Day in Prison

YOU MADE A mistake. A big one. Now your family is paying the consequences right along with you. While this chapter offers advice and stories directed at the people who’ve been left behind, inmates should read this, too, so you know what your family is facing. Be grateful they’re sticking with you.

The arrest and initial separation from the family is devastating. The family is often trying to help their loved one make bail or obtain an attorney. They are stunned and simply will not believe their husband, son, daughter, aunt, or grandmother committed the alleged crime for which they were arrested. The court process is very complex for families that have never experienced a loved one getting locked up. So, they call their best friend or someone who has a family member that’s been incarcerated. If their loved one is incarcerated with no money for bail and is the primary breadwinner, everyone is sent scrambling for resources.

I remember sitting in Monmouth County Jail in Freehold, New Jersey, listening to grown men on the phone begging loved ones to contribute money for an attorney. These were the same guys who would hang up the phone dejected, and later brag about how much money they had.

More often than not, families are surprised when their loved one is sentenced. The wealthy will work out a self-surrender date so their family business can be put in order. The poor simply hand the car keys to the bailiff so their spouse can take the car home. Suddenly, she is worried about a lot of things she never really considered before and her questions can be quite overwhelming. What prison are they taking him to? When can I visit? How will I get there? Will I make it through this troubling time with only one income now? How is he going to survive all the horror I’ve seen on television?

Unfortunately for most spouses, the inmate is escorted out of the courtroom and there’s rarely anyone left around to answer those questions.

The early days, right after the initial incarceration, can be over-whelming for not just you, the spouse or partner who has been left behind, but also for your children and extended family. Behavioral issues with the children often take a backseat to financial ramifications, while conflicting emotions of anger, love, fierce loyalty, and sometimes shame need to be sorted out.

Rachel’s story is similar to many I hear from the parents of sons or daughters in prison:

“My twenty-five-year-old son has been in and out of some sort of voluntary mental health facility, juvie, then onto jail, now in prison for the past year or so. He was always a smart, creative kid. According to an IQ test, he’s near genius level. Pretty good, considering he did not spend any length of time in schooling since probably the sixth grade. He grew up in a small town. Everyone knew our family; his dad was a police officer, second in a family of them.

My son recently told me it was when his dad and I split up and his dad moved into an apartment complex where there were many lower-income people that he really fell into the wrong crowd and started down his drug and alcohol road. He was about thirteen when that happened. There are too many stories to tell of all the dumb things he did, none of them violent crimes, most of them stealing, getting caught, then arguing with the police that would take him away.

After a while, however, it doesn’t matter if you try to be good. When you are stuck in the same crowd of people, you fall back into the same patterns. This was Brandon’s path. By the time he was old enough to be sent to real jail, it was almost a relief from the daily drama of what he was doing, leaving me constantly in a state of worry. Did he have enough to eat; where was he living; did he have clean clothes; was today going to be the day I finally [get] that call that he was dead? That he was dead from an overdose or dead from violence related to drugs or something he did, it didn’t matter. Every single day, for the longest time, I woke up in the morning and thought to myself, well, made it through another night without a phone call. The small island jail never worried me when he was there. His dad knew enough people to keep an eye on him.

But then he did something stupid again, this time sentenced to his first real prison time. I then had to worry if he would survive that environment. First off, in appearance, he is a white kid. He would be in prison with mostly Hawaiian “locals.” He was born and raised in Hawaii but punks wouldn’t stop to question him about his past, not when he looked the part of the haole. Second, he had such a hot temper then. He reacted without thinking most of the time. I was worried he would violently react to either an inmate or a guard and cause himself more problems. I was stressed out, day in and day out. It was difficult to think of anything else. I used to worry about him dying in an alley; now I had to worry about him dying behind bars.

