HOW LONG is this going to last, anyhow? I must look at my watch … probably not polite at such a serious concert. But who’s to see it? If someone sees it, then he’s paying just as little attention as I am, and I don’t have to bother on his account … Only a quarter to ten? I feel as if I’d been sitting at this concert for three hours now. I guess I’m not used to it … What is it, actually? I’ll have to look at the program … Yes, that’s it: oratorio. I thought it was a Mass. But surely things like that only belong in church! Also, the good thing about church is that you can leave any time.—If I at least had a corner seat!
Well, then, patience, patience! Even oratorios come to an end. Maybe it’s very beautiful, and I’m just not in the mood. And why should I be in the mood? When I think that I came here to have a good time … I wish I’d given the ticket to Benedek instead, he gets a treat out of things like this; after all, he plays the violin himself. But then Kopetzky would have been insulted. Of course, it was very nice of him, at least he meant well. A good guy, Kopetzky! The only one you can rely on … Of course, his sister is one of the chorus singing up there. At least a hundred girls, all dressed in black; how could I pick her out? Because she’s one of the singers, that’s why he got the ticket, that Kopetzky … Then, why didn’t he go himself?
By the way, they sing very nicely. It’s very edifying—I’m sure! Bravo! Bravo! … Yes, let’s join in the applause. That guy next to me is clapping like a lunatic. Does he really like it that much?—The girl in the box over there is really cute. Is she looking at me or at that man over there with the blonde beard? … Ah, a solo! Who is it? Alto: Miss Walker; soprano: Miss Michalek … this is probably the soprano … It’s a long time since I was at the opera. At the opera I always have a good time, even if it’s boring. Actually, the day after tomorrow I could go again, to Traviata. Yes, the day after tomorrow I may be dead and cold! Oh, nonsense, I don’t believe that myself! Just wait, Doctor, you’re going to lose your taste for making such remarks! I’m going to slice off the tip of your nose …
If I could only get a good look at that girl in the box! I’d like to borrow the opera glasses from the man next to me, but he’s sure to bite my nose off if I disturb him at his devotions … In what area is Kopetzky’s sister standing? Would I recognize her? I’ve only seen her two or three times, the last time in the officers’ mess … I wonder if they’re all respectable girls, all hundred of them? Oh, my! … “With the cooperation of the Singers’ Association”! Singers’ Association … funny! Actually, I’ve always thought of that as something like the Vienna Dancing and Singing Girls—of course, I really knew it was something else! … Wonderful memories! That time at the Green Gate … What was her name? And then she once sent me a picture postcard from Belgrade … Another nice area!—Kopetzky is having fun, he’s been sitting in the tavern for a while now smoking his Virginia cigar! …
Why does that guy there keep staring at me? I bet he’s noticed that I’m bored and don’t fit in here … I’d advise you not to make such impudent faces at me, or I’ll meet you later on in the foyer!—Now he’s looking away! … Why is everyone so afraid when I look at them? … “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever come across!” Steffi said recently … Oh, Steffi, Steffi, Steffi!—Steffiis really to blame for my sitting here and having people wail at me for hours on end.
Ah, this way Steffi has of always standing me up is really beginning to get on my nerves! How nice this evening could have been. I have a great urge to read Steffi’s note. There it is. But if I take out my wallet, the guy next to me will get steamed up!—Of course, I know what it says … she can’t come because she has to go to supper with “him” … Ah, that was funny a week ago, when she was at the “Horticultural Society” with him and I was sitting opposite with Kopetzky; and she kept on signaling to me with her eyes, making a date. He didn’t notice a thing— unbelievable! Anyway, he must be a Jew! Sure, he works in a bank, and that black mustache … They say he’s also a lieutenant in the reserve! Well, he’d better not come to my regiment on active duty! And anyway, why do they always make so many Jews officers—all that talk about anti-Semitism is just a story! Lately at the party where that incident with the Doctor occurred, at the Mannheimers’ … they say the Mannheimers are Jews themselves, converted, of course … but you can’t tell by looking at them—especially the woman … so blonde, her figure pretty as a picture … It was very entertaining, all told. Terrific meal, wonderful cigars … So tell me, who’s got the money? …
Bravo, bravo! It’ll surely be over soon now?—Yes, now the whole crowd up there on the stage is standing up … they look very good— impressive!—An organ, too? … I really like organ music … Well, that’s my style—very nice! It’s really true, I ought to go to concerts more often … “It was marvelous,” I’ll tell Kopetzky … Will I meet him in the coffeehouse tonight? Oh, I really don’t feel at all like going to the coffee-house; I got into such a foul mood there last night! A hundred and sixty gulden lost at one card game—what a calamity! And who won the pot? Ballert—just the one who doesn’t need it … Ballert is actually to blame for my having to go to this stupid concert … Sure, otherwise I could have played again tonight, maybe I could have won some of it back. But it’s really a good thing that I gave myself my word of honor not to touch a card for a whole month … Mama is going to pull a long face again when she gets my letter!—
Oh, she ought to go to Uncle, he’s got money to burn; a few hundred gulden wouldn’t matter to him. If I could only arrange it for him to give me a regular allowance … but no, I’ve got to beg for each and every additional kreuzer. Then I get the old story: last year the harvest was bad! … Should I visit Uncle again this summer for two weeks? To tell the truth, I’m bored to death there … But if she … what was her name again? … It’s odd, I can’t remember names! … Oh, yes: Etelka! She didn’t understand a word of German, but that wasn’t necessary anyway … I didn’t need to talk at all! … Yes, it’ll be fine, fourteen days of country air and fourteen nights of Etelka or whoever … But I really ought to spend a week again with Papa and Mama … She looked bad this past Christmas … Well, by this time she’ll be over her ailment. In her place, I’d be glad that Papa retired.—And Klara will still get a husband … Uncle can shell out something … Twenty-eight, that’s not so very old … Steffiis certainly no younger … But it’s odd: that kind of female keeps young longer. When you think about it: Maretti, who acted in Madame Sans-Gêne5 lately, is surely thirty-seven, and looks like … Well, I wouldn’t have said no!—Too bad she didn’t ask me …
It’s getting hot! Not over yet? Oh, how I look forward to the fresh air! I’ll take a little walk, across the Ring … Motto for tonight: early to bed, be well-rested tomorrow afternoon! Funny how little I think about it, I really couldn’t care less about it! Yes, the first time I did get a bit excited. Not that I was afraid; but I was nervous the night before … Of course, First Lieutenant Bisanz was a serious opponent.—And yet nothing happened to me! … And that was a year and a half ago. How time flies! And if Bisanz did nothing to me, the Doctor certainly won’t! Although it’s just these untrained fencers who are sometimes the most dangerous. Doschintzky told me that a guy who was holding a saber for the first time came within a hair of thrusting him through; and today Doschintzky teaches fencing in the militia. Of course, I wonder if he was already that skilled at the time …
The most important thing is to keep cool. I don’t even feel rightly angry any more, and it certainly was a piece of insolence—unbelievable! He certainly wouldn’t have gone that far if he hadn’t been drinking champagne previously … What insolence! He must be a socialist! After all, nowadays the pettifoggers are all socialists! A gang … what they’d like best of all is to do away with the whole military at once; but they don’t stop to think about who would help them then if the Chinese attacked them. Dumbbells!—From time to time a man has to serve as an example. I was completely in the right. I’m glad that I never let him off the hook after that remark. When I think about it, I really get wild! But I behaved terrifically; the Colonel says, too, that I handled myself just as one should. All in all, this affair will help me out.
