I have a severe phobia of rodents and, for whatever reason, everyone always thinks it’s a joke. As if the fear of loathsome mongrels with beady eyes and bald tails who once spread the bubonic plague is merely a punch line.
Once, in the middle of college finals week and in front of an audience, a friend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my apartment and drop his dwarf hamster on me. I panicked, of course, and then, in my sleep-deprived state, proceeded to burst into tears. Big watery drops, blubbering sobs, the whole bit. Mortified, I beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom, but because I was living an episode of Fear Factor, the friend-turned-nemesis proceeded to stuff the hamster under the door, trapping me inside with it. I ended up escaping to the dorm of another friend, who wasn’t home but whose roommate was getting hot and heavy with her companion on the living room couch. What a time to be alive!
This is the kind of tart you drown your sorrows with, and if I knew anything about pies back then, I would have stress-eaten this entire thing while hiding in someone else’s apartment and plotting to burn my own to the ground. With stalwart allies like caramelized onions, creamy potato, and crispy cheese to comfort you, you won’t even need friends. Although good ones do sound nice . . .
1 partially baked Herbed Tart Pastry Shell
POTATO, ONION, AND PORTER CHEDDAR FILLING
1 large yellow onion
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
½ pound Irish Porter Cheddar cheese
½ pound Yukon gold potatoes (about 2 small waxy potatoes), peeled and cut into ⅛-inch slices
1½ teaspoons kosher salt
¾ cup (177 milliliters) heavy cream
1 egg yolk
1. Cut the onion in half through the root, trim the ends, peel, and cut into ¼-inch half-moon slices.
2. Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium-high heat. When it begins to sizzle, add half of the onion. Cook until the onion is translucent, about 2 minutes. Add the remaining onion and sauté until softened, about 15 minutes. Turn the heat down to medium-low and cook, stirring frequently and adding a few tablespoons of water if the pan begins to dry out, until the onion is brown and caramelized, 45 to 60 minutes. Spread the caramelized onion in the tart shell. Set aside.
3. Preheat the oven to 350°F.
4. Cut the cheese into ⅛-inch slices. Using a 1-inch rhombus cutter, punch at least 30 shapes out of the cheese, maximizing the number of rhombuses per cheese slice. Finely chop the remaining scraps of cheese and set aside.
5. Place the tart shell on a rimmed baking sheet. Add a single layer of potato slices over the onions and season with ¾ teaspoon of the salt. Sprinkle the chopped scraps of cheese evenly over the potatoes. Layer the remaining potato slices over the cheese and season with the remaining ¾ teaspoon salt.
6. In a small bowl, whisk together the heavy cream and egg yolk. Carefully pour the cream mixture over the tart, letting the liquid sink into the gaps between the potato slices.
MARBLED TILE DESIGN PROCESS
1-inch rhombus cutter (see step 4 above)
30 Irish Porter Cheddar rhombuses
1. Lay a horizontal row of Cheddar rhombuses ⅛ inch apart across the surface of the tart. Place another row below this, inserting rhombuses in the gaps between the shapes in the first row. Cover the tart surface with Cheddar tiles but ensure that there isn’t any cheese hanging over the edges.
2. Bake the tart on the rimmed baking sheet for 40 to 45 minutes, until a knife inserted in the center indicates the potatoes are tender. Broil on high for 2 minutes to create a crisp, golden cheese crust.
3. Serve hot with a fresh green salad. Cold slices also make a delicious breakfast the next day . . . if you have any leftovers!
SUGGESTED SUBSTITUTIONS
Crust alternative: Everything (but the) Bagel Tart Pastry Shell
Topping alternatives: Any Cheddar will work, although you’ll miss out on the beautiful marbling effect of the Porter Cheddar.
NOTE
I’ll be honest here . . . the precise tiling of this design bakes out (but is replaced by a magical marbling effect!). Perhaps you’ve had a rough day and need the release that comes with the meditative process of cutting cheese (there was bound to be at least one fart-adjacent joke in this book!). In this case, follow the recipe as directed and relish your Instagramable pre-bake shot. If it’s been one of those days and you can’t be bothered with intricate shapes, simple slices of cheese will result in the a crispy, marbled cheese crust all the same. Your call, but you know what I’d choose . . . tart (fart) art.