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Confetti burst all around Maxi while the words “Welcome Player5970125” shimmered in the air. A man with red hair, beard, and glasses, in a yellow button-up shirt, blue tie, and khaki slacks, blew a noise maker. She had shielded herself when the pop went off, but as soon as she realized what was happening, she dropped her hands.
The confetti weren’t real, but rather a hologram that disappeared when she was blocking projectors on the edges of the room. It was a crude version of the holodeck from Star Trek with a visible mechanism designed for creating the three-dimensional images. The man was a projection, too, but before she could ask questions, he introduced himself.
“Hello, I’m Terry, a virtual HR assistant, here to guide you through your employment journey.”
“So, this whole place is a holodeck?” Maxi asked as she glanced around the room, observing gray tiles, another elevator door on the opposite side, and a podium with a QR code in the center of the room.
“Oh, no, just this room. You will be able to interact with me through phones, computer screens, or any piece of technology. Upper Management had this room constructed because surveyed players found their first interaction with me off-putting when I’d appear as a face on the phone screen.”
“Well, you’re doing a great job,” Maxi said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Thank you. I will note your customer satisfaction in your survey folder. You may put a numerical value to your statement at any time you choose, with 5 being ‘outstanding,’ and one being ‘room for improvement.’”
“Great,” Maxi said. “Mind telling me what the hell is going on here?”
“You’ve been hired by the most innovative work modality ever created, which will revolutionize the way the world conducts business,” Terry said.
“I was never interviewed.”
“The company believes everyone should get a fair chance. The more you level up, the greater the reward.”
“Like money? How much does it pay?”
“You get paid for completing quests, as well as in-game items and special abilities to help you complete more difficult challenges. The top Tier players and teams earn a portion of company profits, and the bottom Tier players are up for elimination.”
“Whoa! Whoa! I’m already Level: -1! How am I supposed to save myself from the chopping block?”
“You are still in your tutorial. Players in the tutorial are not listed in the rankings. After that, pending how you do in the tutorial, your continued employment will be based on your rankings.”
“Let’s start this tutorial, then,” Maxi said with a shrug.
If there was any corporate job where she’d excel, it would be this one. She was a top 10% player in every game she had ever played. It was the whole reason she had created a Spasm account in the first place. However, as soon as she tried to make money off her pastime, there was always one player a step above her.
It seemed she was always one rung away from all of her favorite Spasm streamers, the ones that got center stage at the conventions, the ones with a mind-boggling number of followers, the ones who could speedrun a game they got yesterday and break the servers when people plugged in to watch the challenge.
However, maybe this was her ticket. She could outgame corporate hacks and temp pool regulars. The people who worked here weren’t gamers like her, or else she would have heard about this place. She knew about every release before there were even trailers.
If it truly was gamified work, she’d be a badass. Unless it was something boring, like she had to collate papers to level up, then she’d make her $20 and get out. Leveling up through mind numbing office work didn’t make it any more interesting, just more ridiculous.
Terry motioned for her to scan the QR code. She pulled out her phone, but there was no signal in the building. She connected to the only Wi-Fi network showing, which said “Company Employee” and scanned the code. It took her to an app called “Company App” with a black triangle on a white background. She downloaded it and filled out a series of questions, checked boxes, agreed to terms, and when she got to the line that said “Ethnicity,” Terry came closer.
“Wait, don’t tell me. I’m usually good at this. Latina? Asian? Black? Indigenous? You’re not White, are you?”
She rolled her eyes and clicked “Other.” The last step asked her if she wanted to change her player name. She erased Player5970125 and wrote her online handle. An error appeared, but it wasn’t because a name was already in use or anything.
“For tax purposes, your handle must also include your legal name,” Terry said. “Most people use their first name, though you may add any personalization. Like Cool Maxi.”
She typed: “Maxi.” After a moment, she erased “Maxi,” wrote “Office Maxi,” and chuckled. After that, it came to a character sheet. The first tab was stats.
Name: Office Maxi
Gender: Female
Ethnicity: Other
Level: -1
Stats:
Ambition: 10
Adaptability: 8
Dedication: 10
Speed: 10
Creativity: 10
Emotional Intelligence: 10
Luck: 10
Life: 10/10
Stamina: 12/12
There were little “i’s” next to each entry for more information about each stat.