I know many people who would have let the fellow get away. Müller, surely; he would have been “objective” again or something like that. Everyone who’s tried to be objective has made a fool of himself … “Lieutenant!” … even the way he said “Lieutenant” was brazen! … “You will surely have to admit” … How did we get into the situation, anyway? Why did I allow myself to get into a conversation with a socialist? How did it start? … I think the dark-haired lady I escorted to the buffet was also there … and then that youngster who paints hunting scenes—what’s his name, now? … God bless me, he was to blame for the whole matter! He spoke about maneuvers; and it was only then that this Doctor came by and said something I didn’t care for, about playing at war or something like that—but that was before I was able to say anything … Yes, and then they spoke about military academies … yes, that’s how it was … and I told about a patriotic festival … and then the Doctor said—not right away, but as a spin-off from that festival— “Lieutenant, you will surely have to admit that not all your comrades joined the service solely to defend their country!” What insolence! A person like that dares to say such a thing to an officer! If I could only remember how I replied to that … Oh, yes, something about people who meddle with things they don’t understand … Yes, that’s right … and then there was someone there who wanted to settle the matter amicably, an older gentleman with a heavy cold … But I was too furious! The Doctor definitely said it as if he meant me personally. All he needed to add was that I was thrown out of high school and that’s why I was placed in a military academy … People just can’t understand our sort, they’re too dumb to …
When I recall the first time I put on the uniform—that’s an experience that not everyone has … Last year during maneuvers—what I wouldn’t have given if it had suddenly become the real thing … And Mirovic told me he felt the same way. And then, when His Highness rode past the front, and the Colonel’s speech—a man would have to be a real bum if his heart didn’t beat stronger … And then an inkslinger like that comes along, who’s never done a thing all his life but sit behind books, and feels free to make an insolent remark! … Ah, just wait, my good man—till you’re put out of action … yes, sir, you’ll be so far out of action …
What’s going on? Surely it must be almost over now? … “You, His angels, praise the Lord” … Of course, that’s the closing chorus … Very beautiful, you can’t deny it. Very beautiful!—Now I’ve completely forgotten that girl in the box who started to flirt before. Where is she? … Gone already … That one over there also seems to be very pretty … What a nuisance not to have opera glasses with me! Brunnthaler is really clever, he always has his glasses at the cashier’s booth in the coffeehouse, that way you can’t go wrong … If that girl there in front of me would turn around just once! She’s been sitting there so well-behaved. The one next to her must be her Mama.
Shouldn’t I start to think seriously about getting married? Willy wasn’t older than I when he took the plunge. There’s something to be said for always having a pretty little wife on hand at home … What a shame that Steffi has no time tonight of all nights! If I at least knew where she was, I could sit opposite her again. That would be a fine predicament, if that guy caught on to her, then I would be saddled with her … When I think what Fliess’s affair with the Winterfeld woman costs him! And at the same time she cheats on him left and right. One of these days it’ll end up in a disaster … Bravo, bravo! Ah, it’s over! There, that feels good, to be able to stand up, to move … Well, maybe! How long is that guy going to take to put his glasses into their case?
“Pardon, pardon, would you let me out, please?” …
What a crush! Better let the people pass by … Elegant lady … I wonder if those are genuine diamonds? … That girl is cute … The way she looks at me! … Oh, yes, miss, I’m ready and willing! … Oh, her nose!—a Jewess … Another one … But this is amazing, half of the audience are Jews … you can’t even enjoy an oratorio in peace any more … There, now let’s join the procession … But why is that idiot shoving in back of me? I’ll teach him better manners … Ah, an older gentleman! … And who is greeting me from up there? … Good night, good night! I have no idea who it is … The simplest thing would be to go right over to Leidinger’s for supper … or should I go to the “Horticultural Society”? Maybe Steffiis there too? Really, why didn’t she write to tell me where she was going with him? She probably didn’t know yet herself. Really awful, such a dependent existence! … Poor thing!
Now, there’s the exit … Ah, but she is gorgeous! All alone? The way she’s smiling at me! That’s an idea, I’ll go after her! … There, down the steps now: Oh, a major of the Ninety-fifth … Very charming, the way he returned my salute … So I wasn’t the only officer here … But where’s the pretty girl? Ah, there … she’s standing by the balustrade … Well, now I just have to get to the cloakroom … I don’t want that girl to get away … That’s done it! What a miserable brat! She has a man come to meet her, and now she’s still smiling at me!—After all, not one of them is any good … Lord, what a crowd at the cloakroom! … Better wait a little bit longer … There! Is the dumbbell going to take my ticket? …
“You there, No. 224! It’s hanging there! Well, are you blind? It’s hanging there! Well, thank God! … Come on, now!” … That fat man there is blocking almost the whole cloakroom … “Excuse me, please!” …
“Patience, patience!”
What did the guy say?
“Just have a little patience!”
I just have to answer him … “Let me through!”
“You’re not going to miss anything!”
What did he say? Did he say that to me? That’s going too far! I can’t put up with that! “Quiet!”
“What do you mean?”
What a tone of voice! That’s the limit!
“Don’t push!”
“Shut up, you!” I shouldn’t have said that, I was too rude … Well, what’s done is done!
“How was that?”
Now he’s turning around … I know him!—Damn it, it’s the master baker who always comes to the coffeehouse … But what is he doing here? He must also have a daughter or something in the chorus … But what’s this? Yes, what is he doing? It even seems … yes, damn me, he’s got the hilt of my saber in his hand … Is the guy crazy? … “You, sir …”
“You, Lieutenant, just keep still now.”
What did he say? For the love of God, I hope nobody heard! No, he’s speaking very low … But why doesn’t he let go of my saber? … Damn it again … He’s got me raving … I can’t get his hand off the hilt … no uproar now! … Could the Major be behind me? … Does anyone notice that he’s holding the hilt of my saber? But he’s talking to me! What is he saying?
“Lieutenant, if you make the slightest disturbance, I’ll put your saber out of its scabbard, smash it and send the pieces to your regimental headquarters. Do you understand, you fool?”
What did he say? I must be dreaming! Is he really talking to me? I ought to make some reply … But the guy is really serious—he’s actually pulling out the saber. Good Lord—he’s doing it! … I can feel it, he’s already tugging at it! What is he saying? For God’s sake, no uproar——what does he keep on saying?
“But I don’t want to ruin your career … So, behave! … There, there, don’t be afraid, no one heard anything … everything’s all right now … there! And so that no one thinks we had a quarrel, I’ll be very friendly to you now!—Good night, Lieutenant, it was a pleasure—good night!”
