Leaders Touch a Heart Before They Ask for a Hand
There are incidents in the lives and careers of leaders that become defining moments for their leadership. In the perception of followers, the general public, and historians, those moments often represent who those leaders are and what they stand for. Here’s an example of what I mean. I believe the presidency of George W. Bush can be summed up by two defining moments that he experienced during his time in office.
A CONNECTION MADE
The first moment occurred early in his first term, and it defined that entire term in office. On September 11, 2001, the United States was attacked by terrorists who crashed planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon. People in the United States were angry. They were fearful. They were uncertain about the future. And they were in mourning for the thousands of people who lost their lives to the terrorists.
Just four days after the collapse of the World Trade Center towers, Bush went to Ground Zero. He spent time there with the firefighters, police officers, and rescue workers. He shook hands. He listened. He took in the devastation. He thanked the people working there and told them, “The nation sends its love and compassion to everybody who’s here.” Reports said that the spirits of the tired searchers lifted when the president arrived and started shaking hands.
Cameras captured Bush standing in the wreckage with his arm around firefighter Bob Beckwith. When some members of the crowd shouted that they couldn’t hear him, Bush called back, “I can hear you. The rest of the world hears you. And the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon.”1 The people cheered. They felt validated. They felt understood. Bush had connected with them in a way no one had seen him do prior to that moment.
NOBODY’S HOME
The second incident came during Bush’s second four years in office, and it defined that second term. It occurred on August 31, 2005, just two days after the landfall of Hurricane Katrina. After the levees in New Orleans broke and water flooded into the city, instead of visiting the city as he did in New York after 9/11, Bush flew over New Orleans in Air Force One, peering through one of the jet’s small windows to see the damage. To the people of the Gulf Coast, it was a picture of indifference.
As the tragedy unfolded, no one in authority at any level of government connected with the people of New Orleans: not the president, not the governor, not the mayor. By the time Mayor Ray Nagin ordered the city’s evacuation, it was too late for many poor residents to leave. He sent people to the Superdome, advising them to eat before they went because the local government had made no provisions for them. Meanwhile, he held press conferences and complained that he wasn’t getting any help. And the people most affected by the problems felt abandoned, forgotten, and betrayed.
After the worst of the tragedy was over, no matter what President Bush said or how much help he provided, he was unable to regain the people’s confidence and trust. It’s true that when democratic Mayor Nagin was reelected less than a year after the disaster, he thanked Bush for “delivering for the citizens of New Orleans.” And Donna Brazile, another Democrat, has since described Bush as “very much engaged” in the rebuilding process and praised him for prompting Congress to dedicate money to rebuilding the levees.2 But by then Bush could not undo the image of indifference he had created. He had failed to connect with the people. He had broken the Law of Connection.
THE HEART COMES FIRST
When it comes to working with people, the heart comes before the head. That’s true whether you are communicating to a stadium full of people, leading a team meeting, or trying to relate to your spouse. Think about how you react to people. If you listen to a speaker or teacher, do you want to hear a bunch of dry statistics or a load of facts? Or would you rather the speaker engaged you on a human level—maybe with a story or joke? If you’ve been on any kind of winning team in business, sports, or service, you know that the leader didn’t simply give instructions and then send you on your way. No, he or she connected with you on an emotional level.
You can’t move people to action unless you first move them with emotion. . . . The heart comes before the head.
For leaders to be effective, they need to connect with people. Why? Because you first have to touch people’s hearts before you ask them for a hand. That is the Law of Connection. All great leaders and communicators recognize this truth and act on it almost instinctively. You can’t move people to action unless you first move them with emotion.
An outstanding orator and African American leader of the nineteenth century was Frederick Douglass. It’s said that he had a remarkable ability to connect with people and move their hearts when he spoke. Historian Lerone Bennett said of Douglass, “He could make people laugh at a slave owner preaching the duties of Christian obedience; could make them see the humiliation of a Black maiden ravished by a brutal slave owner; could make them hear the sobs of a mother separated from her child. Through him, people could cry, curse, and feel ; through him they could live slavery.”
