‘How are you feeling today?’ Stephanie asks me.
‘Confused. Uncertain about everything, really.’ I agreed to see Matthew tonight, at my flat. ‘All I want to do is talk,’ he’d said when I looked hesitant, Hugo and Aunt Viv’s warning voices in my ear. ‘Christmas is coming up,’ he went on, ‘and I was hoping we could see one another. I’d like to be with Louis, enjoy my first Christmas with him.’
‘What’s “everything”?’ Stephanie likes to pick on words; make me explain what I mean by them.
‘Matthew, mainly.’ I dig into my handbag to find the piece of paper with the name of Matthew’s counsellor. ‘Do you know Sam Colefox?’
‘Polly. What’s this about?’
Briefly I explain that Hugo wants to make sure Matthew really did attend counselling and anger-management courses.
‘Do you understand why Hugo might be concerned?’
‘Basically, he doesn’t trust a word Matt says. I’m grateful to him, he’s being protective. Anyway, I’ve googled this counsellor, but quite a few names crop up and I just wanted to make sure …’
‘I know him,’ she says. ‘He practises in Fulham. He specialises in abuse, addiction, compulsive and obsessive behaviour and anger management.’
Relieved, I nod. ‘Yes, but anyone can pluck a name out of a hat, Polly,’ Hugo had said. ‘I could tell you I’d seen this Sam Colefox person. Doesn’t mean I have.’
‘Polly, you seem anxious.’
‘I am. I don’t know what to do.’ I confide about our recent cinema trip and coffee. Matthew taking my hand, telling me he wanted to make a go of it again.
‘What’s your heart telling you?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘How about this? What’s stopping you?’
‘Where do I start? Fear. Reactions from others, Louis being hurt if this doesn’t work, if he walks out on us or …’ I take a deep breath. ‘He hurts me again. Louis was a baby when that happened. He’s growing up so fast. The damage would be terrible and … no, that’s it.’
‘That’s all?’
I nod, unconvincingly. ‘Ben,’ I admit at last. ‘Ben stops me.’
‘In an ideal world, what would you like to happen?’
I’m torn. ‘A part of me misses Ben and what we could be, but then again I’ve felt close to Matthew recently, slowly I’ve begun to enjoy seeing him, and he makes Louis so happy. What would you do?’ I throw the question at her, knowing she can’t or won’t answer it. ‘Sorry, I know you can’t tell me what to do.’
Stephanie takes off her glasses and leans towards me. ‘Polly, I see a lot of clients who relapse when they go back to a bad relationship – sometimes the only reason they go back is because it’s easier to return to someone familiar, even if that person was abusive or destructive, and do you want to know why?’ She closes her notebook. ‘Because they don’t believe they are worthy of anything better,’ she says with passion. ‘Someone who loves them is too overwhelming.’ She looks at me directly. ‘Polly, you do the same thing; you get the same result. Do something differently and you’ve got a chance at something new and better. The best thing for you, what could help you more than anything else is being with the right person. Over the last few years you have worked out that there were consequences to your mistakes and that you had to make sure you walked down a different path …’ Stephanie stops. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she gathers her composure. ‘I can’t tell you what to do.’
But we both know she just has.
*
As I approach the school gates I see Ben, hands deep in his coat pockets. Tentatively, I walk over to him and say hello, asking how he is.
‘How’s the work going?’
‘Busy.’
‘How’s Emily? Would she like to come over and play one afternoon?’
‘Maybe.’
Is this what our friendship has been reduced to? ‘Ben, please,’ I say, trying to reach out to him. ‘Can we talk?’
He looks withdrawn, his eyes tired. ‘It’s good to see you,’ he says finally.
‘You too.’
‘Polly, I’m sorry …’
‘No, I’m sorry.’ I remember the hurt and anger in his eyes when I’d said we couldn’t be more than friends. ‘This is the perfect excuse to put the brakes on us.’
‘This stinks,’ he declares at last, making both of us smile.
‘It really does.’
‘I’m bored of not seeing you.’
‘Me too. Insanely bored.’
‘Can I come over? Tonight? Emily keeps on asking why we don’t see you any more, and I, well, I miss you.’
‘I can’t, not tonight, but how about …’
‘Are you seeing him?’
A crowd of children begin to emerge from the school building. ‘He’s coming over for supper but …’
‘Are you back together?’
‘No. He wants to talk about Louis, that’s all.’
My mobile rings. Matthew’s name appears on the screen. I catch Ben’s eye. He’s seen the name too.
‘Take it,’ he says as Emily rushes towards him, her satchel swinging off her shoulder, Louis following closely behind.
Emily says hello to me, my mobile still ringing. I reject the call, saying it can wait. ‘Daddy is coming over tonight,’ Louis mentions to Ben and Emily. ‘I’m going to show him my pilot costume. I want him to sleep over.’
Ben looks at me, as if finally he understands there’s no hope.
‘See you around,’ he says, managing a smile before taking Emily firmly by the hand.