Titty could see Esther and Katjie from the window at her sink. In front of her house was veld where the boys played soccer and on the other side she could see all the way down the strip of occupied houses. If she leaned forward, she could see the foundations where the men had burned tyres last night. Beyond the foundations was the road to Dysselsdorp with its cars and trucks and, beyond that, the mountains, the Swartberg, hidden in low black cloud.
Last night, alone in the dark, she had stood where she was now, drinking wine and looking out the window, watching the tyres burn. She hadn’t opened the door to see what was going on, like everyone else. She just stood at the window and watched the flames and listened to the crying. The smell came in under the door and made Apie cough, but there was nothing she could do. He coughed, she heard him, and she watched.
Charlie hadn’t been home for two days. He said he was working at night, but Titty knew he was lying. He was cruising with other girls, drinking and dancing in shebeens. The party was better without her. Titty hated his lying and the smell of him when he came in. If it wasn’t for her, they would still be crawling into the pipe to sleep and washing in a bucket behind an outside curtain. Getting the house had been so hard but she had done it for him and Apie and now he didn’t come home. When she thought about it her nails dug into the dishrag she was holding. The sink was dirty and she was going to clean but then she looked at the rag and dropped it on the dishes.
Apie had slept through the commotion last night. Even her moving around hadn’t woken him and she had gone back to bed and lain next to him listening to him wheeze and cough until the room became lighter. When she opened her eyes, the child was sitting on the bed watching her, two lines of snot streaming from his nose into his mouth.
It was mid-morning now and Titty was still in her pyjamas. Her feet were bare and she felt cold. There was a pile of washing on the floor. The house had no furniture except for their mattress. In the front room Charlie had arranged old Coke crates in a circle where he and his friends relaxed and talked when they drank beer and smoked. There was no food and Apie had given up telling his mother he was hungry. She had left the door ajar and he had opened it and crossed the veld by himself to beg from the neighbours and Esther and Katjie.
Titty was irritated, but she didn’t feel like walking to the shop for bread. It wasn’t because she didn’t have money. The occupiers needed her water and Titty was happy to take their R5s for wine even when Liedjie looked at her with her nose wrinkled as if she was a stinking dog. She hadn’t eaten for three days but she wasn’t hungry. She just stood shivering, watching the road to Dysselsdorp from the window.
There were no trees in the new area and Titty thought about the pepper tree in Esther’s old yard. The anties used to sit there for hours, perched on their paint tins like two old vultures, skindering about everybody else’s business. Now she could see the two women, sitting in the sun, probably talking about her and how she didn’t take care of Apie with his snot nose and rattling chest.
She hated the way they sat together, so easy with each other. Katjie always stretched her legs in front of her and picked at scars and Esther was always laughing, throwing back her head and hooting, like she had something to be happy about. Sometimes Liedjie was with them, rolling curlers in her mother’s hair or doing the old lady’s feet. They were always busy with each other. They could enjoy the sun now but in the summer they would have to move into the shade at the back and she wouldn’t be able to see them. The sooner the better and then she wouldn’t have to watch them and wonder what they were talking about. Or who.
“I wish they was dead,” she said aloud. The echo of her voice in the empty house made her ears ring.
A pigeon scratched on the roof tiles, its krr-krr was gentle and she smiled. Outside someone shouted something about cooldrink and laughed. Titty wanted to sit in the sun and skinder and drink tea. She wished she was Liedjie so she could be Esther’s daughter. Liedjie was happy and relaxed and didn’t care what people thought. Esther laughed at her and smacked her on the backside as a joke and Liedjie slapped her mother’s hand away and smiled. She had seen them do that and thought it was strange they could be so easy with each other.
