It’s late spring and classes have ended. I have navigated five college campuses, exploring with faculty, staff, and students many aspects of the first year. The experience has been exhilarating—and exhausting. I feel like a rising sophomore myself! I have one last task, which is to once again visit Phoebe and Nathan, the Mamaroneck High School students who, ten months ago, were heading off to Tufts University for orientation. I want to find out what they learned and how much they have grown over the year.
This time we all meet at Phoebe’s home. Both families are sitting around a large table in a breakfast nook just off the kitchen. Whereas last time, they didn’t really know each other and sat together silently awaiting my arrival, now they are engrossed in animated conversation. They have clearly become part of the larger Tufts community. Phoebe is wearing the same Tufts sweatshirt she did for our first interview.
Did Nathan and Phoebe’s first year of college measure up to their expectations? “Yes!” they both reply. Nathan says that one of the things he discovered is that independence has its responsibilities. “Sure, no one is breathing down your neck like in high school,” he says. “And professors really don’t care if you blow off their class. But if you’re irresponsible—if you neglect your studies—you pay for it big time.”
Phoebe makes the same point but in a slightly different way. She says that in college you can be absolutely selfish. Get up when you want to. Go to bed when you want to. Eat when you want to. Go to the gym when you want to. You can just focus on yourself. But then you’re responsible. You can no longer blame your parents if you screw up.
Was college as perfect as they thought it would be? Nathan says that going in you think that college will be absolutely wonderful, but his first weeks at Tufts were hard. He missed his friends and his parents. But then he realized that the situation wasn’t going to improve by itself. “I had to make college wonderful,” Nathan says. “It took me some time to do this.”
Phoebe agrees. “Everyone says that college will be the best years of your life,” she says. “Well, hello. College won’t necessarily be the best years of your life.” Phoebe shares a comment by one of her professors who told her class that if they live to be eighty, four years in college will represent a very small percentage of their entire life! “There’s going to be ups and downs,” Phoebe says, “so don’t stress out if things aren’t perfect. You did well in high school. You made it into college. Now just enjoy college for what it is.”
After they’ve agreed that they have finally discovered independence from mom and dad, I sheepishly ask them whether they didn’t sometimes wish that they still had their parents around to tell them what to do. Weren’t they a little homesick? Phoebe says no. She was too busy at Tufts with soccer and studies to be homesick. She pauses and then says, “Well, maybe I got a little homesick around finals week.”
Nathan claims with a sense of pride that he did really well without his mom always telling him what to do. He was able to mix and match his wardrobe without her help, got the laundry done, and had no major breakdown. “I survived!” he says. But Nathan was homesick in two ways. “When I was at college I was sometimes homesick for my family. But after a couple days visiting at home, I got homesick for Tufts!”
How often did Phoebe and Nathan actually come home to visit their families? Phoebe came home a lot, but not only to see her parents, she says. She has a high school friend at Ithaca College, and so it was actually easier for her to drive from Medford to Ithaca via Mamaroneck. She also visited home several times on her way to Lehigh University where her brother Liam is a student. And, of course, she came home for major holidays.
Nathan says that he really wanted to cement his relationship to Tufts so only left Medford for Thanksgiving and winter break. “Tell the truth, Nathan,” his father interrupts. “You traveled west a whole lot!” Nathan’s face turns red. “OK, OK. I admit it. My girlfriend goes to Smith.” Nathan’s mother’s fear about him not fitting in socially seems to have been unfounded.
What about stuff? Phoebe originally planned to take a lot of stuff with her, including her grandfather’s disco lights, while Nathan planned only to bring a bed set and sheets. Had Nathan and Phoebe brought the right amount of stuff to Tufts last August?
