Chapter 12

Kayla practiced breathing exercises on the darkened stage behind the curtains when Julia, of all people, came up to her. Wearing a reserved smile, she said, "I just wanted to wish you every success tonight, Kayla."

Kayla responded with a sincere thank you but was at a loss as to how to view Julia. Every time they'd spoken, the delicate, pretty young woman seemed shy. But she now also viewed Julia in the context of Jake, and she couldn't help but uncharitably think that Julia was just the type to wait in the wings for him.

She absentmindedly watched as Julia walked through the slit between the scarlet velvet side curtains. Her parents were there, and they hugged her. When her parents stepped back, Kayla's breath hitched. Jake was there, waiting for his turn to hug Julia. A storm of feelings she didn't have time to examine threatened to take over, and Kayla tried to chase it away, but it refused to pass. Jake knew Kayla was part of Second City Symphony, too, so why would he attend a performance with Julia's family? Could he be that insensitive? Couldn't he have waited at least a month? They'd slept together less than two weeks ago!

Kayla forced her eyes shut and desperately went through every breathing and relaxation exercise she'd ever learned. Grasping at something positive to think about, to take her mind off what could potentially ruin her performance, she focused on the one thing she knew would make her play her best despite all she was feeling. Her father.

As she breathed, she let memories of him wash over her, knowing she could play powerfully if she believed he was somehow there, in spirit. She swallowed hard, knowing how proud he would be. When she opened her eyes, she pictured him sitting front and center, wearing his old, good suit and tie, smiling wide, more excited than she. Kayla wiped at a tear with her sleeve, knowing he was with her, sharing in both her triumph and sorrow.

When she looked around again, the entire orchestra was seated. It was time.

As the curtains went up, a memory of her standing on her father's feet as he taught her to dance came to her, and she smiled, remembering what unconditional love and trust felt like. When she began to play, in her mind, she and her father were waltzing in their kitchen to the orchestra's music.

* * *

Jake watched from above as Kayla played. Her hair was swept back, and he gazed at her downcast eyes and the soft set of her mouth, something like nostalgia surrounding her, as lost in the music as she ever was. He knew a strong impulse to wait for her after the performance, to hug her and tell her how proud he was. And to thank her. She'd spoken to Peter the blogger, anonymously, and had corroborated his statement. It had made the whole thing a non-story.

When they announced the intermission, she looked up and met his eyes. And her expression was so cold, and so disapproving, that he felt all warmth disappear and ice settle in his stomach. He'd never seen her look like that. She wasn't happy to see him. That much was clear. They'd decided to stay away from each other, and, for the first time in his life, he'd been the weaker person.

Not about to take a hit from anyone, not even Kayla, he looked back at her, his jaw set, his eyes just as cold. He'd thank her though Jess, and forget about her.

* * *

The following morning, hell broke loose in Jake's campaign. Photos of him at his house with both Julia and another woman had surfaced and lent fire to reports that he owned a "love shack," and didn’t know a thing about long-term commitments.

When Kayla's name came up as a possible candidate for his mystery woman, Tania provided her sister with a clever alibi. She'd simply scoffed, and said her sister had spent the weekend practicing, which was true.

Jess quickly got to work to get Julia and the other woman, Candace Stiles, an interior decorator who specialized in Victorian homes he'd once consulted, to issue statements denying intimate relationships. But Mrs. Stiles could not be reached, and even Jess seemed to doubt Jake's story, telling him that it wasn't anyone's business anyway.

Throughout the day, thoughts of what Kayla was thinking tortured him, but he didn't know how to reach out to her. The night before she'd looked at him as if she never wanted to see him again, and that had been before today's breaking news.

Now the fact that he'd been at the concert with Julia's family only added fuel to past and present rumors of a relationship between him and Julia. Was that why Kayla had been upset the night before? Did she know about the past rumors? Or was it because she suspected he'd gone to see her when they'd agreed not to see each other?

Everything was messed up. His feelings for Kayla had gone from an attraction he could understand to something raw and sweet and painful.

All week long he'd found himself acting out of character. Instead of his usual, laser-like focus, he'd been staring off into space. He convinced himself it was his conscience telling him he had to set things straight. So at the end of the endless, exhausting week, Jake impulsively grabbed his phone and looked up the number of the only person who could help him decide what to do.

