Nic tightened his hold on Riley, but it wouldn’t do any good. He couldn’t hold on to her, and it was clear he couldn’t keep her safe either. He’d royally screwed over the only person in his life that mattered.
“You weren’t planning on telling me, were you?”
Riley’s voice cracked with her question, and he choked on his regret.
He cleared his throat. Thoughts of convincing his wolf of how perfectly Riley fit them faded for the moment. He couldn’t voice his plan, not now. Not yet. Dealing with Riley’s anger came first. She’d get the truth from him, not some flicker of hope he couldn’t guarantee. “If you’d planned to stay, I would’ve, so we could take extra precautions.”
“Because you’d still be tempted to sleep with me, even after you took a shifter mate, right?” He nodded, and she snorted. “So what? I’d be your mistress? Your whore? Is that what you’re telling me?”
Ice dripped from her words. Nic deserved it, but he couldn’t blindly accept it, not with an audience. He looked behind her. Ben, the young wolf Nic had attacked, stood next to the coffee table, his gaze on Riley, not him. “You will take the knowledge you learned tonight to the grave, Ben. If you share it with anyone, you and your wolf will meet an early death on the pyre altar. Do you understand?”
Ben sucked in a rough breath and nodded quickly, fear widening his eyes. The ceremonial death ensured neither man nor wolf would find the afterlife. It was a hideous punishment reserved for the cruelest of their kind. If the gaunt kid caused Riley’s death with his loose tongue, Nic wouldn’t think twice about condemning him to it.
“Good.” Nic nodded. “Now go to my old place and wait for me. You will give me your blood oath.”
“Of course.” Ben rushed to the door.
“One more thing.” Nic waited until Ben glanced over his shoulder. “Leave your key. You’re no longer welcome in Riley’s home.”
Ben dug the key out of his pocket, dropped it on the hall table, and fled out the door.
Nic turned his attention to the woman in his arms. Riley glared at him, hatred in her eyes. He cupped her face. She jerked her head to the side, breaking his hold. He dropped his hand. “No, I would’ve stayed away from you, as much as I could’ve, anyway. I’m not ruled by my lusts.”
She laughed. “Really, Nic? It seemed to me like you couldn’t wait to get me naked a few minutes ago.”
He clamped his hand on her shoulder, right over his bite mark. “I missed you, Riley. Just like I said. And I wanted our time together…”
“To what?” Riley narrowed her eyes. “Be special? Give you some good last memories of me? Or did you think giving me tonight would make up for breaking my heart?”
He ground his teeth.
“Caught.” She chuckled “So which one is it? Or did all those thoughts go through your head when you were loving me?”
“Yeah, I wanted to make some memories of you. Is that so wrong? I love you.” It’d be thoughts of her that convinced his wolf of the truth.
“You don’t love me.” She stood on her tiptoes and grabbed on to his shoulders. “If you loved me, you would’ve mated me. Together, we would’ve figured out a way to get you the heir you so desperately want. Or you would’ve passed the spirit of the pack onto Hannah’s mate. She told me she wants to rule, that we only need to wait until she matures.”
Venom dripped from her voice. Riley leaned closer and leveled a challenging glare on him. “So tell me again how much you love me, Nic, and I’ll tell you to screw yourself because it’ll be a lie.”
Nic wrapped a hand around her throat, not to hurt Riley but to hold her still. It was time she learned the truth. “Sure, I could’ve done all those things, but I didn’t, because in the end it comes down to my wolf. It doesn’t want you. Not then, not now. In his eyes, you’re weak and not worthy of my love, let alone my eternal worship. It fought me four years ago when I tried to make you mine. And tonight…”
Riley stroked her fingers across his cheek. “And tonight, it fought you again, didn’t it?”
“Yes.” His nostrils flared. Hatred surged for the wolf who shared his soul. The animal wanted to ruin his life. “As soon as I put my mouth on your shoulder, my wolf made it clear it would stop me again. I can’t mate you without its agreement.”
“Because of the spirit wolf, right? Your wolf wants it, and you can’t be alpha with me as your mate.”
“Yes.” The word dropped like a gauntlet.
