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Fredi gazed into the depths of the crate and whispered in her softest, most reassuring voice, “How’s everybody doing? Everyone seems a lot less agitated than they were a few minutes ago. Do you think you’re all ready to take the next step?”
The four marmalade kittens in the crate stared at her with calm green eyes, round as table grapes. The meowing, clawing, and general franticness of the dreaded bath had passed. The kittens were now clean, toweled dry, and their coats fluffed.
“See? The bath wasn’t so bad.” She reached into the crate and petted the warm balls of fur. “You kitties really needed it. Now you smell fresh, look good, and that makes you much more adoptable. We're on track, but there’s an important final step we must take.”
She reached into her handbag and removed a slender glass vial sealed with crimson wax. With a broad sweep of her hand, she waved the vial over the kittens and muttered a brief incantation in Latin. “Ut verum se mutuo corda inveniet. May true hearts find each other.”
Unimpressed with her showman-like presentation, the kittens exposed their tiny pin-like teeth and hissed in unison.
“Oh, hush. This won’t hurt a bit.” She twisted the cork to snap the wax seal, removed it, and sprinkled several drops of pale pink, rose-scented water on each kitten. They meowed in protest and huddled together in a corner of the crate, forming a single dejected lump of misery.
“So much drama! It’s hardly a flick of blessed water. Trust me, you want this. I’m casting a ‘forever home’ spell so the right people will find and keep you. I’m doing you a favor and trying to magnetize good homes for you, so please don’t hiss and piss about it.”
With care, she dipped her hand into the crate to comfort a trembling kitten. The office’s ancient landline phone rang at the volume of a fire alarm. With a jolt, she turned to stare at the old-fashioned telephone that was the same weird shade of red as raw liver. It boggled her mind that sometime during the Reagan era, someone had deliberately chosen that color and perhaps paid a little extra for the privilege. She reached for the receiver and held it to her ear. “San Buena Animal Shelter.”
Deep grunting filtered through the receiver. “Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh...”
She held the phone away as heavy breathing poured forth. It wasn’t unusual at this time of night. This was when the prank calls started. “Who is this?”
A gruff voice rumbled, “What color panties are you wearing?”
“I’m not wearing any panties on my plump ass that makes Jennifer Lopez look like a skinny little boy scout.” She paused. “Estele, I know that’s you. Your impression of a pervert is terrible.”
“Why is it terrible?” Estele chirped in her own girlish voice.
“The real perverts are never that obvious. They’ll waste hours of your time acting normal and sounding sane before you catch on to them.”
“Oh boy. You’re referring to my cousin, Giles the warlock, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I mean your goddamned cousin, Giles from Marseilles. I hope I never lock wands in a plasma firefight with that man again. The entire night was a disaster.”
“That set-up date was months ago. I meant well. I had no idea. Fredi, when will you forgive me and unblock your phone? I want us to be friends again.”
“Estele, you’ve known me forever. What the hell were you thinking when you tried to match me with that French warlock?”
“Giles was in town for only one week, and I thought he was so cute. In truth, I don’t know him all that well. I hadn’t seen him since we were little witchlings at International Sorcery Camp. Cross my heart, I had no idea the two of you would rub each other the wrong way. I’m so sorry the date went sour, but, please, don’t take it out on me.” Estele’s voice cracked with emotion. “I miss hanging out together, and I want to make it up to you. You never call or go out anymore. Everybody says you’ve been living like a hermit, and I blame myself. When will you be ready to talk about that night? I need to hear it. Please tell me exactly what happened. I saw how it ended on the news. The shattered windshields on the overturned police cars and the damage to downtown businesses. But how did the trouble start?”
“Do you really want to hear it? I’m so embarrassed. I had to apologize in front of San Buena’s city council and do a ton of community service. Every weekend for the next six months, I’m expected to wear a fluorescent-orange safety vest and pick up trash on the side of the highway. I promised everyone I’d rein myself in and work on controlling my passionate witch’s temper.”
“What did Giles do to provoke you so badly?”
Fredi’s gut twisted as she braced for the harsh confession. “The date started off fine. We spent the entire afternoon talking. There was a lot of flirting and fun. Things were moving along smoothly, so we decided to get dinner.”
“That sounds reasonable.”
“No. That’s when it went bad. At the restaurant is where I got the first glimpse of Giles’s pushy side. He was so certain I was already charmed by his good looks and accent that I had to keep slapping his grabby hands as they crept under my skirt. I’m such a queen bee about boundaries. You know how I feel about that.”
“Uh-oh,” Estele grumbled.
“It got worse.” A welling storm of bad memories sparked a tension headache. “If Giles wasn’t rubbing his thigh against mine, he was reaching for the buttons on my blouse. He wouldn’t take a hint and slow down. It was like dining with an octopus in leather pants.”
