9

SLUT SKILLS

Great sluts are made, not born. The skills you need to keep you and your partners happy and growing get developed through a combination of conscious effort and frequent practice. There are skills you can learn that will help start your adventure on the right foot and keep it on track.

Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea—when you are journeying without a map, having a clear picture of your internal landscape becomes essential. Ask yourself: What do you expect from this way of living your life? What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers, and partners. The people we interviewed said things like this:

• “I get relief from pressure—I don’t have to fulfill every single thing my partner needs or wants, which means I don’t have to try to be somebody I’m not.”

• “People have different ways of knowing and understanding things, so intimacy with various people expands my appreciation of the universe.”

• “I can have hot erotic experiences without genital sex and without compromising my emotional monogamy.”

• “My lifestyle gives me personal freedom, independence, and responsibility in a way that being in an exclusive couple does not.”

• “I don’t believe that humans are designed to be monogamous. Monogamy goes against my instincts.”

• “I never feel that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence—I’ve been there.”

• “Outside partners are an infusion of sexual juice into my primary relationship.”

As you read this book and hear some stories about successful sluts, you may discover special benefits for you. What are your reasons for choosing this path?

Alas, many people begin to explore open relationships because their partner is pushing them into it or because all their friends are doing it and they don’t want to seem prudish. We ask that you get clear within yourself that you’re doing this for you— because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and growth and fun, because you want to. Make no mistake, this can be a rocky road. If you’re navigating it for the wrong reasons, resentment can easily poison the very relationships you set out to improve.

Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex and love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick. Because we don’t believe the urge toward monogamy is innate, we think you must have learned your feelings and beliefs somewhere— from your parents, from your past lovers, from your culture. What you have learned, you can obviously unlearn, and you can learn something new. Exploring your feelings and changing your reactions to them can be difficult—but what a feeling of power and triumph each time you succeed!

“Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex and love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick.”

Tools for Successful Sluttery

The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills that helps them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of unnecessary pain. Here are some of the skills we think are important.

COMMUNICATION

Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, is critical. A technique for good listening is to listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting and let them know you heard them by telling them what you think they just said. Use this clarification technique before you respond with your own thoughts and feelings. In this way, you make sure you have clear understanding before you go on with your discussion. Similarly, if you’re the one talking, it’s not fair to expect your partner to read your mind—take the time and effort to be as clear and thorough in your explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions you’re feeling as well as the facts involved.

If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult education facilities offer excellent communication classes for couples, and you can do an Internet search on “communications skills couples” with the name of your area to find something near you.

EMOTIONAL HONESTY

Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial. One of Janet’s partners used to request, when Janet was off to a joyously anticipated date with one of her other lovers, “Just tell me I don’t have anything to worry about.” Janet reports that it felt very good to know that he was willing to ask for reassurance when he needed it and that he trusted her to tell the truth about her feelings. If you imagine his feelings if he felt insecure and didn’t ask for reassurance, you can see why it’s so important to get your needs met up front.

We have all been afraid to ask, we have all failed to ask, we have all been irked with our lovers when they didn’t read our minds and offer us the reassurance we crave, and we have all thought, “I shouldn’t have to ask.” Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings. Let’s pat ourselves on the back when we do the things that scare us, and then let’s do them some more.

“Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings.”

AFFECTION

Similarly, it’s vital to be able to give reassurance and support, both in response to a request and on your own. If you can’t tell your partners that you love them or give them a heartfelt compliment or tell them what you think is so wonderful about them, it may be optimistic to assume that they’ll be able to remain secure enough to accommodate your other relationships.

Put some thought into how you can let your partners know how important they are to you. We recommend lots of hugging, touching, verbal affection, sincere flattery, little “love ya” gifts, and whatever else helps everyone feel secure and connected.

FAITHFULNESS

If you have one or more primary relationships, take a look at what you can do to reinforce their primacy. Many people in long-term relationships have certain activities that they keep only for their life partners—particular sexual behaviors, sleepovers, terms of affection, or whatever. Look at your public behavior—are you comfortable introducing your partner to the cute number you are flirting with at a wild party? We figure any cutie who would be put off by meeting our spouses will likely make trouble in the future, so it’s better if we find out now. Make agreements with your partners before the party, and then you need never wonder whether you are welcome to join a group or a conversation that your beloved is enjoying.

