Shortly after my counselling session, I find myself running across Primrose Hill, rehearsing what I’m going to say to Ben at the school gates. I can’t just blurt out ‘I LOVE YOU!’ in front of everyone. Maybe I should suggest he comes over with Emily tonight, and when they’re playing I can explain. It’s hard to talk about Matt with Louis around. My pace slows down. What if it’s too late? What if I had my chance and Ben no longer feels the same way? After all, I let him down; I allowed Matt to get in the way of us. What if he believes I could hurt him again? He has every right to say he’s not interested anymore. My pace quickens again. He won’t feel that way. I know how much we mean to one another. I will make this work. He loves me and I love him; that’s all that counts.
Outside the school gates I see the usual mob of mums and Jim. Out of breath, I swig down some water, try to compose myself. Jim looks at me curiously. ‘What’s going on?’
Adrenalin pumping, briefly I tell Jim about Matt, simply saying it didn’t work out and that I’ll tell him in more detail soon, in private.
‘I’m sorry.’ But he looks relieved.
I shake my head. ‘Don’t be. In a way it helped. I’ve been looking over my shoulder too long.’ I keep on scanning the crowd.
‘He’s coming,’ Jim says.
I turn round and see Ben and Nellie walking towards us.
I face Jim again, my pulse still racing. ‘I’ve been so stupid.’
‘No you haven’t. As you said, it was complicated,’ Jim says kindly. ‘But I’ve wanted to bang your heads together for ages.’
Ben is getting closer and closer. He’s wearing his chunky navy jumper with jeans. Tentatively I wave at him, my stomach a tangle of nerves. ‘Good luck.’ Discreetly Jim slips away.
When Ben is standing next to me the first thing I do is bend down to stroke Nellie. ‘How are you?’ I ask, finally looking him in the eye.
‘Good. You?’
‘Great. Yes, very good. How are you?’
‘You’ve just asked me that.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I pull him away from the crowd. ‘Ben, we need to talk.’
‘Right.’
‘It’s about Matthew.’ There’s so much to tell him, I’m unsure where to start.
He stands there, waiting. ‘He hasn’t changed, Ben. He’s been lying to me all this time. I don’t want anything more to do with him.’ Children begin to emerge in the playground, walking towards the gates.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ben says with sincerity. ‘Louis must be upset.’
‘He is, he’s, well he doesn’t understand, but … Are you around tonight?’
‘No,’ he says, distance returning to his voice.
‘Tomorrow? Or the weekend? Maybe we could …’
‘I’m not sure, Polly.’ He waves at Emily.
‘Ben, I’m so sorry, about everything.’ I want to tell him about Aunt Viv and Hugo, about my mother being my aunt, my dad not being my father at all, but most of all … ‘I love you.’
‘You love me?’
‘So much.’ I reach out to touch his hand, but he edges away. ‘I’ve been so stupid, not seeing that the one person in front of me …’
‘Polly, stop!’ he says, raising his voice and causing a few mothers to turn to us and stare. ‘It doesn’t work out with Matthew, so you come running back to me?’
‘I promise you it’s not like that.’
‘I’m not going to be the second prize because the other option didn’t work out.’
‘Ben, please, you mean everything to me.’
‘Hi, Daddy,’ says Emily, bending down to stroke Nellie, who’s jumping up and down against her legs, her tail wagging. Ben and I continue to look at one another.
‘Polly, I’m sorry about Matthew, but …’
‘Can’t we talk tonight? I can come over.’
‘Daddy has a date,’ says Emily, adding that Louis has been naughty today. ‘He had to write his name in the red book.’
Ben takes Emily’s satchel in exchange for Nellie’s lead.
‘I’ll see you around,’ he says, briefly touching my shoulder before walking away.