For God’s sake, was I dreaming? … Did he really say that? … Where is he? … There he goes … I really ought to have drawn my saber and cut him down——For God’s sake, I hope no one heard it … No, he was speaking very low, in my ear … But why don’t I go over and split his skull open? … No, that wouldn’t do, it wouldn’t do … I ought to have done it right away … Why didn’t I do it right away? … I just wasn’t able to … he didn’t let go of the hilt, and he’s ten times stronger than I am … If I had said one more word, he would really have broken my saber … I ought to be happy that he wasn’t speaking out loud! If anyone had heard it, I would have had to shoot myself stante pede6 …
Maybe it was a dream after all … But why is that man there by the column staring at me like that?—Perhaps he heard something … I’ll ask him … Ask him?—I’m crazy!—How do I look?—Can anyone notice anything from my appearance? I must be very pale.—Where is the dog? … I must kill him! … He’s gone … The place is already completely empty … But where’s my cloak? … I’ve put it on already … I didn’t even notice … Who helped me on with it? … Oh, that one … I must give him a six-kreuzer piece … There! …
But what’s going on? Did it really happen? Did someone really talk to me that way? Did someone really call me “fool”? And I didn’t cut him down on the spot … But I wasn’t able to … he had a fist like iron … I stood there as if nailed down … No, I must have lost my wits, or else with my other hand I would have … But then he would have pulled out my saber and broken it, and it would have been all up with me—I would have been completely finished! And later, when he went away, it was too late … after all, I couldn’t have run him through from behind with my saber …
What, I’m out on the street already? How did I get outside?—It’s so cool … ah, the breeze, that feels good … But who’s that over there? Why are they looking my way? Maybe they heard something … No, no one could have heard anything … I know, because I looked around right away! No one was paying any attention to me, no one heard anything … But he did say it even if no one heard it; he did say it. And I stood there and let him, as if I had been hit over the head! … But I couldn’t say anything or do anything; the only thing left for me to do was to keep still, keep still … it’s horrible, it’s not to be borne; I must kill him whenever I find him! …
That someone should talk that way to me! That a guy like that, a dog like that should speak to me like that! And he knows me … Lord, oh Lord, he knows me, he knows who I am! … He can tell anybody that he said that to me! … No, no, he won’t do that, otherwise he wouldn’t have spoken so low … he only wanted me to hear! … But who can guarantee that he won’t eventually tell it, today or tomorrow, to his wife, his daughter, his friends in the coffeehouse?——For God’s sake, I’ll see him again tomorrow! When I arrive at the coffeehouse tomorrow, he’ll be sitting there again, just like every day, playing his game of tarok with Mr. Schlesinger and the artificial-flower dealer … No, no, it’s no good, it’s no good … When I see him, I’ll cut him down … No, I can’t … I ought to have done it right away, right away! … If it had only worked out! …
I’ll go to the Colonel and report the matter to him … yes, to the Colonel … The Colonel is always very friendly—and I’ll say to him: Colonel, I beg to report, he held on to the hilt, he didn’t let go of it; it was exactly as if I were weaponless … What will the Colonel say?— What he’ll say?—But there’s only one thing he can say: resign in disgrace—resign! …
Are those volunteers7 over there? … Disgusting! at night they look like officers … they’re saluting!—If they knew—if they knew! … There’s the Café Hochleitner … There must be a couple of my fellow officers in there now … maybe someone or other that I know … What if I told it to the first one I meet, but as if it had happened to someone else? … I’m completely off my head by now …
Where have I got to? What am I doing out on the street?—Yes, but where should I head? Didn’t I want to go to Leidinger’s? Ha, ha, to sit down among people … I’m sure everybody would see it from my face … Yes, but something has to happen … What should happen? … Nothing, nothing—because no one heard anything … no one knows anything … at this moment no one knows anything … Should I go to his home now and implore him not to tell anyone about it? … Ah, better to blow my brains out at once than do something like that! … That would be the most sensible thing! … The most sensible? The most sensible?—There just isn’t any other way … no other way … If I were to ask the Colonel, or Kopetzky—or Blany—or Friedmaier—everyone would say: There’s no other way out for you! …
What if I spoke to Kopetzky? … Yes, that would be the most rational thing … about tomorrow, if for no other reason … Yes, of course, about tomorrow … at four, in the cavalry barracks … yes, I’m to fight a duel tomorrow at four o’clock … and I absolutely can’t, I’m unqualified to give satisfaction … Nonsense! Nonsense! Nobody knows anything, nobody knows anything!—Plenty of men are running around who had worse things happen to them than this … All the things they said about Deckener and his pistol fight with Rederow … and the court of honor decided the duel ought to take place … But how would the court decide in my case?—“Fool—fool” … and I stood there—!
God in heaven, it makes no difference if anyone else knows! … I know, and that’s the main thing! I realize that I’m not the same man I was an hour ago—I know that I’m unfit to fight a duel, and therefore I’ve got to shoot myself … I wouldn’t have another peaceful moment in my life … I would always be afraid that someone might find out, one way or another … and that one day someone would tell me to my face what happened tonight!
What a fortunate person I was an hour ago … Then Kopetzky had to go and give me the ticket—and Steffi had to stand me up, the slut!— Things like that control your fate … In the afternoon everything was still perfectly all right, and now I’m a ruined man and have to shoot myself … Why am I dashing along like this? None of my trouble is running away … What is the clock striking now? … 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 … eleven, eleven … I really should go to supper! I’ve got to go somewhere eventually … I could sit down in some saloon where no one knows me—after all, a man has to eat, even if he shoots himself immediately afterward … Ha, ha, death isn’t child’s play … who was it said that recently? … But that makes no difference …
I’d like to know who will be most upset? … Mama or Steffi? … Steffi … God, Steffi … she won’t even be able to let anything show, or else “he” will send her packing … Poor girl!—In the regiment—no one would have any idea why I did it … they’d all rack their brains … but why did Gustl kill himself?—No one would guess that I had to shoot myself because a miserable baker, a low-down creature like that, who just by chance has stronger fists … it’s too bad, too bad! Just for that a fellow like me, such a young, nice guy …
Yes, later on everyone would surely say: he really didn’t have to do that on account of such a trivial incident; it’s really a shame! … But if I were to ask anyone at all now, everyone would give me the same answer … and when I ask myself … isn’t it the damndest thing? … we’re completely helpless against civilians … People think we’re better off because we’ve got a saber … and when an occasion arises for one of us to use his weapon, we catch hell as if we were all born murderers …
It would be in the paper too … “Suicide of a young officer” … How do they always phrase it? … “The motives are veiled in obscurity” … Ha, ha! … “Mourners by the grave were …”—But it’s real … I still feel as if I were telling myself a story … but it’s real … I have to kill myself, there’s no other way out for me—I can’t take the chance that tomorrow morning Kopetzky and Blany will give me back their commission and say: we can’t be your seconds! … I’d really be a blackguard if I expected it of them … A guy like me, who stands there and lets someone call him a fool … tomorrow everyone will know about it … it’s stupid of me to imagine for a minute that a person like that isn’t going to pass the story along … he’ll tell it everywhere … his wife knows already … tomorrow the whole coffeehouse will know … the waiters will know … Mr. Schlesinger—the lady cashier——And even if he has made up his mind not to talk about it, he’ll come out with it the day after tomorrow … and if he doesn’t tell the day after tomorrow, in a week’s time … And even if he were to have a stroke tonight, I still know … I know … and I’m not a man to continue wearing the uniform and the saber with such a disgrace on his head! …
