You Showed the Whole Country Your Bloomers for Nothing

We still didn’t have any water, but we had plenty of orange juice, so I decided to try an orange juice bath to wash some of the mud off. I don’t recommend taking an orange juice bath. For one thing, it made me really sticky. Everything that I touched afterwards stuck to me. At one point, I slipped coming down the stairs and Rose Blackwood had to peel me off the ground.

“At least you don’t smell like beans anymore,” she said with a smile.

“Nope. I just smell like a rotten fruit salad,” I joked, and we both laughed.

“Listen, Rose,” I continued, “I want to thank you for saving my life when you fired your gun and frightened the wild pigs. I remember what you said to Carl when you convinced him to return your gun during the battle at the bean factory. You gave up your only bullet to save me, didn’t you?”

Rose’s smile flickered. She looked at me with uncertainty in her eyes as she opened her mouth, and then closed it. I could see her having an internal argument with herself about whether or not to tell me the truth about her gun and its bullets, an argument which I could see was finally settled as she sighed and rolled her eyes. She looked like a kid who had just been caught in a lie, but was ultimately grateful that she wouldn’t have to keep up the lie anymore. She seemed both frightened and relieved. I could understand that.

At that moment I knew that I could trust Rose Blackwood.

“Yes, I did,” she said slowly. “It’s true. You and your family have treated me so well. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if I didn’t help you. Plus, I know you would have done the same for me.”

And she was right. I would have, and so would my parents. Though we began our journey as kidnapper and kidnapped, Rose had somehow managed to fit into my strange family in a way that no one else ever had before. I felt comfortable with her, like I had known her all of my life. And I no longer resented her for what she was doing because I could see that she was only doing it because she was a loyal person. She would have done the same for me if I were the one locked up in the Pitchfork jailhouse.

With all ten items in our possession, we were making our victory lap to Chicago. We were all too excited to rest, so we gathered together in the garage and watched as my parents flew the magnificent flying Baron Estate to victory. We flew over the California border and into Nevada—which, to tell you the truth, still smelled like beans to me—then we passed over Utah Territory—which didn’t really smell like anything—and then crossed the towering mountains of Colorado Territory. I had never seen anything as large and beautiful as the Rocky Mountains; I started to wonder if my parents and I could fly the Baron Estate there for a little family vacation once we’d finished the race. The peaks were all tipped with white snow. I wondered if it was as soft and fluffy as it looked.

“This is wonderful. We’re almost there. You know what? Aunt Dorcas should be here with us to experience this lovely moment,” M said as she continued to guide my father to Chicago.

My stomach flipped.

“Why would we get Aunt Dorcas? Are things too quiet and pleasant for you right now?” P asked.

“McLaron. She’s my sister. I want to celebrate with her.”

“I’ll go get her,” Rose said.

I quickly sprung up, tripped over my shoelaces, and then landed hard on my face. Rose used the end of a broomstick to peel my face off the ground, and then she helped me onto my feet.

“I’ll do it,” I said. “I mean, I’ll ask her if she wants to come down. You can all just stay here and enjoy the view.”

Rose thanked me and added, “And since we’re almost there, and since you’ve all been so wonderful to me, I think I’ll untie your parents a bit early.”

“Oh, that’s alright dear. We don’t want to be a bother,” said my mother.

“You don’t have to do that if you don’t feel comfortable with us being free,” my father said, and then he began to spin. “Wheeee!”

“I insist,” Rose said. “Thank you all for your help and kindness. I’ll never forget what you did for me.”

As she began to untie my mother and my father, I left the garage and made my way up the staircase.

I hadn’t given up my search for Aunt Dorcas. I still heard strange things at night, bumps and creaks, and once I heard a strange knocking noise that sounded as though it had come from outside. That could have been the result of the winds, the machinery that was helping to fly the house, or maybe it was a duck that just wanted to visit. I wasn’t sure.

