That night, in my hotel room, just miles away from the Hollywood sign, Julian made love to me like I was a movie star. He made a line down my spine with his tongue and ran his fingers up and down my thighs. He must’ve whispered “I love you” in my ear a thousand times. As we moved together beneath the sheets, I could feel his heart beating against mine and I knew he meant every word he said. I struggled to hold my breath to experience every sensation that ran through my body as his chest rubbed up against my back. I had to feel him all around me, inside of me, in order to believe that he was really there and that it wasn’t just one of my dreams. I forgot about Tamia, I forgot about Tasha. It was just about me and my man.
I closed my eyes and imagined that we were making love in our own home just days after our wedding. Julian’s wedding band was smiling on his finger between us and everything, everything was perfect. Finally, he was mine…again.
By the time morning came at 6, I was lying peacefully in his arms, trying to figure out if I should jump out of bed and run through the streets of L.A. screaming, “He’s mine,” or lie still in Julian’s arms and pray the moment would never end. Somewhere between trying to decide what outfit I would wear to run down the street and coming up with something to say to the police when they arrested my ass, I remembered something—the Take Her Man Plan.
I ran down the “Six Steps to Success” in my head and realized that while I wasn’t even thinking about it, after the disaster with Kyle in the park, I had completed just about every step. My reaction to Tamia’s brush with death and Tasha’s disappearance, while awful and totally unplanned by me, was step five, “Damsel in Distress.” Just as Tasha had said he would, Julian responded by coming to my rescue and I, as the step says to, “fell into his arms.”
I turned to face Julian in the bed. Watching him sleep, his mouth open just wide enough for me to slip a nickel inside, I couldn’t believe Tasha’s little plan had worked. That day, sitting across from Julian at the sushi bar as he’d broken my heart and given back the key to my apartment, I’d thought all hope was gone. I’d thought it was over, just as Julian said, and I had been ready to give up. But the Take Her Man Plan had worked and here he was, the man of my dreams, sleeping soundly in front of me, just hours after he’d confessed his love.
There was only one thing left to do: step six, “Let Your Feelings Be Known.”
“Julian,” I whispered tenderly. “Are you asleep?”
“Not now,” he mumbled, shaking his head sleepily. “I just woke up when you called my name.” He opened his eyes, squinting from the sunlight behind me and smiled. “You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I was just up thinking. That’s all.”
“Okay. About what?”
“Julian, what’s going to happen when we get back to New York?”
“What do you mean?” Julian slid his arms around me beneath the sheets.
“I mean, what are we going to do…about us…about everything you said last night? Do you remember everything you said?” I asked.
“Of course, baby,” Julian said, scratching his scalp—he always did that to wake himself up. “I told you I love you and I want to be with you.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, is that it, Troy?” Julian looked at me. “Are you worried about us being together?” He sat up in the bed. “Because there’s no reason for you to be nervous about anything. I know what I want and that’s you. Okay?”
“Yes, that’s fine,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know how I feel, too—how I feel about you.”
“That’s great, Troy,” Julian said, getting out of the bed. “And I really want to hear it, but first I need to go to the bathroom.” He tiptoed out of the room.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll tell you when you get back.”
I turned back around to face the window. The sun looked like somebody had tied it to the side of the building—like I could reach out of the window and touch it. It was so big and beautiful. I began to think of Kyle and wondered how he was doing. I knew I’d hurt him really bad, but I had to put Julian first. While my feelings for Kyle were growing stronger, Kyle was my friend, just as I’d told him time and time again, and I had to separate the two.
Just as I was about to close my eyes and say a little prayer that Kyle would forgive me for what I’d done, Julian’s pager went off. The vibration rattled so hard, it fell off the nightstand and cracked open. I bent down from the bed to pick it up and put it back. I held it to make sure it wasn’t broken and put it on the nightstand.
What the hell is he doing in there? I thought, laying back down in the bed. Please don’t let him stink up the whole suite, I said to myself and closed my eyes. I yawned and opened my eyes again to find the pager staring at me from the nightstand. Before I could even think about closing the screen, the word Miata found my eyes and the pager ended up in my hands.
Reading the page wasn’t an option, I thought, listening to hear if Julian was still in the bathroom. I had everything on the line with Julian and before I poured my heart out to him, I had to find out what reason on God’s good earth Miata would have for sending Julian a text message. Therefore, without hesitation, I read:
Got your message about going out to L.A. to see your old classmate in the hospital. I hope he’s ok and that the accident wasn’t too bad. Call me when you get settled.
