33

Over the next two days, Michele and Allan talked and prayed about this issue. A lot. They hardly talked about anything else. Michele had confided in Jean but no one else. Not even her mom. She hated hiding anything from her mom, but Allan felt they needed to respect Christina’s wishes on this. Christina didn’t want to bring Michele’s mom into the discussion unless they felt pretty certain they were going to say yes.

Michele looked at the digital clock on the microwave then stood and peeked through the window to see if Allan’s car was coming down the alleyway. It was Saturday, but he’d gotten called in to work. She didn’t know why she was so nervous. Standing there, she thought back to their dinner conversation last night. Allan said he had been searching through the Scriptures for guidance but, for the most part, came up short. He found lots of verses that spoke of God’s willingness to direct their steps in general, which did encourage him. Several Scriptures reminded him how highly God viewed adoption, even using the metaphor of adoption to describe how Christians become his sons and daughters.

But Allan couldn’t find anything that helped him know for sure whether or not they should adopt Christina’s baby.

He’d concluded by saying, “I think this is something we’re going to hear in our hearts, not our heads. Like I said before, let’s both commit to really listen to the Holy Spirit over the next twenty-four hours, and ask him to give us both the same answer.”

So that’s what they did. They stopped talking about it the rest of the night.

Michele spent most of today getting caught up on housework, which kept her mind occupied. Throughout the day, though, she kept whispering little prayers, asking the Lord to make his will clear.

While she ate lunch, her mind had begun to wonder and dream. When Christina had first shared the idea, Michele was so overwhelmed that it hadn’t occurred to her how close Christina was to delivering her baby. Five weeks. That was all.

Which meant, if this idea was from God, Michele would have a baby placed in her arms five weeks from now. She would be a mom. Her torment would be over. On one level, the thought thrilled her. Imagine, not having to wait nine months for a baby but five weeks. Not waiting who-knows-how-long to get pregnant. For that matter, what if it wasn’t even possible for her to get pregnant? What if they learned one of them had some physical problem that shut the door completely?

But if this adoption opportunity was from the Lord, she and Allan could have a family now. Well, five weeks from now. But that was hardly any time at all.

This daydream of adopting Christina’s baby went on for some time. But it didn’t last. As much as she’d wanted it to, it just wouldn’t stick. She was more aware of this strong undercurrent in her heart that kept sweeping the images away.

Sometimes with a big decision, her mind would create a pros-and-cons list, and she’d involuntarily go over each side in her head. This wasn’t like that. It was like standing in front of a door you desperately wanted to open, but the knob just wouldn’t turn.

She heard a noise and looked out the window again. It was Allan; his car had just pulled into the garage. He’d called her on his way home. She had begun to explain things to him but didn’t get very far before he was interrupted by another call he had to take. He said they’d talk as soon as he got home.

“Let’s talk outside,” Allan said. “Seems like it’s cooled down enough.” He led Michele out to the covered patio. He was so glad to finally get to talk to her about the things going on inside him, but he was nervous at the same time. What if he’d heard wrong? What if he’d missed what God was telling him? The stakes were higher in this situation than almost anything else they had faced together.

As they sat, he reminded himself that they had prayed for God’s wisdom, for God to speak the same word to both of them. It was time for Allan to trust God and share what he had received and hear what Michele had to say.

“You look like you had a rough day,” she said. “Anything go wrong?”

“Not really. I think it’s just this adoption thing. It’s such a big deal. How’d your day go?”

“It was fine. Kept my mind occupied with housework.”

“So, does that mean you didn’t get time to wait on the Lord?”

“No. I had a good quiet time this morning after you left. Short but fruitful. I prayed off and on throughout the day. I kept waiting for, I don’t know, some powerful moment where the Lord would make it so clear, I couldn’t possibly miss it.”

“That didn’t happen?”

“Not exactly.”

“Did anything happen . . . to push you one way or another?”

“Oh yeah,” she said. “It was just a lot more subtle than I was expecting.”

He reached for her hands. “So tell me about it.”

“You go first.”

He really didn’t want to. What he had to say wasn’t good. Well, good wasn’t the right word. What if Michele had heard the opposite message? She seemed so vulnerable right now. The last thing he wanted was to cause her more stress and pain. “Do I really have to? I’d really like to hear what you have to say.”

“Allan . . . c’mon. You can just tell me. You’re the man. You’re supposed to lead.”

He took a deep breath. “Okay. But listen, if we didn’t get the same direction on this, you don’t have to—”

“Allan, just say it.”

“I don’t think we’re supposed to adopt Christina’s baby. There, that’s it. I can’t really tell you why. On paper, it makes perfect sense to say yes. There’s no good reason not to say yes. The first part of the day, for most of the morning, I was very positive about it. Whenever I had a spare moment to think, I’d daydream about how our lives would change if this happened.”

“I did too. Were they pleasant daydreams?”

“Oh yeah. I loved them. By lunchtime, I was sure the answer was going to be yes.”

“Then what happened?” A curious smile came over Michele’s face.

Her smile puzzled him. “Then . . . throughout the afternoon, I became aware of something else going on inside. I don’t know how to explain it. But it was like I felt this certainty that we shouldn’t do this. That we’re not supposed to. Then I found myself wrestling with that. But I couldn’t shake the certainty. And I realized, I wasn’t wrestling with the answer I felt God was sending but with what it would do to you. How much you’d be disappointed.”

Her smile grew slightly wider, and her eyes moistened.

“Then when I got in the car to come home, before I even started the engine, there it was. Not an audible voice, like someone sitting in the backseat. But almost. This thought came into my mind as clear as a bell. This isn’t the child I have for you. I don’t know how to describe it, but I knew instantly it was the Lord.” He choked up as he said the last part.

Michele’s eyes now welled up with tears. But Allan got the sense he wasn’t seeing sorrow. “So tell me your story.”

“It’s amazing. That’s all I can say. God is amazing.” She slid her chair back and stood. “I’ll be right back. I don’t know how I thought we could have this conversation without tissues.” She walked into the house, leaving the patio door open.

A few moments later she returned. “I had almost the exact same kind of morning. And almost the exact same kind of afternoon. It was like all the joy about doing this completely evaporated. Somehow I knew in my heart, it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Instantly I could tell, all those happy thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom in just a few weeks were just fantasies. And yet, instead of feeling sad, I felt total peace. Then you know what else happened?”

“What?”

“Even though I knew it meant Christina’s baby was not for us, it didn’t make me sad. Somehow I also knew there was something else God wanted me to know . . .” She could barely say the next part. “He has another child in mind for us.”