With more resolve than ever, I phoned Keira’s mobile – I had asked Zoe for her number in case of an emergency – and asked her to meet me by the river in Oxford, away from the prying eyes of the cameras and police.
‘Please, Keira,’ I found myself begging.
‘I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Mrs Hall.’ She paused. ‘Sorry.’
‘Keira, you gave me a video yesterday which you clearly wanted me to see so I think you owe me at least a chance to talk to you. Tell me why you insisted I watch it.’
I could hear Keira’s mother calling her in the background.
Keira dropped her voice and I put my finger in my other ear in an attempt to hear her. ‘…Ever since Zoe went missing, Mum’s not letting me out of the house. In case something happens to me, too.’
‘What if I can assure you it won’t?’
‘You can’t do that.’
‘I’ll make sure nothing happens to you, okay? I’ve let my daughter down; I won’t let you down, too.’
After a long pause, she agreed. ‘Listen, I’ll tell Mum I have to go to the library and I’ll meet you outside the Westgate Centre in an hour.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, truly grateful.
I started the walk towards the shopping centre that housed the city’s public library. As I walked through Oxford’s perennially busy streets, my eyes scanned the faces in the crowd for Zoe. I shivered despite the October sunshine and checked over my shoulder repeatedly for a sign that someone was watching me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t alone.
My phone buzzed and, on seeing it was Robert, my heart lifted.
‘Hey.’
‘Freya, you sound breathless,’ Robert said. ‘Where are you?’
‘Just walking to clear my head, why?’ I paused.
‘No reason. Listen, I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I know you’re just worried about Zoe.’ He sighed. ‘I guess I just hate to think you’re going through this without me.’ He paused. ‘But you need to trust me. There’s nothing going on between me and Anne, I promise.’
Why couldn’t I shake this anxious fluttering in my stomach?
I knew it was more than some strange jealousy; for some reason, I couldn’t remove Zoe from the picture. I sighed, defeated. I must have been mixing up my worry for Zoe with this dangerous affair I was having. The pressure of keeping it from Stephen had been bad enough – but now I was lying to the police as well. No wonder I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.
Maybe I had finally come to realise that I was too involved with him. He could only ever hurt me. He was young, had his life ahead of him; I wasn’t sure what I had in my future, but it was very, very different.
‘Look, maybe you should be seeing her instead of me.’ I pushed the lump in my throat down. ‘Anne, I mean. If you like her then that’s good, that’s healthy. Don’t you think?’
‘Freya,’ Robert warned. ‘I’ve told you a million times… We’re just friends.’
‘I imagine she’s very nice,’ I insisted. Nice? I shook my head, realising how old I sounded.
‘Freya, for fuck’s sake, stop this! You’re being totally paranoid.’ He sounded warm, genuine. I think I was hanging on to the idea of him with Anne because I couldn’t bear for that ankle to have belonged to someone else… ‘I love you, Prof. Nothing else matters.’
I smiled despite myself; he had a way of making everything easier to cope with. I realised I really did need to see him; I needed the comfort he could bring me. The comfort Stephen couldn’t.
‘I’ll come by your place soon. Is that a good idea?’ I stopped, my eyes brimming with tears, his kindness threatening my resolve. ‘Or we could meet somewhere.’
He hesitated. ‘I’ll meet you somewhere. I’m sure I can find you.’
I looked around me. ‘In Oxford? It’s quite a big city.’
‘Look, just go and do whatever you’re going to do and I’ll find you.’
‘Okay,’ I said, the warm glow giving way to a gnawing anxiety.
‘Freya, I’ll come and find you, okay?’
My eyes flitted left and right, drinking in the faces of the people around me, drawn to the shadows of shop doorways.
‘Where are you, Rob? Can you see me?
‘How could I see you? We’re on the phone!’ He said a quick bye and the line went dead.
I spun around, convinced I could feel his eyes on me. Sweat formed on my forehead and upper lip, my breathing grew ragged. Stuffing my phone back in my bag, I looked at my watch. I needed to get to the library, speak to Keira. I moved forward and pounded the pavements hard and with purpose. As I rounded the corner to the Westgate Centre, I was unbelievably happy to see Keira already outside. The familiarity of my daughter’s best friend somehow made me feel strangely safer.
‘Hi, Keira.’ I smiled at her as I approached. ‘Thank you for meeting me. Shall we walk and talk?’
‘I’ll take you somewhere Zoe and I go when we want to hide away from the world.’
I nodded vigorously, tears filling my eyes once again. ‘Yes, I would like that very much.’ I so desperately wanted to feel near my daughter.