At one point during his stint, he decided to get a whole lot of new tattoos, some on his face. I cried when I heard about it, cried harder when I saw it. My handsome son with this tattoo covering the side of his face. Ironically, it was fairly well done, but still, I saw his future plummet. When he got out, that was just going to make it tougher on him. But I finally had to rationalize it with this thought: I did not know what it took to survive that place. Maybe he felt compelled to do it to stay within the protection of a gang. He would not say.

After a time, I could no longer sustain the constant worry. I really did have to adopt the mantra it is what it is, it will be what it will be to get through these times. It doesn’t stop me from worrying, but helps me control my anxiety. He has about fifteen months left of his current sentence. He is currently in Arizona. He has grown up some. I finally see a different person. He gets how crappy of a life he has led so far. He gets that he has an addiction problem, gets he cannot even have one drink because it becomes ten. My new worry is that when he gets out, he won’t have anyone give him a chance at a real life and that will discourage him and he will go back to what he knows—drugs and numbing his pain.

I do what I can for him. What all parents of convicts should do for their babies, no matter where they are. I stay in touch. I encourage my boy to continue his classes, working toward a college degree, and encourage his positive mental changes. And say a prayer that he will be given an opportunity to be the adult I know he can be.”

Another friend who had both of her younger brothers taken away and put in prison echoed Rachel’s sentiments regarding the constant, high-level of anxiety and fear, and the importance of staying in touch with the inmate. She says:

“My one brother was sent to an adult prison at sixteen. That deeply impacted my family; we were always concerned, every day, every minute. He was in with murderers and rapists. It was torture for us. We had no way to protect him.

To the families, make sure you visit your loved ones. It can be tough, but you have to do it. They send black men to institutions far away from their families, so the visits will be sparse because of having to travel a really far distance, but you’ve got to be there for them. After five or six years, you might be burnt out, but it’s important to communicate as frequently as possible.

And you’re not going just to provide support, but because you need to know what is happening to him in there. You need to go as frequently as you can; at least stay in contact. Make sure you know what’s going on behind the walls. If there is unfair treatment happening, you can use your voice from the outside. The prisoners don’t have a voice. If your family member or whoever is in trouble, if his life is in jeopardy, you got to be their voice. Again, that’s not always easy. You have to figure out how to get complaints up the chain. The guards in the visiting center weren’t on our side. They’d prove it every time we went to visit. For instance, we were able to take food to my brother one day a month, but the guards would sometimes do petty things, like handle the food without gloves, stick their fingers down into the slices of pizza, etcetera, doing it to mock us. They just did it because they could, thought it was funny, stupid things like that. They’d treat the visitors, the family members, like they were criminals, too. But you can’t let their bullying deter you from visiting, or from doing whatever you can if your brother is in immediate danger.”

The government claims they try to place the prisoners within five hundred miles of immediate family but that they are under no obligation to do so.

Holidays are especially hard on families missing a loved one. Try to prepare for this ahead of time, in particular by creating distractions for the younger ones so they won’t have time to dwell on the absence at their table. Maybe bring more people together than usual, hosting a feast. Or go the other direction and keep it simple, maybe creating a new tradition that entails going out for Chinese food on Thanksgiving. I do think it needs to be acknowledged early on that you all miss your spouse or child, and you worry about them, but then let it go for the night. Try to celebrate in the moment with what you have.

Some kids are little enough that they don’t really understand what is going on. My own daughter, Monae, was only four years old when I first went behind bars. She remembers being confused and wondering why I didn’t come to pick her up as I usually did, for my weekly visit. However, Monae does remember clearly coming to see me in the prison’s visitation center, which breaks my heart.

Monae says it was awkward, that “there were so many people around, and we only had a certain amount of time. Plus I had to share my time with aunt and any one else who came with us. The room felt like a gymnasium; it was huge, with everybody talking at the same time. I felt safe to a degree, but not really. Like when you first go in, you feel violated with them checking you over closely and using metal detectors. They’re not as strict with the children, but it’s still stressful, and it’s as hard on the kids as it is the adults. I wasn’t comfortable at all. I didn’t grow up with metal detectors and guards or anything like that.

