Chapter 10

DAN IS surprised by how smoothly things go over the next couple weeks. There are a few awkward moments with Karl and Molly, but it’s not nearly as bad as he’d thought—as long as they have horses to think about, they’re all able to work calmly together. Robyn does well with her new responsibilities, and Dan finds that parts of the business textbooks are actually fairly interesting.

He has a couple of phone conversations with Linda Davis, Evan’s executive assistant, and finds her warm and charming, not at all the hyper-efficient robot Evan had suggested she was. Dan wonders if the poor woman has had to adopt a cold persona around her employer just to keep his enthusiasm under some sort of control. She keeps Dan up to date on the construction schedule in California, and then calls to see if they can arrange a time for him to come out to inspect the site and help them with hiring.

“I’m not even sure if I’m going to be coming out with the horses, though,” Dan reminds her. “Right now, I still need to be here.” It feels ghoulish to clarify the reasons behind his indecision, seems ugly to say that he will only move to California if Justin is dead. He doesn’t even like to think about the implications of that himself. Now that he’s admitted that he wants the job, does that mean that he has a reason to want Justin to die? Dan has a growing understanding of why the Archers wanted to make sure that money wasn’t a factor before they made their decision to let Justin go.

“Well, I think Evan is hoping to take advantage of your expertise even if it’s not a long-term arrangement,” Linda says smoothly. “He’d like to get your opinion of what’s been done at the barn, and what else needs to be done. And he’s also planning to get your help in evaluating the skills and credentials of the candidates for the jobs.” Dan can hear the smile come into her voice. “I think he’s also hoping that once you see the place you’ll want to come back. But that’s really not the main reason for the trip.”

“The ads have already been posted for the positions, and we’ve gotten a good response. Evan asked me to fax the applications to you for review, and then as soon as you get back to me with the names of the candidates you’d like to see, I can have someone set up the interviews.” It occurs to Dan that Linda is probably working well below her pay grade, placing want ads and coordinating travel for a bunch of horse people. He wonders why this project merits special attention from Evan’s own assistant, and the answers he comes up with make him uncomfortable but also a little flattered.

“Sure, yeah, that sounds good.” Dan remembers something. “Oh, wait—I was talking to Robyn, the woman who looks after the horses here, and does some training… and she’d be interested in moving out, having one of the jobs.” Robyn had just broken up with her boyfriend, and when Dan mentioned the possibility of her going to California with the horses, her eyes had actually glowed. “Uh, I think that’d be good whether I come or not—if I’m there, we work well together, and if I’m not, you’d have someone who knows the horses.”

“All right, I can pass that along to Evan. I think he and Jeff Stevens were hoping to sit in on the interviews, along with Tatiana—Evan’s trying to use this project as a way to get her more involved with the family businesses. But I expect they’d be interested in hiring someone you recommend, even if they don’t have the chance to interview her themselves.”

And only three days later, Dan finds himself being picked up in an airport limo (really just a car, he’s relieved to see) and driven to the Cincinnati airport. He’s never flown before. He’s traveled lots, at least through North America, but at first he got around by hitchhiking, and later he drove with horse trailers. He and Justin had talked about taking Willow on the international circuit, but that was just one more thing that they hadn’t gotten to do together.

The airport staff seem bored and vaguely hostile, but he manages to make it through security and boarding without too much trauma. He’s a little nervous about taking off, but when it comes, the acceleration is nothing compared to what he’s felt on a horse. Karl has lent him a couple books on horse farm management, and he’s taken the smallest one with him. He doesn’t want the California people to see it and realize how little he knows, but he also doesn’t want to sit around wasting time when he could be learning something. This one is small enough that he can stuff it in his bag before he meets anyone.

Landing is a little scarier than taking off—again, the bumps and deceleration are nothing compared to what he’s felt on a horse, but he’s used to being more actively involved in the situation. It’s against his nature to just sit there and trust that someone else will take care of things. They do, though, and he follows the instructions to get him off the plane and out to the arrivals area.

He had been told that someone would pick him up and to call Linda if there were any problems. He realizes when he gets outside the security gate that he has no idea how the person picking him up is supposed to recognize him. He’s seen movies where drivers hold signs with their passengers’ names on them, but he doesn’t see any signs, or anyone else who’s looking as lost as he is.

He really doesn’t want to call Linda and bother her with this sort of detail, but he also doesn’t want to be the idiot who stood around the airport for hours when a simple phone call could have straightened things out much earlier. He’s playing with his phone, trying to decide, when he hears a voice boom out from behind him.

“Dan! Hey, sorry I’m late! Have you been waiting long?” Dan turns to see Evan, but not the Evan he’s used to. In Kentucky, Evan had dressed to blend in, wearing jeans and button downs at his dressiest. Here, Evan is wearing a medium gray suit with a crisp white shirt and a purple tie. His hair is still a little long, but it looks carefully styled. For the first time, Dan finds the other man a little intimidating.

Then Evan grins and the effect is lost. “I told Linda I could drive you out, because I’d be at the airport anyway… but then my flight got delayed, of course!” Dan notices that Evan has a carry-on of his own slung over his shoulder, although Evan’s is the folding suit kind and Dan’s is a knapsack.

“Oh, good. Hey, it’s good to see you, man!” Evan looks like he might be working up to a hug, but Dan shoves his hand out for a shake and shoulder-slap instead. Evan doesn’t seem to notice the shift. “So, did you check a bag or anything? No, me neither—I hate standing around waiting.” Evan charges off through the crowd, and Dan just tries to keep up. Once they’re out of the main building, Evan slows a little, and Dan moves up beside him, watching as Evan loosens his tie and unbuttons his collar. He sees Dan looking, and grins. “I really don’t like the suits. But they do help people to take me a bit more seriously.”

Dan nods, and then Evan’s burrowing through his suit jacket to find his wallet, then the claim ticket for his car. “They have this valet service for parking here… I swear, I don’t normally use it, I’m not a fat sixty-year-old, but I was totally running late for my departure flight, so I just wanted to dump the car and go….” Evan keeps up a running monologue as they head for the parking garage. He gives the claim ticket to the valet staff, and moments later they’re climbing into a Jeep Cherokee that’s not much newer than Dan’s own truck.

Evan drives them out of the parking structure and into traffic. At the first stoplight he takes his tie all the way off and tosses it into the back seat. Then he rolls his shoulders a little, and Dan can see the way his muscles move even through the suit jacket. Evan is slowly nodding. “Damn, it’s good to be home.” Dan realizes that those are the first words Evan has spoken since they got into the car. He wonders if this is what Jeff was talking about, the transition between go-go-go business Evan and the more laidback home version.

They drive in silence for another few blocks, and then Evan asks, “Are you hungry, at all? I usually get a burger for the drive home.”

They go through the In-and-Out drive through. The chain hasn’t reached Kentucky yet, so Dan actually has to pay attention to the menu. He finally just tells Evan to order two of whatever he’s getting. Evan seems strangely pleased, as though he has finally earned Dan’s trust in at least one tiny area.

After they get their food, Evan pulls into a parking spot. “I always drop food all over myself if I try to eat while I drive,” he explains. “I’ll eat the burger first, then I can drive with the fries.”

Dan shakes his head. “No rush, man. I mean, as far as I know… are we supposed to be somewhere?”

Evan laughs, and then looks a little worried. “Probably. Linda schedules things pretty tight.” He crouches down in his seat as if he thinks she might be watching.

Dan fights the urge to giggle. The mighty Evan Kaminski is afraid of his assistant. “Don’t worry, man, I’ll cover for you. Traffic?”

Evan almost whispers. “She checks the arrival times—they’re on the internet.”

They sit there, silently eating their burgers, Dan swallowing a giggle with every bite.

When Evan is done with the burger, he tidies up the wrapper and pulls the car out into traffic. Dan watches him drive. Evan is confident, but he’s also polite, yielding to other cars and not getting frustrated by traffic. When a minivan cuts in front of him and then slams on its brakes, Evan’s right arm shoots out to catch Dan as they brake hard to avoid a collision. Evan steers around the minivan and glances inside as he passes. He looks over at Dan and shrugs. “Damn, he’s got a pack of kids in there—I bet they’re driving him crazy!”

They head out of town. Evan shares occasional tidbits of information about the places they pass, but mostly they’re quiet. Dan is surprised by how fast San Francisco’s green lushness fades to dry scrub land, and he mentions it to Evan.

“Yeah, with the mountains and the ocean out here, we’ve got about seven different vegetation zones in a hundred mile radius.” Dan looks at him oddly, and Evan laughs. “I used to want to be a climatologist.”

Evan looks a little rueful, maybe even a little sad. “Didn’t have a whole lot of choice, you know?”

Dan is reminded of what Jeff had said: that Evan had taken over the family business after his parents had died. He wishes he’d looked into that more. The information must be public record, wouldn’t have been hard to find. But he’d been too wrapped up in his own pain to worry about anyone else’s. Or would it have been intrusive to read about something that Evan might prefer he didn’t know?

Evan seems almost startled. “Oh, no, don’t worry about it! I mean, I was going to end up doing the business stuff anyway, eventually. I just got into it a bit faster than I thought I would.”

Evan finishes the last of his fries and looks for somewhere to throw out the container. Dan wordlessly takes it from him and puts in the bag with the other garbage. They drive for another few minutes, and then Evan starts pointing out landmarks with more regularity. They leave the highway and drive through a little town. Evan shows Dan a restaurant he and Tatiana love, and the hardware store that has everything he’s ever thought to ask for, even though it’s a quarter the size of a Home Depot, and the bar he and Jeff go to most Saturdays to hear live music.

Dan knows Evan is trying to sell him on the town, but it doesn’t feel pushy like it did in Kentucky; it just feels sincere, like Evan loves it here and wants Dan to love it too.

As they pull out on the far side of town, Evan slaps Dan’s shoulder and points to the bleachers at the high school. “First kiss—right there.” He nods sagely.

They leave town and turn onto an even smaller road, winding its way through foothills covered in rough scrub and pine trees. They reach a sort of plateau and Dan notices the fence stretching along the land on one side. It’s vinyl, the kind that looks like wood but is stronger and wears longer, and Dan notices that the post holes are all freshly dug. He doesn’t even want to think about how much it cost to install a fence like that this far away from any barn or buildings. Dan wonders if this is Evan’s property or if the Kaminskis have neighbors just as rich as they are.

“Yeah, that’s the start of our property,” Evan says, as if he’d heard Dan’s thoughts. “We’ve got about two hundred acres in this part, but then we bought another hundred just attached at the corners. We’re building the cross-country course over there, but we figured we’d fence the whole place—if a horse gets loose, we’ll have to catch it, but at least we won’t have to worry about it getting on the road.” Evan seems to be looking for Dan’s approval.

“That’s great, man.” It’s a fairly standard system for large horse farms, although Dan knows most of them don’t use the most expensive type of fencing for their entire perimeters. “I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of the place.”

“The guys have been working really hard. It won’t be completely done by the end of the month, but it’ll just be finishing touches left.”

