four

HABIT 2:

CONSCIOUSLY PUSH BACK

If you’ve done your Habit 1 homework, you now have some pretty strong if/then statements to help you work around and through goal-derailing situations. Good. Keep working that mental muscle and you will find yourself getting stronger and stronger in the face of temptations.

But let’s be real. There will be times when you fall off the no-dessert or daily-exercise wagon. This is completely understandable. You know you’re not going to have 100 percent compliance. Because you’re not a robot, remember? Skinny people aren’t perfect either!

What matters is how you deal with your inevitable slipups. Will you:

A: See your slipup as the latest sign that you are never going to be able to lose weight, that you are hopeless, that you might as well just give up now and have another brownie or milkshake or bowl of pasta or quit the gym, or will you…

B: Forgive yourself for your imperfections, tell your inner demons to go back to hell, and get on with the business of trying to toe the healthy-living line?

A is the automatic and irrational response. B is the considered and rational response. No surprise here: thin and healthy people choose option B. They understand that having two slices of that chocolate cake at last night’s party was one and a half pieces too many, but it is not the end of the world. They are well aware that sitting on the couch all weekend bingeing on Netflix and popcorn did not live up to their fitness goals, but they can get over it and do better tomorrow (starting with developing a couple of new if/then strategies for party going or movie watching!).

So now, the obvious question: How can you wash yourself clean of your automatic/irrational responses and train yourself to be more considered and rational? Well, if shame is the feeling that sends you running back to old and comforting ways—to the refrigerator or the fast-food drive-thru or the living room couch—conscious mental pushback is the antidote. Pushback is the mental process through which you are going to shine a bright light on your irrational thoughts and analyze them for what they are and are not. And that, my friends, is something you can make a habit!

THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

First, though, let’s step back and figure out what’s going on when you’re irrational. Maybe you’re thinking: The whole world is watching or Everyone thinks I’m such a loser. What’s irrational about either of those statements, of course, is that the whole world is not staring at you; that’s physically impossible. And everyone really doesn’t care so much about your personal life. Why do you let that kind of thought hijack reality?

Part of the answer is that you’ve likely created a neurological connection linking the experience of making a mistake to the reaction of shame; you’ve got a well-worn path in your brain for that kind of automatic thinking. And remember, once that groove is in place, your brain takes that shortcut to save energy.

Maybe you first started forming your personal brain path from slipup to shame way back when you were a child. Maybe an adult hollered at you and made you feel terrible about yourself once (or repeatedly). Or maybe there’s someone in your life—a spouse, a boss, a “good” friend—who criticizes you all the time, and somewhere along the line you started to believe their hype.

There’s no doubt that shame-filled, irrational thinking has root causes that might be found through formal psychotherapy (maybe years of it). And there’s nothing wrong with trying to figure out the formative experience or access the memory at the root of it all. Knowledge is power! But while you’re talking on the couch and wringing your hands and going through boxes of your shrink’s tissues, you might also find it helpful to sit up and examine your thoughts from another perspective. Consider the wisdom of Dr. Aaron Beck—an Ivy League–educated clinical psychiatrist—who is considered the father of a psychological theory called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I think of him as the Father of Pushback.

Early on, Beck seemed destined for a career in traditional psychotherapy, the kind where the patient lies on a couch and the psychoanalyst listens thoughtfully in a chair across the room, reflecting back and interpreting for the patient what he or she is hearing.

But one day, he had a profound insight. The patient on his couch had been telling him all about her sexual escapades and the anxiety she felt around them, and he’d been brilliantly psychoanalyzing the connection between forbidden thoughts and unconscious anxiety. They seemed to be making progress together. Above and beyond her happiness that they’d made some kind of breakthrough, she also seemed relieved.

“I was afraid that I was boring you,” she explained.

Beck was surprised by this comment and seized on it. When he pressed her to tell him how long she’d been worrying that she was boring him, she admitted, “All the time.” Furthermore, she revealed, “I think it when I am with you and when I am with other people.” In other words, worrying that she was a bore clouded this woman’s every thought about herself!

