That seemed to hit home.
Allan didn’t respond but turned his gaze straight ahead. Michele could tell he was a little angered by what she said, but he was doing his best not to react. She didn’t like fueling the tension between them, but she had to get his attention somehow. Allan couldn’t multitask. He usually gave the lion’s share of his heart to one thing at a time. The orphanage was clearly taking over.
They turned onto their street. Still no response. They turned down the one-lane alley that ran behind their row of townhomes. She felt pressure to say something accommodating or conciliatory but decided against it.
He pushed the garage door button, waited for the door to lift, then pulled in. After turning off the car, he turned and said, “Michele, obviously I’m not tracking with you here. I can tell you’re upset with me. By the look on your face and what you just said, I feel like I should apologize. The problem is, if I did, it would just be to make peace. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, and with the way you pick up on things, you’d notice that in any apology I’d try to make. So help me understand what’s going on here? You know how much these African mission trips mean to me. This isn’t a new thing. I’ve been going there since before we met and all through our engagement. I never hid from you that this is something I wanted to keep doing after we were married. I remember you even saying that it was okay, that my love for missions was part of why you were attracted to me. Do you remember saying that? Because I do.”
“I do remember,” she said. “And I remember meaning it when I said it.”
“But you don’t mean it now? You’re not okay with it anymore?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. At least I don’t think that’s what I’m saying.”
He turned the car’s ignition partly on, enough to lower the power windows. “Then what?”
What should she say? How did she really feel? “Allan, I think the problem is . . . neither of us considered we’d have a hard time conceiving children. You know how much I’ve wanted children. I never hid that from you.”
“I want them too. We don’t disagree on that.”
“But in a way,” she said, “we do. Not on whether we should have them, or even how many. But you seem content to just let it happen whenever it happens.”
“I don’t think we have much choice. We don’t have any control over what’s going on.”
“See, I don’t agree with that. There are all kinds of medical things to consider. That’s what this doctor appointment is about, to start pushing those buttons, find out what’s available. If there’s a medical reason keeping us from having children, there might be a medical fix.”
“Okay, I agree with that. But I don’t see the problem. You’re going to the doctor. I’m not against it or trying to stop you.”
Lord, help me explain this without getting angry. “You’re not trying to stop me, Allan. But you’re also not really with me in this. I don’t feel your support. I feel alone, like I’m carrying this all by myself. On my radar, it’s a big glowing green dot. So big it dominates the screen. I think on your radar, it’s a teeny little blip. A dim light that only flickers a few moments at a time, usually after I bring it up, and then it dies out.” She looked into his eyes. He was getting this, some of it, anyway. “You know what’s the big green dot on your radar? The one dominating the screen?”
He nodded. “Korah.”
“Right. Korah and this orphanage. Which I’m sure is a very good thing. And I’m sure those kids need all kinds of help. And I’m sure you’d do a great job helping them. And I feel totally guilty and totally selfish for even bringing any of this up. But I’m the one you married, Allan. I’m the one here every day. I feel terrible about the condition of those kids at Korah, but somehow, I feel they’ve taken your heart away from what I’m dealing with, and I’m not sure you understand how much I’m hurting now. I haven’t been able to tell you about my own pain because I don’t want to upset you or stop you from helping those poor kids.”
Those rotten tears began to well up in her eyes. “And I don’t want to go through this infertility trial alone. I need you to care about this too. Maybe not as much as me, but a whole lot more than you seem to care about it now.” She opened the glove compartment and pulled out a napkin.
He reached across the seat and took her hand. “You have no reason to feel guilty for anything you just said. The kids living in that dump are not more important than you are and what you’re going through right now. Not to me. I know it may not seem like that right now. Not by the way I’ve been acting since I got home.”
He paused, as if thinking through something he wasn’t sure how to say. “Some people might think orphan kids eating decent food is a whole lot more important than whether you and I are having problems getting pregnant. But I don’t believe that’s how God operates. Jesus said the Father knows when a sparrow falls to the ground. He knows how many hairs are on each of our heads. He’s got the capacity to care just as much for those kids as he does for you, Michele, and what we’re going through here with you trying to get pregnant. I’m the one with the capacity problem. I’ve gotta figure out a way to care about more than one thing at a time. But I don’t seem to know how to do that.”
She dabbed the remaining tears in her eyes. “I love you, you know. With all my heart.”
“I know,” he said. “I love you too. I guess I just need some help figuring out how to love you the right way.”
“This is helping,” she said.
“Do you mind if we finish talking in the house?” he said. “I’m really starting to heat up sitting here.”
“Yeah, let’s go inside.”
He closed the windows and they got out of the car. Once inside, she saw his countenance change. “What’s the matter?”
He set his keys, phone, and spare change on the hutch where he always put them. “It’s just . . . at the meeting I had with Ray, I kind of agreed to do all kinds of things to help get this orphanage thing going.”
“You know I’m not asking you to drop that, right?”
“I was kind of thinking that was the point of this whole conversation.”
Michele laughed.
“What’s funny?”
“You. The way you think. You really can’t see yourself juggling both of these things at the same time.”
“I guess I can’t. I haven’t been able to so far.”
“Well, you’re in luck.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not a single guy. Because you married me. Remember that thing we learned in premarital counseling, about biblical roles? You know, between men and women.”
“I remember we spent one session on that. But I remember the outline was quite a few pages. What are you thinking about?”
“I’m thinking about what God meant when he told Adam that he was bringing Eve to serve as his helper. Remember what the pastor said about that not being what most people think? That God didn’t intend for Eve to be Adam’s little helper, like some junior assistant. By calling Eve his helper, God was pointing out how much Adam needed the help. And that was part of what God meant when he said it’s not good for man to be alone. You, my love, are not alone. You’ve got gifts, and I’ve got different gifts. And in this situation, my gifts can help you be able to do the things you told Ray you would do. And still have room in your heart to care about me and help me with this infertility challenge.”
He put his arms around her. “I like the sound of this helper thing. But I don’t see how you can fix my problem. I think I’m hardwired this way.”
“You are, on your own. But you’re not on your own. Not if you let me help you.”
“What do you have in mind?”
“I’m going to put on some coffee while you go up and change that sweaty shirt.”
He looked down at it. “I think I need a quick shower.”
“Even better,” she said. “When you come back down, I’ll have the coffee ready. We’ll sit down at the table and work out a plan. I think what you need is to make time compartments for these things.”
“Time compartments?”
“I’ll explain more after your shower. The idea is to block out time for the important things and actually write them into your calendar. That way they don’t sit around inside your head and clutter things up. We’ll figure out how much time you can safely give this orphanage project, and your job will be to live inside the boundaries we set. It’s like how we budget the money, only with time.” She reached up and kissed him. “Now go get your shower.”
“What about your nap?”
He released her, and she walked toward the kitchen. “I’m not tired anymore.”