Keira made a beeline for the Covered Market, and when we emerged from the other side, she continued on, and didn’t let up the pace until we hit South Parks Road and the entrance to the University Parks. We didn’t speak, perhaps saving our conversation for later or, from the way she walked, with a sort of skittishness, I think she, too, felt nervous and wanted to feel safe before she could open up.
Eventually we arrived in a part of the park, behind LMH College, which I had never seen before. This side of the park had a high, red-brick wall running down to the River Cherwell and Keira moved towards a door in it, which had pale-blue paint flaking off. She looked both ways then pushed it open and nodded at me to follow her. Once I was inside she closed it again.
We sat on a rickety bench in the corner, the weak autumn sunshine finding us despite the high walls.
‘Like I said, this is where I used to come with Zo.’ She glanced at me. ‘This is where I keep coming back to since she went missing.’ A tear ran down her cheek and she brushed it away in frustration. ‘God, I haven’t stopped crying. I keep coming back here, and I pray every time I open that door that she’ll be sitting on the other side.’
I nodded, a lump rising in my throat. ‘What is it? Is it part of the park?’
Keira took a cigarette from her bag. ‘Do you mind, Mrs Hall?’
I went to say something but at this point I couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. I shook my head instead.
She lit up and took a long drag. ‘I guess so. We’ve never seen anyone in here. Probably because they see the door and think they can’t go in.’ She laughed. ‘It was Zoe’s idea. She thinks like that. She said, ‘If no one thinks they can go in there then they won’t, but we will and it’ll be all ours.’ She called it reverse psychology or something.’
I smiled. ‘Yeah, that definitely sounds like Zoe.’ I had never heard Zoe talk like this, so I had no idea whether it sounded like her or not. But I wanted to know, I wanted to be the kind of mother who rolled her eyes and laughed and said ‘that sounds like my Zoe’. If Keira noticed, she didn’t say anything. I watched her blow the smoke from her lips in a surprisingly graceful way. ‘Does Zoe smoke?’
Keira narrowed her eyes and then she smiled. ‘Yeah, Zoe introduced me to smoking.’
I nodded, suddenly feeling like maybe I didn’t want to know, after all. It felt like I was having to get to know my daughter through Keira, and I knew that Keira was all too aware of it.
‘What did you want to see me about, Mrs Hall? I haven’t heard from Zoe, if that’s your question. I’ve told you everything.’
‘No, I wanted to know about that video.’
‘Have you given it to the police?’
I nodded. ‘I had to, I had no choice.’
Keira didn’t say anything momentarily. ‘No, I suppose not. Do you get why I wanted you to see it first?’
‘Well, yes, in that there’s a lot of stuff on there that’s, um…’ I thought about it, choosing my words carefully. ‘Uncomfortable to watch.’ I shrugged my coat off, starting to feel too warm in the gated garden. ‘You mentioned Zoe appearing angry that day.’ I tried to keep my voice level. ‘Do you know why?’
‘No, I don’t.’ She stubbed out her cigarette on the ground with her trainer. ‘But I do know she felt like you were ignoring her.’
I nodded, guilt surfacing once again, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek.
Keira picked at the split in the knee on her skinny jeans. ‘Last week some time Zoe and I were here, actually. She was acting a bit odd.’
‘Odd how?’
‘Like talking all mysteriously.’
My heart quickened. ‘About what?’
‘She said something about following in your footsteps and how…’ Keira stopped abruptly.
‘Just say it, Keira.’
‘That if she ever had a daughter, she wouldn’t encourage her daughter to follow in her footsteps, not like she’s followed in yours.’
I jerked my head in surprise. ‘Zoe? Follow in my footsteps? If she’s looked to anyone, especially of late, it’s her father.’
Keira nodded. ‘Yeah, okay, she finds it easier to talk to Mr Hall but I think she sometimes finds him a bit full-on.’
I pulled a face. ‘Hmmm.’ I glanced at her. ‘Did she say anything else?’
‘No, that’s what I mean; she was really vague and strange that day.’
‘When was this?’
‘On Monday afternoon. She went to some doctor’s appointment and then we met up here after college to plan our film project.’
‘Doctor’s appointment?’ I sat up straight, my body strung out with sudden tension.
‘Yeah, didn’t you know?’ Keira screwed up her nose. ‘She told me you were taking her?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I didn’t know anything about a doctor’s appointment.’ I nibbled on my lower lip. ‘Christ. How could I not have known about something like that? She didn’t mention what it was for?’
‘No, and I didn’t ask.’