“Okay, I agree. He was rude.”
“But, wait, the ultimate insult came when Giles tried to slip a lust-slave mojo into my drink.”
“What?” Estele squeaked.
“Yep. I caught him red-handed—and I mean that literally. He tried to wave a fully activated lust spell over my Mojito, but he lacked finesse. I saw it glowing crimson in his palm, and I can’t imagine how he thought I could miss something as obvious as that.”
Estele groaned like a squeaky door, “Fredi, I feel so stupid for setting you up with Giles. I swear, I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t know a conceited French warlock would have a dark side? Please.” She huffed. “Giles’s sexual shenanigans aren’t your fault. He’s the one who showed some serious stupidity attempting to cast a lust spell on a professional spellster. Did he really think I wouldn’t question why I was unsnapping my bra in a pizzeria? It was so disrespectful. I lost it. I grabbed my wand and started blasting. After I was finished, Giles’s pants looked like a pair of butt-less chaps, and I didn’t stop there. He’s so vain about his flowing hair. I zapped his raven locks into a smoldering mess. The smell of fried hair clung to my coat for days.”
“Geez, that could have been a pay-per-view event.” Estele giggled.
“Estele, it’s not funny.”
“It sort of is,” Estele grumbled.
“I lost my temper and my dignity in public.”
“God, I wish I’d been there to see you in full-throttle wrath-of-fury mode. It must have been breathtaking. I can only dream of doing something like this.”
She picked at her fingernail with a sneer. “But wait, there’s more. Giles tried to dash to freedom, but I chased him down the street, screaming curses. He wasn’t expecting me to pursue him wearing high heels. I fought him hard and let my superheated, witchy-poo, Wiccan-fire plasma bolts fly. Now my insurance company hates me for having to replace every plate-glass window on Main Street, and a few windshields, too.”
“Oh, Fredi, I’m so sorry I laughed.”
“Don’t be.” To spare the kittens the loud conversation, she carried the phone with her into a far corner of the room and paced. “I learned my lesson. The sad part was that, until the point I caught Giles trying to slip me a mojo, I was enjoying his company. I was flattered a European warlock could be so interested in a West Coast witch, and I thought he was super cute in a brooding rock-star sort of way. Honestly, I was overexcited and amped up to be out on a date in the first place, and when he pulled that underhanded warlock bullshit on me, I got blind-rage mad. I had no control over my actions. I took aim with my wand and kept blasting. Cross my heart, I couldn’t stop myself. I’m lucky only Giles got zapped in the pants. An innocent resident of San Buena could have stepped onto the scene and been killed. The whole incident completely threw me off balance, and I can’t afford to repeat it. I know now I can’t date outside the enchantment community, and I’m certainly not ready to face the consequences and date within the community. So I’m taking a social breather until I can trust my judgment and reactions toward the opposite sex. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Maybe in five or ten years I’ll risk dating again.”
“Five or ten years? Are you trying to be a martyr? Everyone knows the witches in your family lose their tempers now and then. No biggie.”
“No biggie?” She gulped. “Are you kidding? Who can forget how Aunt Edwina blew up a shipyard? We’ll never live it down. That’s the sort of shit that sticks.”
“Giles was in the wrong. Don’t punish yourself by becoming a recluse.”
She toyed with the phone cord. “It’s too soon. I’ve sworn off dating until I understand what’s going on with me. I owe it to the citizens of San Buena to never again go witchy Rambo on them.”
“No permanent damage was done. It was just stuff and a lot of broken glass, some panic in the streets, mild physical harm to Giles, and a wrecked patrol car or two. Okay, that is a lot of stuff. On the lighter side, I heard Giles’s hair grew back lush and black, so there’s nothing to feel guilty about in that department.”
Fredi snuffled into the receiver. “You don’t get it, do you? I’ve changed. I’m not what I used to be. Something permanent happened. If I get angry, I completely lose control. I grab a wand and start firing. It’s not safe for me or anyone else in the vicinity. If I get excited... well, let’s just say excitement makes it a thousand times worse.”
“Do you mean hopping up-and-down, squealing like a piglet, game-show-level excitement? I once had a puppy that peed on himself when he got too happy. It was cute and a little smelly.”
She strolled across the room, returning to the kittens. “I’m not peeing on myself.”
“That’s good. Is it good? You sound grouchy.”
Fredi released a heavy exhale. “I’m not talking about game show excitement.”
“Ah! You mean sexual excitement? Relax. Everyone loses it when they get excited. That’s part of the fun.”
“Not like me. I’m different. Lately, when I get worked up, sparks fly out of my fingertips.”
