant child part sounds made up.”

Her hands went to her hips. “So, you don’t think there’s a problem with you running out anytime you don’t want to hear what someone has to say?”

My mouth dropped open, and I gaped at her incredulously. “That’s not what happened, Granny!”

“That’s exactly what happened.”

“No, you were attacking me, and I—”

“Here you go.” She rolled her eyes. “No one was attacking you, little girl. I’m just trying to help you avoid making a horrible mistake. But I guess you think you’re too grown to accept advice from anyone?”

I threw my hands in the air. “What advice? Beg Chris not to divorce me?”

“Yes, if need be! You made vows before God that you need to uphold! The Bible says—”

“I’m sorry, Granny, but that’s where I have to stop you. If your biggest argument is to tell me what the Bible says then you might as well save your breath. I need something tangible.”

“What about experience? I was married for forty-eight years; you don’t think I know a little something about this?”

I pursed my lips. “Well, you were married for forty-eight years so I’m going to say, no. No, I don’t think you know anything about how it feels to go through a divorce.”

“Your granddaddy and I almost divorced once.” She took a deep breath and looked across the parking lot at Bullseye before bringing her steady gaze back to mine. “I’d packed up your mama, and I was prepared to leave him.”

This was a story I hadn’t heard before. My granddaddy had died ten years ago and to my knowledge, they had been happily married until the day he took his last breath. “Why? What happened?”

“I fell in love with another man.”

I gasped and grabbed my chest above my heart. “Granny! What?!”

She nodded. “We’d been married for fifteen years, and I was tired of being ignored by your granddaddy. He was never home, always working and never had time for me during the rare moments he was home.”

“So, you cheated?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. All that shit she talked about vows and the Bible, and she was a old, thotty hypocrite!

“Will you let me finish?”

I nodded hurriedly. This was crazy.

“As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, your granddaddy was never home, and since I didn’t work back then, I filled my time with hobbies while Rose was at school. I became close friends with a man I met through one of those hobbies, and before I knew it, that friendship became a lifeline for me.”

“Then what happened?”

She narrowed her eyes at me but I just shrugged. She had me hooked on this story, and although I know how it ended, I needed to know what happened next.

“I told you; I packed up my and Rose’s things and told him I was leaving.”

A long pause came and when she didn’t continue, I prompted her. “And then what, Granny?”

“Well, he cried and begged me to stay. He promised to change his ways and asked if we could renew our vows. And Rose didn’t want to leave her daddy anyway. She cried and clung to him and begged right along with him. That was a daddy’s girl if there ever was one.” She chuckled but it was hollow. Her eyes were red, and mine prickled with empathy as my own feelings resurfaced of being presented with a divorce by someone I love.

“I never told him about my feelings for another man. I simply agreed to give my husband another chance because he was worth that much, and I promised to fight harder to be a better wife.”

I wiped at the two tears that trickled down my cheeks. “What happened to the man you fell in love with? Was he waiting for you?”

“What? No. He didn’t even know I was planning to leave for him.” Her voice was thick with unshed tears, and she cleared her throat. “Nothing happened to him. We remained friends, but I distanced myself from him. He was a danger to my marriage; what I felt for him was…dangerous. And your granddaddy really did make a change. And our family was better for it.” She looked at me. “So, now, do you see?”

I stared at her for a few moments without saying anything and she looked away from me, back in the direction of Bullseye and cleared her throat again. When she looked back at me, it was the controlled sauciness of my granny that I knew. I spoke before she could

“I see that you’re still broken up about it.”

“Nedra—”

“I see that you haven’t moved past it if the emotions you feel right now are any indication. I see that you are the one who was mistreated yet you’re also the one who had to sacrifice.”

“Now, wait a minute—”

“You know what else I see, Granny? I see that even though you were ready to leave Granddaddy, you didn’t have both feet out of the door yet. He asked for a second chance, and you gave it to him, even though you could see a better life on the horizon. You were willing to work it out, so you did. That’s not the case with me and Chris. He wants a divorce, and there is nothing I can say that will change that.” I shook my head. “I appreciate you sharing your story with me, Granny, but now all I can think of is what if? What if you had left? What if you had told that man that you were leaving Grandaddy for him? Or, what if Granddaddy didn’t care that you were leaving? If he was on some ‘Bye Felicia’ type ish? What then? But I guess we’ll never know.”

