It had been a fitful night, lying alone in our bed, picturing Zoe, wondering where she was, whether she was cold, frightened, lonely… As dawn broke, I watched the light creep across the floor, my eyes scratchy from lack of sleep. I kept thinking: two days. My little girl had been missing for two days.
Stephen had been driven home an hour ago but refused to speak to me, instead locking himself away in his study. Carter told me that Zoe’s phone had been switched off since Saturday, meaning there was no way of tracing her using Stephen’s account. He wouldn’t give away any details of his conversation with Stephen, or why it had taken so long, but there had been no formal accusations, no arrest, no further progress on Zoe’s disappearance. I could only assume they had found something to do with money transfers to the Sarah woman he was having an affair with. I didn’t want to know the details right now. We had more important things to worry about.
Meanwhile, DI Carter had warned me about the media hype, but nothing could have prepared me for the onslaught of cameras and reporters that very quickly descended on the house. They had released a press statement in the hope that someone would recognise Zoe or that Zoe’s kidnapper would see sense. Carter had arranged for one news channel to have a private and personal interview with Stephen and myself.
As I put on the last of my make-up, readying myself for the interview, I realised what a fraud I felt and it made me sick. The face I was painting on now was not the face of our loveless marriage; this was the face I used for Robert. Stephen came up behind me and looked at me in the mirror.
‘Make-up?’
‘Yes,’ I said, avoiding his eye. ‘I thought I should put some effort in.’
When he didn’t say anything, I caught the questioning in his eyes.
‘Yes, I thought I’d better put some effort in,’ I explained dully. ‘Then I thought, if I put make-up on, does that make me look guilty?’ A single tear made its way down my cheek. ‘I mean, how is a mother, whose child is missing, meant to look? It feels like you probably can’t win either way.’
‘Yes, I suppose you’re right.’ He looked in the mirror, too, and ran his hand through his hair. ‘I suppose there’s no right way of doing any of this.’
We nodded simultaneously in a rare moment of mutual agreement.
‘I keep thinking, Stephen: what if I’m to blame?’ I wasn’t sure why I was opening up to him; maybe I was making the most of the peace. ‘You said it before, what if I missed something? What if you missed something?’
He stiffened and frowned. ‘Zoe doesn’t want for anything, does she?’
‘I’m not talking materialistically, Stephen.’ I paused and then, because he really did feel very much onside, I thought I would push him once more on earlier events. ‘What happened at the police station, Stephen?’
‘Nothing,’ he snapped, the openness in his eyes quickly disappearing.
‘Well, clearly it wasn’t nothing, as you wouldn’t have been asked to go.’
‘I already told you, they found out that I track Zoe’s mobile.’
‘And?’ I pushed.
‘And they wanted to know why,’ he said, matter-of-fact.
‘And why do you?’
‘In case anything should happen to her, I know where she is.’
I let out a long, shaky breath. ‘But it failed when we need it most.’
DI Carter called up the stairs, interrupting our conversation, to ask if we were ready.
I got up and plastered a smile on my face. ‘Ready?’ I looked at Stephen, and squeezed his arm briefly. I knew this was no time to argue: we needed to display a united front. I felt him flinch ever so slightly and I took a deep breath before we headed down the stairs.
DI Carter met us at the bottom. I scanned the living room for anything out of place. Since I’d known sleep would take a long time to come last night, I had started cleaning, even though nothing was in fact out of place. I walked over to the sofa now and plumped an already plumped pillow.
‘You’re not being judged,’ Carter said quietly with a small, encouraging smile at me.
‘I know.’ But the truth was I didn’t know; I felt more exposed and vulnerable than I had done in my whole life. I knew that if it helped find Zoe, it had to be done. It didn’t, however, stop the tide of panic bubbling up inside me. I looked at Stephen who appeared much cooler than me, but then he had always been able to contain his emotion with greater ease. When I realised the DI was watching me with concern, I felt the now-familiar lump rising in my throat. ‘I just want her back, you know? It all feels so out of control.’
Carter nodded and gestured for me to sit next to Stephen.
