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From the slut’s point of view, the world is sometimes a dangerous place. Lots of people seem to think it is okay to go to any lengths to stop us from being sexual.
Some antisex crusaders try to make loving dangerous for women by outlawing
birth control and
abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley abortions. Others would outlaw access to sex information, in schools or on the Internet, so that our children cannot learn to care for their health and well-being and have no access to safer-sex training that would teach them how to avoid spreading diseases. In an appalling development since the previous edition of this book, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against cancer somehow encourages her to have sex. People who take medications that can protect them from contracting the
HIV virus are called “sluts” and “whores” (presumably not the good kind).
Some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence, that it must somehow be the victim’s fault. They might demand, “Why were you walking down that street at night in a short dress or tight pants?” or proclaim, “No wonder you got raped or assaulted” or “You look so queer—no wonder that gang decided to beat you up.”
We are considered fair game for other forms of oppression, too. Multiple sexual partners can be
seen as a good reason to take all your property, your children, and your future income in a punitive
divorce settlement. You could lose your job or your promise for advancement or your professional reputation if the wrong people find out about your personal life.
“Some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence.”
Judging Ourselves
We hope this examination of the dangers of sluttery will lead you to ask yourself some questions. What is my experience of oppression and how does it affect me? Who do I have to lie to in my life? What are my closets? As you look deeper, you might ask yourself, “What assumptions have I made about how my sexuality should be? Do I hold
judgments about what ‘good’ and ‘nice’ people do that I wind up turning against myself?”
When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that their sexual choice is a neurosis, or when we all believe we would be better people if we were able to be monogamous, this is internalized oppression. When we apply these unfair judgments to other people who are like us, when we see our friends as too
slutty or too
free, this is called
horizontal hostility. We suggest you look through chapter 2, “Myths and Realities,” as a checklist to see where the beliefs that you learned in our sex-negative culture might be getting in your way.
It’s a Harsh World Out There
Those of us who choose to run our lives and loves in an unconventional manner should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms. For many people, sluthood is their first experience with being in the closet, and they learn firsthand what their queer friends have known for quite a while.
While there are certainly ways to protect yourself against some social, logistical, and financial consequences, we can’t guarantee that there will never be
consequences. It’s not easy being easy.
Ex-spouses, parents, in-laws, and others who don’t share your values about the potential for inclusive relationships may be hostile. Your friendly neighborhood pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both your partners to the company picnic is not necessarily a good
way to ensure your continued ascent through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend caution in choosing who to come out to: yes, we know you’re blissfully happy and want to share your joy with the world, but remember, you can’t un-tell. We know people who have lost jobs, child custody, and more because the wrong people have become aware of their sexual choices. In some places outside the United States, the consequences of unconventional sexual choices are far more dire, up to and including the death penalty.
But even here, some states and cities have laws that forbid multiple adults to live together if they’re not related by blood or marriage. In others, landlords are reluctant to rent to groups that don’t conform to the traditional family structure. Some leases contain clauses that allow landlords to terminate rental agreements on the basis of “immoral behavior” or “association with undesirable people”—which in some states includes nonmarital sex.
Similarly, your personal love and sex arrangements are best kept out of the
workplace: both of us have lost jobs and clients for being who we are. While some cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian, or transgender, we are not aware of any that guarantee equal rights for sluts.
We urge those who can be out and proud to do so because it’s harder for the world to hate sluts when it can see lots of us living happy lives that do no harm to anyone. However, unless you are absolutely certain that your workplace and important relationships are slut-positive, we recommend caution.
Legal Agreements
With thanks to Dylan Miles, Esq., for consulting on
legal aspects, and for being available to our communities as a knowledgeable and open-minded family lawyer.
Much progress has been made in recent years in establishing and affirming the legal rights of sexual minorities, including the Supreme Court’s historic decision to legalize same-sex marriage throughout all the states. Several states have made provisions for children who are growing up with more than two parents, which protects many youngsters
from foster care when a person who has functioned as a parent to a child can assume custody if needed; it also allows nonbiological parents to sign up for all the rights and responsibilities of parenting. When any of our allies in thinking outside the box wins any battle in human rights, we all benefit.
You still can’t legally marry more than one person at the same time. If you and your partner(s) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the expectation of sharing property, providing for one another in the event of illness or death, raising children, or running a business together, we strongly recommend official legal documentation of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of lover kept from lover when one of them is hospitalized, a longtime partner left penniless and homeless after someone’s unexpected death, individuals who have been parents in all ways but blood losing an orphaned child to a partner’s parents or ex-spouse, and so on, should be enough to convince you that it’s time to get official about all this.