‘You said she wasn’t feeling well on Friday – was it the same thing?’ I looked at my nails. This was much more serious than missing a parent-teacher conference. How could I not have known? Had Stephen known? Had he taken her? I looked at Keira. ‘I know you think I’m a bad mum, Keira, but I’m doing my best. I guess I’ve just been so wrapped up in…’ I paused. ‘Stuff.’ I thought of Stephen and my desperate need to escape him and run into the loving arms of Robert.
Keira was still watching me. She tapped the cigarette box on the arm of the bench.
I eventually broke the silence. ‘Tell me about the Truth or Dare game. Is it just for fun or is it for your college project?’
She nodded. ‘Well, like I said to you when we were in your office, we’ve been playing that game since we were, like, thirteen or something. Only, of course, as you get older the truths get harder to answer and the dares get more dangerous.’
I swallowed hard. ‘So you dared her to…’ I chose my word. ‘Talk to Jerry Wyre?’
Keira hung her head. ‘Yeah, that was my dare, but I never expected her to do it and I certainly didn’t dare her to, you know…’
‘Flirt with him?’
‘Exactly.’
‘So what did you expect her to do?’ I brought my hands together in a tight clasp, feeling suddenly nervous.
‘I expected her to tell me the truth.’
‘What was the question?’ I let out a slow, shaky breath.
‘I asked her if she could sleep with a guy, who would it be?’
‘And?’
‘As I say, she didn’t answer and chose to do the dare.’
‘Surely,’ I said, fighting to keep in control, ‘you two talk all the time, she would tell you stuff like that?’
‘You’d think so.’ Keira brushed angry tears away. ‘I thought we told each other everything, but then she changed. A few months ago she got all secretive about stuff, and I’ve often felt like she’s not really here when we’re talking.’
Panic scratched at my throat and my hand involuntarily rubbed my neck. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, it’s like she’s so worried about stuff, and angry all the time.’ She looked at me. ‘Surely you’d noticed? Unless she’s only like that with me.’
‘Oh, no, no, Keira. I noticed,’ I lied. ‘She has changed a lot recently.’ I thought about what Stephen had said, how he had noticed she was quieter. How had I not noticed these things?
My mind was running at high speed with images of older men – the ones she’d been messaging on the social networking site.
Keira suddenly grabbed my hand and I looked at her, surprised. ‘Zoe just wants you to love her.’
‘Love her?’ I shook my head with sadness. ‘God, I love her so much. I wish we were closer. Did she question how much I love her? Is that why you’re saying that?’
Keira withdrew her hand, remained silent.
I couldn’t bear the thought that Zoe was out there somewhere and thinking I didn’t love her. Why hadn’t I told her? Why hadn’t I shown her more affection? At this moment, here in the park, where Zoe had clearly spent a lot of time, I felt further from my daughter than ever.
‘Thank you for the video, and for telling me that stuff.’ I stood and Keira got up, too. ‘It has opened my eyes.’
She nodded.
As I was speaking, a thought occurred to me. ‘Why did you lie to the police about keeping a copy?’
‘Because…’ Keira looked at the ground, scuffed the toe of her trainer in the gravel.
‘Because what, Keira? You wanted me to go to the police with it?’
Keira looked up quickly. ‘No, no.’
‘Well, why then? You want to get Zoe into trouble? Why, Keira?’
I could feel an invisible wall coming up between us and I knew that, if Keira was going to be honest with me, I had to keep her on side. But it was too late. I watched as the previous openness in Keira’s face disappeared.
‘Do you know where Zoe is?’ I asked and grabbed Keira by the shoulders, squeezing them tightly. Too tightly.
‘Ow, you’re hurting me.’ She shrugged me off and picked up her rucksack. ‘No, I don’t fucking know where she is. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. It’s no wonder Zoe hates you so much.’ She looked me in the eyes. ‘I know about you and that student, about Robert. What kind of mother are you that you can sleep with someone who’s, like, closer to our age?’ She pulled a face.
I hung my head, unspeaking, tears burning my eyes.
‘Did you tell Zoe?’ I asked, too afraid to hear the answer.
‘No, I didn’t.’ She paled with anger. ‘I saw you two the night Zoe disappeared. I was actually coming here, wondering if Zoe might have made her way here, too, since she had bunked off college. Then I see you walking down the street with that guy. You couldn’t keep your hands off him.’
Inwardly, I smarted. Had I had my hands all over him? I couldn’t remember that, but I knew I had felt more relaxed with him on Friday night than normal.