“Wait,” she said. “Why is adaptability at an 8?”
“You received a stat penalty for using outdated modalities of communication,” Terry said.
“Because I made a phone call? Why even put the number on your flier if you don’t want people to call it?!”
“Everything is tweaked for worker efficiency. Why make a phone call when an email, chat, or text would do? In your case, you simply had to click a button.”
“Yeah, but some things are just easier to do over the phone.”
“And in those cases, you will not be penalized. We only want you to thrive.”
“Okay, fine. Whatever.”
“If you are finished, please proceed to the next room to start your first day. Welcome to the team.”
“Wait, can I ask a question, or will I get penalized for that, too?” Maxi asked.
“No questions to your HR assistant are penalized, though some in-game circumstances—”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. How do I get paid? You didn’t ask for my bank account or Social Security number or anything.”
“All employees are considered contractors, and any tax responsibilities are between you and your country of origin. It was outlined in the terms and conditions you agreed to when you set up your profile.”
“No, I mean, your ad said same day pay.”
“Aspects of your character sheet will be unlocked when you earn them. As soon as you have credits, they will appear on your character sheet. You may then withdraw at any time to most major vendors like PayPal, Venmo, MoneyGuy, MoneyGal, MoneyPig, CryptoKing, KingCrypto—”
“All right, all right. How much is a credit worth?”
“Credits are currently exchanging for $1.1333332222333333555. To exchange, click on the—”
“I’m usually a learn-by-doing kinda gal,” Maxi said. “Show me to my first quest!”
“Sounds good. But before we go through that door, know that I will only be accessible by your phone. I would recommend one of your first upgrades be a Bluetooth headset so you can access me during battle.”
Battle? What kind of job was this?
Terry motioned to the exit on the far side of the room. “Proceed through the door to continue. Say ‘Tutorial.’”
A notification popped up on her phone.
NEW QUEST (TUTORIAL): “ANGRY CUSTOMER.”
GOAL: Survive the Angry Customer. Proceed through the door to accept.
TIME LIMIT: 30 minutes
ALLY LIMIT: 0
REWARD: 20 credits.
FAILURE: Termination of employment.
Maxi shrugged and walked through the sliding metal double door into an elevator that looked the same as the one she had used in the lobby: tacky 80s carpet, brass handlebar lining three sides, a mirror on the upper half, and a single button. She pressed it and said, “Tutorial.”
The elevator lurched and eventually opened to a dimly lit office. She stepped out, and a shuffling noise, as if something was moving around the corner, greeted her. She glanced in either direction, but there was nothing or no one around. It may have been the sound of the door closing behind her.
Rows of cubicles stretched out as far as she could see, but they were as empty as the lobby. She was about to call out, but figured making noise in the creepy office building probably wasn’t the best idea, and went further into the room to explore as silently as she could. The lights were faint and she couldn’t get a good read on the room size. Her future coworkers could be a little further down for all she knew.
She inspected one of the cubicles. Like every other desk so far, it had a computer with a double monitor and a headset. She opened the drawer and found standard office supplies: stapler, staple remover, pens, sticky notes, and anything a call center worker would need.
She turned her head and her heart almost leapt out of her chest. A fit blond man about her age wearing a white hoodie and skater pants stood in the threshold of the cubicle.
“Way to sneak up on a girl!” she said.
“Sorry,” he said. “I was with this weird AI guy and he said I had to go on the tutorial, so I figured you were the one I was supposed to talk to.”
“Let me guess, came here by elevator? Same here.”
“Yeah, do you know what we’re supposed to do?”
“Not a clue. Maxi.” She extended her hand.
“Joaquin.” He held out his, and they shook, going through the ritual society expected when meeting someone. Not that she would remember his name. She never remembered people’s names, no matter how firm their grip.
She dislodged herself from his grasp when a grunt and then the clack of a keyboard sounded. Placing her hand on her lips, she motioned to Joaquin, urging him to move. Not fully trusting him, she walked with him in the corner of her eye.
The clatter came again.