I sat, ensuring our knees were just touching, just enough to show affection but not too much. The reporter I recognised from the TV, and he nodded gravely.
‘I’m sorry to hear your daughter’s missing.’
I was all too aware of the brisk politeness in his voice but I nodded and smiled my gratitude.
‘Right, are you ready to start?’ he asked us.
We nodded in unison.
The cameraman was standing behind the reporter, who smiled at us. ‘So, first of all, tell me about Zoe.’
Stephen and I exchanged looks.
‘She’s in the sixth form at Burford College,’ I started, my mouth suddenly feeling dry, ‘and she’s sixteen.’
‘Yes,’ the reporter nodded and looked at Stephen for something more emotional, more sensational. ‘How would you describe her personality?’
‘She’s beautiful. Inside and out.’ Stephen’s face lit up for the first time since we had discovered she was missing, ‘She’s my world.’
The reporter smiled, happy. ‘Mrs Hall?’
‘Yes…’ I willed the tension to leave my voice. ‘She is exactly what Stephen said.’
The reporter frowned, looked at his notes. ‘And for Zoe to go missing like this, I assume it’s entirely out of character?’
‘Yes, of course.’ I spoke quickly. ‘We wouldn’t have called the police unless we thought so.’
‘She never ignores my texts, you see,’ said Stephen, ‘that’s how I knew.’
The reporter nodded. ‘Are you close to your daughter?’
‘Very,’ Stephen said quickly.
‘Mrs Hall?’ the reporter asked, and when I didn’t respond right away he continued, ‘We have been told by a source that Zoe was upset you hadn’t gone to her parent-teacher conference.’
Ringing started up in my ears and my palms began to sweat. This subject had been the cause of a major argument between Stephen and me last week. Zoe had had a parent-teacher conference just after half-term to assess how she had been settling in to her new college and to discuss careers and university applications. Stephen had been away for work and had asked me to go instead. I had been pleased, since I wanted to encourage Zoe to go to university. But that afternoon, I’d had a seminar that had run over, and then Robert had popped in to discuss… Who was I kidding? He had come to see me and, before I knew it, I was running late, and with the terrible evening traffic in Oxford, I had ended up missing Zoe’s meeting. Stephen had been furious. Zoe had been silent and narrow-eyed.
Another black mark against me as a mother. And to have missed my daughter’s meeting because of Robert… I had tried to talk to Zoe about it, but she’d just said, ‘It’s fine, Mum. Whatever,’ and closed her bedroom door. I looked up at the camera, guilt written all over my face.
Perhaps Stephen saw it, too, because I felt him shift next to me before standing abruptly.
‘What?’ Stephen stood, his face darkening. ‘I’m sorry, can you stop filming? This was supposed to be us asking for help in case anyone had seen her, not a character assassination on Channel Four News.’
DI Carter stepped forward and intervened. ‘I said you could have this interview as long as you played ball. Playing ball means sticking to the facts and showing everyone the picture of Zoe and the hotline number.’
The reporter put his hands up. ‘Okay, fine. We’ll edit it out.’
I stood shakily. ‘Look, can we just get this over with? Zoe is missing and I’m losing my mind here. We just want to get the message out there because…’ I held my hand over my mouth, choking on a sob, ‘we’re worried sick.’
‘Okay,’ the reporter nodded. ‘Like I said, we’ll edit it out.’
‘I’d like to stop doing this interview now. I don’t see how it’s helping, not if you sit there making accusations,’ I said.
‘How about a message to Zoe from you, Mrs Hall?’ He looked at Carter. ‘That was what was agreed, after all.’
I glanced at Carter who nodded at me and I sat again. Stephen moved off to one side and I could see a muscle in his jaw twitching. I was sure that I would be the one to feel the full force of his anger later on, when we were alone.
The camera started rolling again, and the reporter said, ‘Mrs Hall, is there anything you’d like to say to Zoe, if she’s watching?’
‘Yes.’ I looked right down the camera lens, my mouth moving to form words but unable to speak. I looked at my lap.
‘When you’re ready,’ the reporter said, prompting me, a note of irritation in his voice.
