24.

Allegra finished off her passionate, eloquent answer to Liani’s question on the different interpretations of the word ‘feminism’, while I sipped from my plastic cup and hoped they didn’t ask for my input. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an opinion; I just knew it was better suited to a politics lesson for preschoolers.

I knew I had only one chance to convince everyone that I deserved my place on the panel. There would be no second chances, not with a crowd as cynical as this. By now, at least two-thirds of the guests had their mobiles ready to capture anything great … or terrible. I’d already gone viral once after stacking it during a high-school presentation night, and ‘Josie Browning, two-time YouTube sensation’ wasn’t a claim to fame I was striving for.

I had another sip of water, then wiped my brow. Even Maxxy had a glow on under the lights after answering Liani’s questions about the effects of fame, life as a musician, and whether celebrities made good role models, although she somehow managed to look ethereal and gorgeous, rather than strained and steamy like me.

And then I heard my name, loud and clear through the microphone. ‘We’re thrilled to have indi’s youth representative, Josie Browning, here to speak,’ said Liani, gesturing to me.

I heard a slight tremor of fear in her voice. She wasn’t alone. The words ‘sex’, ‘virginity’ and ‘faking it’ circled on repeat in my brain as I wondered which angle Liani would go for.

‘Josie’s had a busy week,’ Liani continued. ‘However, she’s still found time to tap into the external and internal pressures that so many young women are facing. Her column on feeling like a fake has resonated with our growing indi community in a big way.’

Awesome. I was off the hook. But Liani hadn’t finished.

‘Turns out, we all feel like fakes from time to time, but nobody talks about it — until now! And that’s our aim with indi: to encourage girls to have real conversations. If we can give them a platform to do so, even better. So, in the spirit of sharing, let’s hear from the girl who touched a nerve this week. Over to you, Josie.’

I thanked Liani and leaned closer to the microphone, suddenly paralysed by the thought of the rehearsal when the only word I’d managed to blurt out was ‘sex’.

‘Well, hi again. I guess I’d start by saying … by saying …’

I looked at Liani, whose lips were locked into a nervous grin. Allegra and Corrine were also smiling, urging me with wide eyes to continue. Pull it together, I told myself. But still the words wouldn’t come. I’m not sure how long I was silent for. It could have been five milliseconds or five minutes, but it felt like five hours.

‘This is the worst, get her off!’ someone jeered, which set off a round of laughter.

I felt Maxxy squeeze my left hand under the panel table. Before I had a chance to acknowledge her by squeezing back, she’d picked up her microphone, setting off a round of applause.

‘What Josie’s trying to say is … this isn’t an easy topic to talk about,’ Maxxy began, waving her hand to quieten the crowd. ‘But it’s a worthwhile one … so let’s hear her out. I don’t see any of you leaping up here to expose yourselves to a judgemental crowd, so quit the heckling.’

The crowd fell silent.

‘Thank you,’ she said, and smiled. ‘Now, Josie, I’m with you on the issue of faking it. Throughout my life I’ve gone through phases of trying to give people what I thought they wanted from me, rather than what I wanted from myself … and that never leads to happiness. Is that something you can relate to?’

I nodded and raised my microphone to my lips. ‘Yes,’ I said, my voice shaky but loud. ‘Yes, I can. We’re always trying to compete with each other, to one-up each other, and … it’s exhausting.’

‘Can you explain that a little more?’ Liani asked.

‘Sure, um, the goalposts keep changing … nothing’s ever enough because we’re all trying to fake these perfect lives to … I don’t know … impress each other? Feel better about ourselves? And the weirdest part is, no one asks, “Why am I doing this? Why am I trying so hard to be someone I’m not?”’

‘Yep, that’s exactly the message I was trying to get out with my song “Square Peg”,’ Maxxy said.

‘The lyrics in that sum it up perfectly,’ I went on. ‘No one ever says “I’m content and happy with who I am”. Instead, we keep trying too hard, aiming to impress, and all with big phoney smiles on our faces. Well … I’m sick of it, so yesterday I wrote an article and said I was tired of faking it.’