Dan nods as Evan pulls off the road and starts down a long driveway. There’s horse fencing on both sides now, and a large barn comes into view on the left. There’s a gate leading to it, and Evan stops the car in front of the drive. “We’re putting you up in the guest house, if you don’t mind. We can get you a hotel room if you prefer, but it’d be a lot easier if you were on site.”

“Linda’s waiting for us at the house, but we can have quick look at the barn first, if you want….”

“Well, if Linda’s waiting, shouldn’t we go see her? The barn’s not going to go away if we make it wait a couple hours.”

Evan reluctantly puts the car back into gear and steers it up the driveway. There’s a branch off to the right, and Evan gestures to it. “Guest house is up there. We’ve got a couple extra cars around if you want to borrow one, but if you stay on the property everything is pretty much walking distance.” Evan suddenly gets animated. “Or we have golf carts! I forgot about those, but they might be good—I think they’re in the garage, maybe. Or there’s ATVs, if we want to go out to the cross-country course. I don’t… I don’t actually know where those are, either, but I’m sure somebody can find them.” Evan looks a little bashful. “That’s not what’s going to happen with the horses, though. It’s like I said, the horses are a business as well as a hobby, and I’m much better at keeping track of business.”

Dan nods. “That’s good… horses don’t do well if they get lost in the garage.”

Evan just grins. “See, that’s the kind of expert information we flew you out here for!”

There’s a bend in the road, and then Evan is pulling up in front of the main house. The house isn’t actually as imposing as Dan was prepared for. It looks big, but not huge.

Evan turns the car off and climbs out, snagging his bag from the back seat. Dan does the same and then looks up to see the front door of the house opened by a striking brunette. She’s dressed for business, but looks so comfortable in her suit that she could just as well have dropped over for brunch. She comes down the steps toward them carrying a leather portfolio.

“Seems like I spend half my life waiting for you, Evan.” She hands him a sheaf of papers from the portfolio. “You probably want to look at these as soon as possible.” She turns to Dan and holds out her hand.

“And you. Welcome to California!” She smiles warmly. “Have you been out here before?”

Linda wrinkles her nose delicately. “Well, this is like a whole different state, if not a different country.” She smiles to take any sting out of her words, and then pulls another collection of papers out of her dossier. “Don’t think I left you out… here’s what we’ve got scheduled for you while you’re here. And there are also copies of the resumes of the people we’ve arranged to have interviewed.”

She just shakes her head at Evan. “If I’d let you go inside, you would have offered him a drink, and then you’d have wanted to show him around, and you would have finished the tour by the pool and asked if he wanted a swim, and by the time that was over it would have been dinner time and you’d say it gives you indigestion to look at paperwork while you eat.” She smiles again. “If I don’t catch you now, the day is wasted.”

Evan just shakes his head. Linda loops her arm through Dan’s and leads him into the house. “Now, before Evan steals you away, I just need you to enter any four-digit PIN you want in this computer. It’s our security system, you can enter the code on any keypad on the property and it’ll open the door for you.”

Evan grimaces. “And it tracks you, man! If she wants to know where you are, she can find out the last door you opened. It’s Orwellian, and I paid for it!”

“It’s an excellent security system, and if you would answer your phone I wouldn’t have to track you down.”

Evan leafs through his papers while Dan enters his code, and then makes an apologetic face. “I actually do have to deal with these… Linda, do you think you could show Dan around, get him settled in?”

She smiles. “I’d be happy to. And I can offer you a drink as well.” She guides Dan down the hallway as Evan disappears through a door to the left.

It turns out the house is a lot bigger than it looks. Dan thinks there must have been a deliberate attempt to minimize its appearance from the outside, with parts set back from each other, hidden by shrubs, and built on different levels. There’s an indoor pool and an indoor lap pool in the gym, and when they go outside there’s a huge terrace with another pool, and Dan can see tennis courts around the corner. Linda sees him looking. “Tatiana used to play every day, but for the past year or two it’s been all about horses.”

“Oh, I’ve known him since he was a little boy. I used to be his father’s assistant, got the job right out of university. It’s why I can boss him around like I do. But don’t be taken in—I know that he’s in charge, and on anything serious I listen to him. He just needs a firm hand to help keep him organized.”

Linda walks Dan up to the guest house and lets him try out the door code, and then shows him in. He’d been expecting some sort of tiny cabin, but it’s a full-size house, with an open plan living and dining room, a full kitchen and three bedrooms. “It hardly gets any use, really. Evan’s parents used to loan it out as a sort of artist’s retreat, but Evan really isn’t too interested in the arts, and I think he prefers to have a bit more privacy when he’s at home.”

They return to the main house and Dan is introduced to the housekeeper, Tia, who has also been with the family forever. She gets drinks for them and they go out and sit by the pool, waiting for Evan. Dan takes a quick glance at his schedule.

“That’s all I have scheduled for you. Evan really does need to get caught up on some of those issues, and I know he wanted to show you around the farm himself, with Tatiana and I think Jeff… so unless you’re really restless, you can just relax and enjoy the view.”

“Am I keeping you from anything? I mean, the company’s great, but if you have somewhere you need to be, I’m fine by myself.”

She checks her watch. “Well, if you don’t mind, I should run in and see if Evan needs me to follow up on anything… can I get you something, though? A book, or….”

A deep voice comes from behind them. “It’s okay, Linda. I can keep him company.”

Dan turns and sees Jeff, and his stomach does a little flip. He’d thought he’d gotten over whatever he’d been feeling in Kentucky, but seeing Jeff again makes it clear that he was wrong. Jeff’s beautiful in the late afternoon sun, and Dan can almost feel the warmth in the man’s smile.

Jeff walks across the terrace and sits in a deck chair opposite Dan and Linda, who stands gracefully and heads into the house.

Jeff just looks at him for a moment and then smiles again. “Welcome to California, Dan.”

Chapter 11

DAN LEANS back in his chair and lets the sun hit his closed eyelids. He feels peaceful here, like he’s wrapped in a safe cocoon, just the sun’s warmth, the chill of the drink in his hand, the sound of the water hitting the edge of the pool… and Jeff. He opens his eyes again, because if Jeff’s around, Dan wants to be able to see him.

Dan squints into the sun, and Jeff pulls his own sunglasses off and leans over to hand them to Dan. Jeff’s back is to the sun, it only makes sense for Dan to have the glasses, but it still seems intimate somehow. He takes the sunglasses and puts them on.

Jeff smiles at him. “You just get in?”

“A little while ago. Evan picked me up at the airport, and then he had to do some work, so Linda showed me around.”

Jeff nods. “He’s in there now, working the phone. It’s always a bit hectic when he gets back from being away.”

“He seems to have a lot of responsibility. But, you were right, what you said in Kentucky… he does seem different out here. More relaxed.”

“Yeah, he’s a big homebody.” Jeff’s tone is affectionate, and again Dan is jealous. He decides to try to get the topic of conversation away from Evan.

“So, what about you? You have your own business, right?”

“Well, nothing on the scale of Evan’s, that’s for sure. I just try to teach rich people to ride, and then train their horses well enough that the riders think they’ve achieved something.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Wow, cynical! Don’t you have any good students?”

Jeff rubs the back of his neck and smiles apologetically at Dan. “Yeah, sorry, of course I do. It’s just been a long day. A long few days.”

A long few days because Evan had been out of town, Dan realizes. Their relationship still feels a little strange to him. They seem so casual about sex, but are clearly very attached emotionally. He tries to be mature about it. “I really am fine out here on my own… if you wanted to go in and check….”

Jeff shakes his head. “Nah, I poked my head in when I arrived. He knows I’m here. He’ll come out when he can.” He kicks his shoes off and rolls up the cuffs of his pants, then walks over and sits on the edge of the pool, dangling his feet in the water. He lies back, resting his head on the pool deck and looking backward at Dan. “Everything okay in Kentucky?”

Jeff’s tone is gentle, and Dan appreciates the vagueness of the question. Dan can answer with any level of detail he wants. “The barn’s good. I’ve got to tell Evan that one of his horses is lame, but we think he just pulled a muscle. And everybody’s working well together.” Dan pauses, and then pulls his own shoes and socks off, rolls up his cuffs and walks over to sit beside Jeff with his feet in the pool. He doesn’t lie back, although he sort of wants to.

“Justin’s the same.” Dan keeps his tone neutral, is proud that he can say Justin’s name without losing control.

“And you? You’re okay?” This time the question isn’t so vague, but the tone is still gentle.

“Me? I dunno… I’m fine, I guess.” Dan doesn’t really know how to answer. “I mean… I’m the same too.”

Jeff nods as if that were a real answer. They both rest as they are for a few minutes, and then Jeff grips the side of the pool with both hands and pulls himself back up to a sitting position. One of his hands rests right next to Dan’s on the pool edge, and Dan won’t let himself look down, but he can feel the contact. His whole body knows that his little finger is stretched out alongside Jeff’s. He feels like a school girl, but he won’t move his finger, won’t take it away or move it in closer. He stares out across the rolling foothills toward the ocean, thinks maybe he can see the water, and then realizes that he still has Jeff’s sunglasses, even though they’re both now looking into the sun.

He turns his head a little, enough to see the Jeff is looking at him. He raises his other hand to his face, starts to take the shades off. “Here, you should have these back.”

Jeff shakes his head, and uses his other hand to guide them back to Dan. “Nah, you hang on to them.” He smiles. “They look better on you anyway.”

Dan knows that if Jeff made a move right now, Dan would be right with him. He’d feel terrible about it later, he’s sure, for so many reasons. But his brain is not in control anymore, and his body knows what it wants, what it hasn’t had for far too long. And there’s something about Jeff, with his gentle awareness, his….

“Hey, Jeff!” It’s a female voice, and as Dan and Jeff turn toward it they see two dogs barreling toward them, and Tatiana standing in the doorway to the house. The dogs head straight for Jeff, and he raises both of his hands, releasing Dan from the spell and letting him shift away from the furred onslaught.

“Hey, guys, settle down, settle down,” Jeff chides the dogs and then looks over their heads to Dan. “They’re totally friendly but not too well trained… sort of like their master.” The dogs are done with Jeff and move on to Dan, a little more cautious but still very enthusiastic. Jeff points. “This one’s Copa, this one’s Trapper.” He looks over at Tatiana. “You take them somewhere with you?”

“Callie got a new puppy, and they’re trying to socialize her, so I took the big dogs for an introduction.” She walks over a bit shyly, and Dan knows it must be because of him.

“Tatiana, you remember Dan?” Jeff prompts.

“Yeah, hi, Dan,” she manages.

“Hey, Tatiana, it’s nice to see you again.” Dan knows that he’s a better actor, but he’s not sure that he’s any more comfortable than the girl is. What if she had come out a few minutes later? But then Dan catches himself. Just because he had been overcome with temporary insanity doesn’t mean that Jeff would have been or that Jeff is interested at all. Lined up pinky fingers are hardly a universal invitation to passion.