“I definitely would have had a different relationship with my father if he hadn’t gone away for so many years. We’d have had a stronger bond, and I would have had more respect for him when I was younger. When he first came home, he jumped right into the father role. Of course, as a teen, I was like, ‘You’re not my dad.’ I was really rebellious at that point. I wasn’t used to having a male authority figure around. My grandmother had raised me. Now, though, we’re much closer. We have a good relationship.

“If I could offer any advice to children in this situation, it would be to not just write off what your parent has to say, even when they’re talking to you from prison. Try to take advantage of the wisdom he or she has gained, and the advice they can give you. Sometimes that’s hard, I know, since you’re thinking in the back of your mind, Who are you to tell me this when you’re the one who messed up. But you can learn valuable lessons from their experience. I know how I felt, angry and upset with my dad, but you need to understand they are just as angry and upset with themselves for leaving you.”

On any given day, there are an estimated 2.7 million children in America with at least one parent in prison or jail. Roughly 40 percent of inmates are married, while around 70 percent were involved in a long-term relationship when they were shipped off. Listed below are some tips for you, the family members and loved ones. A list of links to government and nonprofit resources can be found at the end of this book.

Prior to self-surrendering, the family will need to collect the inmate’s medical information and make copies for his probation officer so that it’s in his presentence report (PSI). It would be wise to get your loved one in to see the doctor and a dentist one last time, since the waiting list is long in prison, and the dentists tend to pull teeth rather than give fillings. Some medical devices such as hearing aids, eyeglasses, dentures, wheelchairs, braces, orthopedic/prescription shoes, and artificial limbs are authorized to be brought in with you if medically required and approved by the Health Services Administrator. Any medications for recent surgeries or illnesses need to be documented by your physician. The prison will not make a big stink, particularly if it’s in the PSI.

Before your husband, wife, son, or daughter self-surrenders, it is imperative you sit down together and go over important documents. You’ll likely need to have your name legally added to accounts for things like life insurance, bank accounts, car registrations, wills, and monthly bills. Depending on the length of the sentence, you may want to consider becoming the legal executor, or make sure there is someone placed in that role. Remember, the inmate cannot conduct business from behind bars, so someone else will have to manage stocks or the like. It would be helpful for you to have all of his contact information, including his brokers, accountant, lawyers, and business partners.

First, obtain the inmate’s identification number by visiting the Federal Bureau of Prison’s website at www.bop.gov and selecting “Find an Inmate.” Search by first and last name to get the institution name, inmate ID number, the mailing address for the institution, and the rules.

When you address the envelope, make sure you include the full name and inmate ID number above the mailing address (which is not always the same as the physical address). Mail is monitored for any items that pose a risk to the security and order of the institution, and for evidence of criminal activity.

Newspapers and books can only be sent from a publisher or bookstore. Amazon has been extremely resourceful when it comes to an inmate receiving hardcover books, paperbacks, and magazines. The prison mail room staff will reject material deemed a risk to the security and order of the institution, or any material that facilitates criminal activity.

The federal prison system requires inmates to purchase personal hygiene items, clothing, stationery, food, and stamps from a commissary account. No gifts can be mailed in, other than paperback books and magazines. Western Union is the easiest and quickest way to deposit money. You need the name and inmate register number to use the “Quick Collect Form.”

Inmates do not get notification of who deposited the money, so please write a letter with the amount and date of the donation. If a prisoner is making restitution payments, he or she might lose 50 percent or more of the money you deposit toward their regular financial payments.

Note: If your loved one was addicted to drugs, gambling, or other money-squandering habits, those habits will not die easily once in prison. In the Federal Bureau of Prisons, prisoners can spend $300 per month. Special food items are made available during the months of November and December. During those months the commissary spending limit is raised to $370. Monthly spending limits do not include over-the-counter medications, copy cards, or postage stamps.

If you suspect your loved one is abusing the money (i.e., gambling, buying drugs) you have been sending them, ask to see a commissary list so you can get a general idea of how the money is being spent.

