19.

After Alex and I escaped from the maze, I spent the rest of the afternoon alone sorting out launch details for Liani. There was still no word from Darlene, but I wasn’t too worried. Between Maxxy’s excitement about indi and my induction onto her Instagram page, things were looking good.

I packed up and, teetering in another pair of Sia’s heels, dragged my suitcase to the VIP room in Lavish’s most exclusive bar and restaurant. There was supposed to be an unlimited seafood buffet on offer, but no one could stomach that after last night’s food-poisoning disaster, so Penny had called in a truckload of bread, crackers and gourmet dips.

When I entered the VIP room, the first things I noticed were the low lighting and the even lower mood. Alex, who was sipping from a coconut at the bar, shot me a quick peace sign, but I kept my distance. Penny, still looking sickly, was talking to a journalist; and two girls sat together at another table, not saying much. It was only when I got closer that I realised it was Edwina and Paulina. Their hair was dishevelled and they weren’t wearing make-up — unless you counted the mascara smears beneath their eyes. Neither of them, not even Edwina, was in heels. I was considering swapping into flats when Edwina waved me over.

‘Josie, we need to talk,’ she said. ‘I won’t bite. Promise.’

‘Um … okay.’

I tottered to her table, convinced I was walking into a trap. We need to talk was code for ‘Hold onto your knickers, I’m about to deliver some seriously crappy news’. Edwina knew about the voicemail, she knew about the kiss, she knew everything. I considered falling at her feet to confess my sins, but by the time I’d reached her and Paulina I’d wimped out. Even when she was sick, she was intimidating as hell. I swallowed, scared to hear my fate. What would become of me? Trial by magazine editor? A lifetime in career purgatory?

‘Let’s cut through the BS,’ Edwina said. ‘Josie, I’m … I’m sorry I ranted at you last night.’

‘Let me explain,’ I began, then froze. She was sorry? ‘What?’

‘Don’t push your luck,’ she said. ‘I’ve said it. I overreacted about Alex and I regret it. He’s a splinter that gets under my skin, you know? One minute we were together, the next I was alone and he was dating a fashion student. I was young and dumb. Anyway, boring boring boring. I’ve spoken with Paulie and I now believe there’s nothing going on between you two. That’s the end. Let’s never talk of this again.’

I should have been relieved, but I’d never felt more two-faced. I considered telling her everything, then thought of my own situation, the consequences, my relationship with James. So, I went against my natural instincts and didn’t say a word.

‘Um … thanks?’ I managed instead.

Maybe I wasn’t that far removed from all the backstabbing after all. Maybe I’d been faking it so hard I’d become as bad as everyone else.

‘Fabulous,’ Edwina said, nibbling on a cracker. ‘Well, that’s settled. Now, onto more important things. How’d you go with Maxxy?’

‘She’s keen to do the launch this Saturday. I just need to firm up the details.’

‘Good on you! I knew you could pull it off … prodigy.’ She gave me a small smile. ‘Well, in my world, it looks like Maxxy’s manager has agreed to let her do a cover shoot with Marilyn for an upcoming issue. Isn’t that amazing? That’s our little secret though.’

‘Yeah, of course … You’ve heard from her manager?’ I said, trying not to freak out. ‘Congrats. When’s the shoot?’

‘Probably not for a month or so, plenty of time to plan.’

I picked at a piece of crusty bread, listening to Paulina whine to Edwina that she’d been so ill she hadn’t picked up any of the gorgeous waiters. Eventually, other people hauled their sickly, sorry selves and their suitcases into the dining hall. One girl even carried a bucket in her spare hand.

Penny made a rambling apology to us all. She’d planned on surprising us with an extreme skydiving experience (the mere mention of which made one particularly green-looking beauty editor throw up in the pot plant next to her), but due to the outbreak of illness they were sending us home with a voucher to spend on a fancy meal in the city instead. Penny seemed so desperate to not have this turn into a full-blown disaster that it wouldn’t have surprised me if we’d all received an envelope filled with cash.

For the return trip to the airport, we were herded into a sleek black shuttle bus — I even managed to score a seat to myself. Everyone else was slowly perking up: the beauty bloggers were writing on their laptops, Alex was texting someone — probably one of his many girl ‘friends’ — and a writer with flame-red hair was applying eye shadow for the third time in twenty minutes. I was close to staging an intervention as she looked like she had two black eyes. A handful of women were laughing and talking on the back seat, Edwina’s voice trilling among them.

I put in my earphones, but everything that had gone down at Lavish played louder in my head than the music. I’d been so mad at James for screwing up our weekend away, yet the drama with Alex forced me to realise I was far from perfect too. All I wanted was to forgive and forget — or time travel back to when James and I were making out in the library. With the laws of physics working against me, I settled for the next best option: texting James to let him know I’d be home later tonight: Leaving on a jet plane, let’s talk tomorrow xx. That would buy me twenty-four hours to work out how to handle the whole ‘Alex kissed me, but it didn’t mean anything — no, really, it didn’t’ scenario. I hadn’t kept anything from James before. Would I tell him about this, or wouldn’t I?

Then Edwina tapped me on the shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts.

