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Lainey
Five years earlier
“I want you to wear this ring Maddi, so I can show everyone you’re committed to me. That we’re committed to each other.”
Brendan rolls onto his side, smiling at me with tentative eagerness. We’re lying on the blankets piled in the back of his four-wheel-drive truck, chatting about random things as we stare at the stars in the clear, night sky. The slightest breeze blows, enhancing the perfect early autumn Queensland night. After dinner at a local restaurant with some of his friends earlier tonight, we’re now chilling in front of my house until my midnight curfew.
“It’s one of my nana’s rings, so it’s really special to me. I know it's your favourite stone. You'll love it, Maddi.”
I gaze at Brendan a little stupidly, completely taken by surprise. Pulling myself upright so I can examine the ring he’s holding, I’m dumbstruck to see a classy gold ring with a tastefully sized sapphire in the middle and three smaller sapphires embedded in the band on either side of the main stone. Sapphire is my favourite gemstone. I'm surprised he knows that, though.
The ring is exquisite, and I'm certain it's really, really expensive. It’s not the typical ring given to a high school student, that’s for sure.
“I don’t think—” I begin before he cuts me off with a finger to my lips. Sitting up, he pulls me closer, holding my left hand with a grip that makes me think he’s afraid I'm going to run away.
“I know you’ll think this is coming out of nowhere, but it's not. I’m certain you’re the only one for me, and I want some way of telling the world that you’re mine. At least until you turn eighteen and I can make it official. I’m in love with you, Maddi. Promise you'll be mine forever,” he pleads with an urgency to his tone that I’ve never heard before.
Until this moment, I thought that the month we’d spent together had been pretty casual. Brendan pushed to label us at the start, only backing away once he'd met my resistance. We go out together once or twice a week, usually in a group, and Brendan drives out to my family’s small hobby farm after nearly every evening—even when I tell him I’m too busy studying to see him. We spend time together, but none of that made me think we were this serious.
Hell, I feel claustrophobic—and somewhat annoyed—when he comes over after I tell him I'm busy, and simply sits on my bed watching me work through my textbooks.
We’ve had some mild make-out sessions, but nothing significant. I’m not ready to go the whole way with anyone. Brendan seems to respect that, even though he pouts and pushes the point on occasion. To be brutally honest, I think he sees me as a challenge, and that puts me off him a lot.
Because of the risk of being labelled a prude or old-fashioned, I’ve never told anyone other than Wendy what I want romance wise. It might sound like I'm chasing a dream; to want a love like my parents shared, but I don’t care. I want to feel exactly how my mother told me she felt for my father. Just like my mother, I want to feel a million butterflies in my tummy and for my heart to start racing when I look at the man I fall in love with.
I want to feel lost when he isn't near me.
I want to feel safe yet completely alive when we’re together.
I want to feel everything she described and more.
And, I don't feel that with Brendan.
I find him very attractive; however, the initial sparks he gave me have diminished entirely, flickering out like a fledgling fire in heavy rain as I've come to know him better. We don't have enough in common. Brendan enjoys the more refined things in life, while I'm still at my happiest when I'm surrounded by grease and motorcycle parts in my dad’s shed. I try my hardest to fit in with Brendan and his friends, feeling like a square peg in a round hole most of the time, but I’m never completely relaxed around them. Despite his sentiments, I'm nowhere close to being in love with him.
“You're right. I do think this is coming out of nowhere.” I laugh nervously, pulling my hand from his. I’m bewildered by his declaration—baffled as to how I'm supposed to handle it. “I'm sorry, but I didn't realise that you think we’re at this stage. I'm not getting engaged to you, Brendan. Not at seventeen or once I'm eighteen. I’m really surprised that you're asking me since we aren’t even officially dating.”
With soft eyes and a soothing smile, I try to cushion my words. I don’t want to offend him or hurt his feelings, but I’m not going to lie about how I feel either.
“I’m not talking about getting engaged yet, my silly darling girl. I simply want to make what is between us official. I want a symbol that shows everyone you're with me. This is a commitment ring, not an engagement ring.”