I brought my head up and exhaled, trying to assuage my nerves. Finding the lens once more, I started, ‘Zoe, darling, we’re so worried about you. If you can hear this message, please come home. If you have our daughter, please know…’ I hesitated, glancing at Stephen then back at the camera. ‘Please know how much you’re hurting our family. Bring her back, bring my daughter back.’
‘Great.’ The reporter nodded at the cameraman to stop filming. ‘Thank you for your time today, Mr and Mrs Hall, and I do hope Zoe is found safe and sound very soon.’
DI Carter walked him out and I was left alone with Stephen. He brought his hand up to turn on the overhead light and I jumped.
‘How could you forget her conference, Freya? How could you?’ He spoke quickly, fury flashing in his eyes.
I met his stare and swallowed nervously. ‘I know, Stephen. Trust me, I hate myself enough at the minute – I don’t need you to remind me about failings. Let’s not fight about this again.’
He ignored my plea, his words firing at me, clipped and cloaked in anger. ‘You know as well as I do that she was hurt. My guess is that Keira told this guy. You need to get your priorities straight.’ He looked at me with crushing disapproval and as if he were looking at a stranger.
I could hear my heart hammering in my ears. ‘How about you could have cancelled your work commitments in Asia to be there?’ I paused, knowing he was right: we had agreed that there was no point him cancelling his trip when I was at home. ‘I have my career, too, Stephen.’
Stephen raised a brow. ‘I bet Zoe wishes we could just be like her friends’ families. Normal.’
‘Whatever normal is,’ I muttered.
‘Our normal is this.’ He gestured around the beautifully furnished living room, now clear of reporters, equipment and policemen. ‘Our normal is this.’ He pointed at the now frameless photo of him and Zoe. ‘Once Zoe is back we both have to make more of an effort to be there for her. You were happy to turn your back on her years ago but I know you wouldn’t want to do that again.’
The humming started up again in my ears, and I was afraid I might faint.
‘Freya, maybe we should just tell Zoe about the adoption papers. Maybe it’s time.’
I shook my head vigorously. ‘No. Why does she ever need to know about that? It would only hurt her.’
‘Well, let’s start being there for each other.’
Folding my arms over my chest I walked from the room towards the hall, willing my body to stop trembling.
‘Of course.’ I nodded again and gathered my coat. ‘I’m just going to get some fresh air.’
‘Freya, there’s something you should know.’
I shrugged my coat on and waited.
‘The police have found some pictures of Zoe that you’re not going to like.’
My breath caught. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean they found images of Zoe naked, posing.’
I snapped my head towards him. ‘Why the fuck do you have photos of Zoe posing naked?’
‘Because she took them, Freya. I never wanted to tell you. I spoke to Zoe and she told me it was nothing to worry about…’ His voice trailed off.
‘And you took her word for it? When were they taken? When she was fifteen?’ I shook my head disbelievingly. ‘I mean seriously, Stephen, you have no right to question my parenting ability when you decided to brush this one under the carpet.’
Lies. I could no longer decipher what was true and what was not. Worse than that, I realised, a tide of guilt sweeping over me, I was as culpable: presenting myself as an honest, loving mother. My life was as much a lie as Stephen’s and Zoe’s. Our world was shattering piece by piece.
I moved past Stephen and out of the French doors, choosing to use the side gate. Looking both ways to check the coast was clear, I walked briskly down the alley that ran parallel to our house, keeping my head down.
‘She’s down there,’ I heard a guy shout and then a furore of noise and movement as the camera crews gathered their belongings to come after me. I looked briefly over my shoulder and began to run, the chilly late October air burning my lungs as I moved faster and faster through the familiar streets of Chilcote. After a couple of minutes, I stopped, catching my breath behind a tree in the park and checked once again. No one had followed. Instead, they would be waiting for me on my return.
I suddenly shivered, my skin crawling with goosebumps as I scanned the park. It felt as though someone was watching me. My eyes flitted from the bench to the trees, to the children’s play area. The swing swayed back and forth and the tree branches waved their gnarly, leafless fingers as the wind began to pick up.