Titty thought about her mammie, left behind in Zoar long ago. She was a drinker. When she klapped it was hard and angry and not meant to be a joke. Those klappe had made Titty feel like her teeth were going to fall out. They were worse if she found something to klap with, like a stick or a shoe. When Titty thought about it, she wondered if her mammie really wanted to kill her children. There had been fourteen brothers and sisters with Titty lost in the middle. For a while she went to the farm school when the social worker complained and told her mammie she would send her to jail if she kept Titty and her brothers and sisters at home.
There was one time when a girl in the class had a birthday and the girl’s mammie bought 50-cent chips for everybody. The teacher made them sing “Happy Birthday to you” and the girl smiled shyly and was a big deal the whole day. Titty didn’t know the day of her birthday and, when she asked, Mammie said she couldn’t remember. For so long she was just a girl looking for food and asking others for clothes so she wouldn’t be naked. When the social worker said she must go to school the welfare bought Titty a shirt and blue skirt from Pep and that was the only time she had something from new.
The juffrou had been a kind lady who wore high heels and drove a car. She taught Titty to read and told her she was “very clever”. One day the teacher took her to Ladismith in her car and showed her the library. Titty couldn’t take books out because she didn’t have a birth certificate but she understood what her teacher was saying, that this was where books came from. Later, when she came to Oudtshoorn, she went to the library and the girl told her how she must get an identity book and then she could get cards. The girl was nice and helped her a lot.
In the end the books saved her. Getting the ID was difficult and she had to make an affidavit with the police to say her name was really her.
Now, as she watched Esther and Katjie relaxing in the sun, she thought about the beautiful stories from the library of boys who kissed girls and kept them safe for ever.
Titty’s mammie’s outjie liked his papsak. Every Friday, when the men on the farm were paid, he walked to the general dealer and bought a silver bag of wine. “It’s my luxury,” he told the children. They ran along with him because when this outjie was on the way to buy a papsak he was in a very good mood and sometimes he gave someone the R2 change. With a R2 a person could buy Chappies or heart sweets from the tuck shop.
On the nights the outjie drank, the children slept in the bushes, no matter how cold it was. After half a papsak he didn’t like children anymore but he and Mammie still made another baby. He was dead now, but not Mammie. Last time Antie Sanna was in Oudtshoorn she had come to the yards to find Titty and to ask for money for her mother. She was alive but hungry, Antie Sanna said, and Titty must help her. Titty gave Antie Sanna a R5 and she knew the old woman spent it in the shebeen on a paper cup of wine long before she went back to Zoar.
Antie Esther was the same age as Mammie and Antie Katjie was like her ouma. Once, soon after they occupied the houses, she walked over to talk to them, but when Esther saw her coming she stood up and went inside. She was left standing with Katjie who didn’t have much to say so she walked on, pretending she was on her way to the tuck shop. This wasn’t true. There was nothing else to do; she just wanted to reach out. Ag, anyway, she didn’t care about them or the kerksusters. She was fine by herself.
“I want peace and quiet,” she said. The words flew around the house, like a trapped bird, hitting the walls before falling into a corner, dazed and not knowing how to escape.
After they all moved into the new house, Titty thought she should look for a job. She would have liked to pack books back on the shelves in the library or sort out papers in a copy shop but she didn’t know how to apply. The only jobs she knew were to pick fruit on the farms or a domestic job with the whites. For good jobs the people wanted her CV and she didn’t have one. And then there was Apie.
“What do I put on a CV anyway?” she asked Charlie.
“Titty Malgas got Grade 4 at Amalien Stein Primary School in Zoar.”
“Is that it?”
“That’s it for you,” he said.
She thought she should put a line in the CV that said, “The teacher said I am very clever”, but then maybe a person giving a job would think that was showing off.
“Can I put in it that I like to read?” she said.
Charlie said that wouldn’t impress anyone. In the end she did nothing anyway. There was no point. Antie Esther wouldn’t look after Apie anymore because she was angry about the house and Titty couldn’t take a three-year-old with her to a job.