I went into Aunt Dorcas’s room, which, of course, was empty. I pretended to have a conversation with her, speaking loudly in my voice, and then answering in a high-pitched voice in case anyone downstairs was listening. When I felt enough time had passed, I returned to the garage where my father was allowing Rose Blackwood to steer the Baron Estate.

“There you go! You’re a natural!” my father exclaimed. “What a great student you are. In fact, here.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a nifty cap. He put it on Rose’s head. It said “FIRST MATE” on it.

“Gosh, thanks, Mr. Baron,” said Rose as she blushed. “I’ve never been ‘First’ anything before.”

“Aunt Dorcas is tired,” I interrupted. “She wants to finish taking her nap. She’s still complaining about her knee.”

“Careful. You want to avoid those winds up ahead. And also that big group of ducks,” my mother warned Rose.

“What group of ducks?” Rose asked.

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

“Never mind.”

Rose, who really was quite good at flying the Baron Estate, flew us all the way back to Chicago. There was a huge crowd waiting for us at the Grand Exposition Fairgrounds, much larger than the crowd that had seen us off. It was a large celebration, larger than anything I’d ever seen before. There were musicians and jugglers and dancers and clowns and fire breathers and men on stilts, as well as people selling candy and cakes and pies and popcorn. I pressed my face to the window and watched with a huge smile as Rose began to lower the Baron Estate to the ground. She landed it smoothly and my parents both applauded her. Rose blushed as she curtsied, clearly not used to being applauded or appreciated.

I peeled my sticky face from the window, and we all rushed out of the garage to the front door.

“This is so very exciting!” said M.

“We’ll probably get our picture in the paper!” I said.

“I wonder if they’ll give us the money in cash or as a check,” Rose commented.

“Wait, where’s my horse?” P asked.

M opened the front door and all four of us posed proudly, expecting a hundred different people to be taking our picture.

Instead, there were sixteen deputy officers of the law standing there. They each had badges on their vests and guns in their hands.

“Alright, Rose Blackwood!” one of the deputy officers said. “Come on out with your hands up! We’ve got your floating house surrounded!”

“Flying house,” my father corrected.

Rose, who looked absolutely dumbstruck, quickly reached into her bag and pulled out her gun. She pointed it at the sixteen deputy officers who all immediately lowered their weapons. I noticed that Rose’s hand was shaking.

“Hold on,” one of the officers said as he held up his hands. “Don’t do anything stupid, Rose. Let the Baron family go.”

“No!” shouted Rose. “In fact, I think we’re going to leave. Mr. and Mrs. Baron, go back to the garage. We’re flying out of here right now!”

As M and P snapped salutes and prepared to return to the work garage, they were interrupted by a very familiar shrieking voice. It was a voice that none of us had heard in quite some time.

“Wait! Wait! Waaaaiiit!”

The voice appeared to be coming from under the Baron Estate. I looked down at the base of our house and saw the filthy head of Aunt Dorcas poke out from the crawl space. Her hair was a giant, poofy nest with sticks and twigs stuck in it. She looked as though she had just survived a dozen hurricanes. My aunt crawled out from under the house and stumbled over to the deputy officers.

“Don’t listen to her threats!” Aunt Dorcas roared. “That gun she is carrying has no bullets! She fired her only bullet back in California. Arrest her!”

I watched as the color left Rose Blackwood’s face. It was true. She had told Carl that her gun only held one bullet, and she had fired it to scare the wild pigs away from me when I was flopping in the mud. And she had confirmed to me that it was the truth.

“It’s true!” another voice under the house declared. “I heard her say so!”

I watched in shock as the sharp-nosed woman crawled out from under the Baron Estate, pushing her bicycle in front of her. I slapped myself on the forehead when I realized that the reason why she was able to travel so quickly was because she was actually travelling with us.

And then I regretted slapping my forehead, not only because it hurt, but also because my hand was now stuck to my forehead, and I couldn’t get it off.

“Dorcas? What are you doing under the house? Who is that woman?” my mother asked, looking incredibly confused.