‘I loved that article,’ Allegra said. ‘I really did.’

‘Me too.’ Corrine nodded. ‘It hit the nail on the head.’

‘I’m just … I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not,’ I said, relieved I wasn’t alone. ‘Tired of comparing myself with everyone else and never feeling enough. Faking it is fine with the little things … You’re nervous before a speech? You fake a little confidence to survive. Trust me, I’m doing it now. But when it comes to the real stuff — the big stuff — I’m over faking it. Somebody once told me that being yourself can be harder than being someone else, but it’s important to at least try. I don’t want to pretend I’m happy when I’m sad, or that I’m too cool for everything in a lame attempt to fit in with people who are probably striving to be cool themselves. I don’t want to pretend that I have my life sorted when I’m only eighteen, or that I know the first thing about designer brands when I have no money to go shopping, or that I’m a sex kitten when I’m really a virgin, or that I don’t care about my gorgeous boyfriend when I’m really in love with him!’

The crowd gave a collective laugh, and I looked at Liani with wide, panicked eyes. Crap on a cravat. Did I just say all that? Judging by the cameras clicking and red lights flashing, yes, I did. Liani nodded at me, urging me to keep going.

‘Well … that wasn’t meant to come out,’ I said, hoping my face wasn’t as beetroot red as it felt. ‘But my virginity’s out there now … I may as well lay it all on the line. My love for my boyfriend — who may not even want to be my boyfriend after I stuffed up royally this week, but god, I hope he does — is out there. The real me — the one inside this expensive dress, blow-dried hair and layers of thick, itchy make-up — is out there. You know, it took three people to help me look like this: a stylist, hairdresser and make-up artist. If it had been up to me, I’d have come in Cons and a hand-me-down dress.’

Someone in the crowd whistled, and instead of jeering this time I heard a shout of ‘You’re awesome!’

‘You are!’ I replied, and everyone laughed. ‘Tonight, I’d love for you all to imagine a world where you don’t have to fake it. Where you can stay true to yourself. Where you can say what you think without worrying about being judged. Where you can just … be. Call me naive, but that’s a world I want to live in.’

‘Hear, hear!’ Maxxy cheered, and the crowd joined in.

‘My name is Josie Browning, I’m eighteen years old and I’m a fake … but I don’t want to be any more,’ I said into the microphone, my voice finally firm and clear. ‘Um … thanks everyone for your time. Any questions?’

The room fell quiet.

‘Yeah! You wanna go on a date?’ a guy slurred from the back. ‘Maybe I could help you out with your little predicament.’

‘I’d rather eat my own hair,’ I said, as people booed him.

‘Security, get him out of here,’ Liani called out, before thanking me for talking, then directing everyone to read more from me on indi’s website.

The sound of cheers, rather than catcalls or unkind laughter, was so uplifting I felt it could sweep me off my feet and twirl me around in the air.

‘Thank you,’ I whispered to Maxxy. ‘You’re a lifesaver.’

‘That was all you,’ she whispered back.

And, in a way, she was right. Once I got going, it was all me. I was exposed. I may as well have dragged out my family photo album and showed everyone the nudie-rudie shots of me playing with our neighbour’s kelpie in the bath. Yet I couldn’t have been happier. I was feeling a smidge of what it was like to be the person I’d always wanted to be: honest, confident, strong (mentally, not physically — I still had twigs for arms). Call me lame, call me a nerd, but I was proud of myself. And, by the looks of Liani, Kat and Filly clapping along, those closest to me felt the same way.

It was then, towards the back of the crowd, framed in the doorway, I saw James waving at me. I wanted to fling myself into the cheering guests and crowd-surf my way straight to him. Was he really here? Or was I so high on public-speaking success that I’d imagined him standing there?

I didn’t have time to find out. Still waving to her adoring fans, Maxxy took my hand and led me down the steps off the stage, to where Kat and Harrison waited.