You will have to be patient during the first couple of weeks. It takes several days for a newly received prisoner to get an account for outgoing calls. Prisoners can only call phone numbers on a preapproved list. Then it takes at least a week for a new number to be approved.

Phone calls involve long lines and limited times, so prisoners (including you) need to be efficient and plan ahead. Make a list of things you need to cover. Phone calls are limited to fifteen minutes per call, up to three hundred minutes per month. If you talk for a portion of the fifteen-minute limit, the prisoner can’t call again for a designated time. When time is up, you will be cut off with no notice and the prisoner will be unable to call the same number again for a designated time. Don’t panic if you get disconnected.

The prison has strict rules against three-way calls, and using the speakerphone is considered a violation of the three-way rule. Prisoners can only talk person-to-person.

Much like children of deployed soldiers, the children of prisoners have had a parent removed from the house and put in a dangerous environment for a long period of time. They have no control over the matter. Unlike military kids, however, a convict’s children don’t hear about what a hero their mommy or daddy is. Instead, on top of the grief and fear for the adult’s safety, they have to live with shame and sometimes fear for their own safety when they’re bullied or mocked at school or on the streets for a crime their loved one committed. It’s important to stay in tune with your children, making sure they feel secure and loved, and helping them understand that their parent’s mistake is not their burden to bear. Some children get insomnia because it was their father who tucked them into bed at night, while others get very clingy no doubt pondering if mommy might disappear like daddy. Speak with the schoolteachers and counselors; make sure they know the situation and will report to you if something happens or it seems that the child is troubled. If you have access to a therapist, even better. There are a handful of nonprofit resources geared toward helping the children of inmates listed at the end of this book.

The spouse or partner of an inmate now serves as mother, father, and single head of household. Her first course of action is to figure out how in the freaking world she’s going to explain this mess to the children. She considers saying things like, “daddy is in school,” “daddy is at work, far away,” or “daddy went into the army.” I never wanted my children to believe anything other than the fact that I was in prison for making a bad decision. And, unlike some, I refused to glorify prison as if it were a right of passage. That’s insane and a disservice to one’s child, as it opens the door for them to many other behavioral issues.

If there is an emergency, family can call the institution, but be sure to provide the prisoner’s name, inmate number, name of the afflicted family member, name of the hospital or funeral home, and a telephone number. The institution chaplain or unit team or lieutenant’s office will notify the prisoner and give him or her a chance to return the phone call. Whether the inmate is granted furlough will be determined by the time remaining on a sentence, an inmate’s behavior, the conditions at the site the inmate would be visiting, history of escape by the inmate, etc. The deceased must be immediate family, verified by the inmate’s record. An officer or staff member will be present and coordinate with the funeral home director so the inmate is allowed to see the deceased two hours before the funeral, though he will not be allowed to attend the actual service.

Visitors need to be preapproved by the prison and have established a relationship with the inmate prior to incarceration. Request that a prisoner mail you a visiting form if you are interested in getting on the list. On the day of your visit, arrive at least thirty minutes early to get in line to be processed. It’s a shame to waste your visit time in the lobby, so arrive as early as possible and beat the crowd.

Bring $40 in quarters in a clear bag to spend in the visiting room’s vending machines. Lock all other personal belongings in the car except for your ID and car keys. Before you leave home, check the current dress code and visitor regulations for your prisoner’s institution at www.bop.gov. Items such as underwire bras, open-toed shoes, bare shoulders, hooded sweatshirts, etc., may be prohibited by institutional rules.

You will only have two to three hours to visit, so plan ahead. Write down what you need to talk about. Please keep in mind, your loved one is under constant stress, so coming in with your mouth blazing is only going to ignite a fire. If there is a major issue to be resolved, try to remain calm and deal with it as unemotionally as possible. And, if you can, end the visit on a positive note. The inmate needs to be reminded of why he’s working hard to get out, and that he is a human worthy of love and affection. Inmates are usually allowed one hug, and a kiss upon greeting and departing his/her family member.