Love, Miata
My eyes closed tight with horror. It didn’t make sense. Why would Julian lie to Miata about coming to L.A. to see me, if everything he was telling me was the truth? I opened my eyes and read the message again, for one second, praying I’d read it wrong or that it had been sent from someone else. Any plausible reason for what I was seeing escaped me. First, I thought to run into the bathroom to confront Julian, but if he had already been lying to me, there was nothing to stop him from doing it again. I needed to hear the truth from the horse’s mouth and come to my own conclusion.
I picked up Julian’s phone and scrolled down to her name.
“Baby,” Miata said, answering the phone. “I just sent you a message.”
“This isn’t baby,” I said.
“Troy?”
“Yes.” I looked over my shoulder to see that Julian was still locked up in the bathroom. I didn’t want him to see me, but really I didn’t care anymore. I had nothing else to lose.
“Why do you have Julian’s phone?” Miata sounded as upset and confused as I was.
“Miata,” I said, “I’m beyond all that stuff with you now. Julian’s here in L.A. with me and I saw your message, so I just wanted to call and see what was up.”
“What’s up?” Miata’s voice went weak. “Julian and I are supposed to be together now. He told me he wasn’t seeing you anymore.”
“Miata, please. Why should I believe anything you say?”
“Well, if you don’t want to believe me now, perhaps you’ll believe me in nine months.”
“What?” I asked with the phone slipping from my ear.
“I’m pregnant and Julian’s the father,” I heard as the phone fell to the floor.
I’m not a psychologist. And short of struggling to understand my crazy family, I have little experience with the human mind. But I bet there’s some kind of psychological term for what happens when something really bad happens to you and your mind just separates itself from your body out of total rage and disgust for the situation you’ve found yourself in.
My hand flew across Julian’s face like greased lightning when I found him sitting on the toilet in the bathroom. I hadn’t hit anyone in my entire life, but I knew the slap had to hurt because I could see the red imprint of my hand on his face. His reading glasses went flying across the bathroom into the tub and the magazine he was reading fell to the floor.
“What the fuck is that bitch talking about?” I asked, hollering so loud I nearly startled myself.
“What did you slap me for?” Julian jumped up from the toilet and bent down to pull up his pants.
“No, fuck that,” I said, jerking his arm so he couldn’t get the pants up. “You’re going to answer my question.”
“What question? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“I spoke to Miata, Julian.” I mashed him in the forehead. “Apparently, I’m your old schoolmate and that’s why you’re in Los Angeles.”
“Oh, that’s it.” Julian smiled. “I can explain that.”
“Well, I guess you better start, motherfucker.” I put my hands on my hips. “Yeah, I guess you better start explaining right where you got your black ass on the plane.”
“Look, Troy, the bitch is crazy. That’s all I’m going to say.” Julian pulled up his pants and shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not going to explain my actions,” he added. “I broke up with Miata because she’s crazy. I didn’t want to tell her I was coming here to be with you because it’s none of her business. Just like what I do with her is none of your business.”
“Julian, don’t make me slap your ass again.” I could feel myself beginning to cry. I fought so hard to hold back the tears, but when Julian turned to walk out of the bathroom, I couldn’t stop them. I’d played his fool for so long and I couldn’t believe he couldn’t even look me in the face. “None of my business?” I said, watching him walk down the hallway. “Like the baby is none of my business?” Julian stopped walking and turned back around.
“What? How do you know that?” he said, rushing toward me.
“You got her pregnant,” I screamed. Hearing the words come from my mouth suddenly made them real. When I’d heard them on the phone I had been angry and I’d wanted Julian to explain. I’d wanted to yell at him, fight, scream, and cry. But when I’d realized exactly what was going on by hearing myself say that Julian had gotten another woman pregnant, I was done. I wanted him to leave and never, ever come back into my life.
Not only did this man I loved and had taken care of while he was going through one of the hardest times in his career leave me for another woman, but then he had the audacity to think I was fool enough to take him back. And worse—he got the bitch pregnant! I wanted his ass out. Who did he think I was? Shit, who did I think I was that I actually thought I had to fight to get and keep this piece of a man?