Granny grabbed my hands and shook them. “All I want is for you to try everything you can before you throw in the towel.”

“Why do you think I haven’t? That’s what I don’t understand about all of this. You don’t even know what I’ve done, but you automatically decided it wasn’t enough!”

She gave me a knowing look. “Did you suggest counseling?”

“Yes.” The lie slipped out of my mouth so fast, I almost choked on it.

The lights in the parking lot flickered on, and I glanced at my watch. “Granny, it’s almost eight o’clock. We need to get out of here.” I started to pull my hands back but she gripped them tighter.

“Hear me when I say this, Nedra. If you don’t give this marriage all you’ve got, you will always wonder what if. You’re so hellbent on being unphased that you haven’t even demanded to know why he’s divorcing you. Chris could be laid up with some other woman right now, a friend that he’s made over the past few months, and you wouldn’t even know. Listen to me good, little girl. Stop trying to be so big and bad and go see about your husband.”

After those carefully and successfully aimed shots, she released my hands, throwing them back at me like they disgusted her and climbed into her car. She didn’t give me a second glance as she drove off.

♥♥♥♥

When Reminiscing Shines an Ugly Light

What my granny didn’t know was that I had researched marriage counseling and planned to approach Chris with the suggestion that we consider it. I stand firmly by what I said about the desire to stay making the difference. Before I’d had the opportunity to broach the subject with him, he cut me off at the knees. Apparently, Chris had found the printouts in our room—the one he no longer slept in—and felt the need to question me about them right away instead of waiting for me to come to him.

I was stepping out of the shower when I noticed him standing in the doorway of the bathroom, waving the papers around with a confused look on his face. He asked me why I kept trying to fix something that was beyond repair and he stood there, genuinely curious to hear my answer. Until that moment, I didn’t know it was possible to simultaneously feel white-hot rage and bone-shaking despair. What kind of fucked up shit is that to ask the woman who had given you almost half of her life?

Then again…maybe he had a point. I can admit that I was fully expecting him to change his mind at some point. Maybe when I brought up the counseling or maybe if I really started to withhold sex, Chris would come to his senses. For putting me through all of this, I’d planned to make him sweat it out a little bit but ultimately, I was going to forgive him, and we would move on from this.

However, now that I’d heard my granny’s story, the thought of trying to go back to what we once were made me sick.

What was I doing?

If you had asked ten-year-old me what I would do if a boy I liked didn’t like me back, I probably would have given you all of the attitude I could muster back then and tell you that said boy could do the 1990s equivalent of kicking rocks. Hmph. What happened to all of that confidence? To that self-assured girl with the big afro puff and an even bigger helping of sass?

Oh, that’s right!

She became a teenager, met a skinny boy named Christopher Phillips, and all that talk became just that: talk.

I’ll never forget the day I met Chris. It was a sunny Friday afternoon and I had just walked home from school with my friend, Ashton. My mama had to work late, and after plenty of begging and tears on my end, followed by a long phone call with Mrs. Phillips, she had finally agreed to let me go over to Ashton’s house until she could pick me up. We were sitting on the couch, drinking Fruitopia and watching 106 and Park when the front door banged open and we heard a huge commotion from the front of the house.

Ashton shot up off the couch and raced to the front room, and my nosy behind followed right after her, stopping near the bottom of the stairs when I saw what was going on. My eyes were as wide as saucers and my mouth gaped open as I took in the sight in the kitchen.

The most gorgeous caramel-skinned boy my fourteen-year-old eyes had ever been blessed to see was standing by the sink, gulping down a glass of water. Ashton hit his elbow, and I watched greedily as rivulets of water trailed down his chin and fell onto the front of his already soaked gray t-shirt.

