“DO YOU THINK ALL THE MEN here know how good looking they are?” Sheila asked as we took in the view from our table at the Piazza Bellini in Naples. This is a place where you could O.D. on infinite variations of bedroom eyes. Top it off with delizioso pizza, sfogliatelle, and the spontaneous theater that bombards you as you wander through Naples’ lively markets and you’ll be won over by the vibrant soul of this city.
The idea of stepping out of such fun into a place called the Museo Archeologico Nazionale may sound like a buzz kill, but get over it. Even here, the Neapolitan ambience—a mix of classic beauty, deep sensuality, and naughty humor is inescapable. One memorable visit, the flirty guy at the ticket booth kept me waiting as he took bites of a huge chocolate torta, then held it out to me, insisting I have a taste. It was a perfect start for a couple of rich hours.
Here are just a few highlights of this amazing place:
The classic stars of the museum’s ground floor sculpture collection are Hercules and the Farnese Bull, but I’m always drawn to this enticing Venus. She’s posed lifting up her robe and turning to peek at her rear end. The statue is a Roman copy of the Greek Callipygian Aphrodite (Venus to the Romans) that was found in Syracuse, Sicily.
There’s a good story behind this behind.
Two Sicilian farm girl sisters were fighting over which one had the better rear. To settle the feud, they ran to the road, lifted their skirts, and asked a signor passing by to be the judge. He chose the older sister’s rear, fell in love, and ran back home to tell his brother all about it. The brother decided to head out there and judge for himself—which he did, and chose the younger sister’s behind. These guys were from a wealthy family, and their father tried to marry them off to rich girls, but they refused to give up on the sisters with the beautiful buttocks. And so those lucky farm girls ended up marrying money.
In gratitude they built a temple in Syracuse and dedicated it to Aphrodite Callipygos, because in Greek calli means beautiful and pygos means buttocks. A Sicilian cult grew around the temple, with many coming to worship at the statue, hoping that they would receive good fortune from those buttocks, just as those farm girls had.
The Callipygian Venus statue here in this museum was considered so pornographic in the nineteenth century only privileged men on the Grand Tour who paid were allowed to have a look at it. Notice how those beautiful buttocks got smudged by all the kisses they received from her admirers.
Upstairs you’re going to love the mosaics and frescos from the villas of Pompeii, Herculaneum, and Stabia. Especially four small beautiful frescos from Stabia, where Medea, Flora, Leda, and Diana delicately float in pale blue and green backgrounds. There are also frescos from the Temple of Isis (the Egyptian mother goddess), whom the Romans worshipped, where a deep Pompeii red backs enchanting ornamental designs and dramatic figures.
And you definitely can’t miss:
Women weren’t officially allowed to enter this room until the year 2000. Men’s logic was that the weaker sex shouldn’t see displays of what they labeled pornography, dug up from Pompeii and Herculaneum in the eighteenth century.
What did they think females would do if we saw such things as Pan screwing a she-goat or Zeus frolicking with a naked maiden? Was it all those penises in so many shapes and sizes that the fellas feared would make things dangerous?
Now even kids are allowed in to see the frescos and vases here that are painted with scenes that bring to mind the Kama Sutra, with a strong emphasis on doggie-style positions. When they were first discovered, it was believed these objects came from Pompeii whorehouses, as the town of 40,000 people was known to have 400 brothels. But eventually the racy scenes and objects were also found in the remains of noble villas, where the images must have added inspiration to the grand banquet-orgies of those days. Some are ancient jokes. Such as a fresco of Pan, that lusty God of Shepherds, lifting up the skirt of a maiden and discovering “she” has a penis!
As for the abundance of penises—made into wind chimes, oil lamps, and gigantic ones hanging off dwarves—they were fertility symbols used to bring luck, like our garden gnomes. It all started with Priapus, the Greek god of fertility, whom the Romans also worshipped. They put statues of him in front of their homes and a stroke of his penis as you walked by insured your good fortune.
Priapus was the son of Aphrodite (Goddess of Love and Beauty) and Dionysus (God of Wine and Sexual Ecstasy). Hera (Zeus’ wife) cursed Priapus when he was in Aphrodite’s womb, condemning him to ugliness and impotence. When Priapus was born looking like a freak with a huge erect penis, Aphrodite was horrified and threw him down to earth from Mount Olympus, where he was raised by shepherds.
Everywhere Priapus with the three-foot shlong went, animals started humping each other and plants sprouted up, which is why he became known as the God of Fertility. The irony was that he was impotent, which understandably frustrated the poor guy, so he ended up being ornery and couldn’t even walk because of his permanent hard-on. Since he couldn’t visit all the fields in person, farmers made statues of Priapus which were eventually pared down to his most prominent feature.
It’s rare to be in a museum where jaw-dropping beauty, sex, and laughter blend together so well. But this is Naples, after all.
Museo Archeologico Nazionale: Piazza Museo 19, daily 9-7. Closed Tuesday, www.museoarcheologiconapoli.it
TIP: To avoid waiting in line, you can buy tickets in advance through the museum website.
Golden Day: Spend a couple of hours in the Museo and take a break at the nearby Evaluna Libreria Café (Piazza Bellini 72), a wonderful spot for spritz and people watching. For lunch or dinner in the nearby historic center, Antica Osteria Pisano is an excellent choice for Neapolitan classics in a cozy dining room (Piazzetta Crocelle ai Mannesi 1, 081 554 8325, closed Sundays, www.osteriapisano.it).