‘Hey, what’s up?’ I asked, taking out an earphone.

Her face had deepened to a burnt red, but she didn’t say a word, simply slid into the seat next to me, yanked my earphones out of my iPod and jammed them into her phone.

‘Edwina …’

‘Listen,’ she said, as she handed me her phone. ‘Just listen.’

And so I did, hating every second of my snivelling, nasal voice. That damn voicemail.

‘Yeah, she’s full-on,’ I heard myself say in the message.

‘If “full-on” means “total bitch”,’ Alex’s voice chuckled down the line.

I cringed, knowing what was coming next. ‘Yep, definitely one of those.’

It felt like every eye on the bus was staring at us. I looked around and realised they were, and doing a shoddy job of hiding it.

‘Did Alex put you up to this?’ hissed Edwina, her voice low so no one could hear but me. ‘You know, I’ve heard stories about you, rumours about the kinds of things you really got up to at Sash when you thought everyone else’s backs were turned, but I thought, Really? This young girl? This former intern who’s been in the industry for five seconds? No. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t.’

‘They’re liars, and I can explain this,’ I insisted. ‘It’s not as bad as it sounds.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘I know you’re trying to make a fool of me in front of everyone. And the lies you keep telling — have you no self-respect?’

I wanted to stand up for myself, but I felt as though her words had physically winded me, like I’d been punched in the stomach.

‘No one — especially not a bratty little nothing like you — gets away with talking about me like this,’ spat Edwina. ‘You’re done.’

As she returned to the back seat, I heard whispering from Paulina and the others, but I didn’t dare turn around. Instead I curled up in a ball and squeezed my eyes shut, counting down the minutes until I was home in bed.

At the airport back home, I raced out to the taxi rank in the hope of avoiding bumping into Edwina, Paulina or Alex again.

They were nowhere to be seen, but I still hurried into the queue before my luck disappeared. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the numbers, wondering who I could reach out to — Mum had transformed into the voicemail queen and the chances of Kat snubbing me for a reality-show repeat were high.

I passed Liani’s name — also not an option — and stopped on Sia’s. My finger hovered over the call button, trembling. What could I even say to her? Something like, ‘Hey, Sia, so you know how Liani wanted me to make everyone fall in love with me and indi? Well, I did the complete opposite and I’m now enemies with the most feared features editor in the city. Oh, and her ex busted a move on me in a pool.’ Yeah, not ideal. I stuffed my phone into my handbag, defeated.

One air-freshener-doused taxi ride later, I dragged my suitcase to the front door and let myself into the house. I was looking forward to taking myself straight to bed with a peanut butter and honey sandwich, but I heard the unmistakable sound of people talking in the lounge room. With three of us living here, there were always people over. But this time I recognised a familiar voice in the mix.

I peeked my head into the room.

Steph, who was lying on the couch, noticed me first. ‘Josie, you’re back! Get in here, we’re playing cards. Well, two of us are …’

Prue was napping in the armchair, her textbook open on her lap and her nose whistling like Great-Aunt Bertie’s. It took me all of 0.8 seconds to trace the familiar voice to James, who was splayed on our faded blue beanbag.

‘Hey,’ I said, shocked. So much for having twenty-four hours to work out my next move.

‘Josie,’ he stammered, seeming nervous for the first time in … well, ever. ‘Ah, hi. I got your message.’

‘And he brought you flowers,’ said Steph, pointing to a large measuring jug filled with daisies. ‘We don’t have a fancy vase, sorry.’

‘Wow, thank you,’ I said. I’d never been given flowers before, but I couldn’t savour the moment, not with everything swirling in my brain (not to mention Steph’s ridiculous Cheshire-Cat-like grin). ‘Um … wanna talk for a sec?’ I said to James.

‘Yeah,’ he said, so I took his hand and pulled him up.

Steph wolf-whistled as we left the room and I retaliated with a flash of my rude finger. Prue woke with a start at the noise, then got into an argument with Steph about not respecting her quiet time. That was all James and I needed to hurry into my bedroom.

We sat on the bed, leaving a gap between us, as though it was the first time we’d ever been alone together. As though our bodies had forgotten how to be with each other. The space separating us couldn’t have been more than thirty centimetres, but it felt like we were on different continents.

‘So … hey,’ I began.

‘You already said that.’

‘Sorry.’

This conversation was more awkward than the night we’d first met and I’d accused him of being a burglar.

‘I, ah, brought you chocolates,’ he said, ‘but Steph and Prue have already eaten half the box.’

‘Of course they have.’

Hating the awkwardness, I wriggled around and sat with my legs crossed. James shifted into the same position. Our knees grazed yet it felt like we were barely touching.

‘So, I screwed up and I need you to forgive me,’ he began. ‘I miss you.’

I lowered my head. I didn’t want him to see me cry, but an ambitious tear broke through.

James wiped it away. ‘JB … I don’t know what else to say.’ He inched closer and tilted my chin upwards. ‘Let’s book in another weekend to go see your family, yeah? I know I’m not the perfect guy you’re always saying I am, but —’

‘You’re pretty close,’ I mumbled. ‘And I’m not perfect either.’