There, I must do it, and that’s that!—What is there to it, anyway?— Tomorrow afternoon the Doctor could kill me with his saber … things like that have happened … And Bauer, the poor guy, got a brain fever and was gone in three days … and Brenitsch fell off his horse and broke his neck … and finally, once and for all: there’s no other way— not for me, not for me!—Of course, there are people who wouldn’t take it so hard … God, the kinds of people there are! … Ringeimer was slapped in the face by a pork butcher who caught him with his wife, and he resigned and is living somewhere in the country and got married … To think there are women who would marry such a person! … Damn me, I wouldn’t shake hands with him if he came back to Vienna …
So, you’ve heard, Gustl:—it’s over, over, your life is finished! Totally finished! … There, now I know, it’s quite a simple story … There! Now I’m actually quite calm … Anyway, I always knew that if it ever came to it, I’d be calm, quite calm … but that it would come to it in such a way, that I never thought … that I’d have to kill myself because such a … Maybe I didn’t understand him correctly … maybe he said something completely different … I was all numb from the yowling and the heat … maybe I was crazy and none of it is true? … Not true, ha, ha, not true!—I can still hear it … it’s still ringing in my ears … and I feel it in my fingers, how I wanted to get his hand off my saber hilt … He’s a strongman, a Jagendorfer8 … Though I’m no weakling, either … Franziski is the only one in the regiment stronger than I am …
The Aspern Bridge … How far will I keep going?—If I go on like this, I’ll be in Kagran around midnight … Ha, ha!—Lord God, weren’t we happy when we pulled in there last September? Only two more hours, and Vienna … I was dead tired when we arrived … I slept like a log all afternoon, and in the evening we were already at Ronacher’s … Kopetzky, Ladinser and … who else was with us?—Yes, that’s right, the volunteer who told us the Jewish jokes on the march … Sometimes they’re really fine fellows, the one-year men … but they all should become only substitutes—because what’s the sense of it? We have to drudge for years, and a guy like that serves for a year and has exactly the same rank as we do … it’s an injustice!—But what does all that matter to me?—Why should I care about such things? A commissariat private counts more now than I do; I’m no longer in the world at all … I’m over and done with … lose honor, lose everything! … I have nothing left to do but load my revolver and …
Gustl, Gustl, it seems you still don’t seriously believe it? Come to your senses … there’s no other way … even if you rack your brains, there’s no other way!—Now all that counts is to behave decently at the end, to be a man, to be an officer, so that the Colonel will say: He was a brave fellow, we’ll be sure to remember him! … Now, how many companies march out for a lieutenant’s funeral? … I really ought to know that … Ha, ha! Even if the whole battalion marches out, or the whole garrison, and they fire twenty salvos, it’ll never wake me up!
In front of the coffeehouse—I was sitting there last summer with Mr. von Engel, after the army steeplechase … Funny, I’ve never seen the man since then … Why did he have his left eye bandaged? I kept wanting to ask him about it, but it wouldn’t have been proper … There go two artillerymen … they must think I’m following that tart … Anyway, I want to have a look at her … Oh, horrible!—I’d like to know how someone like her makes a living … I’d sooner … And yet, any old port in a storm … in Przemysl—I was so disgusted later that I thought I’d never touch another female … That was a ghastly time up there in Galicia … really a great stroke of luck that we came to Vienna. Bokorny is still in Sambor and may be there for ten more years and grow old and gray … But if I had stayed there, what happened to me tonight wouldn’t have happened to me … and I’d rather grow old and gray in Galicia than … than what? Than what?
Yes, what’s going on? What’s going on?—Am I crazy that I keep forgetting?—Yes, damn me, I forget it every minute … has anyone ever heard the like?—that someone has to blow his brains out in a couple of hours and thinks about all conceivable things that don’t concern him any more! Damn me, I’m acting exactly as if I were drunk! Ha, ha! Really drunk! Dead drunk! Suicidally drunk!
Ha! I’m making jokes, that’s just fine!—Yes, I’m in quite a good mood—something like that surely must be part of your nature … Honestly, if I were to tell this to someone, he wouldn’t believe it.—I think, if I had the thing with me … I’d pull the trigger now—it’s all over in a second … Not everyone comes off so well—other people have to suffer for months … my poor cousin, she was in bed for two years, couldn’t move, had the most horrible pains—what a pity! … Isn’t it better to arrange it by yourself? All that counts is to be careful, to aim well, so no misfortune happens to you, as with that cadet substitute last year … Poor devil, he didn’t die but went blind … I wonder what became of him? Where is he living now?—Terrible, to go around like that—that is: he can’t go around, he has to be led—such a young man, he can’t be twenty yet … he took better aim at his sweetheart … she was dead on the spot …
Unbelievable, the things people shoot themselves over! How can people be jealous, anyhow? … I’ve never had such a feeling in my life … Steffiis enjoying herself now at the “Horticultural Society”; then she’ll go home with “him” … It means nothing to me, nothing! She’s got a nicely furnished place—the little bathroom with the red lamp.— The way she came in recently with the green silk robe … I’ll never see the green robe again, either—nor all of Steffi, either … and I’ll never again walk up the fine broad stairs on Gusshausstrasse … Miss Steffi will go on having good times as if nothing had happened … she won’t even be able to tell anyone that her dear Gustl killed himself … But she will cry—oh, yes, she will cry … All in all, a lot of people will cry … For God’s sake—Mama!—No, no, I mustn’t think of that.—Oh, no, that is definitely not to be thought about … No thinking about the family, Gustl, is that understood?—Not the slightest thought …
That’s not bad, now I’m in the Prater … in the middle of the night … I wouldn’t have imagined this morning that I’d be strolling in the Prater tonight … Wonder what that policeman there is thinking? … Well, let’s keep going … it’s a lovely night … Forget about supper, and about the coffeehouse, too; the air is pleasant and it’s quiet … very … It’s true, I’ll soon have all the peace and quiet I could ask for. Ha, ha!— But I’m all out of breath … I’ve been walking like a lunatic … slower, slower, Gustl, you aren’t missing out on anything, you have nothing left to do—nothing, absolutely nothing left!—Is that right, am I shivering?—It must be the excitement … besides that, I haven’t eaten …
What’s that unusual smell? … Surely, nothing is in blossom … What day is today?—April fourth … it did rain a lot the last few days … but the trees are still almost completely bare … and it’s dark, wow! You could almost get scared … That was really the only time in my life that I was frightened, as a small boy, in the woods that time … but I wasn’t all that small, either … fourteen or fifteen … How long ago is that now?—Nine years … right—at eighteen I was a substitute, at twenty a lieutenant … and next year I’ll be … What will I be next year? What does that mean, anyway: next year? What does “next week” mean? What does “the day after tomorrow” mean? … What? Your teeth chattering? Oho!—Well, let them chatter a little … Lieutenant, you’re alone now, you don’t need to put on a show for anybody … it’s bitter, it’s bitter …
I’ll sit down on this bench … Ah!——How far have I come?—How dark it is! That, behind me there, must be the “Second Coffeehouse” … I was in there once last summer when our band gave a concert … with Kopetzky and with Rüttner—a few more were also there …—But I’m tired … no, I’m as tired as if I had put in a ten-hour march … Yes, that would be something, to fall asleep here.—Ha! A homeless lieutenant … Yes, I really should get back home … what will I do at home? But what am I doing in the Prater?—Ah, what I’d like best is not to have to get up at all—to fall asleep here and never wake up … yes, that would really be convenient!—No, things aren’t so convenient for you, Lieutenant …
But how and when?—Now I could finally think the matter over properly … everything has to be thought over, you know … that’s the way life is … So, let’s think things over … Think what over? … No, the air is really nice … I ought to come to the Prater at night more often … Yes, I should have thought of that sooner, now it’s all over with the Prater, with the air and with taking walks … Yes, what’s going on? Ah, off with the cap; I feel as if it’s pressing into my brain … I can’t think straight … Ah … there! … Now then, pull your thoughts together, Gustl … make your final arrangements!