A lightbulb went off for him. As he later related the story: “It then occurred to me that there are two types of communication: internal and external. Internal refers to the automatic thoughts people have about themselves which they do not ordinarily share. On the other hand, thoughts usually communicated (i.e., external) in psychoanalysis are of the kind that people do communicate to other people.” At this point, Beck realized that what we don’t say out loud may be more useful than what we do say. He realized that our automatic thoughts propel us silently but powerfully. He realized he needed to help his patients get at those quiet, internal, automatic thoughts to help them change long-ingrained behavior. To do so, he explained, he would “sit them up [from the couch] so that we could talk back and forth.” Cognitive behavioral therapy—the process through which doctor and patient find ways to interrupt those internal and automatic thoughts—was born!

It may seem so simple to us now, but what Beck was identifying was the vicious cycle of misinterpreted events leading to irrational thoughts. They are thoughts that provoke negative emotions and that lead to unhealthy behavior, which lead back to irrational thinking and so on. And even though Beck wasn’t specifically concerned with weight loss, the cycle he pinpointed is, as you know, so so so problematic if you’re trying to lose weight! The cycle looks like this:

Feeling abandoned or unloved or insecure sends us rushing back to the harmful behavior that, in turn, sends us back into the shame cycle. Skinny people are able to interrupt the irrational connections between stressful or disappointing situations so that disappointment, regret, or even shame does not lead instantly to behaviors that will only make them feel worse.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR DISTORTED THINKING

As Beck looked for ways to put his insight into action with his patients, he returned to his basic proposition: regardless of where these automatic thoughts “originally came from” (traditional, long-term therapy’s approach), their very presence in a person’s life now was information enough to fundamentally tweak the way they interpret themselves and the world around them.

Eventually, he coined the term “cognitive distortion” to describe the way our automated thoughts can quickly turn irrational. And over time, he came up with a list of common forms of cognitive distortion, many of which overlap and feed into others.

Again, knowledge is power. Getting to know these fifteen common thought processes is the first step toward interrupting them. Check out the list below—these aren’t the technical psychological terms that Beck used, but the gist of the types are intact. See yourself in any of the examples?

1. Using a Bad Filter

You see all the negative details, totally blow them out of proportion, and don’t even bother considering the positive aspects of a situation.

Example: Susan has been working hard at her exercise program for six months. She checks her progress on the scale and in the mirror every morning. She is definitely losing some weight and her arms and legs are looking more toned than ever, but her midsection isn’t as slim as she would like it to be. Instead of acknowledging her progress (which would make her feel good about herself and give her more energy), she focuses on the size of her waist, letting that “problem spot” be the filter for interpreting the success (or failure) of her efforts. This makes her feel depressed and she starts losing enthusiasm for her workout.

YOUR BRAIN ON SHAME

In 2010, researchers at England’s Aston University made a discovery that shines a little more light on what’s going on in that head of yours when you experience shame. The researchers took scans of the brains of people they’d exposed to critical, denigrating self-talk. In essence, they were shaming these people and then seeing the effect on brain activity. The imaging hot spots (showing the parts of the brain being engaged) appeared in the regions known as the left lateral orbitofrontal cortex, the left lateral prefrontal cortex, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, and the inferior temporal cortex. You can look up those fancy scientific terms if you like. Or you can take my word for it that these regions have been linked to what are called “error processing” and “defensive states”—either anxiety (fight) or depression (flight). Simply put, to the brain, coping with the emotion of shame is similar to being anxious or depressed. Talk about thinking unhappy thoughts!

By contrast, when the same researchers exposed their subjects to self-reassuring, complimentary self-talk, distinctly different parts of the brain lit up. This time, the imaging hot spots appeared in the left temporal pole and the insula, regions usually linked to empathy and compassion for others. The brain uses the same areas when exercising self-compassion as it does when being compassionate or kind to others.

Knowing this, and knowing that you can actually manipulate your brain by being deliberate about the quality of your self-talk, why would you ever talk to yourself so unkindly? What would you say to your best friend if she confided in you that she’d just binged on unhealthy food for a whole weekend? Wouldn’t you tell her to forgive herself and get back to healthier living without a glance back at the caloric, slothful weekend? Yes, you would.

Okay, would you cut yourself the same kind of slack? Probably not. But you will learn to. What you think about yourself is true, so think kind thoughts.

2. Black and White Thinking

You can’t see the gray areas of a situation. You’re either perfect or you’re a failure. No middle ground!