Riley mapped his face with her gaze, focusing on his chin, lips, nose, and finally meeting his eyes. Hope lingered in her blue depths. It hurt to see. “What about Hannah’s future mate? Can’t you transfer it to him? Her kids will still carry Kagan blood. They can continue the bloodline. Once the fate of the pack is secured, you can convince your wolf to love me too. Right?”
He slid his hand from her neck to sift through the silky strands of her hair, cradling the back of her head. “I need its agreement for the transfer too, and I can guarantee it won’t agree to that either. It’s been salivating for years over what being alpha will give us.” A bitter laugh escaped. “Power, Riley. Not love. It doesn’t care about love.”
Nic dropped his forehead to hers. “My only hope had been to stay away long enough that Hannah’s mate could’ve taken control in my place. If I didn’t know about the transfer, neither would my wolf, but it won’t work any longer. I missed my chance.”
“No, we didn’t.” She tightened her hold on him as if that would be enough to keep him locked to her side. “Hannah said she wants it. Why can’t you just stay here and protect your dad until she—”
“Because Derek Tanner has forced me onto this path.” At her pinched brows, Nic sighed. “The infection my dad got that almost killed him?” He waited until she nodded. “It severed his tie to his wolf and the spirit wolf.”
“Your dad’s heart.” Her eyes widened. “I did CPR on him and restarted it.”
“And left him in limbo and our pack mates at risk. Come the next full moon, the spirit wolf will seek out a new host. If I’m in the circle, it’ll naturally come to me as I carry Kagan blood, but if there are other dominants in there, we’ll have to fight for the right to house the wolf spirit. To the death, Riley. Once in the circle, only one shifter leaves it. I’ll have to kill my friends. My cousins. And I won’t care. I’ll be caught up in the fight. So will the other dominants. And those who die”—he closed his eyes—“will be lost to the pack forever.”
“What do you mean?” Her voice held fear. “Shifters are reborn. They’ll always get another chance.”
He wanted to shield her from the harsh truth. He couldn’t. She needed to understand the severity of their situation. He pressed his cheek against hers. “Maybe as humans, never again as shifters. The spirit wolf isn’t on this realm. It’s with the gods and will remain with them until the full moon.”
“A shifter needs its animal.” She turned her head, catching his gaze. “Their souls are joined, right? And without it…”
“They’ll be half of what they should be, always searching for the connection they once shared with their animal and pack.” The very idea of his pack mates suffering that way churned his gut. He swallowed hard. “I won’t be able to live with myself knowing my pack would face death or loneliness in another life because I turned my back on the role I was born into.”
“Your dad plans on keeping this a secret, right? He’s going to walk into that circle with you and allow everyone to think he’s handing the spirit wolf down to his son.”
“Yes.”
“And your wolf won’t relinquish the spirit for me. Because it doesn’t want me. That’s what you said, isn’t it?”
She was repeating his earlier words. He knew why too. She was looking for some flicker of hope, that maybe she’d misunderstood him. He wanted to give it to her, but if his plan of convincing his wolf of her worth didn’t work out, he’d end up hurting her. Of course, he’d already had hurt her. Was still hurting her. It had to stop. Unfortunately, Nic didn’t see that happening anytime soon.
He had from now until the full moon to convince his wolf that Riley was more important than being alpha. That handing the spirit wolf over to Hannah’s mate was the right thing to do.
Nic would do everything in his power to make that happen, but it’d be irresponsible to ignore the possibility that he wouldn’t succeed. He had to continue to prepare for the outcome he dreaded—that he’d be forced to take a shifter mate and lead the pack.
He eased back and let her see the truth in his eyes. “Power is everything in my world. No matter how much I love you, it doesn’t change what I am.”
Moisture pooled in Riley’s eyes and collected on her lashes. She didn’t blink it away. She held his gaze, demanding he tell her the truth. “And what are you, Nic?”
“The alpha wolf.” How good of one depended on his ability to beat his baser half into submission.
Riley stared at Nic while his features turned blurry. She wanted to scream, cry, or maybe rant. None of those reactions would do any good. The truth stamped onto Nic’s beloved face wasn’t one she could deny.
He loved her.
His wolf did not.
Biology had screwed them over—man, woman, and beast.