“Get the fuck out, Julian,” I said, walking past him into the bedroom. “Get all of your shit and get the fuck out of my life.” I started throwing his things at him and slung the Louis Vuitton overnight bag I had bought him at his face.
“Troy, what are you doing?” Julian asked, standing behind me in the doorway.
“I’m moving on.”
“Come on, baby. I can explain,” Julian said. “She’s crazy.”
“It’s funny how we’re always the crazy ones. It’s always us, right? Oh, now you want to explain? You just said you weren’t going to explain anything and now you want to explain? Make up your mind, Julian.” I threw his shoes at him. “You know, I don’t know why I’m so surprised that you can’t make up your mind. You can’t seem to decide what woman you want to be with and can’t decide why you’re in L.A.,” I handed him his wallet. “I guess you should’ve worn a fucking condom.”
“Troy, you’re acting completely irrational. You’re not being yourself,” Julian said, following me down the hallway with his bag in one hand and his shoes in the other. “I think we need to sit down and discuss this so you can calm down. I don’t want you to regret what you’re doing.”
“Regret?” I said, laughing wildly. I opened the door and pushed Julian into the hallway. “The only thing I regret is being with your dumb ass when there’s another man out there who really loves me.” I wiped of tears from my eyes—they would be the last. “Goodbye, Julian,” I said.
It took every bold bone I had in my body to knock on Kyle’s door. While I was afraid of making a complete ass of myself, I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t let Kyle know how I felt and apologize to him again. After I kicked Julian out, I’d sat down in the living room of the suite and thought about all the things that happened had between me and Kyle. I realized that ever since the day I’d met him, he’d been a blessing in my life. Kyle was very good to me—better than Julian had ever been. And while I knew I had feelings for him, I was afraid to let them be known because my mind was cloudy with my desire to be with Julian. I’d been a fool for so long, but I wasn’t going to be anymore.
After standing in the hallway for about three minutes, contemplating what I was going to say to Kyle, I finally knocked on the door. There was silence, and just as I was about to turn to walk away, thinking he’d left to go back to New York, the door opened and there he was.
“Hello,” Kyle said flatly.
“Hey.” I pushed my hands into my pockets. He was fully dressed and I could see his bag sitting on the table behind him. “Shipping out?”
“Yeah. I’m on my way to the airport.”
“Okay,” I said. “I was wondering if I could come in and chat for a minute.”
“Okay.” Kyle turned and left me standing at the door. Following behind him, I realized that it was the first time I’d ever seen his back. He was usually standing next to me, smiling and laughing at some silly joke, or walking behind me, making sure I was okay.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about last night, Kyle,” I said, feeling like I should turn around and leave.
“You already said that.” Kyle slipped his Bible into the bag.
“Well, I feel like I need to say it again.”
“No need to repeat yourself; I can hear pretty well,” he said coldly.
“Okay,” I managed. I sat down on the couch and Kyle turned to look at me for the first time. It was one of those Who the hell told you to sit down? looks. “And I also wanted to thank you for coming here to help me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t here.” I played nervously with my hands.
“Yeah, you said that, too.”
“I know but—”
“Look, Troy, why are you here?” Kyle asked, interrupting me. “Just tell me that so I don’t have to play any more of your games.”
“Julian left.” I looked toward the window.
“Oh, that’s it? He left you again and now you want to play friends with me. I see. Well, you’re a little too late, Troy. My plane leaves in two hours.”
“No, that’s not it,” I said. “I meant to say I kicked him out. It’s over between the two of us. I broke it off.”
“Good for you.”
“Well, that’s not all. After I kicked him out, I started thinking about you, about us.” I looked at Kyle.
“A little too late for that, too. Don’t you think?” He shook his head at me.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think it’s too late.”
“Well, I do. I’m not your consolation prize.” Kyle turned his back to me again. I could hear him zipping his bag. “Troy, I’m not a violent man,” he said, keeping his back to me. “I don’t swear and I never have ill feelings toward anyone.” He turned to face me and I could see his eyes were red. “But after that thing in your room, I was so angry, so mad at myself for allowing you to treat me like that…For the first time in many years I was so mad that I felt that I was capable of hitting someone. Do you know what that’s like for a man like me? Do you have any idea what that means?”
“No.”