“Whoa!” Estele shrieked, a high-pitched, unsettling giggle that sounded like someone had startled a rabbit. “You mean real sparks, like elf fire? How long has this been happening?”
Wincing, Fredi held the phone away from her ear. Her head throbbed. The kittens meowed and seemed startled by Estele’s cry as well, so she reached into the crate to calm them. “It started around New Year’s.”
“So the sparks started about the same time you decided you were ready to settle down with a real man who wasn’t afraid of being in a relationship with a witch?”
“Yeah, that’s about it. It’s complicated. When I say ‘sparks,’ I don’t mean festive Fourth of July sparklers. I mean emerald-green electric bolts that light the night like an industrial-sized Tesla coil.”
Estele wailed with excitement. “Witches be bitches! It sounds awesome. I wish I could do that. How have you kept this a secret?”
“I haven’t, not really...”
“I didn’t hear about it.”
Her voice rose. “It’s not the kind of thing I’m eager to share with anyone. I want it to stop.”
“What happens? What provokes it?”
“I found out by accident when I was watching Cinemax late one Friday night—”
“You mean Skin-a-max?” Estele giggled.
“You know what I mean. Pretty people stripped to the waist. Exotic locations...”
“I think it’s safe to say the exotic location is Vancouver standing in for New York.”
“No, no, the movie I was watching was filmed in Spain, and besides, that’s not the point. The point is the moment I began to enjoy myself watching a handsome man peeling his shirt off to reveal a patch of silky dark hair on his chest, I slipped into a fantasy state and thought, ‘God, I wish he was looking at me with that smoldering dirty-dog expression.’ I started to feel warm all over, and all of a sudden, my hands tingled and a blast of green fire rocketed from my fingertips across my living room, zipped out an open window, and set my neighbor’s porch ablaze. A wooden rocking chair burst into a fireball. I was so startled I screamed like a banshee, jumped to my feet, grabbed a fire extinguisher, and ran next door to put out the flames. There I was, in my bathrobe, stomping on green embers and swearing like a sailor. I made a fool of myself in front of everyone on my street. My poor old neighbor, Mr. Plotkin, was so polite about the entire incident, too, even though I blackened his favorite chair.”
“Holy Hecate! That’s terrible. Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“I was embarrassed. That incident with the porch wasn’t the last time either. Please, don’t even ask what happened when I tried to use my waterproof vibrator in the bathtub. I blasted through the porcelain and flooded the kitchen. That was the last time—” Silence hung in the air.
“The last time you what?”
“The last time I attempted to... you know.”
“Get off? You haven’t stirred the honey pot in six months? Geez, you poor thing, you must be dying!”
“I don’t dare try. The destruction could be devastating. If I gave in to my fantasies, San Buena would be under the care of FEMA! I can’t allow myself to daydream or get excited. Nothing. I can’t be trusted. I’ve had to learn to reroute every sexual thought and squelch it before things go boom! Hopefully, this situation won’t last. Maybe this is some sort of horrible phase I’m passing through.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Estele sounded genuinely sympathetic.
“Probably not, but I’ll ask anyway—how are your hexing spells coming along? Has there been any improvement?”
“I’m not doing too well in the Master Magi program. Can I tell you something in confidence? I’m on academic probation. Madame Dahlia called me the most ‘vexatious’ adept she’s ever taught. My magic keeps taking weird twists. I can’t cast a clean spell that goes from A to B to C. My spells go from A to J to Z, with totally unpredictable results. I’m so frustrated.”
“I was ready to ask you for help, but never mind.”
“Fredi, you’re like my big sister. I’d love to help. Earlier this week, Madame Dahlia taught us a couple new incantations that might be worth a try.”
“Forget it. The last thing I need is a wayward spell cast on me.”
“Maybe you just need to relax and learn to cope with a little excitement.”
“I don’t think so. My little beachfront house and all the houses next to mine have wooden steps, shake roofs, and hardwood floors. Everything’s flammable. I might turn the neighborhood into a bonfire on the beach. I’ll consider exploring my personal issues when I have three fire trucks and a construction company at my back.”
“Oh! I just had a thought.”
“What is it?”
“Would you be willing to date a man who’s in the construction business?”
“No, I wouldn’t. Estele, can’t you tell when I’m being sarcastic?”
“It was meant as a helpful suggestion. Are you going to continue to hope you don’t get excited, have a fantasy, or wake from a wet dream with the house in flames?”
“Umm, yeah. That’s what I’m hoping for.”
“That’s not a plan.”
“Estele, there is no plan. I have to resist temptation as long as I can. There’ll be no fantasizing, and certainly no dating. Until things change, I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
“You’re planning to avoid men, and not date, fantasize, or use your vibrator indefinitely?”