My face reddens with embarrassment when he explains his intentions. His initial words caused me to assume that he was talking about becoming engaged. I feel dumb, so ignoring the way the word “yet” rattles around my brain in alarm, I concentrate on everything else he said.
Do I want to make us official? What is this us he’s talking about? We’re more than friends, but am I ready to commit to being half of a couple with a man I’m not sure I’ll grow to love? Making a snap decision, I decide that it’s not that big of a deal. People get together and break up all the time, so why can’t we? I’ll never settle my doubts about him if I don’t at least try.
“Well, I feel kind of stupid for jumping to conclusions. Honestly, I haven't really put too much thought into this, but I suppose there’s no harm in wearing your ring. Let’s see where this goes.”
Reaching to take the ring from him so I can slide it on my finger, I hesitate when he jerks his hand back. Holding the ring out of my reach, he laughs at me mockingly. I hate this laugh—having been on the receiving end of it a few times now. I only hear it when Brendan’s making it known that he thinks because he's older than me, he’s smarter.
That I'm wrong and he's right.
“Don't you think you are kind of messed up, Maddi? Aren't I supposed to be the commitment-phobe and you the one pushing to make things official? Jesus, it's not like I'm not a catch. Every single girl you know would give anything to be sitting where you are.”
Since I don't possess any answers to his—slightly insulting—questions that aren’t going to make me sound like a huge loser, I stay silent. Letting out a long sigh, he grasps my left hand gently, sliding the ring to the first knuckle of my ring finger. I pull my hand back and present him with my right-hand.
“I’d feel more comfortable wearing it on my right hand.”
Hurt, hang-dog eyes greet my request, but I don’t retract my words. After a pause that seems to stretch for eternity, he slides the ring onto my proffered right-hand ring finger. It fits perfectly, suiting my long, slim hand as if it was made for it. It’s strange, but I feel neither excitement nor gratitude. Instead a perverse feeling of being shackled floods me.
The ring is the only jewellery I’m wearing aside from the diamond and sapphire studs that Mik gave me for my sixteenth birthday, and my heart-shaped gold locket and chain with my parent’s wedding picture in it. The locket used to be my mother’s, so it’s priceless to me. I'm not a jewellery type of girl, but I never take my locket or earrings off.
An awkward silence grows between us; which Brendan eventually ends. “Eventually I'm going to make you break out of this holding pattern you have us in, Maddi.”
Ire rises within me at his words.
“I’m seventeen, Brendan, not twenty-two. I have plans for my life, and I'm not willing to let anything get in the way.” Narrowing my eyes, I continue with irritation evident in my sharp tone. “You know that getting into a law school in Brisbane next year is my only goal right now. So, forgive me for not being sure where getting serious with you fits into that when you live here.”
We’ve spoken numerous times about my plans to move to Brisbane for university at the end of this year. I thought he understood. Obviously not.
“I know that, and I support you with everything you’re planning. Like a boyfriend should. I want to go to Brisbane with you. There’s nothing holding me here until Dad gets too old to work our land by himself. By then, you’ll have your degree and plenty of experience. We can work out our next move when we need to.”
He stares at me, his gorgeous brown eyes pleading. Warmth spreads through me. Brendan’s put some serious thoughts into our future. I feel like he’s trying to bulldoze me a little by making me feel like a bitch for never factoring him into my plans past the end of this year, but I push the uncharitable thoughts away. Assumptions are a bitch; my assumption being that I’d head to Brisbane for university and he’d stay here. My lack of real romantic feelings for him, coupled with my assumptions, have let me create a built-in expiry date for our “relationship”.
“I know you don’t feel the same about me, yet, but you will. As you just pointed out, I’m older than you. That means I appreciate what we have more than you do. Feelings grow and yours will. I'll make sure of it.”
Hope shining from his eyes, he seduces me with the words every girl I know wants to hear. Especially from a man who looks like Brendan and comes from a family like his. He’s laid everything on the table for me. I feel as if some type of positive response is required, so I climb onto his lap and give him a hard, closed-mouthed kiss on the lips. His strong arms snake around me, holding me to him.
“I feel like a complete bitch for what I just said. I'm sorry. And you're right. I’m not in love with you, but I do have some feelings for you.” A small grin creases his face, excitement radiating from his gaze as my words register. “I want to see where this relationship goes, so I'll try to forget about next year and concentrate on now. We’ll make decisions about our future when the time comes.”