Pay attention, also, to how you acknowledge your nonprimary relationships. How will a partner you may never live with feel loved and secure? What rights does this partner have to your time and attention? How can you offer affection and reassurance to everyone who is important to you? Make it a point to let everyone you love know it. Make agreements with your life partner or partners about what you will do when an outside partner needs support or has a crisis like an accident or illness. Who makes the chicken soup? Maybe it’s you.

LIMIT SETTING

To be a happy slut, you need to know how—and when—to say no. Having a clear sense of your own limits, and respecting those limits, can keep you feeling good about yourself and help prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be about sexual behaviors: Would you have sex with a gender other than the one you usually do? Would you try a kind of sex you think is kinky? Limits about safer sex and birth control are obviously required: some things you definitely do not want to bring home with you. Limits might be about relationship styles, such as frequency of contact or intensity of connection. We also encourage you to think about ethical dilemmas and how you’d react to them. Would you, for example, be a lover to a coupled individual whose partner didn’t know about your involvement? Would you lie to a lover, fake an orgasm?

And then there’s the very, very important limit of, “I don’t want to,” even if it’s your anniversary, even if you’re supposed to want to, even if you haven’t for a long time. No excuses are needed.

When you respect your own limits, others will learn to respect them, too. People tend to live up to your standards when you are not afraid to set them. Only when everyone’s limits are out in the open do you become free to ask for your dearest fantasies, secure in the knowledge that if your friend doesn’t want to, they won’t. From this position we can ask for the earth and often end up getting a goodly chunk of it.

PLANNING

Successful sluts know that relationships don’t just happen—they take work, planning, and commitment. Few of us have so much time on our hands that we can simply have conversations, sex, recreation, family time, or even fights whenever we feel like it—mundane reality has a tendency to get in the way of such important stuff. And yes, we do think fighting is important and necessary—we’ll talk more about the hows and whys in chapter 16, “Embracing Conflict.” If scheduling a fight seems a little bit absurd, just imagine the results of letting the tension build for several days because you haven’t made time to argue.

Get yourself a group calendar and use it: some of the online calendars, where everyone can enter appointments and see what other appointments others have made, work well for this. Once you’ve made a commitment to spend time together for any reason, keep it—we know you’re busy, but postponing important relationship work to attend to other business does not speak well of the significance you give your relationships, does it?

KNOWING YOURSELF

As we have said before, we are all carrying around a lot of garbage in our minds about sex and gender; some of these beliefs are buried so deep they can drive our behavior unconsciously, creating confusion and causing a great deal of pain to ourselves and the people we love.

These deeply held beliefs are the roots of sexism and sex- negativity, and to be a radical slut, you are going to have to uproot them. To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths. This hard work is well worth it because it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience.

“To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration.”

OWNING YOUR FEELINGS

A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own feelings. No one “makes” you feel jealous or insecure— the person who makes you feel that way is you. No matter what the other person is doing, what you feel in response is determined inside you. Even when somebody deliberately tries to hurt you, you make a choice about how you feel. You might feel angry or hurt or frightened or guilty. The choice, not usually conscious, happens inside you.

Reaching this understanding is not as easy as it sounds. When you feel rotten, it can be hard to accept the responsibility for how you feel: wouldn’t this be easier if it were someone else’s fault? The problem is that when you blame someone else for how you feel, you disempower yourself. If this is someone else’s fault, only that person can fix it, right? So poor you can’t do anything but sit there and moan.

On the other hand, when you own your feelings, you have lots of choices. You can talk about how you feel, you can choose whether or not you want to act on those feelings, you can learn how to understand yourself better, you can comfort yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step toward self-acceptance and self-love.

“When you own your feelings, you have lots of choices.”

GOING EASY ON YOURSELF

As prepared, as centered, as stable as you are, you are going to trip over problems you never anticipated—we guarantee it.

Perhaps the most important step in dealing with problems is to recognize that they will happen and that it’s okay that they do. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll encounter beliefs, myths, and “buttons” you never knew you had. There will be times when you’ll feel pretty awful.

