Tom Ryan
Let me get this out of the way first: You’re gay. And in the end, you’ll come out. And yes, eventually it does get better. Much better.
But let’s just say that it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, there’s a whole hell of a lot you’ll have to deal with in the meantime before you’re able to admit who you really are.
That’s what I want to talk about now: the meantime.
First up: Don’t stop singing. Please.
You love singing. I know it. I know that the first thing you’ll do after you get your license is grab your favorite mix tape, pop it in the tape deck, and drive around by yourself singing along (at the top of your mother-freaking lungs) to Fleetwood Mac, Aerosmith, and Roxette.
You love dancing too, right? Jumping up and down and feeling like a superstar in the movie of your life?
You like to bake cookies and decorate cakes. You like sassy female comedians. You like to watch figure skating. You write poetry about sunsets over the ocean. Do you get where I’m going with this?
Yep. You love a whole bunch of supergay shit.
And that’s okay, despite what the voice has to say.
You know exactly what I’m talking about. The nasty little voice in the back of your head that tells you to rein it in, to try acting straight. The voice that tells you that the things you love and the thoughts you think make you worthless—an embarrassment. The voice that says you should be ashamed of yourself.
Worst of all, the voice will tell you, day and night, that if you don’t watch your step, then people will start to see who you really are.
But there are also going to be times when you can’t help yourself. When you let yourself get up onstage and belt out a tune for an audience. When you bust out your disco moves at the school dance because somebody has to do the Bee Gees justice. When you come to school bursting with the latest Hollywood gossip because it’s just too juicy to not talk about. When you buy that sweater at Le Chateau, because you have to—I mean, come on, it’s the perfect shade of green!
The voice is going to tell you to hold it all in—and more often than not, the voice will win out over your instincts. But sometimes you’re going to tell the voice to shut the eff up, because you can’t help it. You can’t help doing the things you want to do. Sometimes you just can’t help being who you are.
And those times are going to be the best times. When you don’t care what people think, when you let yourself do the things you want to do, with the people you love. They’re going to be the best times because you are better at being yourself than you are at being anyone else.
So please, promise me something…When you feel like singing, just do it. Lift up your head, close your eyes, open your lungs, and sing. Sing so loud and so long that the voice has no choice but to shut up and listen.
Eventually, you won’t even remember what it sounds like.
Tom Ryan was born and raised in Inverness, Nova Scotia. His first novel, Way to Go (2012), was recently published. He can be found online at TomWroteThat.com.