I rubbed my eyes and thought how, only yesterday morning, I had been in Robert’s bed, and how his touch made me feel emotions I hadn’t felt in years. Now, my daughter was missing and I was trapped in a tangled web of lies, deceit and, simultaneously, lust.
I knew Zoe would be devastated to find out about my affair with Robert, but I knew it would be even worse if she found out that, in the pit of despair of my post-natal depression, in a fog of sadness that I can now barely remember, I filled out the forms that would begin the process of giving Zoe up for adoption. With hindsight, I cannot believe I could ever have given her up. I know Stephen wouldn’t have. But at the time, I believed that she would be better off with a mother who could love her and care for her in a way I could not.
When Stephen had found the papers, of course he had flipped. Quite rightly so. But instead of helping me, supporting me, suggesting counselling, he had called me unnatural. Things hadn’t been the same between us since. Little did he realise, or little did he choose to realise, how lonely I had felt, how isolated; how badly I had wanted to love her. If Stephen couldn’t forgive me for that, how could Zoe? Secrets were like poison, infiltrating every part of your soul, and rotting you from the inside out.
But I wasn’t the only one with secrets. I knew about his affair, but I couldn’t banish the thought that there was more to it than that. Why had Carter wanted to question him? Surely, it couldn’t just be because he was an overprotective father? What was I missing? What wasn’t he telling me? Then I thought about the farmer, Jerry Wyre, and the way he had looked at me, like he knew me better than I knew myself. Was this his personal vendetta, because I had confronted him over his inappropriate behaviour towards Zoe?
I needed to speak to Robert. Taking out my mobile, I found his number under ‘Student Admin’, pressed the green button and it started to ring.
‘Freya? Hey, I rolled over yesterday morning and you had gone. What happened?’
A barrage of pent-up sobs was released and it took me a few seconds to be able to speak at all. ‘It’s Zoe, my daughter. She’s missing. The police are at the house.’
‘Shit. Are you sure? I mean, she might have just stayed out? It’s the kind of thing teenagers do sometimes.’ There was an awkward silence. ‘Shit, I’m sorry, Frey, I don’t know what to say.’
I wanted to see him, I needed to feel his arms around me. I needed to feel confident, capable, like I mattered – and I only felt this way when I was with Robert.
‘I’m worried sick,’ I went on, wishing he would give me just a little bit more. ‘I thought you might understand. You’re the only person who really understands me.’ I started to cry again.
‘Aw, Frey, come on. Sorry,’ he said, his voice soothing. ‘I didn’t know you were that worried.’
‘The police are at our house and there have been developments.’
Again, that awkward silence. ‘Look, do you want to come here? Or meet up somewhere?’
‘No,’ I sniffled. ‘I need to concentrate on my family.’
‘Okay, but listen… I’m sure it’ll be okay.’
‘No, it’s not okay because I’ve lied to the police about my relationship with you and I think the detective knows something doesn’t add up.’
‘What do you mean? Look, like I said, she might have just decided to stay away for a bit. It’s the kind of crazy thing I might have done at her age to get my parents’ attention. Well,’ he paused, ‘it’s what I wanted to do, but I was too scared of my dad.’
‘Please, Robert, listen,’ I said, hoping he would understand the urgency. ‘I thought the same at first, but she’s been gone for more than two days, and something’s definitely wrong because she never ignores texts from her dad.’ I lowered my voice, my hand gripping the phone. I exhaled silently, looked up to the sky and waited for my words to sink in. ‘I’m terrified something’s happened to her, Robert. What should I do?’
‘Aw, Frey,’ he soothed. ‘What can I do? Do you want to meet up?’
I wanted that so badly it hurt but I shook my head. ‘No, I can’t. Not right now. It’s important I’m at home in case Zoe comes back or they hear anything.’
He remained silent and I wished he would speak. He’d never been like this with me before, and speaking to him hadn’t brought me the comfort I’d imagined.
‘Rob? You understand?’
A heartbeat later, he said, ‘Of course, Frey, your family comes first. I understand.’
***
I returned home and, as I had expected, I was mobbed by the news crews.
