For some kids, using the Blues Busters from chapter 2 is enough to handle what’s bothering them. But others may have stronger feelings of sadness and may need (or want) to go a bit further. In this chapter, you’ll find pencil and paper exercises that have been helpful for the kids I’ve worked with. You can try these written activities yourself and see if they work for you, too.
If you don’t have one already, it’s time to get an adult helper: someone you trust who can look over the exercises with you and help you when you need it. The written exercises may stir up feelings that are difficult to handle alone. Dealing with these feelings will be easier if you have an adult to guide and support you. If it isn’t possible for a family grown-up to help, ask your teacher or your school counselor.
If at any time you realize that working on these exercises makes you feel more sad or lonely, then stop and take a break for as long as you need. Talk about your feelings with an adult you trust. When you’re ready, you can begin again.
If you’ve already tried the journaling ideas in chapter 2, that’s great! You can use the same journal for all of the exercises in this chapter. If you don’t have a journal already, now is a good time to start one. If you choose not to use a journal, a pencil and paper or a computer will work, too.
There’s something about putting pen to paper—or fingers to keyboard—that helps release feelings. See if you can get in the habit of writing each day. Do it first thing in the morning or before you go to bed each night. But don’t write on just the sad days. Be sure to write about happy times as well. This way, you can remind yourself of happy times when you’re feeling sad.
Don’t worry about writing a lot. Even one or two sentences a day can help. You don’t have to write complete sentences or worry about spelling. You can draw pictures if you don’t feel like writing.
Here are some ideas for your journal:
| Make lists of things you want to do, such as working on new hobbies, setting up times to get together with friends, or figuring out a plan for a school project. |
| Make a list of things that make you happy. |
| Write down which Blues Busters you tried from chapter 2 and which ones work the best for you. |
| Write about how you’re taking care of your body. Are you exercising, eating right, and avoiding junk food? Is it helping? |
| Write about your grown-up helper and how that person is supporting you. Who else can you go to when you need help? You can write down phone numbers of people you can call. |
| List positive things you can tell yourself when you’re feeling cranky and blue. |
Before you can start getting over your sadness, it can help to learn more about your feelings. Writing about your feelings is a good way to sort them out and understand them better. Then, they won’t seem so confusing and scary. Writing about your feelings will also help when you’re trying to tell someone else what’s going on with you.
Feelings can be positive or negative. They can also be mixed—positive and negative at the same time. For example, you can be excited about school ending but sad because you’ll miss your friends over the summer. Whether your feelings are positive or negative or both, remember that they are never right or wrong—they just are.
Here are some common positive feelings:
Make a list of the ones you have felt before, and add any other good feelings you sometimes have or would like to have more of. Then describe what kinds of things led to your feeling that way.
Now here are some negative feelings:
List which of these negative feelings you have had before, adding any others that made you feel down. Then describe what kinds of things led to your feeling that way.
When you’re trying to understand feelings better, sometimes it helps to talk to others. Ask different people you trust how they know what they’re feeling—and how they make themselves feel better when they’re feeling cranky or blue. You can ask your teachers, parents, older brothers or sisters, other relatives, counselors, and friends. Write down their ideas in your journal.
You can’t predict everything that will happen to you during a day—or even what kind of mood you will wake up in. Still, it can be helpful to think about what kinds of things make you feel sad and create a plan to get through those feelings. Then, at times when you’re feeling really low, you can look at your plan to remind yourself of what helps.
First, write down some things that might be sad for you. For example, your friends leave you out of their weekend plans, you get really sick and have to stay in bed for several days, or your dog runs away.
Next, make a list of things you can do to help yourself feel better. These are your coping strategies. (You can turn back to the Blues Busters described in chapter 2 for ideas.) If you know that some strategies work best for certain situations, be sure to mark that on your list. Otherwise, just list the things that have worked for you in the past or ideas you would like to try.