“My name is Cutty, and I work with the state of Massachusetts sheriff’s department,” the sharp-nosed woman said. She reached into the basket of her bicycle and showed my mother a badge before continuing, “I’ve been traveling with Dorcas to make sure that Rose Blackwood wouldn’t hurt little Waldo Baron. We’ve been living underneath the house and also in the walls. I was waiting for the opportunity to take Rose’s gun away, but every time I tried, your son would stumble or fall and hurt himself. He is, quite possibly, the clumsiest boy in all of America.”

All eyes went to me. I tried to wave to everyone, but my right hand was still stuck to my forehead. I tried to pull my right hand off my forehead with my left hand, but then those two hands got stuck together, so I just stopped trying.

“How long have you been under the house?” Rose Blackwood asked Aunt Dorcas.

“Since the very beginning!” Aunt Dorcas bellowed. “The first thing I did when that awful woman captured us was sneak out of my window and hide underneath the house. Then I tied all of my bloomers together and used my talent for sewing to stitch a message across them stating that we were kidnapped by the horrible Rose Blackwood. I hung that message from the bottom of the house. I imagine these Chicago deputies spotted the message, which is why they’re here.”

“That’s true, ma’am,” one of the deputies confirmed as he tipped his hat to my aunt. “Thank you for the help.”

Aunt Dorcas continued, “Miss Cutty saw my message while we were flying over Massachusetts. She snuck under the house with me, and we’ve been waiting for the opportunity to capture Rose Blackwood ever since! Which we did, thanks to my bloomers!”

Everyone cheered, except for Rose, my mother, my father, and me.

The officers slipped handcuffs over Rose’s wrists. Rose looked over and saw a long string of dirty bloomers attached to the bottom of the house.

“But I don’t understand,” she said. “I saw you in your bedroom, Dorcas. We talked to each other. Several times.”

“That was actually the young Baron boy in disguise,” said Miss Cutty. “Despite the fact that he’s incredibly clumsy, he was actually quite clever and brave. If it hadn’t been for him, Rose would have noticed that Dorcas was missing.”

Everyone cheered again. Several people even began to chant my name. But I was as miserable as I’d ever been. Rose Blackwood looked at me in shock, as though she couldn’t believe that I would actually betray her. I had to look away. It was true that she had kidnapped us . . . but I still felt really bad for her.

I tried to peel my hands from my forehead again.

The man with the banana cart suddenly rushed onto the fairgrounds. He had all ten items from the list.

“Aw, nuts!” he cried when he spotted us. “I was so close!”

“Rose Blackwood, you are under arrest,” a deputy stated.

“Justice will now be served!” Aunt Dorcas cried triumphantly. “And we’ve also won the race! That’s why I put up with being trapped under an awful flying house! I told Miss Cutty that my family needed to finish the race. And now the five hundred dollars is ours! Hooray!”

As if on cue, one of the men from Hortense’s Tooth Powder cleared his throat and walked over to us. He had a very serious expression on his face. The entire crowd went silent as he climbed the front steps to the Baron Estate.

“I’m afraid that you have been disqualified,” he told us. “You were helped by a criminal, which goes against the rules. You aren’t allowed to break any laws or associate with criminals while participating in the race. You have lost. Giving you five hundred dollars would ruin the good name of Hortense’s Tooth Powder.”

“Hor-tense!” the other Hortense’s Tooth Powder men sang brightly as they waved their hands in a jazzy manner.

My family all gasped at the same time. And even though she probably hated us, especially me, Rose gasped as well. It didn’t seem fair. We had collected all the items the fastest, and we were the only ones to do so without resorting to theft or criminal behavior. The other inventors had broken dozens of laws, yet we were the ones being punished.

The audience was in shock, too. They were so shocked that they had fallen silent. The only person who wasn’t quiet was the man with the banana cart, who broke out into a joyful song and dance when he realized that he had just won five hundred dollars.

“We lost . . .” Aunt Dorcas choked as she dropped to her knees. “All that . . . I went through all of that . . . and we still lost. Do you know what this means?”

“Yes,” I said as I finally unstuck my hands and patted my aunt on the back. “It means you showed the whole country your bloomers for nothing.”