‘Mrs Hall,’ called one woman, ‘is it true you don’t know exactly when Zoe went missing? That neither you nor Mr Hall knew until yesterday?’
I caught the woman’s eye and said, ‘No comment,’ just as I had been instructed, but I was caught in a fresh wave of guilt.
DI Carter whisked me inside as I approached the back doors.
‘Mrs Hall, where the hell have you been?’
‘I needed air.’ I looked at him. ‘Anyway, it’s not like I’m under arrest now, is it?’
‘No,’ he conceded, ‘but for your own safety and to protect you from them’ – he indicated the reporters – ‘I’d suggest you stay inside.’
I walked past him and took my coat off in the hall. He followed me and, when I glimpsed my bag, I thought of all the essays I was supposed to be marking this weekend. I stopped suddenly. How could I be thinking of work at a time like this? What kind of mother was I? My cheeks reddened.
‘Mrs Hall,’ Carter started, ‘I want to talk to you about those photos Stephen mentioned to you. It would appear Zoe took more only on Thursday this week.’
I didn’t move and he nodded sympathetically. ‘I’m not here to judge you or your family, Mrs Hall. It would appear that there are more photos of her…’ He paused. ‘Taken before she went missing. Can I have a word with you and Mr Hall in the kitchen? I think the photos may contain a clue.’
A ripple of panic had started to make its way through my body; my throat was closing up and my fingers fingered the sides of my jeans. ‘What kind of clue?’
He gestured for me to enter the kitchen. Stephen was already sitting at the table, his head in his hands. He looked up, his face pale and tired, when I joined him and stood by the table.
Stephen’s lips twitched. ‘Like I told you earlier, she had some photos taken of herself.’
I could hear a humming in my ears. I moved towards the nearest chair and rested my hand and weight against it. ‘Go on.’
‘She’s naked in them.’
‘What?’ I could barely manage a whisper.
DI Carter pulled a seat out and sat me down.
‘I set up a safety feature through her mobile phone, so that every time a photo is taken, or whatever, it goes up into her cloud, and then downloads a copy automatically onto my laptop, into a file I’ve made, called Zo,’ Stephen went on. ‘Like I’ve told you. But there’s more.’
I sat with a thud. ‘Why is she naked in these photos, Stephen?’
‘Well, initially I found out she was using some social networking app and that…’ His voice disappeared into thin air.
‘Initially?’ I said, suddenly disbelieving. ‘You make it sound like you’ve known for some time.’ I had had a gut instinct a few months ago when he kept asking me if Zoe was acting differently. Why had it taken me this long to realise he had been holding back on me? I knew why, and I felt the guilt and shame roil in my stomach.
‘Yes, I’ve known for a couple of months. I thought it was best I dealt with it,’ Stephen said as though it was the most natural thing to have done.
‘When you say, she was using a social networking app, what do you mean? Who was she chatting to?’
I felt sickened by the thought of men, maybe boys, talking seductively to my daughter. Why hadn’t I checked her phone myself? Why hadn’t I done more to protect her?
Stephen brought me back from my reverie. ‘Freya, did you hear me? I said she was chatting to a guy.’
I whipped my body round, engaging Carter’s gaze.
‘Well, then, maybe that’s who’s got her. This guy. Some pervert off the Internet.’ I pressed my lips together momentarily and looked up at Carter. ‘I presume you’re looking into it.’
‘Of course,’ replied Carter, unfazed by my ridiculous question. ‘We’ve got all the details of Zoe’s account on the app and the company involved are doing as much as they can to help us. But what I wanted to tell you both is that we’ve uncovered some perhaps disturbing revelations.’
‘Such as?’ I wasn’t sure what else they could tell me now that could be any more disturbing.
‘The man in question on this app was literally just chatting. We’ve looked back through reams of conversation.’
‘What are you suggesting, Detective?’ I rose unsteadily from the chair. Needing to keep myself busy, I grabbed a glass and ran the cold water, and unthinkingly filled it until it dribbled over the edge, the water hitting my hand. I wondered if I could take one of my pills without anybody noticing. Switching the tap off, I turned back to him. ‘Detective?’ I prompted.