She thought about leaving him alone at home but then she felt bad. She wasn’t a bad mother like the anties thought. She loved Apie, it was just that she was still surprised when she saw him. She hadn’t wanted a baby like her mother with all those children. And then Apie came and that was it. Sometimes she forgot what being a mother meant. But at least her boy lived in a real house, even though Mr Louis only signed the paper after that day with his wet mouth and squeezing hands.
When she thought about it now, Antie Esther should just have given Mr Louis money and she would have been looked after with a house. Or Liedjie could have done what she did. It wasn’t a big deal.
What if she walked down there to sit with them now? They could watch Apie playing on the sand heap and laugh at his little stories. It would be nice. She saw he was back with a crust in his hand playing with stones in the dirt, pretending they were cars. His nose was always running. His clothes were filthy and she couldn’t remember when she last bathed him. When Charlie came home he would start with her again about the boy. A proper mother fed her child and kept him clean, he said.
“Why must I do it?” she screeched.
Charlie wouldn’t touch the boy when he was dirty and sick.
“Go tell your mother to bath you,” he would say, and the child would go to the kitchen and fetch the dishcloth and give it to Titty.
The black clouds were blowing in from the mountains and she turned away from the window and crossed the room into the bedroom. She dug through the clothes and shoes heaped in the corner and found a hidden plastic bottle of wine. Apie would be okay, she thought, it was a Saturday and the anties were around. She sat on the bed, broke the red seal on the bottle and put it to her lips. It was bitter and left an aftertaste but she closed her eyes and swallowed again.
When she woke up there was an orange glow on the wall and she wasn’t sure if it was morning or night. There were men’s voices passing and she thought they must be coming in from their work on the farms. Her head was sore and she wished she had coffee and sugar. Charlie’s CD player was on a cooldrink crate in the corner, his four discs were stacked neatly next to it. Maybe she should put on some music to wake up. Then she remembered there was no electricity. Charlie took the CD batteries with him to work so she wouldn’t waste them. She wanted to sleep again but she forced her legs over the side of the mattress and stood up.
Apie was lying on some dirty clothes in the front room and when she came in he didn’t look up.
“Apie?”
He opened his eyes and smiled at her. Titty kneeled next to him and touched his face and she knew he was sick. She shook her head, thick from sleep and wine, and fetched water in a cup from the tap. The boy took a sip and closed his eyes.
Titty felt weak and shaky but she pulled on a jersey and her tekkies and lifted the child off the floor by his arm. He fell against her and they stumbled but she stayed on her feet and instinctively his arms went around her neck.
When Esther opened the door and saw the wine-smelling, dirty girl holding the boy, all her anger left her. The boy was wearing a vest and shorts but even in the cold wind he wasn’t shivering and his lips were blue. Esther took a blanket off her bed and wrapped it around him. She wiped his face with a warm rag and she knew that what she saw was not good.
“Titty, we must take this boy to the hospital,” Esther said.
The girl nodded. Esther didn’t trust her to carry the child any further. She gave Titty her bag and picked up the toddler wrapped in the blanket and walked into the dark with Titty behind her.
To get to the main road they walked through the veld. They could flag down a taxi, Esther thought. If they were lucky, one would come quickly. Apie’s eyes rolled back and his breath was shallow.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Esther said.
That it had come to this. This stupid girl, so selfish and lost in her own world, didn’t deserve this beautiful child.
When they reached the road Esther passed Apie to his mother and stood out on the tarmac with both arms above her head to stop an approaching vehicle. It sped by and she jumped out of the way. This was difficult at night. Drivers couldn’t see them in the dark. Eventually a taxi on the way from Dysselsdorp to the rank in Oudtshoorn pulled over.
“Please, take us to the hospital,” she said to the teenage driver. He looked like a good boy, Esther thought, with his big smile and a gold tooth.
“Sjoe, Antie, is that boykie very sick?”
“Ja, please, you must take us to the hospital very quickly.” Esther gave him her only R20.