Disappointment trumps his excitement when I finish speaking. He isn’t satisfied with my answer, but I’m my father’s daughter. I don’t lie to appease. This is my future we’re talking about, not just his, so I reserve the right to make choices that work for me.
Brendan doesn’t speak, instead responding to my words with a tighter, more constricting hug. I mentally shrug off his dissatisfaction. Concentrating, instead, on the fact that I’ve smoothed over our first disagreement, rather than his disappointed reaction.
If I’m honest, the fierceness in his tight hold makes me feel special. It’s stupid, but I send up a prayer that I’ll develop deeper feelings for him soon. He's absolutely right. Every girl I know would kill to be in my shoes. I feel like a freak because, once again, I'm not reacting like a normal girl.
Still hugging me, Brendan states in a serious tone, “Now that we are official, I think you should stay home with me this weekend instead of going away with your family to that birthday party.”
I pull away from him, so I can read his expression. This weekend is Mik’s twenty-sixth birthday. There is no way I’m missing it.
“Why would I do that?” Pulling all the way out of his arms, I stare at him in confusion. He can't be serious? “It’s my best friend’s birthday. We’ll be okay spending a weekend apart.”
After I speak, I laugh. It’s not possible that he’s serious. He’s playing a joke with me, I’m certain. I’ll never be the type of girl who asks her boyfriend’s permission to go somewhere without him. The word boyfriend throws me for a second. What a foreign title it is. Laughter bubbles from my belly, gaining intensity when I repeat his silly request in my head.
Anger clouding his handsome features, Brendan grips me firmly by the tops of my arms. Glaring into my eyes, menace evident, he whisper-yells at me, “You just said that you’re my woman now. That means you don’t get to go away without me or mess around with other men. Who knows what you’ll get up to without me there. I know you have a past with this Mik you’re always talking about, but now that you’re wearing my ring, it has to stop!”
Shocked at the venom in his words, I fall still. My laughter dries up in an instant. Mentally, I correct his assertion that I agreed to be his woman. I said no such thing. I agreed to try having a relationship with him. To wear a promise ring.
That’s all.
Not wanting to escalate our disagreement, I let it slide ... for now.
Brendan’s face is so close to mine that I can feel his hot breath punctuating each word he says. His eyes bore into mine, rage flaring within them, and his grip around my arms tightens painfully. Hard enough to leave bruises. When I don't answer him straight-away, he shakes me as if I'm a rag doll. My teeth snap together, head lolling on my shoulders before I can stop it.
Jerking my head as far from him as I can, I place my palms against his chest to push him away from me. “Let go of me, please. You’re completely wrong. Mik and I have never been together. He’s literally my best friend. That’s it.” I try to reason with him. His rage doesn’t falter at my words. “You’re the only man to have touched me in any way. You’re my first boyfriend.”
Nobody has ever dared to treat me like this. Although during the past few months I’ve learned that Brendan can be pushy, I've never seen him act this way. It has me equal parts afraid and angry. Every ounce of restraint I possess is needed to stop me from reacting as I usually would. The desire to rip shreds off him with my nasty tongue or physically remove his hands from my body engulfs me.
Instead, I try to placate him. It's not my usual approach, but I don't want to cause a scene and deal with a bunch of “I told you so’s” from Benji, so this is his only opportunity to calm down. I’ll yell for my dad or kick his ass myself if he gets any further out of hand. I’m making escape plans in my head when my words finally register with him.
Brendan’s face lights up and he crushes me to him in a bear hug. “Are you saying you’re a virgin?”
“Yes, I am,” I mumble, embarrassed that he’s verbalised what I was hinting at. “What gave you the idea that I wasn’t? Why would you think that Mik and I had a relationship? You’ve never even met him.”
I pepper him with questions as relief sets in. Now that he’s let go of me and has calmed, I’m bemused. I can't fathom why he feels that he has a right to be jealous of someone who’s been in my life forever.
It's absurd.