The sound wasn’t the clack of someone typing, but rather smacking the keys. It was steady and rhythmic. She considered turning back, but she’d be crazy to do so with the current exchange rate—one quest, and she could pay her share of the power bill. She could be done with the dungeon before dinner time and convince her mom that she had found a job.
If the job sucked, she would never have to come back.
It wouldn’t hurt to take a peek. She ducked low and crept toward the noise. Joaquin followed suit. Unsure whether his presence had changed anything, she took a quick look at her phone. The quest was still on the screen.
CURRENT QUEST: “ANGRY CUSTOMER.”
REWARD: 20 credits.
FAILURE: Termination of employment.
CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!
With each step, the noise got louder. She considered the AI assistant, briefly, but decided that Terry was skilled at obtuse answers and wouldn’t be much help. Keeping her phone out, just in case she needed to dial 911, she motioned to Joaquin to stay where he was, snuck up to the cubicle generating the noise, and peeked around the corner. A man in a button-up yellow shirt similar to Terry’s slammed his head down on the keyboard repeatedly.
CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!
The clothes were rumpled on the guy, and his shirt was stained with blood. The man grunted and whirled around. Maxi ducked and backtracked into the next cubicle, pushing Joaquin into it.
“What did you see?” Joaquin whispered.
“I don’t know, a zombie.”
“Like a zombie? Zombie?” He put his hands forward and shambled with a goofy expression.
“Like a walker! Shambler! Biter! Every post-apocalyptic survivor group has a name for them, but I wouldn’t know the CDC definition of them if that’s what you’re asking!” Maxi hissed; her stress levels elevated. “We should look for a way to defend ourselves.”
She opened the supply drawer for anything that resembled a weapon, and Joaquin went to a cabinet. The smacking noise had stopped, but was replaced by shuffling and grunting.
She panicked and grabbed the first thing she could. A message appeared on her phone. “+1 Stapler added to your inventory.”
Before she could puzzle out what the hell a +1 Stapler even meant, the zombie turned the corner of the cubicle. His face was rotted flesh with hollow eye sockets, and he drooled blood. He lunged at Joaquin and growled.
Maxi didn’t know she had it in her. She could have run. While the zombie guy was distracted, she could have slipped out and went for the elevator, but Joaquin seemed like a puffy little cat with doughy eyes.
She punched the zombie in the face with the stapler, and it stumbled. Joaquin used the distraction and ran to the elevator. She kicked it again; the undead crashed headfirst into the monitor and emerged with a bloody scalp. Before the zombie could attack her again, she turned and followed the poor sap stuck in the tutorial with her.
She made it to the elevator just as the crap bag she had saved shut the door on her, leaving her with that thing. Before she could think, the zombie tackled her. They crashed to the ground. Using one arm, she held its head back, but it still snapped at her. With her other arm, her makeshift weapon in hand, she tried to thwack it but couldn’t get in a good blow. Lacking better options, she lowered the bottom half of the stapler and stapled the thing’s mouth shut with a few well-placed thumps.
The creature lost interest in her and attempted to claw out the staples with muffled grunts. However, it was too uncoordinated to do anything but bloody its fingertips in the process. A couple of feet away, her phone buzzed and dinged. She crawled out from underneath the subdued zombie and looked at her device.
QUEST “ANGRY CUSTOMER” COMPLETE.
Level up.
+1 Creativity
+1 Luck
+2 Stats
+4 SP
Learned new skill: Sneak +0
Awards: 20 credits.
Acquired uncommon item: +1 Stapler of Binding.
There was more information, but she went for the elevator. While the gamer in her wanted to spend her stat and skill points, she valued her life more than whatever messed up human experiment was going on here. She called the lift and planned to head right back to the lobby and out the front entry.
The door opened, and she stepped inside. She pressed the button and said, “Lobby.”
An error appeared on her phone. Seconds later, a message popped up. “Time off can only be purchased from your Office Pool desktop.”
“That explains the empty lobby,” Maxi said. “Fine, whatever, Office Pool.”
The elevator lurched again with that strange express elevator sensation and, after a few moments, opened to a room full of desk jockeys packed in cubicles, most wearing the same yellow shirt and slacks the zombie had been wearing.
An Asian guy with a goatee, mustache, and long hair pulled back in a ponytail, wearing a three-piece suit, turned to her. “Newb!”