“Hey punk, come say hi to my company.”

Ashton was obviously talking about me, but I found myself looking behind me toward the living room as if another person was there. My heart thumped erratically, but it was all for naught as my eye candy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and shook his head.

“Dang, Ash, can I take a shower first? I just walked in the door.” He had a valid point; I could smell the dirt and sweat on him from across the room. As my mama would say, he smelled like an outside puppy. Ashton just shook her head and grabbed his arm, pulling him backward, toward where I stood quietly observing them.

“Nope, come say hi first.” She turned on her heel and almost ran into me at the doorway.

“Dang, girl! I didn’t know you were right here.”

My cheeks heated with embarrassment but even then, the sass was strong with this one. I cocked my hip to one side and slapped my hand on it.

“Well, with the way you ran out of the living room like the house was on fire, I woulda been crazy not to see what was going on!”

Ashton smacked her lips in response, but her brother chuckled, and I felt a smile lift my lips at the sound of his voice even as I initially refused to look his way.

“Anyway! Chris this is my new friend, Nedra. Nedra this is my older brother, Chris. He plays football at the high school. He’s a running back.” The pride in her voice was evident, and Chris heard it too because he shyly ducked his head and I could see a soft blush creep onto his tanned cheeks. Apparently, though, the Phillips’ were raised right because Chris then offered his hand to me in greeting.

“What up Nedra, nice to meet you.”

When I placed my hand in his, the thumping in my heart morphed to butterflies in my belly as my initial crush exploded into something thick and heavy that I would bear for the next four years. It was a sick cliche that I hated to admit, but by the time I was a junior in high school, I was definitely in love with my best friend’s older brother. And because my life had become a cliche, predictably, Chris never acknowledged me as anything other than Ashton’s “little friend”.

It wasn’t until I graduated high school, one year after him, and made my way to Franklin University—without Ashton—that Chris finally showed any interest in me.

Although Ashton had decided to go to school in sunny California, she assigned Chris with the task of “looking out for me”. He definitely did that—and more. After a few months of him dropping by my dorm room randomly just to “check on me”, he invited me out for pizza and a movie. My clueless ass had been so used to him treating me as an extension of his younger sister that I had no idea it was an actual a date. We went to see a movie, then to Pie Hi, a local pizza parlor, where I tried to pay for myself at both spots. He smoothly rejected my offer each time.

“Come on, girl. I invited you out; I’m not gon’ let you pay.”

His deep voice had a teasingly flirtatious lilt to it, and even though I knew what it sounded like—had heard something similar from other boys throughout the semester—I reminded myself that I was still just the “little friend” and that he was only doing this to appease Ashton. It wasn’t until the night came to an end that I finally got the message that he was trying to send.

I’d been in the middle of thanking him for getting my head out of my books when he shocked the shit out of me. First, he not only walked me to my building as he usually did, but he took it a step further and followed me on the elevator and walked me to my door. The flap of butterflies in my belly from just being near him was so commonplace by that point that I’d actually named them.

Quiet down Sasha, you loud ass bitch! This ain’t about you Lisa; let me have this moment, please!

I got myself together and turned to face him, my back to my door. “Thanks so much for tonight, Chris. I know Ashton has been on you about looking out for me, but you went above and beyond, and I really appreciate this.”

The way he just stood there, looking down at me was fraying the fuck out of my nerves, but I didn’t know how to end the evening like a person with a healthy dose of sense, so I rambled on, twisting my keys in my hand.

“You have no idea how stressed I’ve been about these midterms. The other night, I fell asleep in my textbook. I drooled on the pages and everything! It was crazy. So…yeah, I’m just saying that I really, really appreciate you getting me out of my room and helping me to loos—”

Before I could finish my sentence, two of his fingers were on my lips, and I damn near crossed my eyes trying to see what the fuck he thought he was doing. I might have been lovestruck, but I’d be damned if he was trying to shut me up. I opened my mouth to ask him if he’d lost his mind, but apparently, after four years of me and his sister being attached at the hip, he must have known what was going to come out of my mouth.