“Where’s Lou?” Tat asks Jeff.

“Her stitches are still healing up. I didn’t want to bring her over here to play and have her tear them out again.”

Tatiana nods understandingly. Then she looks shyly at Dan. “How’s Monty?”

Dan can’t believe the girl still has that crush on the horse. He’s not sure she’ll ever be strong enough to ride him really effectively. “He’s good. Still a bit headstrong, but… good.” He decides to try a slightly different approach. “The one I’m really impressed with lately is Sunshine. Horses sometimes, it’s like they hit plateaus in their training, you know? They’ll learn a bunch of stuff, and it’ll be like they’re improving every day, and then they’ll just sort of go into a holding pattern and don’t learn anything at all for a while. And then when they’re ready, bam! They start learning again. And she’s been learning like crazy the last week or so. Seems like every day I ride her she’s gotten noticeably better.” This much is true, and he doesn’t bother to mention that some horses don’t plateau. They backslide, seeming to forget everything they ever knew. That’s one of the most frustrating parts of training, and he doesn’t want to discourage Tatiana right now.

The girl smiles enthusiastically. “That must be so much fun!”

Dan nods. “It really is. She’s the one I’m most excited about right now.” He leans in a little, as though he’s about to tell Tat a secret. They’re still at least five feet from each other, but he thinks she gets the idea. “And she’s a mare, which is great, because with the geldings… well, it can be hard to see them get old and lose their fitness and know that they’re not good for anything but pasture ornaments anymore. ’Cause you still love them, but you can’t really do anything with them anymore. You know?” Tat nods, and Dan goes in for the kill. “But with a mare, even if she’s too old to compete she’s still usually healthy enough to have at least a couple beautiful foals. And then you get the fun of loving them, and raising them up and training them, and it’s like the horse you love continues, you know? Because you’ve still got her foals to remind you of her.”

Tatiana is practically clapping her hands. “I wanted us to have foals, but Evan said he’d looked into it, and it didn’t make sense to have a breeding operation, that it was more efficient to let someone else take all the risks of breeding the horses and then just go in and pick out the horses that are worth training.”

Dan nods, and hopes he isn’t making a mistake, setting up Tatiana for more disappointment. He glances over at Jeff who is standing behind Tat and watching the whole exchange. He grins, and makes a sort of ‘go on’ motion with his chin. Dan decides that he’s so far in, he might as well keep going.

“Well, a large scale operation probably doesn’t make sense. Or at least you’d need someone else to look after it for you, because I only know the basics about breeding. But I think if you’re going to have a business that you care about, especially a business with animals… I think sometimes you have to just go with your heart.” He shrugs. “Besides, Sunshine’s got great bloodlines—I can show you her pedigree sometime, you should see all the famous horses that show up in it. She’d be a good bet for breeding.”

Tatiana is enthralled and peppers Dan with questions about Sunshine and foals and training and how a friend of hers said that Thoroughbreds are better than Hanoverians, and how many Thoroughbreds are coming with the Kentucky horses, and are they really better, and….

After the first couple questions Jeff sketches a half-wave to Dan and heads into the house. Dan is temporarily distracted. Did he really just let himself be dragged into a conversation with a teenage girl so that Jeff could make an undisturbed booty call? But he reminds himself that Jeff and Evan are none of his business, and tries to get back on track with Tat.

He’s distracted again when Linda comes out to say goodbye for the day. She reminds Dan of his schedule, and makes sure that he’s got everything he needs in the guest house, and then chats a little with Tat about her day. The whole time Dan is thinking that now Jeff and Evan are alone, and they’ve been away from each other for a while, and does Jeff live here? Do they share a bedroom? Or are they in Evan’s bedroom? Or Evan’s office, afternoon light coming in through the venetian blinds, Evan sitting on the big wooden desk with Jeff standing between his legs, pressing in tight, Jeff leaning Evan back over the paperwork, working the buttons on Evan’s shirt open while he sucks and bites at his neck….

Dan feels pressure against his fly and rips himself back to reality. What is he doing, about to let himself get hard ten feet away from a teenage girl? Is he really that desperate? That out of control? He swirls his feet in the pool a little more vigorously, hoping the cool water will help calm him down. Linda calls out her goodbye to him, and he waves in response, and then the door to the house opens and Evan and Jeff come out together, not looking at all as Dan had just been picturing them.

Evan grins at Dan’s position by the pool. “Damn, did Jeff teach you that?” Evan looks over at Jeff’s bare feet and damp lower pant legs. “The guy can’t sit out here for two minutes without having his feet in the water.”

Dan swirls his feet a little more. “I guess he knows how to live. You need to cut the legs off some of those chairs so you could sit like this and still have a backrest.”

Jeff nods. “Now you’re thinking.”

The housekeeper comes out with a tray loaded with a variety of appetizers, and Jeff helps her set it up on the table. She comes back with a bottle of wine and four glasses, as well as a can of Diet Coke. Dan watches in amusement as Evan opens the bottle of wine while Jeff pours the Coke into a wine glass he hands to Tatiana. Then Tat drags him along to the far end of the terrace, wanting to show him where she thinks a squirrel has its nest. With one wine glass still empty, Evan looks at Dan. “We’ve got beer, if you’d prefer?”

Dan shakes his head. “No, wine’s fine, thanks.” Then he starts feeling a little intrusive. “But, maybe not a whole glass. I mean, you guys probably have some sort of family stuff to catch up on or something… and I’ve got things to do to get ready for tomorrow.”

“What, read the resumes again? Come on, it’s California… relax!” Evan fills the glass to the same level as the others and walks over to hand it to Dan. “Besides, you’re here for dinner, right? There’s no point in going away and then coming back again.”

“Uh, I don’t know. Am I here for dinner? I mean, I sort of expected a hotel, thought I’d be eating there.” Evan looks a little startled by Dan’s words. “I don’t mean I wanted a hotel, I just… I mean, I’m your employee, right? Do you really want me eating all my meals with you?”

Evan is standing right next to Dan and looks at him for a little longer than is comfortable before softly saying, “Yeah, Dan, I do.” He moves away a little and takes a sip of his wine. “Nice sunglasses, by the way.”

Dan had forgotten he was wearing them. “Oh, yeah. Jeff loaned them to me. It was rainy at home, so I wasn’t wearing any, and I don’t think I remembered to pack any.”

Evan nods. “They’re from a trip we took to Costa Rica. Going down to the tropics, and we both forgot to bring sunglasses. And the shop only had one style that wasn’t totally ugly, so we each bought the same pair, felt like one of those ‘dress alike’ couples for the whole rest of the trip.” Evan takes another sip of wine. “I sat on mine on the plane ride back, totally crushed them.”

Dan wonders if there’s supposed to be some deeper meaning to the saga of the sunglasses, but can’t really see it. Other than reminding Dan that this is an established relationship, that Evan and Jeff have history. Maybe that’s all Evan is trying to say. “Well, I’ll try not to sit on them.”

Evan grins sunnily. “Whatever, they’re just cheap plastic. It’d be good if his got broken, actually—then he could stop using them as evidence of his responsibility compared to my scatterbrainedness.”

Dan is starting to be a little confused by this conversation in general, and is relieved when Jeff and Tatiana return from their nature excursion.

They sit by the pool and drink and eat snacks and chat, and any discomfort that Dan felt during his conversation with Evan is long gone. The housekeeper supplies a platter of steaks, and Evan mans the barbecue. Tat helps bring out table linens and place settings and then several side dishes.

The meal is delicious, the scenery is incredible, and everyone is pleasant and charming. Dan feels like he’s stumbled into someone else’s life. The world of eventing certainly has its share of wealthy participants, but there’s usually a fairly clear divide between the patrons and the patronized, the owners and the workers. Dan really doesn’t feel that here, and isn’t sure what to make of it. He isn’t sure he likes it, even… it’s harder to keep things clear in his head this way, and he really thinks he needs to keep a clear head. He looks at Jeff, who’s lazily smiling as Evan teases Tatiana, and wonders if he’s a bit too late.

Chapter 12

DAN WAKES up the next morning and doesn’t know where he is. California is three hours behind Louisville, so part of the problem is jet lag. When his body tells him it’s time to get up, it’s still pitch black outside his window. He dozes for a while, but each time he wakes it’s with the same unpleasant sense of disorientation and displacement, and finally he gives up and gets out of bed. He finds his book and reads a chapter and then showers and gets dressed.

There’s a coffeemaker in the kitchen, and he finds a bag of ground coffee in the freezer. He makes the coffee and finds a mug, then takes his book out onto the porch. It’s still a bit chilly out, but the sun is coming up, and the porch faces east, toward the mountains. He doesn’t really read, just sits there and enjoys his coffee, and wonders if this could be his life. If he actually lived here, of course, he’d be over at the barn by now, helping to feed the horses and turn them out, figuring out the training for the day. If this was his life, maybe he’d have someone in his bed upstairs, someone who would have dragged at him when he got up, tried to coax him back to bed.

He has to shut the fantasy down when his imagination puts Justin in the bed, when he starts remembering Justin hiding his eyes from the daylight and trying to wrap Dan up under their quilt. He has a brief flash of Jeff in the role, his gentle eyes watching Dan come out of the shower, his big hands resting on Dan’s hips and pulling him back toward the bed, but then Dan shuts down that thought too. Nothing can happen with Jeff. It would be unfaithful to Justin and unfair to Evan, and if nothing’s going to happen, then Dan should just stop torturing himself with thoughts of it. He thinks of Justin as he is now, lifeless and wasting in a sterile hospital bed, and that’s as effective as a cold shower. No more fantasies for Dan this morning.

Evan had said that he’d be up by six and ready to get started by seven. It’s not quite seven yet, but Dan figures that he can walk slowly, so he puts his book and mug inside the door and starts toward the house. He hasn’t gone far when he sees the two dogs racing toward him. Evan’s tall shape appears from a path in the trees and follows after the dogs, albeit more slowly.

Dan crouches to greet the animals, and is rewarded with kisses and cold noses against his neck. He straightens with a laugh and walks to join their master.

Evan turns to go toward the house with Dan, neither of them saying much. The dogs take off into the woods, and Evan grins. “We saw a deer this morning, and they had no idea what to do. But now every time a leaf moves, they’re chasing after it like they’ve got something to prove.”

“Not great hunters, then?”

“Well, they’re… enthusiastic.”

“Just as well. We had a dog when I was a kid, he’d bring back a dead something at least once a day. And if we buried it shallow, he’d dig it up and bring it home again, like he’d killed it twice, no matter how rotten and stinky it was. So we had to bury ’em deep.”

Evan grins. “Sounds like a good job for a young whippersnapper like you.”

Dan flexes his shoulders. “These are grave-digging muscles, boy.”

They walk for a bit, and then Evan says, “Where was that? Kentucky?”

Dan shakes his head. “No, Texas.”

“Oh yeah? Is that where you grew up?”

“Yeah, mostly.” Dan doesn’t think this needs to go any further. “So, Tatiana said she wanted to be there when I saw the stuff you’ve done at the barn. Did she mean it, or can we go by now?”