So, tomorrow morning will be the end … tomorrow morning at seven o’clock … seven o’clock is a nice hour. Ha, ha!—So, at eight, when classes begin, it’ll be all over … But Kopetzky won’t be able to give classes, because he’ll be too broken up … But maybe he won’t know yet … there won’t be any need for them to have heard … They didn’t find Max Lippay till the afternoon, and he shot himself in the morning, and no one heard anything about it … But what does it matter to me whether Kopetzky gives classes or not? … Ha!—At seven o’clock, then!—Yes … well, what else? … There’s nothing else to think over. I’ll shoot myself in my room and that’s that! Funeral on Monday … I know one person who’ll be happy: the Doctor … Duel cannot take place owing to suicide of one party …
What will they say at the Mannheimers’?—Well, he won’t be very upset by it … but the wife, the pretty blonde … I had some hopes for her … Oh, yes, I think I would have been lucky with her if I had only concentrated my efforts a bit … yes, that would have been a little different than that slut Steffi … But you just can’t be lazy … you’ve not to flirt, send flowers, talk sensibly … you can’t come out and say: Come see me in the barracks tomorrow afternoon! … Yes, a respectable lady like her, that would have been something … My captain’s wife in Przemysl, she was no respectable lady … I could swear: Libitzky and Wermutek and that shabby substitute, he had her, too … But Mrs. Mannheimer … yes, that would have been different, that would also have moved me into good society, that could almost have made me a new man—I would have gotten a new polish—I would have gained some respect for myself.——But always these tarts … and I started so young—I was still a boy when I had my first leave that time and was home in Graz with my parents … Riedl was there, too—it was a Bohemian woman … she must have been twice my age—I didn’t get home until morning … The way my father looked at me … and Klara … I was ashamed in front of Klara most of all … She was engaged at the time … why did nothing come of it? To tell the truth, I didn’t care very much … Poor little thing, she never had any luck—and now, on top of that, she’s losing her only brother …
Yes, you’ll never see me again, Klara—finished! You never imagined, did you, sister, when you accompanied me to the station on New Year’s Day, that you would never see me again?—And Mama … Lord God, Mama … no, I mustn’t think about that … if I think about it, I’m capable of acting ignobly … Ah … if I could only go home first … tell them it’s a one-day leave … see Papa, Mama, Klara again before I sign off … Yes, I could take the first train to Graz at seven, I’d be there at one … Hello, Mama … Hi, Klara! Well, how are things? … No, what a surprise! … But they might notice something … even if no one else does … Klara … Klara, certainly … Klara is such a clever girl …
What a nice letter she sent me lately, and I still owe her an answer— and the good advice she always gives me … such a truly good creature … I wonder whether everything would have been different if I had stayed home? I would have studied agriculture, would have gone to Uncle’s … that’s what they all wanted when I was still a boy … Maybe I’d already be married now to some good, sweet girl … maybe to Anna, who liked me so much … I still noticed it the last time I was home, even though she already has a husband and two children … I saw the way she looked at me … And she still calls me “Gustl” the way she used to … She’ll get a real shock when she finds out how I came to die—but her husband will say: I always knew it—a bum like that!
Everyone will think it’s because I had debts … and that’s just not true, it’s all paid up … only the last hundred sixty gulden—yes, and they’ll be there tomorrow … Yes, I must still arrange for Ballert to get the hundred sixty gulden … I must write that down before I shoot myself … It’s awful, it’s awful! … If I were to run away instead—to America, where no one knows me … In America not a soul knows what happened here tonight … not a soul cares about it there … Lately there was a bit in the paper about a Count Runge, who had to decamp on account of some unsavory affair, and now he has a hotel there and doesn’t give a damn about the whole business … And in a few years I could come back … not to Vienna, of course … and not to Graz … but I could go to the farm … and Mama and Papa and Klara would prefer it a thousand times if I just stayed alive …
And what do the other people matter to me? Who else cares about my welfare?—Outside of Kopetzky, no one would mind if I disappeared … Kopetzky is the only one … And he was the one who had to go and give me the ticket today … and the ticket is to blame for everything … without the ticket I wouldn’t have gone to the concert, and none of this would have happened … But what did happen? … It’s just as if a hundred years had gone by since then, and it can’t be two hours yet … Two hours ago somebody called me a fool and wanted to break my saber … Lord God, on top of everything, I’m starting to shout in the middle of the night!