‘There’s nothing going on,’ I said, looking up. ‘He’s one of my DPhil students; I’m helping out with his research. He’s a bit behind.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Please. I saw you through the restaurant window; no way is he just your student.’ She stopped momentarily. ‘You want to know if Zoe knows about you and that guy, why don’t you read her diary? Didn’t stop you before.’
With that, she turned on her heels and walked fast towards the door. I watched her exit the enclosed garden and I sat, suddenly feeling more alone than I ever had before. What had my life come to that I was sitting in a park by myself having been told that my own daughter hated me? Once I had started crying, I couldn’t stop. My shoulders shook uncontrollably and, as a cloud moved over the sun, I shivered, and drew my coat around my body. I closed my eyes and spoke a silent prayer to Zoe, telling her how much I loved her, how I would do anything for her. The sun came out again and I took it as a sign that she had heard me. Deciding to make the most of my freedom, I closed my eyes again, the sun warming my skin. Another shadow moved across its path and I slowly and reluctantly decided it was time to move.
Then I saw his shoes. Robert was standing above me, the sun creating a sort of halo effect around his head.
‘Frey,’ he said smiling. ‘I found you.’
I jumped and, trying to pull myself together, I sat up straight. It was impossible to ignore the sound of my heart drumming in my ears. ‘You scared me.’ I gave him a small, shaky smile back. ‘Were you following me?’
‘I told you I’d find you. Budge up.’ He gestured to the bench and I shuffled to the side.
‘I should probably go,’ I said, trying to let go of his hand, hoping he hadn’t noticed how sweaty my palm was.
‘I thought you were coming to find me anyway. Now I’ve saved you the bother.’ He tilted my face towards his using his forefinger. He was so gentle it caused tears to form, once again, and I held my breath, willing myself not to cry.
‘Oh, Frey, come here.’ He drew me into him and I clung to him, despite knowing it was wrong. I inhaled the scent of cologne and soap from his skin and allowed myself a second’s respite from the craziness of reality.
I allowed my body to melt into his but as soon as an image of Zoe flashed into my mind, I felt myself tense and disentangled myself.
‘Oh, Frey. What’s up? I hate seeing you like this.’ His voice was ridiculously kind. I didn’t deserve anyone’s kindness. ‘So,’ he said and met my gaze, ‘who was that you were talking to?’
‘Just a friend of Zo,’ I said quietly. ‘Her best friend, in fact.’
‘Is she okay? She must be finding it tough. She looked pretty distraught.’
‘Yeah.’ I thought about our parting words, about her knowledge of my relationship with Robert, but something prevented me from telling him. A niggling doubt about Robert’s controlled calmness was eating away at me, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. It then occurred to me that, in some sense, I was drawing some comfort from the fact that he hadn’t known who Keira was because that seemed to me to confirm he didn’t know Zoe either. My irrational fears about him and Zoe, and the tattoo she probably didn’t have, were finally laid to rest.
He nodded and tightened his hold on me. His embrace was firm, caring, almost claustrophobic. I felt my pulse skip a beat but I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly feeling on edge again.
‘As much as I don’t want to, I really should get back. The detective thought I was just popping into the office briefly before heading home.’
‘Why would he think that? Where had you been?’ He raised a brow.
‘He took me to the police station. He wanted to speak to me. Ask me a couple of questions.’
‘What was he asking you about?’
I glanced at him. ‘That girl you just saw, Keira, showed me a video of Zoe behaving… well, behaving badly. A while back she had told me that this older guy had made a pass at her, so I went and told him in no uncertain terms to stay away from my daughter. But now it seems the video tells a different story about what was going on.’
‘What was going on?’
‘I don’t know what to believe. But if it’s not true, it’s a pretty extreme lie.’
‘Obviously I don’t know your daughter,’ he soothed, ‘ but when you’re young you sometimes do and say things to get attention.’ He smiled. ‘I remember once telling my mum I had shoplifted. She inevitably went mental and then I had to tell her it was all a lie. She asked me why I came up with such a far-fetched story and I told her’ – he paused, kissing me on the top of my head – ‘that I just wanted her to pay me more attention.’
I felt the onset of a pounding headache. ‘What did she say to that?’
‘She was shocked and upset. Naturally, I suppose.’ He squeezed my knee. ‘But it was all fine in the end.’
‘And your mother, did she pay you more attention after that?’
‘Yes, she did, and maybe I shot myself in the foot because, not only did she pay me more attention, she totally ruined any street cred I had by picking me up from school every day and so on.’ He let out a short laugh. ‘Be careful what you wish for!’
‘You see,’ I said, growing emotional again, ‘I should have been there for Zoe. I thought I had sorted it by confronting the guy but now I’m wondering if it was actually a cry for help?’ Huge, salty tears slid down my cheeks and landed on my lip. ‘God, it’s taken Zoe going missing for me to realise how bad a mother I am.’