“I also canceled cable and gave away a box full of my favorite romance novels.”
“Ouch, that’s harsh! So, even if the perfect guy was out there waiting to meet you... you’d turn him down?”
“At this time, yes. Until I learn to separate magic and emotions, I’ll have to stay very single and celibate.”
“That’s foolish.”
“It’s practical. By the way, why did you call?”
“Errr... why did I call? Gosh, I’m drawing a blank.”
“Estele, if you called to shame me about not dating, you needn’t have bothered. My mother calls regularly to do it.”
“I’m not shaming you, Fredi. We were always so close. I simply wanted to make up for my last mistake by offering you...”
Fredi drummed her fingertips on the desktop. The uneven tone of her friend’s voice was a worry. “Offering me what?”
“Umm, an invitation for tomorrow night.”
Yep, she was right. Estele sounded suspect. She petted a kitten. “I don’t think so.”
“Don’t say no. I haven’t even told you what it’s for yet.”
The kitten bit her finger with syringe-sharp teeth. “Ouch. Go on.”
“It’s a surprise party. Why ‘ouch’? What happened?”
“I got kitten-nipped. Surprise party for who?”
“You don’t know him,” Estele blurted.
“Well, that’s perfect. It won’t ruin the surprise when I don’t show.”
“It’s an uncle of mine.” Treacle-sweet pleading poured out of Estelle. “He’s a dear old mage.”
“Another relative of yours? Is that wise?”
“Please, do it for me. You need to socialize. A few hours away from your cottage and the animal shelter would do you some good. Besides, you have to start going out sometime. All you have to do is get dolled up and make a fresh start tomorrow night.”
“No.”
“Come on! Try a night out. You have to start sometime. One hour, one drink. Nothing more.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Fredi, say ‘yes.’ I promise it will be good for you to get out. You won’t regret it.”
“Where’s the party?”
“The Voodoo Hoodoo cocktail lounge.”
“No! I can’t go there. The place is crawling with Fae and Magi. I’m a joke in the enchantment community. They think I’m the blonde bimbo who whips out a wand like a scene from High Noon and doesn’t know when to stop blasting.”
“No one thinks that. San Buena is your hometown. You have a lot of friends here who care about you and want to see you move forward with your life. Put the Giles incident behind you and meet me tomorrow night at seven o’clock for a pitcher of Hoodoo-mixers.”
“Okay, but this is a practice outing. I can’t risk hanging around and waiting for things to go yuck. One drink, and then I’m making an excuse to leave, okay?”
“Fair enough. You’ll really be there? You won’t chicken out?”
“I’ll be there,” Fredi sighed. “Though I’m not convinced it’s a good idea.”
“One hour. It’s not a big deal. You need to be around people. You’re only twenty-six, and that’s too young to become a weird cat lady.”
“You’re right. I need to get out. Estele, thanks for calling. To be honest, I’ve been pretty lonely.”
“I’ve missed you, too. There’s no need to be lonely. Start trusting yourself and do a little socializing at a party. The results might surprise you.”
“I love bad puns. Are you saying I might surprise myself at a surprise party?”
“What surprise party?” Estelle blurted.
“Geez, Estele, the surprise party you just invited me to! What’s wrong with you? Are you using mercury in your tinctures? Don’t do it. It’s not safe. You’ll become as waffle-brained and confused as Witch Griselda.”
“Poor old Griselda! Don’t even wish that on me. I heard Griselda sneezed at a wedding and accidently turned a row of bridesmaids into nanny goats in pink dresses, right at the ‘I do's.’ The goats bolted out of the church, bleating. One shredded and ate her gown and couldn’t rejoin the ceremony once everyone was set right because of a horrific bellyache. Can you imagine passing that many yards of taffeta? It must have been awful.”
She rubbed her forehead. “Suffering Sibyls, I thought I had problems.”
“The good news is I’m fine, and I don’t use mercury in my tinctures. I’m tired, that’s all. I have a new routine. I’ve been jogging before dawn.”
“You jog now?” Her breath halted. “How obscene. That’s something I’d never get involved with.”
“I jog and I love it! I’m looking forward to tomorrow night. It will be fun.”
“Whatever. I have to go, Estele. I need to finish casting a spell on these rescue kittens while the first round of incantation is fresh.”
“You’re doing good work. I’ll let you go so you can witch those kitties good homes.” Estele paused. “You’re not going to back out on me, are you?”
“No, I’ll be there. Again, thank you for calling. I missed you, too.”
“See you tomorrow night.”
“Bye.” Fredi set the phone onto its cradle. She gazed at the restless kittens circling the interior of the crate. “Who wants tuna?”