THE GREAT CONNECTOR
Good leaders work at connecting with others all of the time, whether they are communicating to an entire organization or working with a single individual. The stronger the relationship you form with followers, the greater the connection you forge—and the more likely those followers will be to want to help you.
I used to tell my staff, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” They would groan because they heard me say it so much, but they recognized that it was true nonetheless. You develop credibility with people when you connect with them and show that you gen-uinely care and want to help them. And as a result, they usually respond in kind and want to help you.
The stronger the relationship and connection between individuals, the more likely the follower will want to help the leader.
An excellent example of a leader who was able to connect with both audiences and individuals was Presient Ronald Reagan. His ability to develop rapport with an audience is reflected in the nickname he received as president: the Great Communicator. But he also had the ability to touch the hearts of the individuals close to him. He really could have been called the Great Connector.
Former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan said that when Reagan used to return to the White House from long trips and the staff heard his helicopter landing on the lawn, everyone would stop working, and staff member Donna Elliott would say, “Daddy’s home!” They couldn’t wait to see him. Some employees dread it when their boss shows up. Reagan’s people felt encouraged because he connected with them.
CONNECT WITH PEOPLE ONE AT A TIME
One key to connecting with others is recognizing that even in a group, you have to relate to people as individuals. General Norman Schwarzkopf remarked, “I have seen competent leaders who stood in front of a platoon and all they saw was a platoon. But great leaders stand in front of a platoon and see it as forty-four individuals, each of whom has aspirations, each of whom wants to live, each of whom wants to do good.”3
I’ve had the opportunity to speak to some wonderful audiences during the course of my career. The largest have been in stadiums with more than sixty thousand people in attendance. Some of my colleagues who also speak for a living have asked me, “How in the world do you speak to that many people?” The secret is simple. I don’t try to talk to the thou-sands. I focus on talking to one per-son. That’s the only way to connect with people. It’s the same way when writing a book. I don’t think of the millions of people who have read my books. I think of you. I believe that if I can connect with you as an individual, then what I have to offer might be able to help you. If I’m not connecting, you’ll stop reading and go do something else.
To connect with people in a group, relate to them as individuals.
How do you connect? Whether you’re speaking in front of a large audience or chatting in the hallway with an individual, the guidelines are the same:
1. CONNECT WITH YOURSELF
You must know who you are and have confidence in yourself if you desire to connect with others. People don’t heed the call of an uncertain trumpet. Be confident and be yourself. If you don’t believe in who you are and where you want to lead, work on that before doing anything else.
2. COMMUNICATE WITH OPENNESS AND SINCERITY
People can smell a phony a mile away. Legendary NFL coach Bill Walsh observed, “Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment.” Authentic leaders connect.
3. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE
When you work with individuals, knowing your audience means learning people’s names, finding out about their histories, asking about their dreams. When you communicate to an audience, you learn about the organization and its goals. You want to speak to what they care about, not just what you care about.
4. LIVE YOUR MESSAGE
Perhaps the most important thing you can do as a leader and communicator is to practice what you preach. That’s where credibility comes from. Plenty of people out in the marketplace are willing to say one thing to an audience but do something else. They don’t last.
5. GO TO WHERE THEY ARE
As a communicator, I dislike any kind of barrier to communication. I don’t like to be too far from my audience or too high above them on a stage. And I definitely don’t want any physical barriers between me and the people. But a person’s method of communication can also be a barrier. Whether I’m speaking from a stage or sitting across from someone in my office, I try to speak the other person’s language, to go to that person. I try to be attuned to others’ culture, background, education, and so on. I adapt to others; I don’t expect them to adapt to me.
6. FOCUS ON THEM, NOT YOURSELF
If you got on an elevator with me and asked me to tell you the secret to good communication before I got off at the next floor, I’d tell you to focus on others, not yourself. That is the number one problem of inexperienced speakers, and it is also the number one problem of ineffective leaders. You will always connect faster when your focus is not on yourself.
7. BELIEVE IN THEM
It’s one thing to communicate to people because you believe you have something of value to say. It’s another to communicate with people because you believe they have value. People’s opinion of us has less to do with what they see in us than it does with what we can help them see in themselves.
