| |
Lucas
Sending JJ away was fucking hard, but it needed to be done. I can’t let her get further under my skin until I’m certain that she’s in it for the long haul. My Club’s in the middle of some serious shit, and it’s only gonna get worse before it gets better. Having my head all over the place because of a woman who thinks she’s too good for me, a woman who’s too scared of her father to live her own life, will take me off my game and put the Club and our families into further danger.
It’s my job to keep everyone safe.
To have every weak spot that can be targeted protected.
And to make sure nobody ends up hurt again, like Joel and Maddi have.
“I fucking owe you big time for that, brother.” Mad Dog drags me from my fucked-up thoughts when he strides into my kitchen.
“That you do, brother. She’s gonna kick my ass for letting you in.” I can’t help my morose tone, even though I’m mostly happy for them.
When he chuckles in agreement of my assessment of the reaction I’m gonna receive next time Maddi sees me, I can’t even summon the capacity to laugh with him.
I’m out of fucks to give, tonight.
Since JJ left, I’ve been slumped at the dining table knocking back beer after beer, trying to resist the overwhelming urge to ride to her house and demand she makes a decision right fucking now. The loud arguing coming from Maddi’s room died down about twenty minutes ago, so I’d let myself wallow about mine and JJ’s shit, certain that at least those two were heading back onto the right path.
Grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter, Mad Dog leans back against it as he peels the piece of fruit and eats it in three big bites. Throwing the peel over his shoulder into the sink behind him, he regards me for a long moment before he speaks. “What’s up?”
“Nothing you can fix. Nothing anyone can fix.”
Curling his lip at my whining tone, the smug bastard breaks into the first full grin I’ve seen from him in over six months. “Try me. I’m full of fucking wisdom and all that shit tonight. Got Lainey to give me another chance, so I reckon I can fix your woman problems.”
“Never said it was woman problems.” I shrug, hoping he’ll let it go. “How did you manage to talk her into giving you another shot? She was fucking adamant when she got back from the date you fucked up, that she wasn’t gonna give you the time of day, let alone another shot.”
Rolling his shoulders, his grin dims a bit as he ponders my question.
“It was close, but we got there. Just had to admit exactly how big of a fuck-up I am. We’re gonna date for a bit, take our time and rebuild. It’s gonna fucking kill me keeping my hands to myself, but if it means I get her back, I’ll manage it.” He groans, running his hands through his hair. “Fuck! What the fuck did I just sign up for? I can’t not fuck her—”
He shoots me daggers when I burst into laughter at his dismay. Dumb fucker just signed up to torture himself, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it. He’d do the same to me.
“Yeah fuck you, brother. I’m out,” he snarls.
Thumping me on the back as he walks past and heads for the front door, he cocks his head over his shoulder, flashing serious his serious expression at me. “You need to talk; you know where I am. You always have my back, and I’ve got yours. Any fucking time of the day.”
“I know, Mad Dog. I’ll let you know if I can’t sort it out.”
Shooting me a sympathetic smile before the cheeky grin that everyone who knows him has wanted to wipe off his face on a regular basis appears, he drawls, “Women, brother.”
“Yep. Fucking women.”
Pushing myself from the chair after the front door closes behind him so I can grab another beer, I’m interrupted when my phone beeps. Checking it, I find a message from JJ.
JJ: Can you come over? I need you, Lucas. Please...
Fuck. What do I say to that? My entire being wants to ride to her house right now, but it’s not a good idea. I need to give her—both of us—the week I promised. If I don’t put my foot down now, we’ll never get this shit sorted, and she’ll keep giving me just enough to keep me around.
I want total commitment, and I refuse to settle for the dregs she throws my way.
I’ve done it for the last six months.
No fucking more.
ME: Sorry, Doll. We need this time apart more than we need each other right now. I’ll contact you when your time’s up.
Pulling back my arm to throw the phone at the wall, my frustrations with this situation boiling over as doubts creep in, I’m interrupted by a silky voice chiding me about my impending stupidity.
“You’re going to regret that, Timber.” Maddi walks into the kitchen and pulls my phone from my hand. She gently places it on the table before wrapping her arms around my waist. Leaning back so she can look me in the eyes, she continues scolding me. “What’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing. You’ve been stressed for the last few months, and it’s only getting worse. Talk to me.”