* * *

Kayla's life was a whirlwind of events. Between concerts scheduled at different venues and ensemble engagements, her life was a blur of trains, buses, performances, and rehearsals.

"Hey, uh, how are you feeling about all the hoopla surrounding Jake Kelly?" Michelle gently greeted her one morning.

Kayla took a sip of coffee before lying. "I don't care. I told you, it was only my body that was infatuated. Besides, who has time to think about stuff like that?" For her, there was always time to feel. She was just busy enough to repress the thoughts.

She had brushed off the question, but she could see that both Michelle and Simone, who was standing behind Michelle, were acting funny. Simone awkwardly handed her that morning's paper and pointed to a picture. Kayla gawked at a tiny image of Brandon, playing his saxophone on stage. The headline read: "Kayla Diaz's Boyfriend Breaks his Silence."

Kayla coughed up her coffee and quickly scanned the so-called story. Brandon had told a reporter that he and Kayla had broken up over Jake shortly after Chicago SummerDance, that she had basically admitted to him that their break-up was because of her feelings for Jake and that he was sure Kayla was the mystery woman in the blurry Thanksgiving weekend photo. Kayla felt a rush of hot anger.

But Brandon had insisted the interview take place at the club where he played, and that they interview him after he'd played his set. The reporter felt his so-called story seemed more like a ploy for publicity than a real scoop. It offered her some relief, but she hated that her name was still out there. She'd never asked for any of this.

At least she no longer cared what Brandon thought. She'd run into him and Carrie in her neighborhood that very week, since the pair were no longer in hiding, and it hadn't bothered her one bit, even when Brandon had clearly been trying to flaunt their relationship. Kayla felt bad for Carrie because there was an insecurity to her that Brandon would likely exacerbate if she didn’t watch herself. She decided to find the time to become friends again.

Brandon and his lies didn’t bother her now that she knew what real heartache was. She kept catching herself waiting for the interior decorator to go on record. Part of her needed to hear a denial that matched Jake's, and it made her feel weak.

"Um, we weren't sure if you'd read it, but just in case, we thought it would be better if you got it from us than from some stranger on the street," Simone explained, interrupting Kayla's wandering thoughts.

She folded her friends into a quick hug and said, "Thanks, guys, and I'm sorry I seem out of it lately."

On Friday, Kayla finally had the afternoon off. Robbie asked her to come down and help him at his dance studio, and she was relieved to have an outlet to her restless energy. In fact, there was nothing she wanted to do more than dance.

The weather had varied greatly that first week of December, and that Friday, in particular, was brutal. Kayla nearly froze her butt off during her short walk to Robbie's studio. She entered, put her stuff down, and pulled her coat closer to her body while she walked around to get warm. The lone sound of her heeled boots clicking on the hardwood floors began to grate on her, and she stopped pacing, peeled her coat and gloves off, and wondered where Robbie was. She looked up at the mirrored front wall at the sound of the back door opening, expecting to see Robbie's reflection.

She was stunned when Jake walked into the room instead, his leather-gloved hands fixing the collar of his long, elegant coat, his expression as remote as ever. He stopped and watched her. For a long time, neither spoke.

It took all Kayla had to hide her emotions. Seeing him there so unexpectedly, his powerful blue eyes gazing at her in such a serious manner, his handsome face set in stone, all she could think about was how badly she wanted him to gather her in his arms, smile warmly down at her again, promise her he cared for her, and that everything else was a lie.

The yearning came from a place so deep she had to look away. Completely overwhelmed, it took that most inconvenient feeling at that most inconvenient moment for her to figure out that she was in love with Jake Kelly. And the grim way he was looking at her... There was no way he wasn't about to hurt her.

It helped her fuel her helplessness into anger. At herself for being so stupid, at Robbie for deceiving her, and at Jake for looking so unfeeling when he had to know she was already hurting. "Robbie tricked me? So we could meet?" she broke the silence, her voice shaky.

Jake nodded. "I needed to speak to you in person, and I asked him to help me out."

"And he did. I'm here. What do you have to say to me?"