She cleared her throat. “Answer me one question.”
“Anything. No more secrets between us. I should’ve been truthful with you years ago. I just…” Nic squeezed his eyes shut and licked his lips before focusing on her. “I didn’t want to admit my wolf considered you unworthy.” He cupped her face in his big palms. “In my eyes, you’re everything. My equal. My partner. My angel.”
Her tears spilled over. Ugh, she did not want to cry.
She couldn’t stop it.
Nic kissed her eyelids, licked away the twin paths from her cheeks, and held her close. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to make you cry.”
Riley tipped her head back. “No, you wanted me to hate you so I’d move on, didn’t you?”
A single dip of his chin answered her.
“I tried, Nic. I failed.” Her confession came out as a strained whisper.
He pressed an openmouthed kiss to her forehead. “Me too.”
“But you will, won’t you? Your wolf will need your agreement too, and you’ll give it.”
“Yes, if it comes down to it, I’ll take a mate”—he stared into her eyes—“but she won’t replace you, not in my heart, soul, or life.”
If it comes down to it? Did that mean he was having second thoughts? She wanted to ask but knew doing so would be worthless. The picture of their situation he’d painted for her didn’t allow for any hope. She couldn’t seem to let hers go, though.
Frustration built, leaving her trembling. “So what? You’ll just have sex with her?”
He ground his teeth. “I want nothing to do with her. I don’t even want to associate with her.”
“But you will, won’t you? You’ll make love to her just like you did to me.”
“Never! I won’t love her.” His chest rose and fell on his rough breaths. “Once. I need to be with her once. That’s it. Love has nothing to do with it.”
Riley opened her mouth but closed it without saying a word. What good would it do? No matter what Nic thought he wanted, when the day came for his kid to be born, things would change. His mate would be a part of his life, and the child they created would bind them together. He’d be protective and possessive of her.
Just as he had been a few minutes ago with her.
She brushed her fingertips along his jaw. He closed his eyes on a sigh as if the simple caress meant the world to him.
“Does your wolf hate me? Or is it that he doesn’t want you to mate me?”
“He cares for you.” He mimicked the caress along her cheek. “You’re pack.”
“Cares for me. I see.” And how was she supposed to make an animal she couldn’t talk to love her? Especially when she wasn’t the same species and couldn’t be more than…what…a friend to it? A companion? She didn’t have an answer.
He turned away from her and walked toward the hall table where Ben had dropped his key. Nic picked it up and curled his fingers around it, squeezing it tight. He glanced over his shoulder. “I need to go and deal with Ben. Make sure he’ll keep his word.”
With a blood oath.
She’d heard of the practice. Normally given between the pack protectors and the alpha, it ensured complete loyalty from the one giving the vow. Any order from their alpha would have to be followed, or they’d suffer physical pain and ultimately death.
She nodded, knowing Nic would never abuse the privilege.
“I’m sorry things turned out the way they did.” He opened the door, gaze straight ahead, and stepped out.
She waited for the door to slam before making her way to the bathroom. She went through the motions, turning on the shower and washing the evidence of their loving away without allowing any thoughts to take hold. The few precious minutes of nothingness were necessary. She needed to think clearly, not react solely on her emotions because her decision was made. She was going to fight for what belonged to her.
Nic.
In light of everything he’d said to her, however, she wasn’t quite sure how she’d accomplish it. Human-shifter matings were rare. She knew of only three in the States. All the reasons Nic gave explained why. Even the beta wolves wanted to procreate. It was a drive they couldn’t ignore. Animalistic. Primal. All-consuming. The primitive need to continue the bloodline was something every animal species experienced, and love wasn’t necessary for breeding.
Shifter reproduction hadn’t been a topic that had been shared with her, but she knew the basics, including that only mates could procreate because there was a mystical side of conception that tied the baby to the pack, making it necessary the male shared a piece of his soul with his mate.
Humans could not conceive or impregnate a shifter even if they were soul-bonded to a shifter. Their eggs and sperm weren’t compatible, and not once had a half-breed ever been born.
Riley choked on a sob and slid down the tile wall of the shower stall.
She was screwed. All she had to offer Nic was love, and only half of him cared about the emotion. Or her.