Example: Jane has followed her diet successfully for three weeks, but she slips up and has one cookie during an office meeting. Instead of seeing that cookie as an isolated bump on an otherwise very smooth road (three weeks of diet adherence!), she takes an all-or-nothing view of her failure; she allows that one cookie to derail her completely. All is lost! She eats another five cookies at the meeting, and picks up a pizza and a tub of ice cream on the way home for dinner.

3. Overgeneralizing

If something bad happens once, you think it will always be that way.

Example: Steve has been diligent with his diet and exercise program for a while. He has lost weight and he is looking good, but he still worries that he is not attractive to women. He summons up the courage to ask a woman out on a date. It is a pleasant evening, but it is obvious that there is no sexual chemistry between them. Instead of acknowledging that this is perfectly natural (sexual chemistry can’t be sparked with everyone) and gaining confidence from being back on the dating circuit, he jumps to the conclusion that women are simply not attracted to him. He tells himself that he will never find love because he is too fat and too ugly. Shame sets in. He doesn’t go on another date for a year.

4. Mind Reading

You think you can divine what people think about you and why they act the way they do. And without any evidence!

Example: Lindsey is shopping for a new outfit to inspire her to stay on track with her diet. She finds a pair of jeans she loves, but she can’t find her size. She approaches a saleswoman and asks if they have her size in the back. A minute later, she sees the saleswoman talking in hushed tones to another person who works in the store. They are both glancing over at Lindsey. The two saleswoman are actually discussing whether they can give Lindsey the pair in her size they know is on hold in the back (a pair stashed there for one of the saleswomen’s sisters), but Lindsey assumes that they are talking about her weight and laughing at her size. She leaves the shop in shame before the saleswoman can return with the good news that they do have one pair left!

5. Inflating/Catastrophizing

You totally blow everything out of proportion. You expect the worst out of any given situation.

Example: John has been on a new exercise regimen for three months. He is starting to feel great, and he is enjoying the new muscle definition in his arms and shoulders. One day, he bench-presses a little too enthusiastically and feels a slight twinge in his shoulder. The next day his shoulder is a bit sore so he decides to take a couple of days off. Then he starts obsessing. He keeps moving his arm to check if the pain is still there, which in turn aggravates the sore spot. He researches shoulder anatomy online and starts panicking that he has a rotator cuff injury that will immobilize him for months and turn him back into a weak-armed fatty. Feeling totally disillusioned, John stops going to the gym altogether.

6. Judge and Jury

You think that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction (usually bad) to you. Then you compare yourself to others and set up an idea against which to unrealistically judge yourself.

Example: Anne is looking for somebody to help her keep up her fitness goal of walking for one hour twice a week. Anne invites her coworker, Lucy, to join her for a walk. During the walk, Lucy tells Anne that she regularly runs marathons. Anne is mortified; she assumes that she is slowing Lucy down and is convinced that Lucy is bored. When Lucy tells Anne how much she is enjoying walking and chatting, Anne doesn’t believe her. Anne spends the rest of the walk worrying that Lucy thinks she is fat and unfit and comparing her legs unfavorably to Lucy’s.

7. Control-ism

You must be in control, even over things that you really can’t reliably control! If you can’t, you feel that you have failed, that you are weak, and you lapse into a shame-binge cycle.

Example: Ken is struggling to keep to his gym routine. One recent morning all he really wanted to do was lie down in the garden and read, but he made himself get into his workout gear and drive to the gym. On the way, however, his car broke down. Rather than get mad at the manufacturer or his local mechanic, Ken got burning mad at himself. Convinced that it was all his fault—that he “must have” been irresponsible in maintaining the car (even though he’s very responsible about it)—he shouted at the sky, “Typical me!” He finally phoned for roadside assistance, but since his routine was out of whack, he walked to a nearby donut shop while waiting for help to arrive. One donut became two…and so began the binge.

8. The Fairness Delusion

You feel you know what is fair in most situations. If others disagree or behave in what you would consider “unfair” ways, you are resentful. You feel resentful because you think you know what is fair but others won’t agree with you.

Example: Tina goes over to her friend’s house for lunch. She brings a veggie salad and a big bunch of grapes. Two other friends who are healthy and thin are also invited. One of them brings a big bag of potato chips and the other brings a box of cupcakes. They tuck in enthusiastically, exclaiming how much they enjoy “naughty” treats and a good gossip. Tina resents this, as they know she is on a diet. Tina claims that it is not fair that she should have to watch them eat the goodies while she deprives herself, so she joins in.