“Your entire family’s always talking about you two like you’re an old married couple or something. I know you call each other all the time, plus you go to Brisbane to stay with him,” Brendan whines as he explains himself. He sounds like a toddler whining that his friend wants to play with someone else. I’m waiting for him to stamp his foot and declare that “it’s not fair” like a four-year-old. “They like him a lot more than they like me.”
I can't help myself. My overactive imagination has me picturing him stamping his foot and spitting the dummy. I bury my face in his chest to disguise the peals of laughter that overcome me. My shoulders shake, my stomach tight as I struggle to regain control of myself.
He’s right. It's true that Dad loves Mik and that he hasn’t exactly taken to Brendan. Dad calls Brendan “Mr. Pretentious” behind his back. Stupidly, I never realised Brendan had picked up on Dad’s aversion.
“Oh my God! Mik’s my dad’s godson—His dad is my dad’s best friend. I’ve known him since I was born. We’ve been best friends since our moms died two months apart. He’s awesome and I love him, but not in a boyfriend way.” I’m trying my hardest to control my laughing as I explain my relationship with Mik. Brendan couldn’t have it more wrong if he tried. There’s never been, and never will be, anything between me and Mik. I don’t even look at him like that. Honestly, how can Brendan have such a wrong idea about someone he has never met?
“I’m so sorry, Maddi. I snapped at you for nothing. I’m such a jerk! I was jealous,” he apologises quickly, a sheepish look on his face. “I'm glad you're only ever going to be with me.”
His tight hug and silly reasoning help me choose to forgive him for his ridiculous outburst. I have no idea where he got his crazy idea, but my ego is enjoying having the most lusted after guy I know in a jealous panic over me.
“It’s okay. I’m still not ready to take the next step with you,” I remind him as he lifts my face to his for a kiss.
Nodding at my words, he pulls me toward him. I’m still a tiny bit annoyed with him, so I hold back. He tugs again, harder this time, lifting me and leaving me no choice but to straddle his lap. Pressing his lips to mine, he initiates the most passionate kiss we’ve shared. It takes my breath away, spreading warmth to my lower belly, even as it pushes my boundaries.
I pull away from him when the front light of my house comes on. Benji sticks his head out the door. “It’s midnight, Maddi. Get your ass inside.”
Flipping my twin the bird, I give Brendan a quick kiss on the cheek. Moving off his lap, I reinstate an appropriate amount of space between us. Straddling a man is not a position I'm comfortable being in around my twin brother.
“I’ll see you tomorrow before we leave?” I ask Brendan when Benji comes to stand next to the vehicle, crossing his arms over his chest as a silent warning to hurry up.
Brendan jumps down from his truck, lifting me over the side before placing me on the ground in front of him. As he puts me down, he slides me down the front of him, his erection pressing into my stomach. He’s never been that forward with me before.
I wasn’t expecting him to do something so overt at this moment, so a surprised gasp leaves me. He chuckles at my reaction, running his hands up my sides until he cups my breasts. Flicking his thumbs over my nipples, his eyes flash, as he awaits my response. Feeling uncomfortable, I take a quick step away from him. Brendan smirks, as if my reaction pleases him.
“I’ll see what I can do. I’d still prefer you to spend the weekend with me instead,” he answers my earlier question and leans down to kiss me. Ignoring my resistance, he pulls me back into his embrace, my breasts pillowing against his chest when he uses one hand to grasp my ass and press me against him.
Benji makes gagging sounds.
“Stay with me?” he asks again, hope in his voice. Benji snorts at his request.
I shake my head. I'm not missing Mik’s party. Brendan’s eyes narrow, and he pushes me away from him. Nodding curtly at Benji, who simply gives him an arrogant chin lift in return, he gets in his vehicle and drives off without a backward glance.
I'm getting whiplash from his behaviour tonight, and it’s not pleasant.
Once Brendan is out of sight, I turn to Benji with an angry hiss. “What the fuck is your problem? Why do you always have to be so rude to him?”
I rarely swear even though everyone around me does constantly, but I’ve had enough of Benji’s issues. My head is swimming from Brendan’s irrational jealousy and rude departure. My temper needs an outlet.
Benji is right in front of me, so he’ll do.