He took the money, flicked on his four-way flashers and roared the engine. As he drove into town he hooted, slowing then accelerating through red robots on the pull up to the hospital.
When they arrived, he looked into the back and waited for Esther to slide open the door and lift Apie.
“Mammie moet Mammie se baby oppas,” he said to Titty as she got out. But Titty didn’t respond. Instead of spitting at him like she would normally do, she fell on the pavement and stayed on all fours.
“Kom, Titty, get up now, keep yourself together,” said Esther.
She left the girl staggering to her feet and, holding the boy to her chest, ran to the entrance.
“Is okay, seun, we are here, boy. Antie Esther has got you,” she murmured.
He didn’t respond and in the bright light of the hospital foyer Esther saw his eyes were closed.
“Nurse, nurse, help me.”
A slow-moving woman in a too-tight white uniform pointed to a row of benches.
“Sit there,” she said. “The doctor is busy now.”
“Please, nurse, this child is very sick.”
“Ja, the doctor is coming. You have to wait there.”
When Titty came Esther passed her the boy and went to the counter.
“Antie, I am the admin person,” the nurse said with a sigh. “Don’t worry, the doctor is coming any minute.”
Esther wasn’t sure when Apie died. It might have been in the taxi or the hour they waited to see a doctor. There must have been a second when he stopped breathing and no one realised he was gone.
They took his body away from Titty and she stayed on the bench with the blanket on her lap. Her thin legs were bare, her black eyes blank and her lips broken and bleeding.
Esther didn’t know what to do. Eventually she stood up and took Titty’s arm, pulling her to her feet. They left when the birds in the wild fig trees in the hospital grounds were singing and the grey light outlined the mountains. There were no taxis so early on a Sunday so they walked down the hill past the shops and up the next hill, until they eventually passed the cemetery. When they came to the new houses, they cut in through the veld where they had stumbled with Apie a few hours before.
A light was on in Esther’s house and Liedjie was waiting for them. When they came in she put the kettle on. Katjie opened the door, her pink gown wrapped tightly around her, a stocking pulled over her head to keep the curlers in place. No one spoke. Katjie sat down next to Titty and picked up one of her cold hands, rubbing it between her own to get it warm. Liedjie set out the mugs and sugar and lit Titty a cigarette, which she put between her lips.
“Apie died from pneumonia, the nurse told us,” Esther said. “When he drew his last breath he was in his mother’s arms, next to her heart.” She looked at Titty, hoping that she would say something, but the girl was not hearing or seeing.
“We will make the funeral arrangements today,” Esther said to Katjie and Liedjie as if Titty wasn’t there. “This one is not going to,” she said, tilting her head towards the silent girl.
Liedjie stood up and held a mug of the sweet tea to Titty’s lips. Titty took a sip and swallowed.
Neville and Jaco were awake and they hung against the walls of the small front room, but when Neville looked at Esther, she shook her head. There was nothing he could do. Eventually he and Jaco went outside where Neville tore a piece of newspaper into a square, pinched a little tobacco out of the orange bag in his pants’ pocket and rolled it into a cigarette, which they shared.
“Jaco, you dress and go find Charlie. Tell him it’s time he came home,” Neville said.
When he was gone, Neville slipped off between the buildings so that Esther didn’t see him go and headed up the familiar path to the shebeen.
Liedjie washed the cups and filled the pot with water again and lit the gas. When it boiled she poured it into the plastic tub and carried it to her bedroom. She led Titty to the room and sat her down. Then she pulled Titty’s nightie over her head and took a rag and washed her face and then her body.
Titty allowed her arms to be lifted and her feet to be pushed into the bucket. Liedjie made her kneel and washed her hair too. Her body felt heavy but she tried to keep her eyes open.
“Slaap jy,” Liedjie said when she was finished and she touched Titty’s cheek. Titty closed her eyes and slept.