9. Blame-Gaming

Someone is always to blame. You hold other people responsible for your pain, which is—let’s face it—not always rational, or, worse, you blame yourself for everything.

Example: Ellen is a single mother of two young children and she has been struggling with her weight for a long time. Her doctor told her that if she doesn’t start exercising, she is likely to suffer health complications. She wants to be the healthiest mother she can be for her children, so she resolves to go to the gym on Monday morning and sign up for some sessions with a personal trainer. On Monday morning, one of her children is sick, so she has to drop him at her mother-in-law’s house. There is a terrible accident on the freeway, and she gets stuck in traffic for an hour. She misses her time slot at the gym and has to go to work instead. She blames herself for failing to start her exercise program and feels like a bad mother.

10. The “Should” Illusion

You have a secret list of many inflexible commandments and rules about how you and others should act. You blame yourself if you break the rules, and others if they do—even if they have no clue about your “shoulds.”

Example: Dave was in a car accident ten years ago that has left him with ongoing back pain. He also has high blood pressure from excessive alcohol consumption, and he pushes himself too hard at work. Dave wants to start exercising and his doctor recommends that he take up yoga to help with his back issues and reduce his stress levels. Instead of finding a gentle class that is appropriate for his age and his health issues, Dave takes a power yoga class because his internal “commandments” stipulate that he should always be able to take on the toughest of challenges. Dave forces himself into difficult positions that are way beyond his ability and does something to his back. As he hobbles out of the studio he thinks: I should have been able to do that easily. What’s wrong with me? Feeling more stressed than when he went in, he swears off more yoga.

11. Making Feelings into “Fact”

“What I feel must be true.” If you feel fat, you are. If you feel stupid, you are.

Example: Jill recently discovered that she has a sensitivity to dairy; milk and yogurt and ice cream and cheese all make her feel really bloated and gassy. Since she’s been avoiding dairy products, she’s lost quite a lot of weight and looks and feels fabulous. For her birthday, she and her husband go out to a little Italian restaurant they’ve been wanting to try. They have a great time, laughing away and planning a vacation for the following year to Italy. Caught up in the festive mood, she decides to “treat” herself to a pizza with fresh mozzarella and also a gelato for dessert. On the drive home, Jill starts to feel bloated and lousy. She loosens her belt. Forgetting that the cheese and gelato might have been the source of her problem, she registers that she is getting fat. Her spirits plummet, she gets into an argument with her husband, and the next day she goes off her no-dairy plan again…and again and again.

12. The Change Delusion

You think other people will always change just because you pressure or “convince” them to do so. If they don’t change, your hopes for happiness are dashed.

Example: Pam and Geoff are retired and they do everything together. They visit their grandchildren, go to movies, grocery shop as a team, and even read the same books so they can talk about them together. One of their favorite things to do is go out for indulgent lunches. Needless to say, they are both on the heavy side. Pam is more bothered by this than Geoff, and she suggests that they change their eating patterns and introduce daily walks into their routine. Geoff vehemently resists, telling Pam that he wants to carry on enjoying life as they have been doing. “Life’s short!” he exclaims. “We should be doing what we want at our age!” Pam makes the argument that their lives will be longer and happier if they are healthier. But Geoff refuses to change. Instead of making her own changes within their routine—such as ordering salad at lunch instead of pasta, and going off for a stroll in the afternoons while Geoff is napping—Pam concludes that it is useless to try without Geoff, and she gives up on the idea of being healthy.

13. Global Labeling

You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment that must apply to everyone all the time.

Example: Deborah grew up in a military family and was raised by strict parents. Deborah’s sister, Tessa, flourished and became a sergeant major in a Marine Expeditionary Unit. Deborah, meanwhile, struggled with her weight and showed an incredible flair for decorating cakes—an ability whose value was lost on her parents. Eventually Deborah moved away from home to pursue her dream of opening up a cake shop. As part of her new life, she decided to join a local weight-loss support group. She was hoping to be inspired, but as she sits looking at the overweight people in the room, she finds herself judging them for being weak and lacking in willpower. She concludes that support groups are all “just for losers.” She leaves the meeting, trying to convince herself that she should be able to lose weight by herself.