8. OFFER DIRECTION AND HOPE
People expect leaders to help them get where they want to go. But good leaders do that and more. French general Napoleon Bonaparte said, “Leaders are dealers in hope.” That is so true. When you give people hope, you give them a future.
IT’S THE LEADER’S JOB
Some leaders have problems with the Law of Connection because they believe that connecting is the responsibility of followers. That is especially true of positional leaders. They often think, I’m the boss. I have the position. These are my employees. Let them come to me. But successful leaders who obey the Law of Connection are always initiators. They take the first step with others and then make the effort to continue building relationships. That’s not always easy, but it’s important to the success of the organization. A leader has to do it, no matter how many obstacles there might be.
It’s one thing to communicate to people because you believe you have something of value to say. It’s another to communicate with people because you believe they have value.
I learned this lesson in 1972 when I was faced with a very difficult situation. I was moving to Lancaster, Ohio, to accept the leadership of a church there. It was going to be a big step up in responsibility for me. Before I accepted the position, I learned that the church had just gone through a big battle related to a building project. Heading up one of the factions was the number one influencer in the church, a man named Jim. I also heard that Jim had a reputation for being negative and something of a maverick. He liked to use his influence to move the people in directions that didn’t always help the organization.
Because the previous leader of the church had faced opposition from Jim more than a few times, I knew that I needed to win him over. Otherwise, I would always have conflict with him. If you want someone on your side, don’t try to convince him—connect with him. That’s what I was determined to do. So the first thing I did when I got to my new position was to make an appointment to meet Jim in my office.
I admit I was not looking forward to meeting Jim. He was a big man—six feet four inches tall and about 250 pounds. He was very intimidating. Further, he was sixty-five years old, and I was only twenty-five. The meeting had the potential to go ugly.
“Jim,” I said as he sat in my office, “I know you’re the influencer in this church, and I want you to know that I’ve decided I’m going to do every-thing in my power to build a good relationship with you. I’d like to meet with you every Tuesday for lunch at the Holiday Inn to talk through issues. While I’m the leader here, I’ll never take any decision to the people with-out first discussing it with you. I really want to work with you.
“But I also want you to know that I’ve heard you’re a very negative per-son,” I continued, “and that you like to fight battles. If you decide to work against me, I guess we’ll just have to be on opposite sides. And because you have so much influence, I know you’ll win most of the time, at least in the beginning. But I’m going to develop relationships with people and draw new people to this church. This church will grow, and someday I’ll have greater influence than you.
It’s the leader’s job to initiate connection with the people.
“But I don’t want to battle you,” I confided. “You’re sixty-five years old right now. Let’s say you’ve got another ten to fifteen years of good health and productivity ahead of you. If you want, you can make these years your very best and make your life count.
“We can do a lot of great things together at this church,” I summed up, “but the decision is yours.”
When I finished, Jim didn’t say a word. He got up from his seat, walked into the hall, and stopped to take a drink at the water fountain. I followed him out and waited. I didn’t know whether he was going to dress me down, declare war, or tell me to take a hike.
After a long time, Jim stood up straight and turned around. When he did, I could see that tears were rolling down his cheeks. And then he gave me a great big bear hug and said, “You can count on me to be on your side.”
And Jim did get on my side. As it turned out, he did live about another ten years, and because he was willing to help me, a young kid with a vision, we accomplished many positive things together. But it never would have happened if I hadn’t had the courage to try to make a connection with him that first day in my office.
THE TOUGHER THE CHALLENGE,
THE GREATER THE CONNECTION
Never underestimate the power of making connections and building relationships with people before asking them to follow you. If you’ve ever studied the lives of notable military commanders, you have probably noticed that the best ones practiced the Law of Connection. I read that during World War I in France, General Douglas MacArthur told a battalion commander before a daring charge, “Major, when the signal comes to go over the top, I want you to go first, before your men. If you do, they’ll follow.” Then MacArthur removed the Distinguished Service Cross from his uniform and pinned it on the major. He had, in effect, awarded him for hero-ism before asking him to exhibit it. And of course, the major led his men, they followed him over the top, and they achieved their objective.