Release clothing packages can only be received within the last thirty days of confinement. This clothing will be stored in Receiving and Discharge until the day he leaves. It’s important to get your loved one’s waist and neck size prior to purchasing any new clothes, as they most likely have changed physically after a long period of time and will want to look presentable and be comfortable.

If the inmate is released and happens to be a parent, reestablishing disrupted parent-child relationships can be very challenging. Your role as the disciplinarian changes, in addition to no longer being the sole head of household or the primary breadwinner. With the father coming home, relinquishing or sharing the responsibilities can be frustrating if egos cannot be put aside.

The father may have issues finding employment, which can harm his sense of self-worth. If you can be patient and supportive, the transition will be much easier.

Most ex-felons find manual labor or other low-paying jobs upon release. He can get away with that in prison because his meals and housing are free. But now he’ll be eating, using water for showers, gas for transportation, and other things that ultimately affect the family budget, and he knows it—manual labor jobs just aren’t enough. He’ll need to be searching for a higher-paying job at the same time, but it’s hard when you get turned away. Again, encouragement and patience on your part is key.

While in prison, men love to paint a wonderful picture of the future to their women. They have a magical thinking mentality and truly believe the world will bow down and give them handouts upon release. The world simply doesn’t work like that. For instance, if he’s never had a driver’s license, he must obtain one, and that can be a challenge without any other formal identification. If he’s been in prison long enough and had a driver’s license prior to incarceration, it must be renewed. You’re going to be the driver, running all your errands and his, until that can get taken care of.

His parole/supervised release officer will have a right to search the bedroom of the newly released inmate. That can be a pain in the ass for you, particularly if your husband has a female parole officer. Don’t let the situation become catty; she’s just doing her job.

For these reasons, many inmates are temporarily released to someone else in the immediate family (i.e., parents, brothers, or sisters). It can help to ease into the transition slowly.

Life can be overwhelming for ex-inmates when faced with things that seem simple to those of us on the outside, things such as choosing what to eat, what time to go to sleep, learning how the Internet works when it comes time to upload your resume, etc. Let me tell you, employment websites like Monster can be frustrating, particularly if an ex-inmate doesn’t know how to maneuver from link to link, or even type, so this is another way you can help.

You will have to help keep him calm in public situations. When you go into a supermarket like Walmart, or a McDonalds, etc., it may be tough for him to keep his composure when people cut in front of him, bump him, or look at him disrespectfully. Saying, “Excuse me, my fault, my bad” is the custom in prison, but not everyone is so careful with physical boundaries in the outside world. Driving a car and having other drivers honk the horn, cuss, and give the middle finger takes some getting used to. His blood literally boils because when that happens in prison both men know where they stand. That kind of display means let’s get ready to kill one another. These situations only intensify when you or your children are there because of his natural tendency to be a protector.

In prison, he lived in a relatively small world and most likely established an identity inside that was respected. If he had status, like that of an athlete, or of someone knowledgeable in the law, or of a hustler who could make money, it can be frustrating to lose that. The outside world doesn’t know him and the prison identity doesn’t quite mesh with the real world. I guess the best thing to do here is to be willing to listen—really listen—and offer love without becoming smothering. Working with a couples counselor or talking with your minister is always a good idea, but the most important thing is to maintain an open and honest line of communication while being understanding.

Dealing with these tough issues often inflames the desire to fall back into self-destructive patterns. The lure of drugs and alcohol can be overwhelming for some who have a history of abuse. The peer pressure to get back in with a gang can be strong, especially if they are offering respect to those who served time. And of course, falling in with old friends who would love nothing more than to celebrate his homecoming with a line of cocaine, liquor, or marijuana is all too common. You can’t stop him from making these choices, but you can show him that he has a loving home and family that expect him to step up and be there for them, just as you have done for him.

It may be a tough road you’re walking, but hopefully you can learn to walk it together.