“Exactly.” Kyle exhaled. “See, that seems to be the thing about you, Troy, never able to see how other people feel, always thinking about yourself. Well, just so you know, it means a lot. I spent all last night in prayer. I sat up here trying to block out all of the pain I felt when I realized that the only woman I’ve ever loved wasn’t able to love me back. Do you know what that’s like?” Kyle’s words stung me. I wanted to kiss him, hold him, and make him feel better, but with every word that came out of his mouth, I felt him drifting farther and farther away from me.
“I’m sorry, Kyle.” I began to cry. Kyle sat down on the couch beside me.
“What’s today, Troy?” he asked softly. He looked straight ahead at the wall in front of us.
“Sunday?”
“Where am I supposed to be on Sunday?”
“The church,” I answered, wishing I hadn’t said anything. I hadn’t even realized that Kyle was missing his service.
“Never once have I missed one of my services.” Kyle paused. “I wondered for a long time what it would feel like to be in love—how it felt on the inside. How it felt to have that puppy love that makes you do crazy things—in spite of yourself. I’d preached about it, even counseled on it, but I’d never felt it. I’d spent so long focusing on my obligations that I felt that it would never come, that I’d never know what it was like to love someone…in that way. Then I heard your voice on the phone the other day. I heard how sad you were and in that very second, I knew I had to be with you. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to hear you laugh and see you smile and I was willing to do whatever it took to do that. After I called my deacon to fill in for me, I realized that that’s what love is. It’s about wanting the ultimate happiness for someone else—how you make me feel in here,” he said, pointing to his heart. “I love you in here, Troy. And that’s different than anything I’ve ever felt.” He paused. “But I can’t allow you to hurt me. I flew all the way out here just to impress you, to show you how much I loved you. I spent a lot of money I didn’t have. Last night you made me feel like a fool.” Kyle got up from the couch. “But do you know what I realized this morning? The funny thing is I’d do it all again.” Kyle opened the room door. “But only for a woman who could appreciate it.”
“Kyle, I do appreciate you. You’re the kindest man I’ve ever known and I don’t want to lose you. I want to be with you,” I cried. Kyle held his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes.
“I can’t do this, Troy,” he said with his voice cracking. “I can’t make the same mistake twice.” Kyle looked at me. I could see tears gathering in his eyes. “I need you to leave,” he said, stepping away from the door. “Goodbye.”
Tasha was walking out of Tamia’s room when I got off of the elevator at the hospital.
“Tasha,” I said, rushing toward her. “I’m so sorry—”
“I don’t want to talk about it here.” She stopped me. “I’m fine right now. I just want to make sure Tamia’s okay.”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“The people at the hotel told me she was here.”
“I tried to call you but—”
“Troy,” Tamia called weakly from the room.
“Hey, baby,” I said, walking in with Tasha behind me. “I see you’re awake now. You had us all so worried about you.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Girl, please, I think we’re all just happy you’re okay,” I said, looking across the bed at Tasha. We both took Tamia’s hands.
“I just want to say one thing about yesterday,” Tasha said. “I thought a lot about it and I understand what you guys were trying to do, but I will have to deal with it in my own time.”
“That’s fine,” Tamia said.
“We understand,” I added.
“We really have to stick together now, y’all,” Tasha said. “A lot of things are happening and I just realized…” She started crying. “I just realized that I need y’all now more than ever. We all need each other.”
I reached over Tamia to hug Tasha.
“What about me?” Tamia said. “I need love too. I’m the one who’s sick here.” We laughed and bent down to hug Tamia too.
“Well, I don’t know about y’all but I am so ready to get back home,” Tasha said, turning to open the blinds in Tamia’s room. “L.A. is full of drama, and y’all know I hate drama.”
Tamia and I looked at each other.
“Yeah, right,” we said together.
“I’m just saying, it seems like this city tried to tear the 3Ts apart—one by one—but we’re still standing.”
“Exactly,” I said. “As soon as Ms. Thang here gets better, we’ll be back on track.” I looked at Tamia.
“You know, Troy, it seems like you’re the only one Los Angeles didn’t get to,” Tamia said, laughing. “I almost died, Tasha went wandering the streets like a crazy woman, but nothing happened to you.”
“You have no clue,” I said sadly.
“What?” they said together. “What happened?”
“Kyle was here, Julian was here…It was a mess. And then they both left.”
“Really? How did all of that happen in one day?” Tamia squealed, easing up in the bed.
“I wish I knew,” I replied.
“Oh Lord,” Tasha said, pulling a chair over to the bed. “I can tell this is going to be a long story.”