“Dang, girl, do you ever stop talking?” His lips were twisted into a sly grin but “love of my life” or not, I was going to give him a piece of my mind. My eyes widened in disbelief, and I jerked my head back from his hand, ready to cuss him smooth out when he shushed me. Normally, a simple shushing was not effective on me and only served to run me hot, but his was coupled with his face descending upon mine and his eyes drifting closed as his lips made their way to mine.

My heart was pounding out of my damn chest, and although I’d been kissed quite a few times before then, I was nervous as all get out. I slammed my eyes shut and tried to just keep my lips together to prevent ruining the moment that I’d only been dreaming about for the past 1,435 days.

“You ‘bout to kiss me or something?”

My eyes popped open as I surprised my damn self by whispering that question. I looked up at Chris, but his eyes were crinkled with amused confusion. His lips hovered right above mine, and my butterflies flapped furiously. I placed a hand on my belly and acknowledged that Chris hadn’t pulled away from me.

“Well, yeah. Is that a problem?”

I rolled my eyes even as my body heated with joy. “I mean…” I let the word draw out. “Why now?”

Shit.

I hadn’t meant to ask that. Of course, I wanted to know what changed for him and when, but I first wanted to taste those brown sugar lips that I’d memorized an eternity ago.

“Shiiiid. I got tired of waiting for you to lay one on a brotha first, so I had to gon’ handle it.”

My eyes snapped up to his. No the hell he didn’t? He’d been walking around, fine as hell, for years, and never even looked at me but had the nerve to say some shit like that? Nah.

“Shut ya lyin’ ass up!”

“I’m dead serious, Nedra.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Aight. I can show you better than I can tell you.” And he did just that. His hand slid to my cheek as he nudged my head back. This time, he kept his eyes open, holding my gaze with an intensity that scared the shit out of the nineteen-year-old me. The moment our lips touched, it seemed like our eyes closed at the same time as he worked his mouth over mine and ruined my life.

I wasn’t confused after that.

His lips and tongue tasted like marinara and Dr. Pepper from our dinner, but it was an intoxicating flavor all the same. My hands wrapped in his t-shirt and pulled him closer to me while his hand fell from my cheek to wrap around my waist so tightly that I was practically lifted from the ground. We stood there in the hallway of my dorm building, sucking face and holding on to each other for who knows how long until the door to my room swung open behind me.

“Okay, Nedra, get ya fast ass in here. You have a test tomorrow.”

Startled by the intrusion, Chris and I clumsily disentangled, and I turned to glare at my roommate who gave me a knowing smirk.

Ole hating ass hoe.

Chris grabbed my hand and squeezed it before letting go and backing up to the other side of the hallway. He acknowledged Shanice with a nod of his head as he grinned at me.

“What up, Niecy; them books ain’t getting you down, huh?”

With one hand on the doorknob and the other on her hip, Shanice shook her head. “Nope. Ya girl, on the other hand, is struggling. That’s why she needs to be in here in these books instead of in your face.”

Chris shook his head, grin still in place, eyes still on me. “Nah, Niecy. You got it backward. I’m in her pretty ass face. But you’re right. She needs to get back to them books. I just took her out so she could de-stress a lil bit. It’s all good.” He pushed off the wall and came back to stand in front of me.

“I hope I wasn’t too much of a distraction. Ashton’ll kick my ass if I disrupt your studies.” He chuckled and leaned down to drop another kiss on my lips before whispering in my ear that’d he’d see me later and heading down the hallway.

I stood there silently, watching him disappear down the hallway, with my heart in my throat until Shanice yanked me back into our room.

“Ow, bitch!” I rubbed my arm where her fingers had dug into my tender, heated flesh.

“What the hell was that?!” Her eyes were wide and excited.

My face split into a shit-eating grin, but I didn’t have an answer for her yet because I didn’t know myself. It wasn’t as simple as a kiss. It was Chris Phillips blowing my mind and kissing me like it was something that he’d wanted to do for as long as it had been something I wanted to do. But that was crazy. He had never seen me as anything other Ashton’s friend. I ran a visual catalog of the previous four years through my head, searching for any lingering touches or secret looks when he thought no one was watching.

