Lily took a deep breath before putting the key in the lock of the front door.
She had hoped that the short drive home from Willow Tree Hall would help clear her mind and give her the courage to tell her parents that she’d lost yet another job. But it hadn’t.
She hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything after Jack had kissed her.
Why had he done that? Her stomach lurched at the memory. He had felt so good. So familiar. So right.
But it was all wrong. She wasn’t some naive sixteen-year-old any more.
How many women had he kissed since their last kiss? How many before he had first kissed her? She sighed. She didn’t want to think about that. After all, she had been nearly engaged.
And Mark’s kisses never felt like that, she found herself thinking.
Lily felt cross. It wasn’t fair! He had dumped her just before the prom. And yet… since he had returned to the village he had been a little softer. Kinder. He had looked out for her. And he had saved her life.
All of which meant that she was even more confused and miserable as she opened up her front door.
‘Hello,’ she called out.
Her mother dashed out of the kitchen, clutching a tea towel. ‘What are you doing back here so soon? Thought you’d be busy up at the Hall.’
‘I just wanted to make sure Grandad was OK.’
‘He’s asleep in his room,’ whispered Celia. ‘He hardly got any sleep last night. You know what it’s like in hospitals. How are you feeling?’
‘I’m OK. I’ve had lunch. Just a bit of a headache.’
‘I’m not surprised. Moonshine! Honestly!’ Her mother tutted and went to turn away.
Lily sighed. ‘We need to talk.’
Expecting histrionics, she was somewhat relieved when her mother merely nodded thoughtfully and said, ‘Come on through. The kettle’s just boiled.’
She went into the kitchen and watched as her dad’s face lit up to see her. ‘Hello, love,’ he said, beaming as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. ‘Should I have tried to win a homebrew kit instead of this stationery?’
He pointed at the pile of notebooks and pencils on the kitchen table.
‘Maybe,’ said Lily, trying to fill her voice with enthusiasm.
‘I’m going to donate them to the infant school,’ he carried on. ‘They’re always desperate for supplies.’
Her mother sighed. ‘And what about us? What about all the things we’re desperate for?’
Lily gulped. This was a bad start to the conversation and she hadn’t even told them about losing her job yet.
‘I didn’t think we needed any more things cluttering up the house,’ said her dad.
‘But maybe we could have sold them?’ replied her mother.
Her dad laughed. ‘How much money do you think this lot will bring us in?’
Celia sighed heavily as she sat down at the table. ‘I don’t know. I’m too tired to think any more. I’m wrung out with worry.’
‘About what?’ asked Lily.
Her mother looked at her. ‘Well, you and your grandfather for a start.’
‘We’re fine,’ said Lily. ‘Or at least I am. Is Grandad OK?’
‘Coughing well, but other than that he’s just tired.’
Lily nodded. ‘Good.’
‘I’m still getting endless phone calls from everyone about Jack,’ said her mother. ‘So brave. Such a turnaround in character.’
‘Did I hear that he’s working up at the Hall?’ asked her dad.
‘He’s helping Will renovate one of the barns,’ Lily told him.
‘And don’t you have work to do today?’ asked her mother.
‘Not any more. I think I’ve lost another job.’
Her parents exchanged a look of dismay. ‘What do you mean?’ said Celia, stunned. ‘Whatever happened?’
‘I was too pushy, apparently,’ Lily told them. ‘I was so wrapped up in my lists that I didn’t realise that I might be upsetting a few people.’
Her mother was frowning. ‘But who told you this? Isn’t Annie still in hospital?’
Lily shook her head. ‘No, she’s home and fine. Resting. But we had a disagreement over something before she needed to go into hospital. It’s all my fault.’ She sighed. ‘It doesn’t matter. I didn’t deserve the job, anyway.’
‘Why would you say that?’ asked her dad.
‘Because it’s true.’ Lily fiddled with the salt and pepper pots on the table. ‘I don’t deserve anything because of what I did when I was younger.’ The tears made her words sound thick and blurred. ‘For all the trouble I caused. You know, when I was at school.’
‘That was just teenage hormones,’ said Celia. ‘No, we didn’t want you to get into trouble but we knew you were a good girl and would grow out of it.’
‘But I made such a mess of things,’ muttered Lily. ‘And then I caused the accident.’
Her parents took in a deep breath as one.
‘That wasn’t your fault!’ said her mother, reaching out to squeeze her hand.
‘Yes, it was,’ cried Lily. ‘If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself then you wouldn’t have taken us out for a meal and we wouldn’t have been in the car.’
Her dad shuffled around the table to put his arm around his daughter. ‘It’s not your fault,’ he said. ‘If anything, it was mine. I was five miles over the speed limit. We all know that. It’s my fault that I’m stuck like this. My fault that your mother has to work all the hours to keep a roof over our heads. My fault.’
‘Richard, you’re wrong.’
They both turned to look at her mum. ‘You didn’t crash the car. Somebody drove into us. It was sheer bad luck, that’s all. That’s perhaps why we’re so frustrated about it, but that’s all.’
Lily leaned back in her chair. Was that right? Was she feeling guilty for something that wasn’t within her power to change?
‘I think we all just need to forgive ourselves,’ said her dad, ‘for surviving.’
‘Except we didn’t.’ Her mother looked upset. ‘We’re still miserable. It’s almost as if we did die a little in that accident.’
‘But we didn’t,’ said Lily’s dad, reaching out to his wife.
‘No,’ said Celia, nodding slowly as if realising something. ‘You’re right. We need to remember that. And perhaps keep remembering if we’re ever going to move on. And, by God, we need to move on, don’t we?’
As her mum began to cry, Lily and her dad gathered to hug her, and the three of them huddled together for a long while.
‘We have to stop blaming ourselves,’ said Celia finally.
‘And we need to start living again,’ added Lily, thinking of Jack’s words.
He had been right. The endless guilt. The need to punish herself over and over. To keep in control. It was all useless.
She might be out of a job but maybe, just maybe, she had been given a fresh start. As had her parents.
The kiss between her and Jack had just been for old times’ sake. That was all.
They were just friends. And it touched her that he still cared about her like that.
At least, that was what she was hoping. Because her heart wouldn’t be able to cope with being broken by him a second time.