Extricating myself from her arms, I throw myself back into my chair. She follows, taking the chair opposite mine.
“Talk.” Maddi flashes her lets-get-serious-now expression at me when I continue to sit in silence.
It’s not that I don’t want to share my problems—she’s a great listener, and her advice is usually on point. But since she’s part of it, I don’t think it’s fair to saddle her with knowledge that’s going to cause her to become conflicted within herself.
My confusion is enough for both of us.
“You know that JJ doesn’t want to get serious with me?” I begin. She nods, her narrowed eyes letting me know just what she thinks about JJ’s choice. “Well, I fucking laid it out for her tonight. All or nothing. I’ve given her a week on her own to decide.”
Shock flits across her expression before she pulls herself together. “Do you think that was a good idea? I don’t know her story, and I’ve always had the impression that she really doesn’t like me, to be honest, but I can tell that there’s something serious holding her back. She’s obviously into you, and it’s pretty bloody obvious that you’re into her...” Trailing off, she swings back in her chair, deep in thought.
I assume she’s finished speaking. I keep quiet anyway. It’s not my place to tell her JJ’s story, but it proves how intuitive my best friend is. At least she’s realised that JJ does have a reason for being the way she is, unlike my mama. And she does have a good reason, as much as I disagree that her issues are relevant to us. While Maddi seems on board with me trying to work it out with JJ. My mama, on the other hand, isn’t. Her understanding ran out about a month ago—she’s pushing me to move on from JJ if she won’t commit.
I open my mouth to tell her about my mama but close it when Maddi swings herself upright.
Rising to her feet and adjusting her short nightdress, she cocks her head. “I don’t want to know what JJ’s problems are. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want me to know. But I do want you to answer me a couple of questions,” her voice is brittle as she speaks.
Worry floods me as I wonder what she’s about to ask. Her bright blue eyes are glistening.
Fuck, I hope she doesn’t cry. I’m not good with her tears. “Anything, Princess. You know we don’t keep secrets.”
Shifting from one foot to the other, she toys with the hem of her nightdress, making my cock harden when she accidentally flashes the tops of her smooth, tanned thighs. After a while, she smiles at me. It’s a fake smile, through thin lips. It almost resembles a grimace.
“You know what you said to me tonight before I found Mik in my room?”
Shit. I don’t want to go here with her. Not tonight. Not ever. I should have kept my pie hole shut.
“Yeah?” I answer, even as my heart starts to pound, and my mouth becomes dry.
“You meant it, didn’t you?”
“Which part?” I hedge.
“You know what part! Don’t play dumb with me.” Her eyes flash at me in annoyance, and I suppress a smile. She has a decent temper on her; a temper that’s easily triggered at times, and not too much fun to be on the receiving end of. “The part where you told me that if I ever managed to get over Mik, you’d be there waiting, first-in-line. The part where you said that you’d love to have me for yourself.”
Her chest rises and falls as she pants with agitation. I pull my eyes away from her heaving tits. Now’s not the time to be checking her out. I don’t know if she’s upset at me for playing dumb with her, or if she’s upset with what I said to her.
“Did you mean it, Timber?”
I can’t read her face. Does she want me to mean it? Or does she want me to say that I said it to make her feel better? Can I tell her the truth even if it means it drives a wedge between us both, and myself and Mad Dog if she tells him?
“I did, Princess. You already fucking know I did.” The truth falls from my lips, even as I’m questioning the wisdom of it. Fucking hell, what have I started here?
Her face falls, and her eyes fill with tears.
Happy tears?
Sad tears?
Angry tears?
I don’t fucking know.
“We’ve been dancing around our attraction to each other since you moved in here when you two broke up. Actually, that’s not bloody true, we’ve had this thing between us since he claimed you all those years ago. Fuck, you pretty much threw yourself at me tonight, and that’s not the first time you’ve done it.”
Squaring her shoulders, she regards me for a long moment before she speaks, “You’re right. We have been dancing around this. And, you’re also right that I’ve thrown myself at you a few times since Mik and I broke up.”
Closing the space between us, she stands on her toes and places her hands on either side of my face. She’s tall for a woman, standing an inch or so under six-foot, but even with her height I still need to bend as she tugs my face to hers and plants a close-mouthed kiss on my lips. It lasts for mere seconds in reality, although the seconds feel like an eternity to me. I’ve wanted this for years. As I’m debating whether to deepen the kiss, she pulls back from me.