Phoebe says with a sense of self satisfaction that she took exactly what she needed. “I actually slept with my ‘bankie,’ and used Liam’s Tufts pillow. Even grandpa’s disco lights came in handy.” Did Phoebe need to use her mom’s wardrobe after all? No, Phoebe responds, because she “closet shopped” in her residence hall. “What’s that?” I enquire. “I never heard of closet shopping before.” Because her residence hall floor was very close-knit group they all agreed that the clothes in each other’s closets would be available to everyone else on the floor as long as they were returned the next day—thus closet shopping.
“What about you?” I ask Nathan. He admits that he forgot some basic necessities. Then his mother brought him far too many clothes, which had to be picked up during Parents and Family Weekend and brought back to Mamaroneck. “It’s my fault,” Nathan’s mother admits. “I asked other parents what they were doing and ended up buying Nathan too many clothes.”
One of Phoebe’s biggest concerns about being a first-year student was getting along with her roommate. She says that things worked out just fine, though not without problems. Phoebe is a night person and her roommate went to bed just as she was starting to study, but they worked it out. “Most importantly, my roommate wears the same size shoes I do!” I ask whether they are rooming together next year. “Absolutely,” Phoebe says.
Nathan says he lucked out on his roommate, also an engineering student. At first he was nervous that by rooming with another engineer he might not get exposure to other students. But they shared common experiences and interests, took many of the same classes, and were able to help each other out with homework. There were some irritants, like when Nathan’s roommate continuously bounced a tennis ball off the wall in their living room. Also, he went to bed earlier than Nathan did. “But we worked it out,” Nathan declares. “We got to respect each other’s space.”
Last June, Phoebe didn’t have a clue what she might major in so I ask her whether she has made a decision. She says that she’s still not sure but maybe economics. Why economics? Because she took an intro to economics course and really liked it. While the professor was just OK, Phoebe has a real interest in math and enjoys doing problem sets. She also liked the rigor of the course.
Sensing that Nathan is still glad that he went to engineering school, I ask him whether he still wants to be a mechanical engineer. “Probably,” Nathan responds. “But I’m also taking courses in operations research, which is a mix of engineering and economics.”
First and sophomore year are when students, even those in a professional program like engineering, have an opportunity to explore what they might major in or do later in life. Because she loves the rigor of economics Phoebe is considering this as a major, whereas last fall she thought she might major in math or Spanish. Nathan, who was certain last fall that he wanted to be a mechanical engineer, is now experimenting with other possibilities. Changing minds is quite natural and, as we have seen, encouraged first year!
I turn to Phoebe and Nathan’s parents. I want to know how things worked out for them and whether college has met their expectations as parents. Phoebe’s mother declares with great earnestness that Tufts has exceeded their expectations. She found Tufts’s matriculation ceremony amazing, especially President Bacow’s address, and she and her husband felt a real sense of community. Nathan’s mother and father are vigorously nodding in agreement. “I really appreciated the part of President Bacow’s address where he gave us permission to grieve,” Nathan’s mother adds. “That helped a lot!”
I ask Nathan and Phoebe’s parents whether they were able to survive without their kids around. The emotion in the room is palpable. “To be honest,” Phoebe’s mother says with a sigh, “I was having a difficult time after we dropped Phoebe off at Tufts orientation last fall. I missed her so much. I thought I was going to melt. But I asked myself, What would the alternative be? Not having Phoebe at college? And then I realized that this is what I really wanted for her. But what gets to you is the realization that your child isn’t gone just for awhile, but really for good.”
“I’ve got to say,” Nathan’s mother tells us, “the three-hour ride home to Mamaroneck after we dropped Nathan off for orientation was miserable. And for the next several days I would go into Nathan’s empty room and feel really sad. But once I knew Nathan was settled in at Tufts it became much easier for me.” Nathan’s father adds that initially he thought he was ready for this, but at work the next day it was like someone in the family had died. He says that it took him a couple days to get back into the swing of things.
I ask Phoebe and Nathan’s parents what they learned first year that they might like to pass on to the parents of future first-year college students.
“That it’s all going to work out,” Phoebe’s mother says.
“For your kids?” I ask.
“No, for us parents!”