14. Perfectionism

You see everything through the lens of being right all the time. You put yourself on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct.

Example: Tom is an overachieving lawyer and a junk food addict. When he starts dating a girl at work, he decides it is time to start eating healthily and taking care of his appearance. He researches all of the latest diets and exercise programs and devises for himself an austere regime of juice fasting and long-distance running. When Tom’s girlfriend questions the extremity of his choices and complains that he doesn’t spend enough time with her because he is always out running, Tom insists that he has come up with the perfect way to achieve optimal fitness. She tries to point out that his regime is not sustainable, but he won’t listen and he accuses her of trying to undermine his efforts. She breaks up with him. Tom brands himself unlovable and relapses into eating junk food.

15. The Atta-Boy “Rule”

You expect that all of your sacrifices and hard work will be constantly rewarded with praise (either verbal or some kind of tangible award). If you don’t get that praise or accolade, you both resent others and denigrate yourself for “failing.”

Example: Jenny holds herself to a very high standard in all areas of her life. She has a well-paying job, a great husband, and a beautifully kept house. She works out religiously and prides herself on looking good. She often gets compliments from complete strangers. Jenny and her husband decide to have a child and, at age forty-two, she gives birth to twins. She returns to her workout routine as soon as she can and continues to eat healthfully. But, try as she might, she cannot shift the last layer of “baby fat” and is dismayed to look in the mirror and see bags around her eyes. She is not turning heads like she used to and concludes she is unattractive. She resents her best friend, who is younger and who bounced back very quickly after giving birth. Jenny punishes herself for being a failure and begins to distance herself from her husband. She starts skipping her workouts and turning to food for comfort.

INTERRUPTING YOUR DISTORTED THINKING

Tired of reading all those irrational thoughts and thought distortions? Recognize yourself all too many times? Ready to start interrupting that nonsense and push back? Yes, yes, yes, Bob!

Okay, it’s time for you to do a little research. Before you get all hot and bothered and toss this book aside because you’re sensing work, let me assure you that I’m not talking about the kind required to write a term paper.

The kind of research I’m talking about is the collection of information (facts, evidence, actual past experiences) that overrides the old, subjective messages you’ve created and repeated to yourself. In other words, you’re just going to step back a little from the situation, observe the illogic of your thoughts, and interject a rational thought or two that will interrupt the negative self-talk just long enough to put your thoughts on a slightly different path. A positive path. A self-compassionate path. A path that will soon wear a new and positive and healthy and self-compassionate groove into your brain! Voila—there’s your Skinny Habit.

Here is a classic example of the slip-shame cycle and the three steps you need to take to stop it in its tracks:

Situation: You have just weighed yourself and, unfortunately, you’ve put on two pounds.

Now, inevitably and understandably, you are going to feel a variety of things: shame, frustration, fear of rejection, impotence, weakness, anger about the unfairness of it all. And then you’re going to have your own brand of negative automatic thoughts. Maybe: “Everyone will notice at the beach party tomorrow and be talking about it at the office on Monday.” Or maybe, “Oh crap! No matter what I do, I fail.”

STEP 1: Note the automatic thoughts you have immediately after the situation: “Great. Another example of my weakness!”

STEP 2: Pause and just note what emotions you feel. This doesn’t take more than a second. Just make a mental note! The simple act of observing your own thought pattern is sometimes enough to shift things right away.

STEP 3: Looking over the preceding list of fifteen common thought distortions, try to pinpoint which one (or ones) are in evidence here. What’s the unconstructive mental pattern at play? Here again, just labeling the insanity can be enough to snuff it out. But let’s make sure, okay? Move to step 4.

STEP 4: Interject at least one fact that counters the distortion. For example: “I’ve put on two pounds before and I have lost it again pretty fast.” Or, here’s a “fact-based” statement that’s perhaps not quantifiable in a lab but is based on what we all know to be true: “Everyone is a little self-conscious in a bathing suit, which means that everyone will probably be focused on themselves and not me.” Or use the “catchall” pushback: imagine what you’d say to a friend in the same situation. Would you tell her she should be ashamed of herself, or would you encourage her not to see this as more than what it is: a temporary setback?