Evan makes a face. “Oh, no, she meant it. She talked me into letting her take today off school so she can ‘be part of the new business’. She wants in on the interviews, the site inspections, everything.”

“Linda said you wanted Tat to get interested in the business side of things.”

“Yeah, if she’s actually interested, that’s great. I just wonder if she’s pretending to be interested as a way to get out of school. And maybe…” Evan’s lips twitch a little. “Maybe so she can spend a little more time with the dreamy new trainer.”

Dan sputters a little. “Really? Does she not know that I’m gay?”

Evan laughs. “Well, she knows about Justin, she saw the video from when he won Rolex.” Evan pauses to see if the mention has upset Dan and then continues. “It’s kinda my fault—I’m pretty equal opportunity about things. I mean, I don’t bring anyone home if we’re not reasonably serious, but she’s seen me with guys and girls. I don’t know, I think she thinks everyone’s the same way.” Evan pauses.

“Oh. God.” Dan isn’t up to this.

“No, it’s cool, she’s really innocent. She might moon around after you for a while, but it’s not like she’s gonna make a move or something.” Evan seems amused by Dan’s alarm. “Jeff said you were really good with her yesterday. Said I might have to look at turning the place into a breeding operation, but otherwise… said you were good.”

“Yeah.” Dan doesn’t want to get too far into this, but…. “I have a younger sister. I remember the age.”

“Really? She’s Tat’s age?”

“No. She’s only two years younger than me. But she was about Tat’s age the last time I saw her.”

Evan looks like he wants to ask a lot more questions, but he satisfies himself with one. “This was back in Texas?”

Dan nods, and they walk in silence until they reach the house.

They go in through a side door, and Evan grabs a towel to wipe the dogs’ feet before they go into the main house. They follow the smells of food to the kitchen, where the housekeeper is laying the table.

Evan greets her with a kiss on the cheek. “Tia, something smells incredible.” Evan reaches out to open the oven door and look inside, and Tia slaps his hand away.

“When Tatiana is ready, you can sit at the table and eat like a civilized person.” Tia stirs something in a pot on the stove, and then turns to Dan. “Can I get you some coffee or juice, Mr. Wheeler?”

Dan grins at Evan’s eyeroll. “Uh, coffee would be great, but I can get it myself if you’re busy.” He reluctantly adds, “And Dan is fine.”

“No, you sit down. I’ll get you some coffee.”

Tia bustles off to take care of that, and Evan shakes his head ruefully. “The disadvantage of having longstanding employees. When a woman’s changed your diaper, it’s hard to get her to treat you with a whole lot of respect.” Evan crosses to a box on the wall, and punches in a few numbers. There’s a crackle, and then Evan speaks into the box. “Tat, let’s go! Breakfast is served!”

The box speaks back in strident tones. “Leave me alone! I’ll be down when I’m ready.”

Evan winks at Dan and then says, “Okay, Tat, but Dan’s here, and he’s hungry, so let’s not keep him waiting too long.”

There’s a pause, and then the box sounds almost meek. “I’m hurrying.”

Evan walks behind Dan to get to his place at the table, and he affectionately ruffles Dan’s hair as he passes. “This could be really useful. If having you around makes my little sister behave like a human instead of a troll… I’m sorry to say it, but you may have to give up on all this ‘gay’ nonsense.”

Dan ducks away from Evan’s hand, but he grins. “And marry into this? I dunno, man, it might be worth it.”

“Well, better you than some of the guys she goes to school with, that’s for sure.”

Tia brings the coffee over and sends a dark look at Evan. “You be careful with that talk, Evan. If she thinks you’re judging her friends, she’ll stop bringing them home, and then what?”

Dan nods in smug support, and Tia rewards him with a pat to his cheek.

Dan helps himself to sugar from the bowl in the middle of the table, and then passes it over to Evan. He’s curious about why there was only one call on the intercom. “Is Jeff not eating?”

Evan grimaces. “Maybe. He went home last night. His dog just had surgery, and she’s all stitched up, so she can’t really come over and deal with the beasts. But he wants to be here for the grand tour, and for sure for the interviews, so we’ll see if he makes it for breakfast.”

Tatiana arrives then, looking freshly scrubbed and sunny, and gracefully slides into a seat at the table. She’s right across from Dan, and he thinks of Evan’s earlier remarks and feels the heat rising up on his neck. Evan notices and grins.

“Morning, Tat. Is that a new hairband? It’s really pretty.” Evan smiles ingratiatingly at his sister, who looks back at him in bewilderment. Evan continues. “Isn’t it a nice hairband, Dan?”

Dan smiles awkwardly, but decides to give it his best shot. “I don’t really know about the hairband, but I like your hair pulled back like that. It brings out your eyes.”

Tatiana blushes happily, and Dan smirks at Evan.

Tia is just serving up breakfast, some sort of waffle-esque pastry with homemade blueberry sauce, when the door opens and Jeff comes in. “Hey, I thought I smelled something good!” He kisses Tia’s cheek and then goes around the table, bending to catch Tatiana’s cheek and pulling Evan’s head back a little to kiss his forehead. He grins at Dan, but doesn’t approach.

Dan’s eyebrows go up. “You’re in a good mood. Or are you just this much of a morning person?”

“No, I’m in a great mood.” Jeff turns to Evan, who looks confused and then excited.

“You got the show? Seriously?”

Jeff nods. “Two weeks in the Nachfelt Gallery, my paintings on the walls.” He grins. “The message was on my machine when I got home last night.”

Everyone’s very excited, but Dan is reminded again that he’s an outsider here. He hadn’t even known that Jeff was an artist. And he doesn’t know enough about the art world to understand the significance of getting a show, although he can tell that it’s a big deal. When the commotion dies down, Jeff’s eyes turn to Dan, who offers up a simple, “Congratulations.”

“Thanks, man. Sorry for the fuss, it’s just… I’ve been working for this for a while.” Jeff smiles happily.

The meal resumes, with Tia bringing a plate for Jeff.

There’s some talk about the show, about which of Jeff’s paintings should be included, but eventually they get back to the day’s business. Evan checks his watch before he mops up the last of the blueberry sauce with a piece of waffle. “So, the first interview is scheduled for an hour from now. If we go down to the barn and have a quick tour, we can interview until lunch, then interview some more, and then go up and check out the cross-country course before dinner?”

This is almost exactly the schedule that Linda had laid out on Dan’s papers. He wonders if she’d passed the information along to Evan, or if she’s just good enough to have read his mind in advance. He nods his acquiescence, and gulps the last of his coffee as he sees the others standing to go. Everyone leaves their dishes on the table, and Dan remembers that the same thing had been done last night. He wonders if the dinner remains are still out by the pool or if Tia started work early enough to tidy that up as well as prepare breakfast.

They walk down to the barn, and Evan and Tatiana show off all the features to Dan, while Jeff stands back and watches with amusement. There is potential mayhem when the siblings want to show off the shower stall, each trying to spray the other with one of the long hoses, but cooler minds prevail and no one gets worse than a soaked shoe. Most of the improvements have gone into the outdoor riding rings. Dan looks at the surface of the dressage ring and the round pen, and then they head over to the grass jumping ring. There’s no sod laid yet, but the ground has been prepared with lots of sand and light loam, and there’s good drainage in all the rings. It all looks great to Dan, and he tells the Kaminskis so.

The interviews are scheduled to take place at the barn, so once they’re done with the tour they just poke around the tack room and the loft, while Jeff is a little more responsible and makes sure that there are some chairs and a table set up in the empty feed room. Evan lays out the game plan. He will start by asking the candidates basic background information. Dan will ask about their experience and try to get an idea of their general knowledge. Jeff will determine their familiarity with the local equestrian community. And Tatiana will ask if the candidates have any questions or would like to add anything. Dan mentions that Robyn is interested in moving out.

Evan beams. “Yeah, Linda told us about that! That’d be great. It’d be good to have someone you already know you can work with.”

Dan doesn’t really want to say it, but he wants to be sure he’s being fair to these people. “It’ll be good even if I don’t come out. She’s been working with the horses for years, so she’d be a really valuable resource for whoever your trainer might be.”

Evan looks like he might want to argue a little, but Jeff quiets him with a nod, and then the first interviewee is there. Dan and Tatiana are both a little nervous, but they make it through the first one, and everything after that is easy. There’s one great candidate, three that would probably be fine, and two that are disastrous. Dan feels a little bad for recommending them, but Evan points out that it’s easy to look good on paper, and weeding people out is the whole point of interviews.

They troop back up to the house for a lunch of homemade soup and sandwiches, and then it’s back to the barn for more interviews. The afternoon candidates are worse than the morning ones, with no one that’s really great, two that might be okay, and three that are out of the question. One doesn’t even show up.

At the end, Evan sums it all up. “Okay, so we’ve got the head trainer position hopefully filled, then there’s two assistant trainers, we were thinking? So if one’s Robyn, and one’s Michelle from this morning? Then we want two barn staff… I say Devin and Sara from this morning.”

“I’d like to see Michelle on a horse, if we’re hiring her to ride, but otherwise that sounds good.” Evan nods at Dan’s comment.

Once they’ve decided on who they want to hire, Evan calls Linda and asks her to take care of contacting them, and then the four head up the hill to the cross-country course. Dan likes what he sees but wants to come back when he gets the opportunity, to double check some of the spacing and the landing surfaces. He has to admit, though, that everything looks really good. Evan has obviously spared no expense, but he’s also hired someone who knows the demands of horses.

They’re walking down from the cross-country course when Dan’s cell rings. He’s a little surprised they get service out so far, but then thinks the Kaminskis could probably have bought their own tower if they had to. He checks the caller display and his mouth goes dry. He reminds himself that there are lots of reasons for a call from the Archer house. There could be a problem with one of the horses, or a question about ordering supplies. But his mind goes immediately to the call he’s been dreading for over a year.

He’s stopped walking and the others have moved a little away to wait for him, but when he doesn’t answer the phone, they look back curiously. Jeff starts back toward him, concern on his face, and Dan kicks into gear and flips the phone open.

“Hello.”

“Dan? It’s Chris.” Chris sounds shaky, and there’s no other reason for him to be calling Dan, especially not from the Archer house. Dan turns his face away from the others. He sees a boulder a few steps away, and moves over to lean against it.

“Yeah, Chris, I’m here.” Dan is almost whispering.

“Danny….” Chris’s voice breaks on the second syllable, and Dan can hear him taking a deep breath over the phone. When he starts again, his voice is stronger. “Justin had a heart attack this afternoon. They say he had an infection, it came on really fast, and it just put too much stress on his body.” Dan knows what’s coming, but he finds that he needs to hear the words. He waits, and finally Chris continues. “He’s gone, Dan. It was really fast, there was no suffering.” Dan nods, and then realizes that Chris can’t see him. It doesn’t seem to matter, as Chris continues anyway. “His parents are with him. They were gonna call you, but they’re pretty wrecked. They said to say that they’ll call later tonight.” Dan nods again. “Dan, are you still there? Danny?”