‘That was brilliant,’ Harrison said, kissing me on each cheek, then doing the same to Maxxy. ‘Totally TMI, but everyone lapped it up! Oh, doll, I was a bitch. Do you forgive me?’

I smirked. ‘I’m sure we can work something out. Guys, can we try to keep the whole public confession of my love for James and the V-plates thing under wraps? Like, maybe we don’t tell Mum or —’

‘I live-streamed the event on our website,’ Harrison said. ‘You’re global, pipsqueak.’

‘And I texted Mum the link two minutes ago,’ Kat said. ‘Sorry … Not sorry!’

‘You didn’t!’

‘She did!’ Harrison cheered. ‘You might catch Oprah’s attention, or Ellen’s! Now, who is that hunk of man meat by the candy bar? How do I look? Oh, forget it, I know I look great. I’ll catch you bambinos later.’ He strutted off in the direction of the bar.

My eyes raced around the room, searching for James. Where was he?

‘Don’t stress!’ Kat said, wrapping her arm around me. ‘You looked hot and that speech was cool.’

‘You’re telling me I’ve reached the impossibly high standards of one Katherine Browning?’ I said, eyebrow raised. ‘I’ve achieved the elusive “hot and cool” status?’

‘Yep. Until you find a way to screw it up.’

I laughed. ‘Fair enough. Anyway, give me a sec — I think I saw —’

‘How much of a blast was that panel?’ Maxxy said, and I realised I couldn’t exactly run off from the famous pop star who’d done me a massive favour. ‘I feel like we need to debrief or something! Your boss was asking me some tough questions, but it was so good! So good! I don’t think even Darlene could disagree with that. And Allegra and Corrine! Wow. Superwomen. I officially love indi and I’m not afraid who knows it!’

‘You do? Maybe you could work with us?’ I suggested, half-joking, half-serious. ‘Oh, but you do have that whole super-famous-music-career thing to deal with, right?’

‘Yeah, that old thing …’ she smirked.

‘Maybe you could be indi’s ambassador,’ Kat piped up.

I looked at her, impressed.

‘What do you mean, ambassador?’ Maxxy asked.

‘You know, you could contribute when you feel like it, and give them all kinds of loving in the press and vice versa … Just an idea, it’s probably stupid,’ Kat finished.

‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘What do you think, Maxxy?’

Her eyes scanned the room, taking in the happy guests and the big indi sign hanging above the stage. ‘I’m in. Let’s keep it fluid for now and work out the details later. Darlene can deal with it.’

‘Okay!’ I said. ‘Oh, and about payment … would you like me to transfer Darlene some money?’

Maxxy grinned. ‘Well, Marilyn covered everything for my stay in the city tonight anyway, so consider yourself off the hook. Maybe just remember this little conversation when my next single drops. I am your ambassador after all.’

‘You bet.’ I exhaled, relieved I’d be able to afford groceries and accommodation for the next few years.

‘Josie!’ Liani swooped in and pecked me on the cheek. ‘Congratulations! That panel was beyond sensational, and ohhhhh … I could sleep for a week.’

‘You did it,’ I said. ‘We’re officially launched. It’s done. And I’m so, so sorry about the whole virginity thing — it just slipped out.’

‘Mya’s losing her mind from Dubai over the live-streaming, Lavish want to stay on as an advertiser and we’re already receiving new enquiries from other brands — we’re a hit! Don’t give it another thought,’ Liani said.

I was thrilled by the response, but not giving it another thought was easier said than done; Liani hadn’t just revealed her virginity to the world via the internet.

‘Oh, by the way, say hello to indi’s new celebrity ambassador,’ I announced, drawing Maxxy a step closer to Liani. ‘It was Kat’s idea. Sorry, I know I technically can’t hire anyone because in the hierarchy I’m about as important as an ant, but —’

‘Amazing! Maxxy, welcome aboard,’ said Liani, giving her a hug. ‘It’s lovely to meet you by the way — I’m a huge fan. And Kat, are you a little media mogul in the making? You Browning girls sure know how to keep me guessing. Now, if you’re half as exhausted as me, you should all head off. Things will be wrapping up here soon.’