He nodded again. "I wanted to thank you for anonymously giving Peter your side of the story, and I wanted you to know that I didn't lie to you. When I told you I had never brought another woman to the house, what I'd meant, what was important, was that no one had stayed there with me, that there had never been... a lover. Julia's an old friend, and she only came to give me her opinion on the house before I bought it. The other woman was an interior decorator I'd requested a quote from, but we never made it through the entire house because she was pushing her husband’s renovation business on me as well, and I wasn’t interested in that."

He was saying everything she badly wanted to hear, but why did he have to look so aloof and remote? And why were the explanations so convenient? He'd said he'd never brought a woman to the house. But he had. She'd once told him things weren't always black and white, but sometimes they were. She shook her head. "Why did you feel the need to tell me this in person?" she asked. "You could've told me through Jess, or even through Robbie."

He hesitated before saying, "I know we agreed that the weekend wouldn't amount to anything, but I don't want you thinking I lied to you, either." Wouldn't amount to anything. She'd agreed. She'd insisted. But not because it hadn't meant the world to her. It was because it had. But to him, it had been nothing special or out of the ordinary. The words came back and hit her right in the solar plexus. She put her hand to her chest. When she didn't answer, he began to pace. "I don't like loose ends, and I don't want you thinking I tricked you into being with me, or anything along those lines."

Kayla blinked. Loose ends? She gave her head a quick shake. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm not going to pile on to the bad press by telling people you tricked me."

"What?" His eyes burned into hers. "That's not what I'm worried about!"

"Then what are you worried about?"

"Your feelings, Kayla! I'm worried about your feelings."

"My feelings?" She looked at him in disbelief. If he'd been worried about her feelings, he wouldn't have told her best friend that their time together wasn't special or out of the ordinary! But she couldn't betray Jess. "If you were worried about my feelings you would've smiled and asked how I was when you walked in instead of staring me down as if I was a difficult task you were trying to figure out how to tackle! No, Jake. You're not worried about my feelings. You said it yourself, you're worried about loose ends. And all I'm telling you is, you've got nothing to fear from me. Our weekend won't come back to haunt you."

Jake's eyes flashed. "It's too late for that!"

"Guys!" Robbie walked in and glanced quickly between the two of them. "This was supposed to be a discreet meeting, but I can hear you in my office."

Kayla looked down and worked to gather the frayed edges of her nerves. "It's okay. He wanted reassurance, and I gave it to him. We're good. And I really have to get going." She turned and made her way to the door.

"I came in here because it didn't sound like you were doing 'good' at all," Robbie called to her. "And it's not like you to walk away."

Jake scoffed. "It's exactly like her. When things get real, she runs away."

Kayla whirled. "Really, Jake? I've lost count of the times you've accused me of being overly emotional, and now you say I run away from my feelings? And you, who couldn't even admit that you remembered me when you saw me again after SummerDance, you, who nearly had a stroke over the figurative use of the word forever, and who now feels our time together is haunting your campaign, you're the one being real?" Kayla demanded.

Jake's face turned to granite. He looked at her one last time, the expression in his eyes unreadable, before walking past her and leaving.

Robbie gave her a tired look. "I don't think he meant what you thought he meant when he said it was too late for the weekend with you not to haunt him, Kayla." She stared at Robbie but was too emotionally spent to understand what he was saying. He pulled her close and hugged her to him. "What at am I going to do with you?"

"You know what Jake told Jess about our weekend together. I wasn't about to betray her, but it was there, between us." She held her breath to hold back tears.

"Maybe Jess took it out of context. Why else would he have come here if he didn't care?"

Kayla became so choked up, she was having trouble breathing. "Because I'm a loose end. And don't tell me I'm taking it out of context. That's the excuse every spin doctor out there puts out, even I know that. And I believe coming here is called damage control. Words come out of his mouth, but he never really says anything. And his face when he walked in! It was so cold. He was so cold. And I'm not, Robbie. I'm not. I love him. And I don't want to." And to her mortification, she began to sob.

Robbie began to murmur calming sounds into her ear until her tears subsided, and she was hiccuping. They stayed like that a long time. "I wish romantic love could be like ours. Warm and easy and comfortable and comforting. I thought it could." She sniffed.

He smoothed her hair. "It can be all this and more, Kayla. But the emotional stakes are higher and more intense. There is a risk, and there are no promises. It comes down to deciding that the possibility of the highs are worth risking the lows."