Dan pulls himself together, at least a little. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“Okay, so we need to get you home. Right? I mean, there’s no rush, in terms of… you know, services or anything. But….”

“Yeah.” Dan realizes that he’s crying, but it’s weird, his voice doesn’t seem to be affected. His brain feels numb, feels like everything is happening far, far away. Dan went away for a day and a half, and Justin died alone.

“Dan, is anybody there with you? Maybe I could talk to someone about travel plans?” Dan doesn’t really understand that. What does Chris have to do with travel plans? But he doesn’t really want to talk to Chris anymore anyway, so he turns around and sees Jeff hovering a few feet away. Evan has his arm around Tatiana’s shoulders, and they’re both pretending to look down toward the house. Dan leans out toward Jeff, phone in hand, and Jeff steps forward and takes it. He holds the phone in one hand and reaches out with the other to grip Dan’s shoulder.

“Hello, Jeff Stevens here. Yeah…. Yeah.” Jeff moves closer to Dan. “Yeah, we’ll take care of it…. Okay…. Yeah, we’ll give you a call when it’s sorted out…. Okay, bye.”

Jeff folds the phone and puts it in his pocket, and then turns so he’s standing in front of Dan. “I’m sorry,” he says in his low voice, and Dan knows that he is, but he also knows that it doesn’t really matter, doesn’t change anything. The whole world could be sorry, and Justin would still be dead.

Dan isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say or feel. He looks up for a moment, sees the beautiful rolling hills, the distant mountains and the warm afternoon sun, and he hates all of it, hates to think that Justin will never see anything so beautiful, will never see anything again. He’d thought maybe he was used to the idea of Justin’s death, thought that his plan to start saying goodbye would make things easier, but he can’t imagine anything harder than this. He starts to slide forward, as if his legs no longer want to hold him up, but Jeff is there, his strong arms catching Dan’s shoulders, and he leans forward and braces the top of his head against Jeff’s chest. One of Jeff’s hands comes up and runs through Dan’s hair, and they just stay like that for what seems like a long while. At some point, Evan is there, and Jeff is talking to him in low tones, but then Evan is gone, and it’s just Jeff again.

Eventually, Dan lifts his head up. He wipes his face with his sleeve. It’s gross, but he doesn’t have a Kleenex. He looks at Jeff. “I should go.”

Jeff nods slowly, and his touch is gentle as he smooths Dan’s hair back from his face. “Evan’s gone down to get Linda to change your flight. If you’re ready, we should go down and get you packed up.”

Dan doesn’t know if he’s ready, doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready. But Jeff seems to think it’s a good idea, so Dan straightens up. Jeff moves around beside him and slings an arm across his shoulder. The ground is really too rough for walking like that, but Dan doesn’t think to object, and Jeff doesn’t let go.

It’s strange to walk down the same hill that they’d just walked up. When they’d been coming up it, Justin had still been alive. But that isn’t true… Justin had been dead, and Dan hadn’t known, had been walking around talking like the distance between two elements in a show jumping ring actually mattered. Dan wonders what he’d actually been doing when Justin died. Had he been interviewing some hopeless barn rat, or had he been choking on his soup as he laughed at Evan’s impersonation of Tatiana? Or had it happened even earlier, when Dan had been sitting on the porch, looking at the mountains and imagining another man in his bed?

They take a shortcut to the guest house, and when they get there Jeff leaves Dan staring at the mountains as he calls the main house. He grunts a few times and then puts his phone away. “Okay, they’ve got you on a flight that leaves in two and a half hours. It’s about forty five minutes to the airport, so we don’t have a lot of time, but why don’t you grab a quick shower, and I’ll throw your stuff together.” Dan hears him, but is again having trouble understanding why he should care. “Dan.” Jeff’s hand is on his shoulder, and he’s being guided into the house. “Come on, kid, you’re gonna be all right. Do you want to skip the shower? Let’s change your shirt, at least.” Jeff guides Dan up the stairs and into the master bedroom. They go into the en suite bathroom, and Jeff turns the cold water on in the sink, lets it run for a second, and then puts the plug down.

“Okay, kid, shirt off, please.” Dan doesn’t see the point of this, doesn’t see the point of anything. Everything is so far away. He feels Jeff’s fingers undoing the buttons on his shirt and wonders vaguely what’s going on, but he doesn’t really seem to care. Jeff eases the shirt off Dan’s shoulders and lets it fall to the floor. By the time the shirt is off, the sink is filled with water, and Jeff moves Dan over to stand in front of it. “Okay, I know it’s weird, but I think you’re gonna feel a lot better if you cool down. So let’s go.” Jeff holds Dan’s waist and pushed gently on his shoulders, and Dan’s face is lowered over the sink. “Okay, kid, I’m just gonna splash you a little.” Jeff cups the cold water in his hands and brings it up to Dan’s face, runs the coolness over Dan’s forehead and down his cheek. Jeff dips some more water up and catches Dan’s other cheek, then down his jaw.

The chill is welcome. Dan’s whole face feels hot and swollen, and the next time Jeff’s hand goes back to the sink Dan follows it with his face, pushing as much of his head as he can into the icy water. It’s so cold it hurts, but it brings Dan back to himself, cools his brain and lets him think. He stays in as long as he can, and when he comes up for air he brings his own hands forward and uses them to splash water over the back of his neck and his upper shoulders. Jeff laughs gently. “See, I really think a shower would have been tidier, but, go to it.” Jeff waits until he sees that Dan is functioning and then goes into the bedroom and starts rooting through Dan’s backpack. Dan takes a washcloth off the rack and turns the cold water back on. He soaks the cloth and uses it to cool down his chest and his back.

When Jeff comes back in the room, Dan pulls himself up and looks in the mirror. His whole face is swollen, but it’s not red anymore, and Dan feels like he might be able to function, as long as he doesn’t let himself think. Jeff hands him a shirt, and as Dan is doing up the buttons, Jeff’s hand goes to the back of Dan’s neck and shakes him a little. “You’re gonna be okay, kid. We’ll make sure you’re okay.”

Chapter 13

EVAN DRIVES him to the airport, while Jeff sits with Dan in the backseat. Dan hasn’t started crying again, but he’s still not really functioning too well. Nobody’s talking much, but when they do say things he has trouble making sense of them.

They get to the airport and Evan parks the car, and he carries Dan’s backpack as Jeff walks beside Dan. Evan goes to the ticket counter, and then they get to the security gate and Jeff walks through with Dan, while Evan stays behind. Dan doesn’t really understand that, but he doesn’t worry about it much. He’s trying to focus on the little details as he goes, trying to keep his mind off anything important, trying to keep his mind off Justin. He does math for a while, counting by threes and then by fours until he loses track and has to start again. He knows it makes him seem odd, unaware, but if he doesn’t distract himself he’ll break down again, and that was bad enough in an empty field with only Jeff. He really doesn’t think it would be appreciated in a crowded airport.

The flight is called, and Jeff gets up with Dan. When they get to the Jetway opening, Jeff hands two tickets to the flight attendant. Dan is finally present enough to realize that something’s going on.

“Wait. Are you flying with me?” Jeff just smiles, and Dan shakes his head. “No… man, I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. I just… it caught me off guard or something. I can pull it together, don’t worry.”

Jeff’s hand is on the back of Dan’s neck, and he gives him a gentle shake. “I’m not worried, kid. I’ve got some business in Kentucky anyway. I might as well take care of it now.”

“Business? When did you start having business in Kentucky?” Dan’s mind still feels muddy, but he doesn’t remember Jeff saying anything about this before.

Jeff smiles. “Is this really something you want to talk about right now?” They’re walking down the Jetway, and then they get to the plane and are herded to the left, toward their seats. Jeff stands aside for Dan to go in first, and then takes the aisle seat. Dan feels like he’s being protected.

Dan stares out the window for most of the flight, watching the clouds and counting in his head. Any other thoughts have a way of leading back to Justin. Thinking about horses is obviously impossible, but Dan also can’t think about movies without remembering the ones he saw with Justin, music without thinking of Justin’s favorite songs, or politics without remembering how passionate Justin was about his chosen issues. As far as Dan can recall, he and Justin never did math together. He’s up to counting by seventeens when the announcement comes on to fasten seatbelts. The minutiae of landing and getting off the plane let Dan get into the airport, but when the security doors slide open in the Arrivals area, and he sees a grim-faced Chris waiting outside, he actually stops and turns around, starts walking in the opposite direction.

Jeff lets him take a few steps and then grabs his arm and guides him out of the way of the other travelers. Jeff looks at him in concern, and Dan manages to say, “I just need a minute, just a minute.” The flight had been like a little break from reality. He’d never been on a plane with Justin, so as long as he kept his brain turned off, he could feel as if Justin was still on the ground, waiting for him. Dan knows that as soon as he steps past the door, as soon as he sees Chris’s grief, the opportunity for denial will be over.

Jeff stands patiently, lets Dan take a few deep breaths, and then walks behind him with a hand lightly touching the small of his back. Dan feels a bit like he’s being herded, but in a good way. This time he makes it through the door, and Chris sees them and watches as they approach.

“Hey, Danny.” Chris’s voice is low and scratchy. Dan nods at him, and Chris extends his hand for Jeff to shake. “Hey, Jeff. Thanks for making the trip.”

Jeff nods, and then looks at Dan. “Are you okay with Chris, kid?” Dan just looks at him blankly. Okay to do what? Jeff tries again. “Chris is going to drive you back to the apartment, okay?”

Dan stares at him. The apartment where he and Justin lived together? They think Dan is going there? He starts walking, heading for the exit. He calls back over his shoulder, “I just need some air. I’ll be right back,” but of course they follow him, and when he gets outside, it’s no better. He doesn’t need air—he needs Justin.

Jeff moves closer again, brings his hand back to Dan’s shoulder. “Do you want to go somewhere else? Do you want to stay at a hotel?” Jeff looks to Chris for permission as he says, “Or at Chris’s place?”

Dan takes a deep breath and tells himself to stop being such a little girl. He manages a sort-of smile, although he suspects it looks about as real as it feels. “No, sorry, I’m being an idiot. Thanks for coming out, Jeff, and, Chris, thanks for coming to get me.” He straightens up. “Yeah, if you could drop me off at the apartment, that’d be great.”

Jeff is looking at Dan as if he’s trying to figure out how much of that was an act. Chris doesn’t seem too convinced either.

“You’re totally welcome at my place, Dan—or at Karl and Molly’s or Robyn’s….”

Dan doesn’t really want to break down in the airport, and that means he needs to get out of there soon. “No, thanks, I’m fine.” He turns to Jeff but can’t look him in the eye, knows that the kindness that he would see there would destroy the facade he’s trying to build. “Thanks again, Jeff.”