Why did this all happen? Couldn’t I have waited longer, until the cloakroom was empty? And why did I tell him to shut up? How did that slip out of me? After all, I’m usually a courteous person … usually I’m not that rude even to my orderly … but, of course, I was nervous—all those things combined … bad luck at cards and Steffi constantly standing me up—and the duel tomorrow afternoon—and I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately—and the drudgery in the barracks—you can’t put up with that forever! … Yes, sooner or later I would have gotten sick—I would have had to apply for a leave … Now it’s no longer necessary—a long leave is coming now—without pay—ha, ha! …
How long will I keep sitting here? It must be past midnight … didn’t I hear it striking before?—What’s this … a carriage driving there? At this hour? One with rubber wheels—I can imagine … They’re better off than I am—maybe it’s Ballert with his Bertha … Why should it be Ballert of all people?—Drive on!—His Highness had a nice carriage in Przemysl … he always traveled down into town in it to visit that Rosenberg woman … His Highness was very sociable—a real buddy, on close terms with everybody … That was a fine time … even though … the district was cheerless and you could pass out there in the summertime … once three men got sunstroke on one afternoon … also the corporal of my platoon—such a useful man … Afternoons we would lie down on the bed naked.—Once Wiesner came into my room suddenly; I must have been dreaming, and I stood up and drew the saber, which was lying next to me … I must have looked a sight … Wiesner laughed himself half to death—he’s a cavalry captain by now …—Too bad I didn’t go into the cavalry … but the old man wasn’t willing—it would have been too expensive—but now it’s all one … Why?—Oh, yes, now I know: I must die, that’s why it’s all one—I must die …
So, what then?—Look, Gustl, after all you came down here to the Prater on purpose, in the middle of the night, with not a soul to disturb you—now you can think it all over calmly … That’s pure nonsense about America and resigning, and you’re much too stupid to make a new start—and if you live to be a hundred and think about the time when someone wanted to break your saber and called you a fool, and you stood there unable to do anything—no, there’s nothing to think over—what’s done is done—that stuff, too, about Mama and Klara is nonsense—they’ll get over it—people get over everything … The way Mama mourned when her brother died—and four weeks later she hardly thought about it any more … she rode out to the cemetery … at first, every week, then every month—and now only on the anniversary of his death.——Tomorrow is the date of my death—April fifth. ——Will they ship me to Graz? Ha, ha! Then the worms in Graz will have a treat!—But that doesn’t concern me—other people can rack their brains about that …
So, what does really concern me? … Yes, the hundred sixty gulden for Ballert—that’s all—I don’t need to make any further dispositions.— Write letters? What for? To whom? … Say goodbye?—Yes, damn it, that’s surely clear enough when you shoot yourself!—Then the others can’t fail to notice that you’ve said goodbye … If people knew how little I care about the whole matter, they wouldn’t feel sorry for me— I’m not at all to be pitied … And what did I get out of my whole life?— I would gladly still have done certain things: fight in a war—but I might have waited a long time … And I know all the rest … Whether such and such a tart is named Steffior Kunigunde is all the same.—— And I also know the prettiest operettas—and I’ve gone to see Lohengrin a dozen times—and tonight I was even at an oratorio—and a baker called me a fool—damn me, that’s plenty!—And I’m not inquisitive …—So let’s go home, slowly, very slowly … I have no reason at all to rush.—Rest here in the Prater another few minutes, on a bench— homeless.—I definitely won’t go to bed—I have enough time for getting a good sleep.——Ah, the air!—That, I’m going to miss …
What’s going on?—Hey, Johann, bring me a glass of cold water … What’s this? … Where … Yes, am I dreaming? … my head … damn … Fischamend9 … I can’t open my eyes!—But I’m dressed!—Where am I sitting?—Holy God, I dozed off! How was I able to sleep? It’s dawn already!—How long did I sleep?—I must look at my watch … I don’t see anything? … Where are my matches? … Well, is one going to light? … Three … and I’m supposed to fight a duel at four—no, not a duel—I’m supposed to shoot myself!—The duel is nothing any more; I must shoot myself because a baker called me a fool … Yes, did that really happen?—My head feels so peculiar … my neck seems to be in a vise—I can’t move at all—my right leg has gone to sleep.
Get up! Get up! … Ah, that’s better!—It’s getting lighter now … and the air … just like that morning when I was on outpost duty and camped in the woods … that was a different awakening—I had a different day before me then … I think I still don’t completely believe it.—There is the street, gray, empty—I’m surely the only human being in the Prater now.—I was down here once at four in the morning, with Pausinger—we were riding—I was on Captain Mirovic’s horse and Pausinger on his own nag—that was in May, last year—everything was already in blossom—everything was green. Now it’s still bare—but the spring is coming soon—in a few days it’ll be here.—Lilies of the valley, violets—too bad I’ll get nothing out of it—every rotten fellow will get something out of it, and I have to die! That’s miserable! And the others will sit at supper in the wine garden as if nothing had happened—the way we all sat in the wine garden on the very evening of the day they carried out Lippay … And Lippay was so popular … they liked him better than me in the regiment—why shouldn’t they sit in the wine garden when I snuff it?
It’s good and warm—much warmer than yesterday—and so fragrant—there must be some blossoms, after all … Will Steffi bring me flowers?—It will never occur to her! She’ll just take a ride … Yes, if it were still Adele … No, Adele! I believe I haven’t thought about her for two years … What a fuss she kicked up when it was over … in my whole life I’ve never seen a broad cry like that … That was really the nicest moment I ever lived through … So modest, so undemanding, as she was—she loved me, I could swear.—She was altogether different than Steffi … I’d like to know why I gave her up … what a stupid thing to do! It got too monotonous for me, yes, that was the whole thing … To go out with one and the same girl every night … Besides, I was afraid that I’d never get rid of her—such a crybaby——Well, Gustl, you could have waited a little longer—she was the only one who loved you … What is she doing now? Well, what could she be doing?—She must have another man now … Really, my arrangement with Steffiis more convenient—if you’re tied up only once in a while and someone else has all the unpleasantness and I have only the pleasure … Yes, you can’t really expect her to come out to the cemetery … Anyway, who’d go along if he didn’t have to!—Maybe Kopetzky, and that would be all!—It’s sad, after all, not to have anybody …
But what nonsense! Papa and Mama and Klara … Yes, after all I’m the son, the brother … but what more is there between us? Sure, they like me—but what do they know about me?—That I fulfill my military obligations, that I play cards and that I run around with sluts … but otherwise?—I’ve never written them that sometimes I’m disgusted with myself—in fact, I believe I didn’t rightly know it myself.—Come now, are you bringing up things like that now, Gustl? All you need now is to start crying … Ugh!—Keep in step … there! Whether you’re going to a rendezvous or on sentry duty or into battle … who said that, now? … Oh, yes, Major Lederer, in the canteen, when they were talking about Wingleder, who got so pale before his first duel—and threw up … Yes: whether you’re going to a rendezvous or to certain death, a real officer doesn’t let it show in his gait or in his face!—So, Gustl—Major Lederer said so! Ha!—
Lighter all the time … by now you could read … What’s that whistle there? … Oh, that’s the North Station over there … The Tegetthoff Column … it never looked so high before … There are carriages standing over there … But only street cleaners on the street … my last street cleaners—ha! I have to laugh when I think of it … I don’t understand it at all … Does this happen to everyone when they finally know for sure? Half-past three by the North Station clock … the only question now is, should I shoot myself at seven railroad time or Vienna time? … Seven … yes, why at seven in particular? … As if it couldn’t be any other time … I’m hungry—damn it, I’m hungry—no wonder … how long is it since I ate? … Since—since six last evening in the coffeehouse … yes! When Kopetzky gave me the ticket—a café au lait and two croissants.
What will the baker say when he hears? … The dirty dog!—Oh, he’ll know why—he’ll see the light—he’ll find out what it means to be an officer!—A guy like that can let himself be thrashed on the public street and there are no consequences, and one of us is insulted privately and he’s a dead man … If a crook like that could fight a duel—but no, then he’d be more careful, then he wouldn’t risk anything in that line … And the guy goes on living in peace and quiet while I—have to croak!—He’s the one who killed me … Yes, Gustl, do you get that?— He’s the one who’s killing you! But he won’t get away scot-free!—No, no, no! I’ll write a letter to Kopetzky telling him everything, I’ll write down the whole story … or even better: I’ll write it to the Colonel, I’ll make a report to regiment headquarters … just like an official report … Yes, wait, you think something like this can remain secret?—You’re wrong—it’ll be written down as a permanent record, and then I’d like to see whether you still dare to go to the coffeehouse!—Ha!—“I’d like to see that”: that’s a good one! … There’s a lot more I’d like to see, but unfortunately it won’t be possible—it’s all over!—
At this time Johann must be entering my room, now he notices that the Lieutenant hasn’t slept at home.—Well, he’ll think of all sorts of things; but that the Lieutenant spent the night in the Prater, damn me, he won’t think of that! … Ah, the Forty-fourth! They’re marching out to the firing range—better let them pass by … let’s stand over here, then …—Someone’s opening a window up there—good-looking tart—well, I’d at least wrap something around me if I went to the window … This past Sunday was the last time … I never dreamed that Steffi, of all women, would be my last.—Oh, God, that’s the only real pleasure … Yes, the Colonel will ride after them in high style in a couple of hours … the fine gentlemen enjoy life—yes, yes, eyes right!—Fine … If you knew how little I care about you!