The threatening tears spill from her eyes.
“If Mik didn’t own my heart, I’d be yours in a minute. I love you, Timber. I really do. But I’m not in love with you.” I can’t control myself as I jerk away from her. Her words hurt me—even though I always knew the truth—and my reaction hurts her. Her falling tears gather speed. “I could be in a world where Mik didn’t exist, but he does, and he’s it for me. I’m so sorry for playing with your feelings because I’ve been lonely and lost, but you need to put this behind you. You need to shut off your feelings for me and pour all of them into JJ. I truly think she’s the one for you, but you’re blocking it by fixating on how you think you feel about me.”
Princess’s voice is strong and resolute as she tells me what she thinks I should do. I’ve been kidding myself all along that she didn’t know how I felt about her. As usual, she’s one step ahead of us all. Drawing in a big breath, she continues speaking, “JJ knows, doesn’t she? That’s why she doesn’t like me? That’s why you gave her an ultimatum? If you can scare her into leaving you, then you can blame everything failing on her. You can keep licking your wounds about what Amy did, and you can keep me on my pedestal as the unattainable woman that no one else can compete with.”
The fury that has burned inside me for eight year’s spikes at her mention of Amy.
We’re not going there. Ever.
My first instinct is to tear huge fucking strips off her for daring to assume she knows what’s going on in my head. But when I look at her standing there, with her hands on hips and her expression overflowing with her love and worry for me, I swallow the urge and force myself to think about what she’s saying. “I want to tell you to get fucked right now. That you’re fucking wrong about everything.” At my admission, she arches one delicate, blonde eyebrow as a silent challenge. “But we both know you’re right.”
Grinning at me, she rolls her eyes. “Well, duh. You should know by now that I’m always right.”
“Don’t be a smartass. You’re only partially right. Yeah, I’m running away like a pussy, but JJ’s also got some shit she needs to deal with before we can go any-fucking-where. I’m not willing to play second fiddle, and she needs to—”
With an impatient wave of her hand, she cuts me off. “I told you, I don’t need to know what her issues are. It doesn’t matter what they are, you big moron.”
Getting in my face, she waves her hands around some more to emphasise her points. “What I can tell you is that you can’t simply dish out an ultimatum and then leave her to sort through everything by herself. That’s not fair. She won’t pick you, if you do that. Haven’t you learned anything from sticking your nose into mine and Mik’s problems all the time? You give us so much great advice, yet you can’t work that out for yourself?”
Taking a step away from her, I drop my chin to my chest and inspect the floor. When she puts it like that, it seems so straightforward. The only problem is that it’s not. Even after her surprising jealousy tonight, I’m still not sure how JJ feels about me, and while I know I have feelings for her, they aren’t to the depth that I have for Maddi.
Not yet. Maybe not ever.
I can’t just switch my feelings for Maddi off because she tells me to.
I’m not a fucking machine.
“You’re making sense, Princess. I’ll think about it.”
Rolling her eyes at my half-assed reply, she walks to the kettle and switches it on. Taking a seat, I watch in silence as she boils the water and makes her nightly chamomile tea and my decaf coffee. The ease that we have always had between us doesn’t seem to be affected by the admissions we made to each other tonight, and for that, I’m grateful.
Placing my hot mug in front of me, she sighs, and slides my phone toward me. “Think about why JJ is the way she is. She strikes me as a very intelligent, compassionate woman, so she must have genuine issues to be hurting you like this. Sort out your feelings for me and let her know that you have. Then help her fix her problems. You won’t regret it, Timber. Let yourself have the love that you help Mik and I find every time we stumble over our crap. You deserve it.”
Gathering her mug into one hand, she plants a kiss on the top of my head and runs a hand down my bearded cheek. I nuzzle into her hand, placing a kiss on her palm.
“You must tell her about Amy as well.”
Pain ripples through my chest at her demand—stealing the air from my lungs. How can it still hurt so much after all this time? Without another word, Maddi walks out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with my spinning thoughts and emotional upheaval.
I’d love a call from Beast right fucking now, needing me to beat the life out of some cunt. At least then I could burn off some of this frustration and get myself on an even keel. Back to a place where rational thought might be possible. Instead, I’m left sitting here thinking about mine and JJ’s fucked-up pasts, feeling helpless, and unable to fix a fucking thing.