‘Zoe offered to take her clothes off for this forum user. The person in question said “no”, and yet…’
‘Yet what?’ I took a step towards Carter.
‘Yet, she did it anyway,’ Stephen said quietly.
‘As soon as Zoe posted the picture, the man cancelled his account,’ added Carter.
I looked back at Stephen, and watched my husband’s face pale further. ‘You mean, she wasn’t in any way groomed, she just…’
‘It looks like she might have taken her clothes off voluntarily, that is correct,’ Carter said. ‘We’ve tracked the man down. My colleague is questioning him as we speak. So far, though, we can’t get anything on him.’
I couldn’t bear to hear these things; my daughter was slipping from my grasp as it was, and now my belief in my daughter’s innocence was being sullied, too.
I knew then that Stephen and Carter were waiting for me to speak. How could I have become so out of touch with Zoe that I hadn’t known she was sexting and sending naked photos of herself to strangers? I lived under the same roof and yet it was as if DI Carter was talking about someone else’s daughter.
‘Mrs Hall?’ Carter prompted.
‘I can’t believe Zoe would do that,’ I said quietly, unable to meet his eye.
‘I’m afraid we have evidence to the contrary.’ He paused. ‘What we need to figure out is why Zoe was posing naked, and if she was using any other apps or sites.’ He now looked at both of us in turn. ‘Did she seem different recently? You know, at all out of character? Quite often when this sort of behaviour starts, the loved ones, although it’s painful, do have to admit that their child was acting a little out of sorts.’
I glanced at Stephen. ‘Yes. She was acting differently. That’s what I said to you, Frey, on the phone, didn’t I?’
I looked at him blankly.
‘When I phoned from the conference, I said to you that I was worried about her, didn’t I?’ He rubbed his unshaven cheek. ‘Because I know she’s had a lot on her mind of late.’
‘Such as?’ Carter urged.
‘She’s been worried about completing her project for her film studies coursework. She has to produce a short film with Keira but she told me she’s finding it hard to concentrate on it.’
‘She didn’t mention why?’
Stephen shook his head. ‘I was hoping to talk to her about it this weekend.’
‘Mrs Hall?’ Carter brought his gaze to rest on me.
‘I thought she was fine,’ I said hurriedly. ‘I mean, just a bit of a moody teenager, but now I really think about it, yes, she was a bit distant.’
‘Did she ever try to talk to you about any problems she may have been experiencing?’
‘After the parent-teacher conference disaster last week, I wasn’t exactly in her good books,’ I said. ‘When I called her on Friday about her staying at Keira’s she didn’t answer so I left a message but she never got back to me. Unless…’ I suddenly remembered the phone ringing in my office on Friday evening while Robert and I had been making the most of the fact that everyone else had gone home already. The display had said the number was unknown, so I had let it ring. Now that I thought about it, I was sure the caller had left a voicemail that I had never checked.
I now realised, my heart hammering in my chest, that it might have been Zoe. I had ignored my own child. I had desperately tried to pull Robert’s fumbling hands away from my shirt but he had pushed me firmly up against the filing cabinet causing books and files to fly everywhere.
‘Someone tried to ring me,’ I said quietly. ‘On Friday. I was on my way out and I didn’t recognise the number so I didn’t pick up. Maybe it was Zoe? I have to get back to my office now! What if it’s from Zoe telling us where she is and she thinks we’re not coming for her?’ My voice had risen an octave or two as I started hyperventilating.
Carter furrowed his brows. ‘Why would she call your office phone and not your mobile?’
I had no idea. I felt suddenly deflated. Of course he was right. The message was most likely from a colleague or a student.
‘Thing is,’ Stephen said, ‘Freya and Zoe aren’t very close. She’s probably made out they are but they’re really not.’
I stared wide-eyed at Stephen. ‘How dare you!’
‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it? I’m just trying to give the detective an accurate portrayal of our family life.’ He looked at me, his stare challenging. ‘We talked about this earlier and I think it’s best we tell the detective everything now, don’t you?’