Not all military examples of the Law of Connection are quite so dramatic, but they are still effective. For example, it’s said that Napoleon made it a practice to know every one of his officers by name and to remember where they lived and which battles they had fought with him. Robert E. Lee was known to visit the men at their campsites the night before any major battle. Often he met the next day’s challenges without having slept. More recently, I read about how Norman Schwarzkopf connected with his troops during the first Persian Gulf War. On Christmas in 1990, he spent the day in the mess halls among the men and women who were so far away from their families. In his autobiography, he says,
I shook hands with everyone in the line, went behind the serving counter to greet the cooks and helpers, and worked my way through the mess hall, hitting every table, wishing everyone Merry Christmas. Then I went into the second and third dining facilities and did the same thing. I came back to the first mess tent and repeated the exercise, because by this time there was an entirely new set of faces. Then I sat down with some of the troops and had my dinner. In the course of four hours, I must have shaken four thousand hands.4
Schwarzkopf was a general. He didn’t have to do that, but he did. He used one of the most effective methods for connecting with others, something I call walking slowly through the crowd. It may sound corny, but it’s really true: people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. As a leader, find times to make yourself available to people. Learn their names. Tell them how much you appreciate them. Find out how they’re doing. And most important, listen. Leaders who relate to their people and really connect with them are leaders that people will follow to the ends of the earth.
It may sound corny, but it’s really true: people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
THE RESULT OF CONNECTION
When a leader truly has done the work to connect with his people, you can see it in the way the organization functions. Employees exhibit loyalty and a strong work ethic. The vision of the leader becomes the aspiration of the people. The impact is incredible.
One of the companies I admire is Southwest Airlines. The company has been successful and profitable while other airlines have filed for bankruptcy and folded. The person responsible for the initial success of the organization and the creation of its culture is Herb Keller, the company’s founder and current executive chairman of the board.
I love what Southwest’s employees did on Boss’s Day in 1994 because it shows the kind of connection Kelleher made with his people. They took out a full-page ad in USA Today and addressed the following message to Kelleher:
Thanks, Herb
For remembering every one of our names.
For supporting the Ronald McDonald House.
For helping load baggage on Thanksgiving.
For giving everyone a kiss (and we mean everyone).
For listening.
For running the only profitable major airline.
For singing at our holiday party.
For singing only once a year.
For letting us wear shorts and sneakers to work.
For golfing at The LUV Classic with only one club.
For outtalking Sam Donaldson.
For riding your Harley Davidson into Southwest Headquarters.
For being a friend, not just a boss.
Happy Boss’s Day from Each One of Your 16,000 Employees.5
A display of affection like that occurs only when a leader has worked hard to connect with his people.
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of building relational bridges between yourself and the people you lead. There’s an old saying: To lead yourself, use your head; to lead others, use your heart. That’s the nature of the Law of Connection. Always touch a person’s heart before you ask him for a hand.
Applying
THE LAW OF CONNECTION
To Your Life
1. What does it really mean to “connect with yourself ”? It means knowing and liking who you are. Start by measuring your level of self-awareness. Answer each of the following questions:
How would I describe my personality?
What is my greatest character strength?
What is my greatest character weakness?
What is my single greatest asset?
What is my single greatest deficit?
How well do I relate to others (1 to 10)?
How well do I communicate with others (1 to 10)?
How likable am I (1 to 10)?
Now ask three people who know you well to answer the same questions about you. Compare answers. If their answers are significantly different from yours, then you have a blind spot you need to rectify. Engage a men-tor, growth and accountability partner, or counselor to help you become more self-aware and to help you value your strengths and deal positively with your weaknesses.
2. Learn to walk slowly through the crowd. When you are out among your employees or coworkers, make relationship building and connecting a priority. Before getting into work matters, make a connection. With people you don’t yet know, that may take some time. With people you know well, still take a moment to connect relationally. It may cost you only a few minutes a day, but it will pay huge dividends in the future. And it will make the workplace a more positive environment.
3. Good leaders are good communicators. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate yourself as a public speaker? If you give yourself anything lower than an 8, you need to work on improving your skills. Read books on communication, take a class, or join Toastmasters. And sharpen your skills by practicing your teaching and communicating. If you don’t have opportunities to do that on the job, then try volunteering.