Ah, that’s not bad: Katzer … since when did he transfer to the Forty-fourth?—Hi, hi!—What a face he’s making … Why is he pointing to his head?—My good man, I’m not much interested in your cranium … Oh, that’s it! No, my good man, you’re wrong: I spent the night in the Prater … You’ll read all about it in this evening’s paper.— “Impossible!” he’ll say: “just this morning when we marched out to the firing range I met him on Praterstrasse!” Who will take over my platoon?—Will they give it to Walterer?—Well, that’ll be a fine kettle of fish—a guy with no class, who should have become a shoemaker instead …
What, is the sun coming up already?—Today will be a nice day—a real spring day … Damn it all again!—At eight in the morning the cabbies will still be alive, and I … now, what’s all this? Hey, wouldn’t that be something—to lose my self-control at the last moment on account of a cabbie … Now why is my heart starting to pound so stupidly all at once?—It’s surely not because … No, oh, no … it’s because I’ve been without food for so long.——But, Gustl, be honest with yourself: you’re afraid—afraid because you’ve never been through it … But that doesn ’t help you, fear has never done anybody any good, everyone has to go through it once, one man sooner, another man later, and it just so happens your turn is sooner … You never amounted to much, so at least behave properly at the very end, that’s what I ask of you!—So, then, what counts now is to think things over—but what? … I keep wanting to think something over … but it’s perfectly simple: it’s in the drawer of my night table, it’s loaded also, all I need to do is squeeze— there’s no trick to that!——
She’s going to work already … poor girls! Adele worked in a shop, too—a couple of times I picked her up after work in the evening … When they’re in a shop, they don’t become such sluts … If Steffi belonged to me alone, I’d make her be a milliner or something like that … How is she going to find out?—In the newspaper! … She’ll be annoyed that I didn’t write to her about it … I think I’ll go crazy yet … What do I care if she gets annoyed? … How long has the whole affair lasted, anyway? … Since January? … Oh, no, it must have been before Christmas … I brought her back candy from Graz, and at New Year’s she sent me a note …
That’s right, the letters that I have at home—are there any I should burn? … Hm, the one from Fallsteiner—if they find that letter … it might cause the fellow some unpleasantness … But what does that mean to me?—Well, it takes no great effort … but I can’t go hunting for that one scrap of paper … The best thing is to burn up everything … who needs it? It’s nothing but wastepaper.——And I could leave my handful of books to Blany.—Through Night and Ice … too bad, I’ll never get to finish it … I haven’t had much time for reading lately … an organ—oh, from the church … early Mass—I haven’t been to one for a long time … the last time was in February, when my platoon was ordered to go … But that didn’t count—I kept an eye on my men to see if they were attentive and behaved properly …—I’d like to go into the church … maybe there’s something to it …—Well, after my meal today I’ll know exactly … Ah, “after my meal” is a good one! … Well, what about it, should I go in?—I think it would be a comfort to Mama if she knew! … Klara sets less store by it … Well, let’s go in—it can’t hurt!
Organ music—singing—hm!—What’s this?—I’m all dizzy … Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! I’d like to have a person to talk to before I die!—That would be something—to go to confession! The priest would be surprised if at the end I said: Goodbye, Father; now I’m off to kill myself! …—I’d like best of all to lie down here on the stone floor and cry my heart out … Oh, no, that just isn’t done! But crying sometimes helps so much … Let’s sit down for a moment—but not fall asleep again as in the Prater! …—People who believe are better off, after all … Say, now even my hands are starting to tremble! … If it keeps on like this, I’ll finally become so repulsive to myself that I’ll kill myself purely from shame!—The old woman there—what can she still be praying for? … It might be an idea if I said to her: You, include me too … I never learned how to do it properly … Ha! I think dying makes you dumb!—Get up!—Now, what does that melody remind me of?—Holy God! Last night!—Out of here, out! I can’t stand this! … Sh! Not so much noise, don’t let your saber rattle—don’t disturb the people at their devotions—there!—it is better outdoors …
Light … Ah, it’s getting nearer all the time—if it were only over already!—I should have done it right away—in the Prater … I should never go out without my revolver … If I had had one last night … Damn it again!—I could go and have breakfast in the coffeehouse … I’m hungry … I always used to think it was strange that condemned prisoners still drank their coffee and smoked their cigar in the morning … Hell, I haven’t smoked at all! I don’t feel at all like smoking!—It’s funny; I would like to go to my coffeehouse … Yes, it’s already open, and surely none of our crowd is there now—and even so … at best, it shows that you kept cool. “At six he still had breakfast in the coffee-house, and at seven he shot himself” …
I’m completely calm again … walking is so pleasant—and the nicest thing about it is that no one is forcing me.—If I wanted, I could still throw up the whole kit and caboodle … America … What is “caboodle”? What’s a “caboodle”? I think I have sunstroke! … Oho, can it be that I’m so calm because I still imagine I don’t have to go through with it? … I must! I must! No, I want to!—Anyway, can you picture yourself, Gustl, taking off your uniform and deserting? And that dirty dog would roar with laughter—and even Kopetzky wouldn’t shake hands with you any more … I feel as if I’ve turned red.
The policeman is saluting me … I must return the salute … “Hi!” Now I’ve even said “Hi”! … That always gives pleasure to a poor devil like that … Well, no one has had to complain about me—off duty I was always friendly.—When we were on maneuvers, I gave Britannika cigars to the company officers and NCOs—I once heard a man behind me at rifle drill say something about “damned drudgery,” and I didn’t report him—I only said to him: “You, watch out, someone else might hear that sometime—then you’d be in for it!” … The Burghof … Who’s on guard today?—The Bosnians—they look good—the Lieutenant Colonel said lately: When we were down there in ’78, no one thought they would ever knuckle under to us like this! … Lord God, I would have liked to be in on something like that!—Now they’re all getting up from the bench—Hi, hi!