Jeff looks like he doesn’t want to leave, but he’s clearly being dismissed. He gives Dan a long look, but Dan still won’t look straight back at him. He sighs. “Okay, kid, you’ve got my cell number, and I’ll be in town. Give me a call if you need me, for anything.” Dan nods, but he needs to get out of there. Jeff is honesty and comfort, and Dan can’t let himself be honest right now, can’t be comforted without collapsing. This is Kentucky, not California, and in Kentucky, Dan has responsibilities.

Jeff heads off, and Dan follows Chris to his truck. They ride quietly, and Dan is glad that it’s dark out, glad that he can’t really see much when he looks out the window, can’t see the familiar landmarks, can’t see the places he and Justin had been together.

They turn off the highway, and Chris starts to talk. “Remember the time we went up the Reds game?”

Dan isn’t sure he can do this.

“It was Justin’s turn to drive, and you and me were shitfaced before we even got to the park. Remember? Remember how pissed off he was? Just swearing at us the whole time.” Chris might be crying a little, but he’s keeping his eyes on the road. “And when we got to the game, we—” Chris breaks off, his voice unsteady.

“We snuck into the VIP section, and you met that girl, that redhead.” Dan stops looking out the window, looks over at Chris instead. “Yeah, man, I remember.”

“I thought I was in love, I swear. She went to the bathroom or something, and you were passed out over in the corner—”

“I was resting my eyes,” Dan interjects, and his voice sounds almost normal.

“Yeah, okay. You were out of it, and I was going on and on to Justin about how I’d never felt this way, and it was like a lightning bolt, and all that crap.” Chris’s laughing a little, too, now, but they pass a street light, and Dan can see that Chris’s eyes are still shining with tears. “And he’d been so pissed off all day, and I thought he was gonna shit all over me and my little dream, and then”—Chris glances over at Dan, and then jerks his eyes back to the road—“and then he looked over at you, and he said, ‘yeah, sometimes you just know’.”

Dan takes a minute. He’s never heard this part of the story before. “He looked over at me all drunk and passed out, and he said that?”

Chris grins. “Dude, you were just resting your eyes.”

Dan turns to the window again, sees a farm pass by, the lights in the house warm and welcoming. He turns to Chris again. “Give it to me straight, man… was I drooling?”

Chris’s lips twitch. “Possibly there was a little drool.” Then he looks at Dan, his face serious. “And he still loved you that much.”

Dan takes a deep, shaky breath. “And now it’s over.”

They’re at the farm, and Chris pulls in and parks in front of the barn. “If we’re being honest, Danny… it’s been over for a while.” Dan doesn’t want to hear this speech, opens his door to get out, but Chris grabs his arm. “Not like you shouldn’t be hurting, just like… you’re surviving, you’re managing without him. You know? I know it hurts, but… you can get past it.” He leans back in his seat and takes his hand off Dan’s arm. “We can all get past it.”

Dan has his feet on the ground, and he just sits there for a minute, breathing in the night. Then he stands, says, “Thanks for the ride, Chris,” and shuts the truck door.

He knows it’s late, knows he should go up the stairs to the apartment, but instead he opens the door to the barn and slips inside. The horses are asleep, and the barn is quiet. He walks down the aisle to Monty’s stall, and looks over the door. Most horses sleep standing up, but Monty has a tendency to lie down, curled up like he’s still a foal. He’s lying like that now, and it makes him look peaceful and innocent.

Dan leans against the stall door, brings his head down to rest his chin on his hands, and looks at the horse. Dan believes that animals have emotions. He’s seen too much anger and joy and frustration and confusion and fear from them to deny it. But he doesn’t know if they feel love, and he doesn’t know if they feel sorrow. Monty is a full brother to Willow, the horse that had fallen on Justin. And she’d been injured in the fall, too, broken a leg and lots of other things, been put down by the vets before she’d left the show grounds. But Monty hadn’t even noticed that there was an empty stall. Dan envies that, sometimes. But then he wonders if it’s worth the trade, if never feeling sorrow makes it worth never feeling love.

He hears a shuffling sound and looks down the barn aisle, sees Chris standing there bashfully. Chris comes a little closer, and Dan’s eyes go to the bottle of Wild Turkey in his hand. Chris holds it up questioningly.

Dan takes a long look, and then nods his head. “Fuck, yeah. Let’s go upstairs.”

They mostly drink silently. Every now and then one of them will come up with a memory, check to see if the other remembers it the same way. After a while, Chris is falling asleep in his chair, and Dan pulls himself to his feet and slaps Chris’s shoulder. “I think the blankets for the couch are still packed, man. Come help me find them, or you’re gonna freeze your ass off.” Chris staggers up and joins Dan by the pile of belongings that he’d never bothered to put away after he’d moved back. They rustle around a bit and find the blankets, and then Dan goes into the bedroom and pulls one of the pillows off his bed, lobs it at Chris.

Chris bundles himself in the blankets and collapses on the couch, pillow wrapped in his arm. Dan stumbles to his bed and climbs in, and he falls asleep before he even has time to think about how Justin will never sleep in the bed again.

It’s like his head barely had time to hit the pillow before he hears the sounds of the horses being fed down in the barn. He wants to go back to sleep, wants to dream about a life where Justin timed the jump just a fraction of a second differently, where he took the turn a little wider and came at the obstacle a little straighter. But he can hear the horses making their “bring me food” rumbles downstairs, and he knows he’s never going to get back to sleep. He stumbles to the kitchen and puts on the coffee, then heads for the shower.

He adjusts the water temperature and strips down, then climbs into the tub. He runs the bar of soap over his body, down to his groin. The shower used to be his standard masturbation location. It’s ironic, in a way, that back when he was having lots of sex he used to jerk off all the time, and then when he stopped having sex, he pretty much stopped jerking off too. He hadn’t given it up altogether, but it had changed from being a natural, instinctive way to enjoy his body into an emotional minefield. He couldn’t manage to come without picturing something, someone, and before Justin’s accident it could have been anyone, someone from a movie or a guy he’d seen on the street or, often, Justin in a particularly hot moment. But after the accident, Dan felt like it had to be Justin, but then he worried that he was living in the past and worried when the memories began to fade and became less vivid. It started to feel dirty, like he was taking advantage somehow. It felt wrong to want someone who was in no condition to want him back. It became easier to just turn the water a little colder and put the whole thing out of his mind.

On this morning, he’s too hung over for it to be much of an issue, and he turns the water on cold to help shrink his headache rather than his erection.

When he gets out of the shower, Chris is awake, already drinking coffee. Dan grunts at him and stumbles toward the coffee pot. Chris grunts back and heads for the shower.

By the time Chris is out of the bathroom, Dan is dressed and has eaten a breakfast of cold cereal. He’s thinking about going downstairs, but he’s a bit afraid to see anyone. He can handle Robyn, he’s pretty sure, but dealing with Karl or Molly would be torture. Chris pulls on his clothes from the day before, then gets a bowl from the cupboard and pours himself some cereal, cursing when there’s not quite enough milk left in the carton. Dan watches him eat, and Chris eventually says, “Karl and Molly wanted to talk to you, find out if you have any preferences for the service or whatever.”

Dan shakes his head. “I don’t think I care. It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

Chris shrugs. “I don’t know. I think they’re trying to make a point; do it right this time.” He seems to know he’s on shaky ground, but Dan doesn’t want to start that fight up again. He’s tired, and Chris is all he’s got left of Justin.

“Are you going to talk to them today? Could you just tell them I don’t care?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Chris finishes his cereal and sits back. “But you’re going to have to talk to them sometime.”

Dan would rather not think about that. “Yeah, sometime.” He squints at Chris. “That’s not one of them downstairs, though, right? That’s Robyn?”

“I dunno, probably.” He stands up and takes his bowl and Dan’s to the sink, then comes back and sits down. “They were pretty messed up yesterday. Like, medicated.”

Dan nods, and wonders why that option hadn’t been made available to him. Some drugs could have been just what he needed. Then he thinks of the Wild Turkey, and his stomach churns a little.

“How was California?”

The question startles Dan, and it takes him a moment to even understand what Chris is talking about. “It was all right. Nice place, nice people.”

Chris nods. “Jeff seems like a good guy… seemed concerned about you yesterday.”

Dan feels like a bit of an idiot. “Yeah. I kinda… I might have screwed that up a little. I fell apart a bit, I guess. Not exactly the ideal house guest. Or the model employee.”

Chris shakes his head. “I’m sure they understood. They know the situation.”

“Yeah, but it’s not their problem. I shouldn’t have dragged them into it.”

“Cut yourself some slack, Dan. You don’t have to be Captain Control all the time.”

Dan thinks about his behavior the day before, thinks about how he can’t even remember what happened between going to lean on the boulder and submerging his face in the basin of water. “Yeah, I kinda do,” he says softly.

Chris shakes his head. “Dude, trust me… you really don’t.” Then he swallows the last of his coffee. “I’m gonna go home, get some clean clothes. I’ll call Karl and Molly from there, tell them you don’t care about the service… if you’re sure that you don’t care?”

Dan shakes his head. “I’ve never even been to a funeral before. And… that’s not Justin, right?” He finds himself tearing up again, but this time it feels okay, doesn’t feel like he’s on the edge of an abyss like it had the day before. “I mean… when I remember Justin, I’m gonna remember him outside, racing our horses across the hills in the back or swimming in the pond or….” He takes a moment to recover his voice, and then he grins through his tears. “Either that or in bed, and I really don’t think any of those things is gonna fit into a funeral service, right?”

Chris grins a little as he says, “Not a traditional service, no.” He nods his understanding and heads for the door, but when he gets there he pauses and turns around. “Hey, Danny?” Dan looks up, and Chris says, “Justin was my best friend for my whole life, for thirty-four years.” Dan nods, and Chris continues, his voice cracking and low. “And out of all that, when I remember Justin… I’m gonna remember him with you.” Chris turns and heads down the stairs, and Dan stands in the apartment thinking of how much he has lost, but also of how much he has managed to retain.

Chapter 14

DAN EVENTUALLY makes it down the stairs and finds that it is Robyn doing the chores. She tears up a little when she sees him, but she gets by with a quick hug, and then they both distract themselves with the horses. For once in his life, Dan doesn’t really feel like riding, but he wants to stay busy and useful, so he lunges a couple of the young horses in the corner of the dressage arena. It feels better to work with them than with any of the older horses, the ones he and Justin had trained together.

His phone rings around lunchtime, call display showing the Brown Hotel, the same place Jeff had stayed the last time he was in town. Dan flips the phone open. “Hello.”

“Hey, kid, it’s Jeff.” Dan wonders if his response is somehow Pavlovian. For a while, hearing Jeff’s voice was making him think of sex, but now it just makes him want to cry.

“Hey, Jeff. How’re you?”

“I’m good.” He sounds a little cautious. “How about you?”

Dan tries to make his voice sound light. “Hung over and generally fucked up, but, you know… I’ll be fine. I’m really sorry about yesterday, man. I can’t… I can’t really explain it.”

“Dan, you don’t have to. It’s not a big deal.”

Dan laughs a little bitterly. “Yeah, I’m sure it happens every day in the Happy Land of Kaminski.”