You do not legally own your children, and the
legal agreements you can make about them are limited by that fact. You can use your will to express your desires about who will care for your children after your death, but the court may not be obliged to follow your wishes. In some cases, a nonbiological parent can
adopt a lover’s children as a stepparent. Some states and municipalities are not supportive of second-parent or stepparent adoption, meaning if you are a child’s third parent at that child’s birth, you have fewer rights than any parent from a second, third, or fifteenth marriage.
We encourage you to write out your plans and your agreements, especially your lifestyle choices, and have your signatures notarized. Such affidavits may not be enforceable in most states, but in the event of later disagreements, they may serve as evidence of everyone’s intentions on forming a family or a relationship, and they make it clear what you have signed up to do. Writing out your vision of the family you are building together is a valuable and affirming act in its own right.
Don’t forget to make and keep current your durable powers of attorney for finances and health care and your
wills. These are legal documents, and while the law will not support everything an eager slut might want to do with their money and property, your chances of having your desires upheld by the law will be greatly improved if you express them in a formal and legal manner.
We recommend checking out a publishing company called Nolo Press, which puts out carefully researched do-it-yourself legal books on aspects of family and business law, including sample forms and step-by-step instructions. However, if your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of substantial value (such as a lot of money or a successful business) are involved, you may want to go beyond the do-it-yourself level and contact an attorney. If you have that kind of money, you probably know more about this than we do. Do try to find an attorney who is open to nontraditional relationships; you can ask that in a question or two over the telephone, so you don’t have to pay good money to find out that your lawyer thinks you’re the Whore of Babylon.
We have neither the space nor the expertise to tell you all the ways that people with nontraditional sexualities can go about setting up their lives—options range all the way from adopting your partner to setting up a business trust and beyond. But please, don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general wonderfulness will protect you. Sluts don’t have that luxury. Do your homework and get the law on your side.
“Don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general wonderfulness will protect you.”
The Oldest Profession
What would the world be like if
sex work were legal? If sex work were out in the open, and sex workers could be judged like any other workers—by their skill, their respect for their clients, and how well they manage their responsibilities?
Imagine if sex work were treated as a profession like therapy: a client making a contract with a provider. If the customer liked the work they received, they’d keep coming back; if not, they’d move on and try someone else. Brothels could be like clinics, new sex workers could learn from more experienced practitioners, lower-fee services could be provided by interns being supervised and taught by more experienced practitioners.
If sex work were legal, a worker being exploited by a pimp or trafficker could leave, report abuses and file charges, even unionize—just like any other worker. If we stopped clogging our legal system with consenting adults engaging in professional sex, perhaps our police would have more
time and resources to end legitimate sexual crimes like rape, abuse, sex slavery, and child prostitution.
If sex work were legal, sex workers would be free to require whatever levels of safer sex seem appropriate to them—sex workers are often world-class experts at ways to spend hours in sublime pleasure and still refrain from passing around harmful viruses—and to seek out testing and treatment to avoid passing on any bugs.
Legal sex work would enable partnerships, too often driven apart by the pressure of a long-term relationship where passion has ebbed, to rekindle sexual heat by seeking the services of a skilled heat-kindler. Therapists could refer clients to such practitioners for embodied explorations of their deepest dreams and oldest fears, just as they might to any other professional. Dossie has worked with clients whose spouses bought them a session with a professional dominatrix for their birthday.
Many sex professionals have worked hard to acquire skills that most of us don’t even know are possible: freedom of choice about our physical responses, timing of orgasms, ease of erection, G-spot fountains, the amazing possibilities of all the muscles in the pelvic area to bring pleasure in so many ways. Sexual healers could help free us from the terrors and inhibitions learned in a sex-negative society and show us what amazing sexual geniuses we all might be. Healing shame, healing trauma, the amazingness of sex beyond violation, the power of our fantasies…so much is there for us to learn and grow. Sex can be a powerful journey into healing and general goodness, and there are professionals who can teach us how.
Some people believe that sex for money is dirty. Our sex-worker friends prove otherwise, over and over again. We pay our ministers, priests, rabbis, imams, and gurus, so why should we not pay our sex priests? Our spiritual and sexual healers and guides deserve to make a living for the valuable work they do.
Right now, some kinds of sex-for-hire are legal in the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Germany, Australia, and New Zealand. We note that all these countries seem to be managing just fine with letting talented and devoted professionals make their living doing what they do best, for the betterment of their clients and the greater society.