It’s really sickening that none of us can see combat.—Surely it would have been finer to die on the field of honor, for my country, than this way … Yes, Doctor, you’re really getting off lightly! … Could someone take over for me?—Damn me, I should leave instructions for Kopetzky or Wymetal to fight the guy in my place … Ha, he wouldn’t get out of it that easily!—What the hell! Isn’t it all the same what happens later on? I’ll never find out about it!—The trees here are in leaf … In the Volksgarten I once picked up a tart—she was wearing a red dress—she lived on Strozzigasse—later Rochlitz took her over … I think he still has her, but he doesn’t talk about it any more—maybe he’s ashamed … Steffiis still sleeping now … she looks so sweet when she sleeps … as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth!—Well, when they sleep they all look that way!—I really should still write her a note … and why not? Everybody does it— writes letters beforehand.—I should write to Klara, too, telling her to console Papa and Mama—and the usual things one writes!—and to Kopetzky, too … Damn me, I think it must be much easier if you’ve said goodbye to a few people … And the notification to regiment headquarters—and the hundred sixty gulden for Ballert … really still a lot to do … Well, nobody made me do it at seven … from eight on is still plenty of time to be dead! … To be dead, yes—that’s what it’s called—nothing you can do about it …
Ringstrasse—not long now before I’m in my coffeehouse … I think I’m even looking forward to breakfast … it’s unbelievable.——Yes, after breakfast I’ll light up a cigar, and then I’ll go home and write … Yes, first of all I’ll do the notification for headquarters; then comes the letter to Klara—then to Kopetzky—then to Steffi … but what should I write to that tramp? … “My dear child, you probably didn’t think” … Ah, nonsense!—“My dear child, I thank you very much” …—“My dear child, before I depart this life, I do not wish to neglect” …—Well, letter writing was never my strong point … “My dear child, a last farewell from your Gustl” …—What a surprise she’ll get! It’s really lucky I wasn’t in love with her … it must be sad to love somebody and then … Well, Gustl, behave: even this way it’s sad enough … After Steffi there would have been many others, you know, and maybe one that was worth something—a young girl from a good family with a dowry—it would have been very nice …
I must tell Klara in detail that I had no other way out … “You must forgive me, dear sister, and please console our dear parents, too. I know that I gave you all a lot of worries and caused you a lot of pain; but believe me, I always loved you all very much, and I hope you will still be happy some day, my dear Klara, and that you won’t altogether forget your unfortunate brother” … Oh, it’s better if I don’t write to her! … No, it makes me want to cry … my eyes start pricking as soon as I think of it … I’ll write just to Kopetzky—a chummy farewell, and ask him to give the news to the others …
Is it six already?—Oh, no: a half-hour to go—a quarter to.—What a cute face that is! … The little charmer with dark eyes I run into so often on the Florianigasse!—What will she say?—But she doesn’t even know who I am—she’ll just be surprised that she never sees me … The day before yesterday I made up my mind to speak to her the next time.—She’s flirted enough … she was so young—maybe she was even still a virgin! … Yes, Gustl! Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today! … I’m sure that guy there didn’t sleep all night, either.— Well, now he’ll go comfortably home and go to bed—so will I!—Ha, ha! Now it’s getting serious, Gustl, yes! … Well, if it weren’t for the little bit of fear, there would be nothing to it—and all in all, if I say so myself, I’m behaving well … Ah, where to now? That’s my coffeehouse … they’re still sweeping out … Well, let’s go in …
Back there is the table where they always play tarok. Strange, I can’t get it into my head that the guy who always sits in back against the wall is the same one who …—Not a soul here yet … Where’s the waiter? … Hey! Here he comes out of the kitchen … he’s slipping quickly into his coat … It’s really not necessary! … Oh, for him it is … he’ll have to wait on other people today!—
“How do you do, Lieutenant?”
“Good morning.”
“So early today, Lieutenant?”
“Oh, don’t bother—I don’t have much time, I can sit with my cloak on.”
“What would you like, Lieutenant?”
“Café au lait with a skin of milk.”
“Right away, Lieutenant!”
Ah, newspapers are lying there … today’s papers already? …
Anything in them yet? … What am I doing?—I think I want to look and see whether they have the story of my suicide! Ha, ha!—Why am I still standing? … Let’s sit down there by the window … He’s already set down my café au lait … There, I’ll draw the curtain: I hate it when people look in … Not that anyone is passing by yet … Ah, the coffee tastes good—after all, having breakfast wasn’t a foolish idea! … Ah, you become a totally new man—all those muddled thoughts came from having no supper … Why is the fellow already here again?—Ah, he’s brought me the rolls …
“Have you heard yet, Lieutenant?” …
“What?” For the love of God, does he know something already? … No, nonsense, that’s impossible!
“Mr. Habetswallner …”
What? That’s the name of the baker … what will he say now? … Maybe he’s already been here. Maybe he was already here last night and told the story … Why doesn’t he continue speaking? … But he is speaking …
“… had a stroke last night at twelve.”
“What?” … I shouldn’t shout like that … no, I shouldn’t let any thing show … but maybe I’m dreaming … I must ask him again … “Who had a stroke?”—Terrific, terrific!—I said that as innocently as possible!—
“The baker, Lieutenant! … You must know him, Lieutenant … you know, the fat man who plays tarok every afternoon alongside the officers … with Mr. Schlesinger and Mr. Wasner from the artificial-flower store sitting opposite!”
I’m fully awake—everything tallies—and yet I still can’t quite believe it—I must ask him again … but very innocently …
“He had a stroke? … Yes, but how was it? How do you know?”
“But, Lieutenant, who should know before we do?—the rolls you’re eating there were made by Mr. Habetswallner. The boy who brings us the baked goods at half past four in the morning told us.”
For the love of God, I mustn’t give myself away … I’d really like to shout … I’d like to laugh … I’d like to give Rudolf a kiss … But I still must ask him more! … To have a stroke doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s dead … I must ask whether he’s dead … but very calmly, because what’s the baker to me?—I must look at the paper while I ask the waiter …
“Is he dead?”
“Well, of course, Lieutenant; he was dead on the spot.”
Oh, wonderful, wonderful!—maybe all this is because I went to church …
“In the evening he was at the theater; he fell over on the stairs—the concierge heard the crash … well, and then they carried him into his apartment, and when the doctor got there it was already long over.”
“But that’s sad. He was still in the prime of life.”—It was terrific, the way I just said that—nobody could tell a thing … and I really have to restrain myself to keep from shouting or jumping onto the billiard table …
“Yes, Lieutenant, very sad; he was such a charming man, and he’d been coming to us for twenty years—he was a good friend of our proprietor. And his poor wife …”
I think I’ve never been so happy in my entire life … He’s dead—he’s dead! No one knows a thing, and nothing has happened!—And what a great stroke of luck that I came to the coffeehouse … otherwise I would have shot myself for nothing at all—after all, it’s like a dispensation of destiny … Where is Rudolf?—Ah, he’s talking to the furnace man …—So he’s dead—he’s dead—I still can’t believe it! I’d really like to go over and see for myself.——Maybe he had a stroke from rage, from pent-up anger … Ah, the reason makes no difference! The main thing is that he’s dead, and I can live, and I’ve got everything back again! … Funny how I keep on crumbling the rolls into the coffee—rolls that Mr. Habetswallner baked for me! They taste very good, Mr. von Habetswallner! Terrific!—There, now I’d like to smoke a cigar …
“Rudolf! You there, Rudolf! Leave the furnace man there in peace!”
“Yes, Lieutenant?”
“A Trabucco cigar” …—I’m so happy, so happy! … What shall I do? … What shall I do? … Something’s got to happen, or I’ll have a stroke myself from pure happiness! … In a quarter of an hour I’ll go over to the barracks and get a cold rubdown from Johann … half past seven is rifle drill, and half past nine is formation.—And I’ll write to Steffi that she must make herself available for tonight, even if all of Graz is at stake! And at four in the afternoon … just wait, my good man, just wait, my good man! I happen to be in good form … I’ll make mincemeat out of you!