Keep the list of coping strategies in your journal or copy it onto a sheet of paper to hang in your room or locker. You could also use a stack of colored cards, with one strategy on each card. The next time you’re feeling sad, look at your list and pick a few strategies to try. Try them one at a time until you start feeling better. You can put a checkmark next to a strategy each time it worked for you. This helps you figure out which ones work best. Don’t be afraid to try a new idea—add it to your list!
People often think things that happen make them feel a certain way. For example, “She made me angry” or “Spilling my lunch tray made me feel stupid.” But this isn’t how feelings work. Instead, it’s what you think about what happened that causes you to feel a certain way. Looking at how thoughts and feelings are connected is called “the ABC model.” It was developed by Dr. Albert Ellis, a well-known doctor who helped many people.
Here’s how the ABC model works:
A | = | Actual Event—something happens. |
B | = | Belief about the event—what you believe the event means for you. |
C | = | Consequence (result) of your belief on your mood—you have a feeling about what happened. |
A lot of people—kids and grown-ups—feel bad or make bad decisions because they aren’t thinking clearly. The first step in “untwisting” your thinking is to take a good look at your belief about an event to see if there’s another belief that makes more sense. If there is, you can try to replace your belief with a new one—and this can lead to more positive feelings.
Nine-year-old Kiera was working on her math homework at the dining room table when her older brother walked in and started yelling at her about the mess she’d made. He really let her have it. Kiera thought her brother hated her—why else would he get so upset just because she had spread out her homework on the table? She felt sad and deeply hurt.
But then Kiera tried to change her thinking, and she realized he probably didn’t hate her. After all, she usually got along fine with her brother. Sometimes they even had fun together. Just last night they’d shared a big laugh together when their little brother got spaghetti sauce in his hair. Kiera decided something else must be bothering him. While this wasn’t an okay way for her brother to react, her new thought did make her feel better. Her brother didn’t hate her, and she didn’t have to feel so sad.
Now you try it. Think of a time you felt sad after something happened. Then break down what happened.
Answer these questions:
A | = | What was the Actual event? |
B | = | What was my Belief about what happened? |
C | = | What is the Consequence of my belief on my mood? |
Now, take a closer look at your belief. Does it make sense? Maybe you can dispute it. If you dispute your belief, you figure out that it isn’t the best belief about what happened. You find another explanation for what happened. If you can, does the new explanation have an effect on your mood? Answer the following questions:
D | = | How can I Dispute my first belief with a new belief? (How did my belief change my mood?) |
E | = | What’s the Effect of my new belief? What is my new feeling? |
Sometimes it’s very hard to untwist your thinking, especially if you’re depressed. If you’re having trouble using the ABC model, ask an adult to help you. A trusted grown-up’s beliefs may help you dispute your own beliefs. A grown-up may be able to point out something you didn’t see before.
Having high self-esteem means you feel good about yourself and think you can achieve your goals. When you do something well, you give yourself credit. When you fall short of a goal, you may be disappointed but you know it’s not because something is wrong with you. It’s just that things aren’t always going to go your way. On days when you feel sad or lonely, though, it’s natural for your self-esteem to drop a little. You might begin to wonder if people really care about you. You might believe you are to blame for all your problems. I call that twisted thinking, too.
Keeping a list of affirmations—good things about yourself—is one way to turn twisted thinking around. Start by listing three things you like about yourself. If you can’t think of any, ask your family members or trusted friends. Or see if any of the ideas in the following list describe you, and start your list with them:
I’m helpful.
I’m kind.
I’m funny.
I get good grades in science.
I’m good at sports.
I’m a good reader.
I try to cheer people up when they feel sad.
You can make your list as long as you like. Write your list in your journal and look back on it often, or hang your list in your room. If you put it near your bed, you can look at it first thing when you wake up and last thing before you go to bed. Each day, remind yourself of the good things about yourself.
Learning to deal with your sad feelings takes time and practice. Try working on these exercises every day—for as long as you can. The more you learn about your feelings and the more coping strategies you develop, the easier it will be to handle sad feelings when they come up. And then you can get back to the fun things in life!