No, there was none of that. I know because I had always been watching. So, if he never felt anything for me before now then what had just happened? That couldn’t just change overnight, right? But…that kiss was definitely not the kiss of a man who saw me as his little sister’s “little friend”.

That kiss—and the many the followed it—was the sweetest and most meaningful kiss I’d ever had that didn’t lead to sex. Kissing Chris that first time felt like the last piece of the puzzle of my life clicking into place. It felt like grabbing the last bag of Oreos off the grocery store shelf. It felt like waking up and discovering that Blockbuster was still in business and that not only was Borders still slinging books, but they were having a buy one-get one free sale.

It was everything I had dreamed of since I was a fourteen-year-old with a crush on my best friends brother and yet everything I had never imagined a kiss could be. It was sweet, alluring, and full of the promise of things yet to come. That one kiss had sealed my lovestruck fate with Chris. I was his from that point on. Unofficially, though, because he said he wanted me to focus on school and not on trying to be his girlfriend. At the time, I thought he was completely right and I didn’t fight him on it. I had a GPA to maintain, and I wasn’t going to ruin it for a few kisses that didn’t even come with a side of dick.

Yep, not only did he not claim me as his girlfriend right away, he also withheld sex. When the semester came to an end, he gave me a ride home and didn’t even ask to come inside even though my mama wasn’t there to welcome me home. Once again, he walked me to my door and kissed me senseless. I was tired of waiting, though, and grabbed his arm as he started to head back to his car.

“Are you saving it for marriage?”

He almost stumbled trying to turn back to me as he gave me a crazy look.

“What are you talking about?”

I dropped my grip on his arm and shrugged my shoulders. “I’m just wondering why you haven’t tried anything yet.”

His mouth dropped open at my bold assertion. I stared up at him, gaze unwavering. His kisses were driving me crazy and I know Shanice was tired of pretending she didn’t hear me use my vibrator several times a week. Her smart-ass gave me a pack of batteries as a Christmas gift and I ran from mall to mall until I found a bag of coal at a gag gift store to give her in return.

Chris’s mouth opened and closed a few times like a flopping fish out of water, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or be upset that he was at a loss for words. Had he seriously not even considered the possibility of us having sex? Was his regard for me as his little sister’s friend so strong that he couldn’t move our relationship to the next level? His silence was all the answer I needed.

I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him, finally opening the front door to my house. I was halfway inside when he called my name. As if I didn’t hear a thing, I entered the house and started to close the door behind me when Chris stuck his foot in the doorway. He came in and wrapped his arms around me, kicking the door shut and burying his face in my neck.

“Don’t be like that, Ned. Let’s at least talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Chris.” Especially not while he was nuzzling me and getting me all hot and bothered with no intentions of following through.

“I didn’t know if you were ready for all of that, and I didn’t want to put any pressure on you.”

I turned to face him. “So…it has nothing to do with you still being a virgin?”

His eyes bugged and his mouth dropped open once again.

“How…? Who—?” He stopped and shook his head. “Is there anything Ashton doesn’t tell you?”

I shrugged. “I hope not, or I’ll have to get in her ass about keeping secrets. Now, answer my question.” I folded my arms across my chest and tilted my head. I didn’t let him get out of that one easily. Earlier in the semester, Ashton had told me that he had experienced a couple of false starts with a girl he dated his freshmen year and that he never seemed to bounce back after that.

As a teenager in love, I had taken that information and twisted it to mean that I was supposed to be his first. Now that I was an adult, I could see it for what it was: a boy who was tired of being a virgin saw an opportunity to fix his problem. Just as Ashton used to tell me all of Chris’s business, I’m sure she told him all of mine, and he probably knew that I’d had sex before and that I was in love with him. He was just being opportunistic. Can’t fault him for that.

However, looking back on the situation with a fresh perspective and Granny’s words swirling around in my head, I had to wonder if I truly was missing something.