The game changer in this process is the rational and self-compassionate information you use as ammunition. In the Habit Homework, you’re going to be proactive about stockpiling that ammunition! I think you’ll be amazed at how quickly this averts the slip-shame-binge cycle. You’ll feel calmer and more in control already. The renewed self-reassurance will start lighting up the brain regions you want to engage instead of those competing self-critical regions!

Thought Interruption in Action

When I first met her on the set of season eight of The Biggest Loser, Amanda Arlauskas was an energetic and determined nineteen-year-old from New Jersey. Amanda eventually placed third on the show, losing 87 pounds, going from 250 pounds to 163! She was a truly inspirational young woman.

After she left the show, however, Amanda went back to the same world she’d gotten overweight in. Since it was New Jersey—pizza central—there was saucy, cheesy temptation around every corner. Furthermore, she felt like she was “living in a snow globe” and that people who recognized her from the show were scrutinizing her every move. “Anywhere I went, people were sizing me up. You know, like What is she wearing? and What is she eating? and Is she getting fat?”

With the stress and the opportunity to binge on a food she loved, Amanda regained forty pounds.

Let’s break this down so far: She had a slip—the stress eating of pizza. She started to really beat herself up mentally. Those thoughts and feelings aroused and reinforced destructive beliefs she had about herself. So she ate more. She gained more. As she put it: “I had a total meltdown. I was thinking, What is wrong with me? Will I always be screwing up? All of my demons came back.” All along, her thoughts were distorted: she was guilty of mind reading (Everyone thinks I am getting fat) and telling the future (I will always screw up), and she was also blinded by the “should” illusion because she felt The Biggest Loser had given her the tools to deal better with temptation and weight gain.

But then one day, Amanda had a revelation that routed her thoughts in another direction. She saw a photo of herself taken when she was lighter. She noted that she looked pretty damn good in that picture, and she liked that look. She remembered being that size. “I started thinking, you know, that’s me! That’s the person I really am.” And when she put on her “skinny clothes,” she could see that she could still fit into them, if not totally comfortably. She started to realize that she was still within striking distance of her weight goals. All was not lost!

As she describes it: “I realized I had been thinking, I’ll never get slim again. I’m so weak. I’ll always be alone. But in reality I had ‘skinny clothes’ that kind of still fit and I had a boyfriend who thought I still looked great.” She used those rational views of herself to override the older, irrational thinking. When she was feeling down about the slow climb back to her Biggest Loser best, she recalled the facts: she’d managed to keep weight off for long periods of time before; her clothes still fit; she had photos to prove she’d met her goals in the past; by all signs her friends loved her. “I felt better, ready to tackle all the demons that always go off in my head!”

What about all those people sniping at her? Amanda got rational about that as well: “Let’s face it—most people are just too self-centered to even notice others, let alone form a reasonable judgment.”

Eventually Amanda lost the weight and kept it off. It was not easy. “I realized then that I had to force myself to do something when the demons came back. I had to tell myself, ‘No, that is not me! The facts say something different, Amanda. You made a mistake, but you’re not a failure.’ ”

HABIT HOMEWORK

Now that you understand the process of pushing back, you probably need to practice this conscious interruption process. You’ll definitely need to arm yourself with some rational ammunition you can fire at your destructive thoughts!

BONUS HOMEWORK

Keep a running list of rational pushbacks on your computer or on the note-taking app on your phone. Better yet, print out or write out some of your best one-liners and put them where you’ll see them when you need them—on your bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, on your workout clothes drawer, on the kitchen door! These rational reminders of your own power and of your own positive experiences will slow you down from breaking your if/then promises to yourself!

STEP 1: To get started, think of a recent real event and/or typical situation that would send you spiraling downward. Imagine the situation: What, exactly, with no embellishment, happened?

STEP 2: Now write what you automatically thought. Got that noted? Great.

STEP 3: How did that automatic thought make you feel—physically and emotionally? Make a note, mental or otherwise.

STEP 4: Look at the list of common thought distortions on this page. Pick out the ones that seem to underlie your negative automatic thoughts. You get it. It’s like inventorying your main mistakes and giving them a name. You’ll start to see a pattern. Believe me, you’ll start to see a pattern.

STEP 5: Now for each irrational thought/thought distortion, try to imagine what you’ll say to yourself the next time such a situation occurs.