“Careful, Dan… they’ve lost people, too, remember.”

Dan immediately feels terrible. “Shit, I know, I’m sorry. I’m just… I don’t know. Sorry.” He searches for a topic change. “But I just lunged Kip, and he didn’t seem sore at all, so at least we don’t have to worry about shipping a lame horse out to California.”

“Yeah, good. Listen, I was thinking of coming out, having a look at the horses. Are you going to be there? I could pick up something for lunch.”

Dan doesn’t think that sounds like a good idea. He’s got a nice pattern of distraction set up, and Jeff would just get in the way of that. Jeff would make him start feeling again. “Oh, thanks, man, but I’ve already eaten.”

“Oh… I was talking to Chris earlier, and he said you didn’t have much food in the fridge.”

So Chris is reporting to Jeff, now? “I had stuff in the cupboards.” Dan doesn’t like lying, especially to Jeff, but he doesn’t need a nursemaid. “Thanks for the thought, but I’m fine, really.”

Jeff doesn’t sound convinced, but he lets Dan off the phone, at least.

Almost immediately, the phone rings again; this time it’s the Archer house. Dan doesn’t want to answer. He thinks about letting them leave a message. They might be just as relieved to avoid the contact as he would be. But Chris is right; he’s going to have to deal with them eventually, so he flips his phone open. “Hello.”

There’s a pause, and then Karl’s voice. “Dan, it’s Karl. How are you?”

Karl doesn’t make it sound like a casual greeting, he makes it sound like an invitation to bare his soul, and Dan feels a flash of anger. It’s none of Karl’s damn business how he is. But he puts a lid on that and makes his tone neutral. “I’m okay. How are you? And Molly?”

“We’re both… as well as can be expected.” Karl sounds old and tired, and Dan is annoyed again. These people shouldn’t be his problem—how did he get himself in a position where he is supposed to care about them? But he knows he isn’t being rational and tries to think of something to say that won’t show his feelings.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Oh, no, Dan, nothing for you to worry about.” There’s another pause. “We spoke to Chris earlier, and he said you didn’t think you had any preferences for the funeral. Is that right? No favorite Bible verse or anything?”

Dan almost snorts. Has he ever said or done anything that would make Karl think he knew a single Bible verse, let alone had a favorite? “Uh, no, not really.”

Karl continues, and Dan feels like bashing his phone against the wall of the barn. He wonders if Karl is still drugged, if that would explain his slow speech and apparent inability to accept that Dan doesn’t care about any of this. “We thought we’d go with the Twenty-third Psalm. We know it’s overused, but it’s beautiful.”

“Okay.” Dan doesn’t know how much of this he can take. “Have you got a time set for it yet? Do you know where it’s going to be?”

“Oh, yes, we’ve got the schedule here somewhere….” There’s the sound of rustling papers, and then Karl’s voice calling to someone.

There’s a rattling sound, and then Chris’s voice. “Danny? Listen, let me call you back—a bunch of aunts and uncles just arrived, and everything’s a bit crazy.”

“Sure, fine,” Dan says, and clicks the phone shut. Chris is over at the house again. Chris is taking care of everything. Dan feels a flash of resentment before he settles into being ashamed. Is it any wonder the Archers didn’t trust Dan with being part of the earlier decision when this is how he acts when something bad happens? He’d melted down the day before. Today he’s hiding in the barn, avoiding taking any responsibility for anything. He decides he should be grateful for Chris. Let him take the heat and deal with them all. Molly and Chris’s mom are close, so she’s probably involved, and the woman has never been a big fan of Dan’s. She’d once called him an “opportunistic drifter” when she didn’t know he could hear. And Chris knows all the relatives, has a knack for keeping track of cousins and grandparents that Dan would just as soon forget about. Family comes easy to Chris, so let Chris deal with the family.

Dan helps Robyn clean the remaining stalls and then heads upstairs. He hunts through the kitchen for food, wishing that there really was a secret stash in one of the cupboards. He knows he should just go and buy groceries or at least pick up some takeout. He knows he should have just let Jeff come over. But he feels like he’s walking a fine line of control, and somehow being with Jeff makes it harder to maintain the facade of calmness, makes it more likely that he’ll wobble out of balance. He remembers his little display the day before and grimaces. He knows he can’t blame Jeff for it, but thinks maybe he would have managed to get it together faster if Jeff hadn’t been so understanding and gentle. And Dan knows that Jeff doesn’t have any business in Kentucky, knows that he seemed so weak that Jeff thought he needed to be baby-sat. The fact that Jeff is still here is embarrassing evidence of Dan’s inability to make himself appear normal and in control. He thinks guiltily of Jeff’s actual business, in California, and of the upcoming art show that he had said he’d need to spend a lot of time preparing for. Instead of doing any of that, he’s hanging out in a Louisville hotel worrying that Dan is unable to even feed himself.

Dan’s stomach growls as if echoing Jeff’s concern. He looks at his phone, thinks about calling Jeff and taking him up on his offer, but it’s too pathetic. Then there’s the sound of footsteps on the stairs and a knock at the door, which Dan has left ajar, as usual. Dan is only a little disappointed when the door is shoved open to reveal Chris’s face.

Chris pushes the door the rest of the way open with his foot, and Dan notices that Chris is carrying a lot of stuff. It’s mostly in bags, but there are a couple of boxes, some Tupperware… Dan’s stomach growls again, this time in delight. Chris has brought him food.

Chris takes everything over to the kitchen table and manages to set it down without dropping anything. “They’re drowning in casseroles over there—I said I thought I knew a good home.” He pokes around a little. “I tried to pick the good stuff.” Then he opens up one of the bags and pulls out two cartons of milk and another bottle of Wild Turkey. They hadn’t finished the one from the night before, but apparently Chris wants to be prepared.

Dan closes in on the table. “Is there anything that doesn’t need to be heated?” He finds a Tupperware container filled with little sandwiches and eats one as he walks over to the cupboard. “You want a plate?”

“Yeah, sure.” Chris is still sorting, putting things in the fridge or over on the counter. He pulls out one glass casserole dish. “His Aunt Debbie’s mac and cheese—trust me, man, this is excellent. I’m putting it in the fridge, on top—you should have that for dinner.” When Chris is done fussing, he takes the plate from Dan and they both take a few handfuls of the little sandwiches. They go to sit on the couch.

After a few moments of silent eating, Chris pulls a sheet of paper from his back pocket. “This is the schedule. There’s visitation tomorrow, 4 p.m. to 8 p.m., that’s at the funeral home—Wilsons’, on Broadway, by the mall?” Dan nods blankly. He’s not altogether sure what a visitation is, but he supposes he can find the place if he needs to. “Then the funeral service is the next day at one, at St. Andrew’s United.” Dan nods again. He knows he’ll have to go to the funeral. Chris looks a little uncomfortable about the next part. “And then… they want to have him cremated. I know you said you didn’t care, but I thought I’d run that by you.”

“Cremated? Damn, they just can’t get rid of him fast enough, huh?” Dan doesn’t think that’s what he meant to say, but he’s not sure.

Chris looks a little pained. “Apparently it’s a family thing—they’re just not into graveyards.”

Dan isn’t too clear on all this. “So, then… where do the ashes go?”

“I guess they go wherever people want. You can scatter them, or keep them in an urn or something….”

“I thought they were trying to get away from keeping Justin in storage.”

Chris gives him a level look. “Do you actually object to this, or are you just being pissy?”

Dan sighs and runs both hands through his hair. “I don’t even know.” He eats two more little sandwiches before he says, “I guess it’s no worse than having him in the ground, right? I mean, either way….” Dan is proud that he said all that without crying. It’s a lot easier to be irritable than to be honest, but Chris is doing a lot, and he deserves Dan’s best effort.

“Okay. I’ll let them know… but, Dan… the visitation tomorrow, that’s going to be pretty public. Do you want that to be the first time you see Karl and Molly, or do you want to come back over to the house with me now?”

“Am I supposed to go to the visitation?”

Chris looks surprised. “Well, yeah. I think Karl and Molly were thinking you’d stand next to them.”

“Stand next to them? Chris, what the hell’s a visitation? And does it really last for four hours?” Dan is beginning to wish he had a bit more experience with funerals.

Chris snorts. “Feels like four years, usually. It’s for people to come through and pay their respects, give their sympathy to the family.” Chris scratches his nose. “Usually the coffin’s there so people can say bye to Justin, and then there’s a kind of line up that they go through, giving condolences. I don’t know. I’ve been to ones that are less formal, just sort of a gathering of people. It’s supposed to be a chance for people to talk one-on-one.”

“I’m supposed to talk one-on-one with Justin’s family? About what?”

“About Justin, mostly. But, honestly, the way Molly’s going, I think practically the whole family is going to be in the damn receiving line, so you won’t really have to talk to them.”

Dan’s mind is whirling. “Okay, wait, walk me through this… I show up at what time? At four?”

“A little before, probably. I can pick you up if you want.”

“Okay, and then what?”

“Then you get in a line with the rest of the family and stand there and feel awkward as people come through and say nice things to you.”

Dan tries to collect his thoughts, then shakes his head. “But I’m not part of the family. Why am I there? Do you have to do this?”

Chris smiles gently. “Karl asked me, but I said I might be more useful in the background, helping out. And it’s not family like there’s a blood test. It’s family like people who cared about him.”

“But then why don’t you have to do it?” Dan is starting to panic. He’d thought the funeral would be bad, but this is sounding a thousand times worse.

“Dan, chill out. You don’t have to do anything. It’s just—you and Justin were together for a long time. People know you. You know people. They’ll expect you to be there.” Chris pauses, and seems to be searching for more ways to convince Dan. “There’ll be a lot of horse people, probably. Justin was a pretty big deal around here—people will want to say goodbye. You can just talk shop with them.”

“For four hours?” Dan’s mouth is dry.

“For, like, a minute each person. And you can take breaks if you want to. Look, man, I’m not saying it’s going to be a good time, but you might be glad you did it—it can help remind you that a lot of people care.”

“Oh God.”

“It’ll make the funeral seem easy by comparison—does that help?”

“No, you sadistic bastard, that doesn’t help!” Dan is half-laughing, half-crying. He feels like he might be getting a little over the edge. He sees yesterday’s bottle of Wild Turkey on the table. He thinks for a second, and then leans over and picks it up, opens it and takes a swallow. It burns, but he waits a moment and then takes another. He offers the bottle to Chris, who considers it briefly and then stands up and goes to the kitchen, coming back with two glasses. Dan is already feeling better, the burn in his throat and stomach dispersing into a warm glow, but he takes the glass Chris pours for him anyway.

“Can I be drunk for it?”

Chris grins. “You probably shouldn’t be falling down, but I bet half the people there will have a flask.”

“Can I be drunk after it?”

“I dunno. Do you want to be hungover for the funeral?”

Dan doesn’t think it would make things any worse. “I was hoping to be drunk for the funeral too.”

“Damn,” Chris says mildly. “I should have bought more than one extra bottle.”