James pulled me towards him. His eyes had never looked so clear and blue. I could only imagine how red mine were.

‘You’re pretty close,’ he said. ‘Don’t forget that.’

His lips brushed mine, but just as I was about to let myself sink into the kiss, I remembered what I’d done. I had a choice to make. A choice that would affect everything from this moment on.

‘There’s something I need to tell you,’ I said.

He pulled back a little. ‘Yeah? Like you’ve swapped to a new brand of shampoo? Or, like, you’re quitting writing to travel the world?’

‘Um … somewhere in the middle … or maybe somewhere else entirely,’ I said. ‘I don’t know how to put this, so I’m just going to say it … James, I … Okay, let me set some context first, especially after everything you’ve been through before. And can we get under the sheets? I want to get under the sheets.’

‘Alright …’

We clambered beneath the sheets and pulled them up around our bodies.

‘You know when someone shakes your hand, but you didn’t necessarily know it was going to happen until they’ve already reached out, and done it?’ I said.

James chuckled. ‘Not really.’

‘Or, like, if a stranger pats you on the back. It’s one-sided, you know? You didn’t want it, or ask for it, but it happened anyway, even though it didn’t mean anything.’

‘Why would a stranger pat you on the back?’ James asked.

‘Okay … let’s try another angle. Air kisses in the media are —’

‘Jose, say what you’re trying to say.’

‘Someone kissed me.’

‘What?’

Having my secret hanging in the air between us was almost too much to bear. All I wanted to do was pull James’s lips to mine and forget it ever happened. But instead I said, ‘Someone kissed me. On the lips. At Lavish.’

‘Wait … what?’

‘But it didn’t mean anything!’ I rushed on. ‘He’s just a nice guy who kissed me when we were alone in the pool and —’

‘You were alone in a pool with a nice guy?’

I tucked a loose curl behind my ear. ‘That came out wrong. We’re friends who —’

‘Kiss, apparently.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Is this because I stuffed up on Friday? Some kind of payback?’

‘No! I wanted to be honest with you.’

‘I need some air.’ James climbed out of bed and stretched his arms above his head.

‘Great, let’s get some air — and maybe a burger — and talk this out,’ I said.

‘No, I need some air,’ he clarified. ‘I need … a break from this.’

‘A break?’ I whispered, feeling a lump swelling inside my throat. ‘But you said those three words to me. That meant something. You said them the other day!’

‘I know I did. But you didn’t. And then you kissed someone else.’

‘He kissed me,’ I cried.

‘I think we should forget I said anything the other day.’

‘James, please —’

‘I came here feeling sick to my stomach about losing you,’ he said. ‘Little did I know you’ve been having great adventures with some other guy. I need some time. Just don’t call me for a bit, okay?’ He walked out of my bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

‘James!’ I jumped off the bed with the sheet still wrapped around me, shuffled towards the door and threw it open. ‘James! Please, come back! I love you! There, I said it! I love you so much! I don’t need perfect, I just need you!’

But he wasn’t waiting for me in the hallway, ready to declare his love for me. There was only me, cocooned in the sheet with the words ‘I love you’ hanging in the air. It felt like someone’s hand was squeezing my heart over and over again.

I shuffled back into my room, slammed the door and flopped onto the bed, still wrapped in the sheet. Moments later I heard soft knocking at the door.

‘James?’ I said.

The door creaked open and Steph poked her head in. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Prue saw James storm out …’ She sat down next to me on the bed. ‘Did you tell him to bugger off after what happened with your family? That was a dick move on his part, but I thought you two would work it out.’

I shook my head. ‘No. That’s not it.’

‘Did you laugh at his … you know?’

‘His what?’ I asked, then it dawned on me what she was talking about it. ‘No! What’s wrong with you?’

‘Where do I begin?’ She grinned, then quickly covered her mouth. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t smile, but now I know I shouldn’t, I can’t stop. What’s the protocol here? Like, how bad are we talking?’

I pulled the sheet tighter around me. ‘Get-the-ice-cream bad. I’ve stuffed up everything.’

‘I thought he’d mucked you around?’

‘It’s complicated,’ I mumbled. ‘But I don’t want it to be over.’

‘Well, that’s easy then: don’t let it be,’ she said. ‘It’s grand-gesture time. You and I drag-race to the airport to catch him before he flies away forever; or you sprint down the street to his apartment holding a hundred balloons; or serenade him with a guitar — or, if you wanna go super-retro, a boom box — as he watches from his second-storey window. But seriously … what did you do? It can’t be that bad.’

And so I told her everything, from the chlorine kiss with Alex in the pool, to the way Edwina hissed at me on the bus and threatened to take me down, and the fact Darlene still hadn’t contacted me to confirm Maxxy’s appearance at the launch.

Steph didn’t say much, just the occasional ‘Bloody hell, Alex,’ or ‘Okay, that’s pretty bad’. When I was done, she wrapped her arms around me.

‘I should call James right now,’ I said. ‘Although he said not to …’

‘That’s not enough,’ Steph said. ‘You need to do something big, something bold. Do you love this guy?’

I nodded.

‘Well, find a way to make him believe it,’ she said.