A ball of hard, knotted anger twisted roughly in my stomach and I could feel adrenaline pumping around my body. I clenched my jaw. ‘I have already told the detective that Zoe and I aren’t that close, but that I love her with all my heart.’
‘We’re close,’ Stephen addressed Carter, who nodded. ‘That’s why she confided in me about the school project, because she knows I’ll listen.’
‘What did you talk about earlier?’ Carter asked, his gaze piercing the top of my head as I exchanged a brief, furtive look with Stephen. If he told the detective, I knew there was no hope of keeping it a secret from Zoe.
‘I…’ I started. ‘I thought about putting Zoe up for adoption when she was first born. I wasn’t coping.’
Carter pursed his lips. ‘Do you think this might have anything to do with her disappearance?’
‘Only if she’s found out but I don’t see how she could have,’ Stephen said quickly.
I nodded, guilt wracking my body, tears streaming down my face. I wiped my nose with my shirt sleeve. ‘I never meant to do it. It was like another woman had taken over my body. I thought Zoe deserved more.’
Stephen put his hand on the small of my back. ‘Freya, please.’
‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it?’ I glared at him. ‘You know that’s what I kept telling you but to this day you still think I’m uncaring, that in some way I don’t love Zoe as much as I should.’ I slammed the table with the flat of my hand. ‘I love her, Stephen, just as much as you and you will not make out otherwise.’
‘I’m sure that Mrs Hall does get on with Zoe and loves her very much,’ Carter offered in what I could tell was the most neutral voice he had to offer. ‘Sometimes children find it easier to confide in one parent but it doesn’t mean they don’t get on with the other.’
We nodded simultaneously like children receiving a moralistic lesson.
I knew, absolutely, that it was imperative I got to the office and listened to the voicemail, to see whether it was from Zoe.
Then my mind froze with panic; images spun through my head of the mug Robert always used, the whisky he hid in my filing cabinet, the sexy underwear in my locked drawer, and goodness knew what else. I needed to erase all evidence of Robert from my life, to hide our relationship from the police. I had to protect my family from further hurt and betrayal. After all, it was my responsibility as Zoe’s mother never to let her out of my sight and, having made the mistake once, when she was returned to me I would not make it again. I could not have Zoe come home and find out my dark secrets. Of course Robert wasn’t involved in Zoe’s disappearance because I had been with him on Friday night, so there was no harm in maintaining the lie that I had been here, at home, instead of taking advantage of a student half my age in sexy, black-lace lingerie.
I looked at Carter. ‘I need to go to my office to check that message.’
‘I’ll get someone to run you over there.’
I glanced downwards. ‘Can’t I drive myself?’
‘Well, as I say, your safety is our concern.’
I tensed. ‘Fine. I’ll be ready in five minutes or so.’
‘Frey, you’re going to the office today?’ Stephen’s forehead creased. ‘Our daughter is missing and you can focus on work?’
‘I’m not going to work, I’m going to check that message to see if it’s Zoe.’ I knew that wasn’t the only reason I was going, though. I guess Stephen knew me better than I thought, after all. ‘I might as well pick up some reading for next week’s lecture while I’m there. I need to do something with myself,’ I said, tears brimming. ‘Otherwise I think I will go mad.’
I excused myself and made my way upstairs, Stephen watching my every step as I left the room. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. It was crazy. I could just tell Stephen everything, but wasn’t my family going through enough? I didn’t need to bring any more to our door. Our focus was Zoe: not me, not my relationship with Robert. But there was no point rocking the boat unnecessarily. I imagined the police finding out about me and Robert, telling Stephen; the thought was unbearable and I knew with a greater level of certainty than ever before that I needed to remove all evidence of Robert’s existence from my life.
I picked up my bag and checked my phone before going down the stairs. There was a text message from Keira.
‘Can we talk? Have something to tell you. Am in the library.’
My breath caught and my fingers flew over the keys. ‘Of course. Am on way to office.’
Then I remembered the police escort.
‘Police accompanying me,’ I wrote, sending it in quick succession.
‘Hurry! Not long b4 Mum will get suspicious. C U @ your office.’
I nodded. If she needed to talk and this was her only opportunity, I would just have to find a way of making it work.