‘We’ll stay, help you pack up,’ I offered, as Kat tried to stifle a yawn.

‘Already on it,’ Liani said. ‘The pros will take care of everything. Go on, it’s been a huge day.’

I smiled. ‘Well … congratulations again. I’ll see you bright and early on Monday?’

Liani hesitated, then said, ‘No … I don’t think so.’

My heart sank. Maybe the last-minute save with Maxxy hadn’t been enough to earn back her trust.

‘Let’s make it Monday lunchtime,’ she went on. ‘I’m giving us all a mini long weekend. The pace is only going to pick up from now, so I need you at your best. Although I might double our catch-ups, and talk to Mya about getting some freelance help to make sure nothing slips through the cracks again, eh? What do you say?’

I blushed. ‘Of course. Never again. Never ever, ever, ever —’

‘I think she gets the point,’ Maxxy whispered, as Kat gestured for me to shut up.

‘Wow, this is so … so … thanks,’ I finished.

She grinned. ‘Try not to send me grey before I’m forty.’

Then I remembered. ‘Hey … any word from Sia?’

‘We’ll hear,’ she said, her voice softening, and I wondered if she knew more than she was letting on. ‘Goodnight, girls — get out of here.’ She hurried off to continue schmoozing with the VIP guests.

‘I better go too,’ Maxxy said. ‘Darlene only agreed to bring me here if we popped into her niece’s bat mitzvah on the way back to the hotel. I think they’ll be a tougher crowd than the media you had here! Hey, pass me your phone.’ I watched as she added a number to my contacts list. ‘That’s my direct line. Apparently I’m the ambassador of the coolest website in the country, so we’ll probably have some stuff to discuss soon.’

I could have kissed her. No more of Darlene’s voicemail giving me the cold shoulder.

‘Yeah, okay. See ya!’ I said, waving goodbye and trying not to laugh at Kat’s face, which had morphed into a picture of jealousy at seeing her sister being given the phone number of one of the hottest singers in the country.

I scanned the room, but couldn’t see James anywhere. People were packed in like sardines, so maybe he’d got caught in the crowd. Or maybe he really was just a figment of my imagination.

‘Let’s get out of here,’ I said to Kat. ‘I need to check something on the way out and —’

‘Hello, prodigy,’ said Edwina, queen bee, protégé of Rae Swanson and my sworn enemy. She had appeared so fast it was as though she’d emerged from thin air.

‘You scared me,’ I gasped, almost splashing my drink. ‘Seriously … what are you doing here?’

Edwina pursed her lips. ‘I was invited, remember?’

‘I do, but I also remember you RSVPing no because of a certain cover shoot with a certain pop star that was mysteriously brought forward for a certain reason. I also remember you overreacting about the voicemail message — which I’m really sorry for, by the way — and threatening to spread a certain rumour about me.’

‘Well, don’t you just remember everything,’ she said.

‘I get that you’re in the middle of Operation Destroy Josie Browning, but I don’t have time right now,’ I said, lowering my voice. Kat’s eyebrows shot up with interest. ‘There’s someone important here who I want to speak to, so —’

‘Josie … I … I do need to speak to you … alone.’

I’d never heard Edwina stumble over her words before. ‘If you have something to say, just say it … here’s fine,’ I replied in my toughest voice (bolstered by Kat unknowingly playing bodyguard next to me).

‘Fine, I’ll get to the point — Marilyn still needs a new writer.’

I stayed silent. Unfortunately my bodyguard had missed the memo on how to make your frenemy squirm.

‘Marilyn? Marilyn magazine?’ Kat said. ‘She’ll take it!’

‘Kat, no!’ I hissed, before facing Edwina again. ‘What are you trying to say?’