Robert let out a long, slow breath. ‘It’s my fault. I should never have persuaded you to spend quite as much time with me as you have been. The thing is,’ he paused, his eyes dancing, ‘I’m bloody addicted to you, woman. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.’
‘You’re twenty-five!’
He put his hand up. ‘Let me finish. I want to help you find Zoe. I want to because I love you and maybe one day,’ he smiled at me, ‘maybe one day we can be together and Zoe can stay with us. Hell, she could live with us if she wanted to! We could have this’ – he moved his hand between us – ‘all the time. Imagine?’
My eyes widened. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes.’ He took both my hands. ‘I love you, and I can’t stand to see you suffering like this.’ He looked at me with such tenderness, I thought I could literally feel my heart breaking with happiness.
‘I’d love that,’ I said quietly. ‘I’d love it even more if Zoe could accept me. Accept us.’
‘She would!’ He grinned. ‘She will!’
‘I love your certainty about life. It’s only when you get to my age you don’t have such a positive outlook.’
‘No…’ He took both my hands now and drew me to my feet, his eyes searching mine. ‘Now you don’t have a positive outlook because you’re not treated as you should be by your husband. I get it.’ He nodded. ‘You’re scared of the what ifs, of the unknown, but I can assure you I will stay with you for as long as I live.’
I sniffed back more tears. ‘I just want Zoe back safe. I would give up everything for that.’
He nodded. ‘And she will be back, I feel it.’ He smiled at me and kissed me softly on my lips.
I returned the gesture and for the briefest moment I remembered why I needed Robert in my life.
‘Listen, I don’t want you to get upset and worry,’ he said, his mood growing serious. ‘I wasn’t sure whether to show this to you or not…’
‘What? What is it? What are you talking about?’ The anxious feelings had returned and the bliss of his lips on mine disappeared just as fast.
He felt around in his back pocket. ‘So, someone put this through my door, back at my house. I found it on my way out, and I think somebody must have seen us and put two and two together.’
I snatched the piece of paper he held in front of me and read, the words swimming before me.
STAY AWAY FROM FREYA HALL
Hysteria surged through my body. I was so shaken I found myself letting out a high-pitched moan.
‘Freya?’ he asked, frowning, drawing me into him. ‘Listen, like I said, I’m sure it’s just someone causing trouble, a student who’s got a crush on you… or maybe Dr Jenson? You’re always saying how she’s been after your job since she joined the department.’ He looked down, and wouldn’t meet my eyes when he offered his final suggestion. ‘Maybe your husband found out.’
‘Don’t be silly. If Stephen knew, he wouldn’t send you a note. Can’t you see what it means?’ My voice cracked with stress. ‘It means someone definitely knows about us.’ I thought about Keira, but why would she have sent this if she had been planning to confront me face to face? But who was it? ‘It means, Rob, someone knows about us and isn’t happy.’ My hand was shaking as I gripped the note.
‘Well, do you have any idea who might know about us?’ He studied me, deep concern etched across his features. ‘Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have shown this to you.’
‘No, I’m glad you did. I need to take this to the police. I think it’s that farmer, the guy I confronted about making a pass at Zoe. Who else could it be?’ My legs had gone weak and threatened to give way. ‘What if he has her, Robert? What if he’s done something awful to her?’ I buried my head in his chest, wishing the ground would swallow me up, take me away from it all.
‘Okay, well the best thing, as you say, is to take this note to the police.’
I nodded. ‘Yes, I’ll go now. I need to take it to the police. I’ll have to tell the detective about us.’ I thought about the broken home Zoe would be returning to if the detective told Stephen. We were basically over anyway – after our last argument, it was hard to see how we could patch things up even for Zoe’s last two years at home. But there was still the fact that, if it became known I was sleeping with a student whose DPhil I was supervising, I would likely face a disciplinary hearing; I might even lose my job. Robert could sense my hesitation.
He took a step backwards. ‘I thought you said it was Stephen who cared about appearances?’ He paused. ‘But maybe, in fact, it’s you.’
He turned to go and I grabbed his arm. ‘Robert, I could lose my job, my research grants. It’s not about Stephen.’
‘Which is worse, losing your job or your daughter?’
I hung my head. ‘Of course Zoe’s more important. Of course I’m going to take it to Detective Carter.’ But I couldn’t help feeling sick at the thought of losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve – my career, my reputation, my funding. As had become so crystal clear to me over the past couple of days, my job was the only thing I was good at.