It annoys me to no end that Benji hasn’t been friendly with Brendan since the day he asked me out. Every time they’re in the same place, they end up having words. Lately, it’s been escalating to physical altercations, forcing me to play peacemaker. I have no idea what their problem is with each other, and neither will give me a straight answer when I ask.
Benji slings his arm over my shoulder, turning me toward the front door.
My twin dwarfs me, so much so that I feel petite next to him. He’s the exact opposite of me in looks. While I inherited our mother’s blondness and fair but easy-to-tan skin, my four brothers all take after our father. They have black hair, light olive skin, and tall, broad frames. Benji and Joel are naturally muscular, good-looking men like our dad. Matty and Lachie are showing signs of taking after him already.
The only way you can tell that I'm related to them is by the electric blue eyes that we all share with our father and our well-above-average height. Mom’s eyes were an unusual sea green that I would’ve loved to have inherited.
“Little sis,” he begins, winking because he knows addressing me like that will get a reaction. He's constantly a smartass, loving to torment me, yet he’s always the first person to deal with anyone else who dares to step out of line with me. My brother and I are close, possessing not only our twin connection, but also a reliance on each other that developed after our mom’s death. I have a similar connection with all four of my brothers.
Taking his bait because I can’t help myself, I elbow him hard in the ribs. I’m only little in size against him. I’m actually seven minutes older. He laughs at my attack for a second, his expression turning to concern quickly.
“That fucker is bad news. He’s not who you think he is, Mads. The whole my-shit-don't-stink vibe he has when he’s around you pisses me off. And the way he threatens everyone to keep you to himself is fucked up. He’s possessive as fuck, and it's not fucking normal. That guy wants to own you, and that's bullshit. You’re not a toy, ya know?”
“What are you talking about, Benji? I'll agree that he does come on too strong sometimes, but we weren't even official until tonight, so why would he be trying to isolate me?” Benji glares at me when I mention the upgrade in my relationship status with Brendan, but I ignore him and resume our argument. “I really think you're trying to find an excuse to pick a fight with him.”
Narrowing my gaze at my overprotective brother, I work myself into a righteous state. Standing on my tiptoes, I shout in his face. “I thought your original problem was that I was just a quick fuck to him? Now, you’re upset that he wants me to himself. I think your problem is that your nose is out of joint because he’s my first boyfriend and Dad doesn't let you run my life anymore.”
Benji holds his palms up in surrender, his eyes widening. He knows he’s close to getting thumped by me. He might be bigger than me, but I can still pack a punch, and he knows it.
“You're so fucking wrong, Mads. I'd actually fucking laugh at you if this wasn't so serious.”
I roll my eyes at his overreaction.
“Open your bloody eyes. Next time we’re all together, actually pay some attention to how he treats us because then you'll see I'm right. Don’t you think it's fucking weird that none of your friends hang around anymore? Why do you think Kyle and the other guys don't talk to you when he's around? He’s threatened everyone. Fuck, Maddi, he punched Kyle because he hugged you goodbye in front of him. Kyle’s fucking family! Brendan's a possessive motherfucker, and you don't seem to see it.”
“All right, I'll pay attention.” I huff in defeat.
Benji wouldn't argue like this if he wasn't worried. He can be overbearing, but that's only when he thinks I need it. Despite my previous accusation, he’s normally pretty laid back with me. Mulling over Benji’s claims, I realise that he has a point. My girlfriends don't really come over anymore. I've been so busy with my last year of school, I haven't realised that almost every minute of spare time I have involves Brendan, even though I don't seek him out often.
And, I'd never paid much attention to Kyle because he’s practically family, and therefore a bit like furniture at our house, but he hasn't been hanging out with me like he used to. I only see him if it's one of the rare occasions when Brendan’s not around.
To top off everything, there’s our argument about me going away this weekend for Mik’s birthday. I’m still confused about that. On its own, it all seems innocent and easily explained.
Together, it looks like it might be more—jealousy, controlling, alienation.
I don't think Benji’s right about Brendan's motivations, but he could be. Brendan was jealous of Mik tonight for no logical reason. I still have the lingering tenderness in my biceps from when he shook me as a reminder of his irrational anger.
I really don’t know.