‘We need a new writer. Rae wants someone with creativity, someone raw, someone with an edge — and after reading your last few columns and hearing you speak tonight, she thinks that someone is … you.’ Her face was so scrunched up with displeasure, it looked as though she’d bitten into a lemon.

‘Rae’s here? She wants to hire me?’ I asked, not sure that I’d heard properly. ‘But she fired me … And she practically laughed in my face when I wound up at that job interview! And “hate” doesn’t even begin to describe how you feel about me! How much physical pain are you in right now having to ask me this?’

‘Look, Josie —’

‘You sent that email to my boss to try to humiliate me, to bring me down, and now you’re here doing Rae’s dirty work. Unless … unless this is some kind of prank? I know you couldn’t stand the idea of me working with you, with Rae, so what’s the plan? Hope I say yes, then take delight in the fact that there’s really no job and I’m a big loser?’

She sniffed. ‘You said it, not me. I didn’t come here to fight about what happened between us … or with Alex … But I’m not going to grovel, not for you, not for anyone. I’m offering you a job, and yes, the pain is palpable.’ She folded her arms. ‘Rae’s decided you’re perfect for her team. What do you say?’

I followed Edwina’s glance over to where Rae stood in the centre of a group of women, dressed in top-to-toe black. Her lipstick was a dark blood-red and her bob looked sleeker than ever. She caught my eye and gave a curt nod, which sent my heart racing and instantly took me back to my days as an intern under her terrifying reign at Sash. I tilted my head to nod back, but my neck stiffened and my head barely budged. Rae always had that kind of effect, leaving me tongue-tied or rambling, tripping or rushing, blubbering or hysterically laughing. I couldn’t be myself around her or Edwina. Instead, I was always trying and failing, reaching and falling. That was no way to live; no way to work. Especially when I already had a boss like Liani.

‘Well, do you want the job or not?’ Edwina pressed.

All I’d wanted was for the Raes and Edwinas of the glossy magazine world to accept me. I’d seen them as goddesses to idolise, to worship. I’d aspired to be just like them one day. But now, receiving Rae’s approval after months of her looking down her perfect, powdered nose at me rubbed me the wrong way. I was the same person I’d always been: the girl who needed to borrow designer clothes and have someone help her with make-up; the girl who loved working with down-to-earth people — people who valued the same things she did. That wasn’t Rae. And it certainly wasn’t Edwina.

‘Josie?’ Edwina said. ‘This should be easy to answer.’

‘Yeah, you’re right, it is. Thanks, but I don’t want the job.’

The words hung in the air like a putrid smell. Edwina looked confused, like nobody had ever said no to her before. They probably hadn’t.

‘Excuse me?’ she spat. ‘This is Marilyn magazine. Girls everywhere would give up everything for the slightest chance to do this job, to work with Rae. Hell, to work with me! And I’m offering it to you on a platter! Rae wants you, Josie, and she always gets what she wants.’

‘Not this time,’ I replied. ‘Sorry.’

‘Jose, think about it,’ Kat whispered. ‘This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.’

‘I don’t want to give up everything for a job — especially a job that involves working for someone like you,’ I told Edwina, my heart pounding.

‘You spoiled, ungrateful little … You are done! If you so much as breathe in my direction the next time we’re at an event together, so help me —’

‘Instead of plotting my demise, I’d suggest you spend your time working out how to tell Rae you’ve let her down,’ I interrupted. ‘A little birdie told me she always gets what she wants. I can’t imagine how she’s going to react when she doesn’t. That on top of a crappy Maxxy cover … ouch. Enjoy the rest of your night, Edwina. Oh, and try the canapés — the mini hot dogs are delicious.’

I walked off with flushed cheeks, leaving a stunned Edwina behind me.

Kat rushed to join me at the candy bar, where I scooped handfuls of lollies from the apothecary jars and stuffed them into my mouth. ‘Let’s go before I faint or change my mind,’ I said.