Can we tell you how to avoid feeling bad? Nope. But we think you’d forgive a friend or lover who misunderstood or made a mistake, and we hope you’ll grant yourself the same amnesty. Knowing, loving, and respecting yourself is an absolute prerequisite to knowing, loving, and respecting someone else. Cut yourself some slack.

A friend of ours, when she trips over some surprisingly intense emotional response, says, philosophically, “Oh well—AFOG,” which stands, she says, for “Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth.” Learning from one’s mistakes isn’t fun, but it’s way better than not learning at all.

TELLING THE TRUTH

Throughout your experience—as you feel pain, ambivalence, joy—you must speak your own truth, first to yourself and then to those around you. Silent suffering and self-deception have no place in this lifestyle. Pretending that you feel great when you’re in agony will not make you a better slut; it will make you bitterly unhappy, and it may make those who care about you even unhappier. Everybody feels bad sometimes, so you are in excellent company. And when you have the courage to be open about a vulnerable feeling, everyone around you gets permission to be open with theirs.

When you tell the truth, you discover how much you have in common with the people you care about. Honesty puts you in an excellent position to support yourselves and each other in a life based on understanding and loving acceptance. As you dig deeper and share your discoveries, you may learn more about yourself and others than you ever knew before. Welcome that knowledge and keep on digging for more.

EXERCISE: SOME AFFIRMATIONS TO TRY

Maybe these affirmations will work for you or maybe you need to create your own. Whatever you come up with, write them down, post them on your refrigerator, carry them around in your pocket, and when you feel you need to, stand in front of a mirror and tell them to yourself.

·	I deserve love.

·	My body is sexy just the way it is.

·	I ask for whatever I want and say no to whatever I don’t.

·	I can turn difficulties into opportunities for growth.

·	Each new connection expands me.

·	I contain all I need for a life full of delight.

·	Sex is a beautiful expression of my loving spirit.

·	I am on my personal path to ecstasy.

A Brief History of Shame

Most of us grew up in an atmosphere of shame about bodies and sex. We were taught shame at a very early age, before we could understand more than the acutely uncomfortable feeling.

Those of us who have seen very young children explore their bodies know that toddlers explore those interesting-feeling parts in the crotch with the same innocent curiosity that leads them to play with their toes: they are learning their bodies.

And that gets us to a very important truth: every single one of us was taught not to masturbate in the living room. Here the parents’ response predicts the future: Many parents will respond to any childhood masturbation with shock and horror, teaching us that our genitals are dirty and shameful. Some lucky few of us had parents who gently taught us that big people masturbate in their bedrooms with the door shut—and that population is, we are glad to note, steadily increasing.

If we take a look within ourselves when shame arises, we might find the places where we block ourselves, where somehow we believe that something is very wrong with us, and no one will ever love us or choose to connect with us once they see our brokenness. So how do we create a path to recovery from any shame we learned when we were too small to understand why?

Here are words to live by: the enemy of shame is curiosity —the same curiosity we might have been punished for when we were two. Curiosity that wants to be playful, to explore what feels good; curiosity that lets us wonder why our tongues get tied and our cheeks burn when the moment comes to tell a person who loves and accepts us what, precisely, we dream of doing with them.

So how can we get from where we are to where we want to be, free of all that worrying and shame? Use your curiosity to ask, “How did I learn this?” “What did I come to believe about myself when I was taught that touching myself ‘down there’ was shameful?” “What do I believe about myself today?” “What do I think would be a healthier belief?”

Perhaps if we give ourselves some comfort and support, perhaps if we remember to offer comfort and support when someone we care about is stuck in the same sort of way, perhaps we can come to believe that we deserve comfort and support.

Another of the great virtues of curiosity is that, in sexual exploration, we can become those children we once were, delightedly exploring how this feels, how that feels, giggling and writhing, asking how does my body work, how does your body work? We can unbridle our curiosity. Get silly with it. Play.

Dossie the therapist maintains that in sex we may find comfort and resolution of our deepest fears by giving them a healing injection of the life force in the form of an orgasm. Think of sexual joy as a proud, strong message that I am, and we are, on some very profound level, all right.