Dan lets out a deep, shaky breath. “This is really happening, huh?”

There’s a long pause, and then Chris drains his glass. “Yeah, it really is.”

They sit in silence for a moment longer, and then Dan reaches over and grabs the bottle, refills his glass and Chris’s. “Okay. What else do I need to know?”

DAN DOESN’T make it over to the Archer house that afternoon. It’s not that he thinks it’s a bad idea, exactly, but when he looks at the amber liquid in his glass and realizes that finishing this drink will make him too drunk to impose himself on a grieving family… he finishes the drink. And then a couple more. Chris is being more restrained, and when Dan’s eyes start drifting shut, Chris puts him to bed. Dan tries to resist, tells Chris that it’s only mid-afternoon, reminds him that he wanted Dan to have Aunt Debbie’s mac and cheese for dinner, but Chris dumps him on the bed, and Dan decides to stay there. It’s comfy and warm.

When he wakes up, it’s to the sounds of the horses being brought in and fed. The sun is going down outside his window. He doesn’t feel hung over, so he thinks he must still be drunk, but he pours himself another glass just to make sure. He wonders briefly if this is becoming a problem, this alcohol thing, and then decides that for the next few days, it’s allowed. For the next few days, anything that keeps him from screaming is allowed.

He gets up and goes to the kitchen, finds the casserole dish in the fridge and reads the directions on the attached Post-it note: Oven, 350 degrees, for an hour. He can do that.

While he’s waiting, he paces around the apartment. Chris had said the funeral home was looking for photographs and mementos to place around the room during the viewing, so the two of them had gone through the boxes and found whatever Dan had. He didn’t have much, really. Justin’s parents had been the chroniclers of his career, and Dan had never been much for photographs. When Dan had moved out after hearing about the sale of the farm, he’d packed Justin’s things along with his own, so he and Chris had unpacked almost everything Dan owned when they were looking for Justin’s stuff. It’s still spread all over the living room, and Dan thinks about picking it up. Instead, he picks up his phone. And then sets it down again. He’s a strange mix of drunk and hyperactive, and it’s driving him a little crazy.

He wants to call Jeff, but he’s starting to feel really weird about the whole thing. He doesn’t want Jeff’s pity, and doesn’t want to make himself look pathetic. He’s also feeling a little guilty. He’s not really thinking of sex, not anymore, but he can’t deny that he’s attracted to the man, and it seems wrong to want to talk to him now, so soon after Justin’s death. And the drunken haze is making things alternately seem much simpler and much more complicated.

In one of the moments of seeming simple, he picks up the phone and finds the hotel number, hits send. He decides that it’s like fate. If Jeff is in the room, Dan will talk to him. If Jeff isn’t, he won’t leave a message.

Jeff picks up on the second ring, and Dan almost hangs up the phone. When Jeff says “Hello?” for the second time, Dan finally kicks himself into gear.

“Jeff, hey, sorry. It’s Dan.”

“Hey, kid, how are you?”

“I’m okay. A little drunk, again. But I think that’s good, really… or at least not bad.” Dan decides to go for it. “Do you like macaroni and cheese?”

Jeff doesn’t seem fazed by the topic shift. “I like homemade, but not from the box.”

Yeah, Dan could have predicted that. “I’ve got some in the oven. It’s supposed to be really good. Have you had dinner yet?”

“No, not yet.”

“It’s almost nine o’clock. Why haven’t you had dinner yet?” Dan feels like turnabout is fair play. If Jeff can inquire into his meal planning, Dan can inquire into his.

“I had a late lunch.” Dan can hear a smile come into Jeff’s voice. “And I was talking to Chris this afternoon, and he said you had Aunt Debbie’s macaroni and cheese, so I was holding out for an invitation.”

Dan thinks about getting irritated. Is he really that predictable? And why are Chris and Jeff talking all the time, and do they have some sort of plan to manipulate him? But it all seems too complicated, and Dan doesn’t have the energy to care.

Jeff notices the long pause. “Dan? Everything okay?”

“I was just wondering whether I could eat the whole thing before you got here. It’s a pretty big dish, but I think maybe I could do it.”

“I’m on my way. Should I bring anything?”

“If you want something to drink besides Wild Turkey or milk….”

“Okay. I’ll see you in twenty.”

Dan thinks about showering, and then kicks himself. Is he sprucing up for a date or something? He starts to pick up the crap in the living room, because that’s not sprucing up, it’s just good manners. But he gets a little sidetracked when he comes across a book on Conditioning the Equine Athlete. He and Justin had both started reading it and had squabbled over it on the few occasions that they had wanted to read at the same time. But then they’d started writing notes to each other in the margins, and it had turned into a game. It had begun quite innocently, with Dan highlighting something they should try at the barn, but by the end the comments had gotten pretty explicit, with each of them suggesting things that they should try in bed, or in the shower, or against the wall in the kitchen… Dan is glad that he stumbled across the book now, rather than remembering about it after he had lent it to someone. He has a quick flash of Tatiana reading the book and squirms. He doesn’t want to throw it out, but he needs to find somewhere better to store it. He thinks briefly about contributing it to the display at the funeral home.

There’s a knock on his door, ajar as usual, and Jeff is there. He sees Dan sitting on the floor surrounded by stuff, and walks over to stand above him. “So? Is there any left?”

Dan grins. “I may have exaggerated the threat level a little. It’s still not done cooking.”

Jeff cocks an eyebrow. “I was talking about the bourbon.” Dan starts to get up, but Jeff stops him. “Don’t worry, I can get it myself. Glasses are…?” He walks into the kitchen, and Dan directs him to the cupboard, and then to the bottle on the kitchen table. Jeff fills his glass and brings the bottle over to top up Dan’s.

Jeff sits on the couch Dan is leaning against, and Dan thinks that if he shifted over an inch, his shoulder would be touching Jeff’s leg. He doesn’t do it. Jeff looks at the book Dan’s holding, and then the piles of belongings all over the room. “Getting organized?” he asks mildly.

“We were looking for stuff. For the visitation. Have you been to one of those before?”

Jeff looks a little surprised. “Well, yeah. You haven’t?” Dan shakes his head, and Jeff frowns. “You’re in the receiving line tomorrow?”

“I guess. It sounds kinda weird. I just stand there and people file by and say nice things about Justin?”

Jeff grins and then scootches off the couch to sit next to Dan on the floor. Their shoulders are definitely touching now. Dan is careful to neither increase nor decrease the pressure, and as a result he sits almost completely still. “Pretty much. Usually visitors will know some people in line better than others, so they’ll save their best stuff for the people they know. Like, if I didn’t know you, I’d walk up and shake your hand and say, ‘I’m Jeff Stevens. I do some business with Justin’s parents. I’m sorry for your loss.’ And you’d say….” Jeff cocks an eyebrow expectantly.

“I’m Dan? Justin and I…. Jesus, do I have to give us a name? Like, boyfriends or life partners or some crap? Can I just say we used to fuck?”

“Yeah, you can. That’d be great. If I’m gonna go through this line and make awkward small talk with strangers, I at least want the entertainment of seeing people’s faces when you introduce yourself that way.” Jeff nudges Dan’s shoulder a little, disrupting his careful balance of pressure. He finds that he doesn’t mind.

Dan nudges back. “Yeah, okay. Then I’d have another damn funeral to deal with, after Molly keeled over with a heart attack.”

Dan can feel Jeff’s laugh through their joined shoulders. It feels good.

They drink quietly for a bit, and then Jeff says, “I’ve only been in the receiving line once. For my father’s funeral.”

“Was it bad?”

“No, not terrible. We weren’t close, so… you know, there’s always regrets, like some Springsteen song, but… it wasn’t a huge thing, really.”

Dan waits, but Jeff doesn’t say anymore. Dan says, “My father’s still alive, as far as I know. And I didn’t find out my mother was dead until eight months later, so… not a lot of formalities there.”

Jeff is still and then asks quietly, “How did that come about?”

Dan isn’t sure why he’s doing this. He likes Jeff, wants Jeff to know him, but he doesn’t know why he’s telling him the worst stuff first. He continues anyway. “My mother got cancer when I was a teenager. A sick wife, a gay son—it was a lot for my father to take, so he didn’t. He took off. So that’s why I don’t know about him.” Dan takes a deep drink. “My mom got better, got remarried—but the new guy wasn’t crazy about the gay son, either, so… I left. I came back through town a while later, but they’d moved. I asked a neighbor about it, and she told me about my mom. I guess the cancer came back.”

The timer on the oven dings, and Dan scrambles to his feet, incredibly glad for the interruption. “Do you want to eat here or at the table?”

Jeff looks up at him. “I’m really pretty comfortable here.”

“Do you want ketchup with it?”

“God, no. Not with homemade, you animal!”

Dan holds up his hands to ward off the criticism and goes to the kitchen. He uses a dishtowel to take the casserole out of the oven, and then a large spoon to dish it up onto two plates. Even with generous portions, there’s still a lot left over.

Dan grabs forks, and then goes back over to Jeff. Jeff takes both plates while Dan sits down, and then they both balance their plates on their knees while they eat.

After the first bite, Jeff grins. “God bless Aunt Debbie—this is good.”

“God bless Chris, he’s the one who stole it for us.”

Jeff waits until he’s finished chewing his second mouthful. “He seems like a good guy. You going to miss him, if you go out to California?”

Dan shrugs, then grins. “Why, you gonna cook up some imaginary job for him too? Lure him out there?”

Jeff shakes his head. “Like I have money for that. Don’t get me confused with Evan, kid. Besides, if you think your job is imaginary, you’re gonna have a big surprise on your first day of work.” Jeff looks at Dan out of the corner of his eye. “You are gonna come out, right? You’re going to take the job?”

Dan shrugs. “I don’t know. I mean… I’m definitely getting the hell out of here. I’ve been in Kentucky for five years already, and that’s way too long.” He doesn’t say it, but he knows Jeff hears the silent, And there’s nothing keeping me here anymore. Out loud, he adds, “And the job sounds good, and you all seem real nice.”

“So, why wouldn’t you come?”

“I don’t know.” Dan is a bit frustrated that this is the best answer he can give. “I mean, like I said, it was nice, and everybody was nice, but it’s just—I don’t really know how I’d fit in there. You know? Like, am I the barn help? Then what am I doing eating at the main house? Am I a friend? Then why am I taking money?” Dan looks at Jeff quizzically. “You never felt like that at all?”

Jeff shrugs. “It was a bit different for me—I mean, I was a friend of the family first, and I was never an employee, exactly. I was more like a contractor—I gave Tat lessons, but that was about three hours a week. It wasn’t my full-time job. And I never lived on the property. But, yeah, I see what you mean.” He takes his last bite of macaroni. “Would it be easier if it was just a job? If you didn’t hang out with the family, just did the work and went home?”

Dan thinks about this. “Yeah, maybe. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be rude about it—I like them both. It’s not like I don’t want to be friendly. It’s just—weird.” Jeff nods, and Dan continues. “Even with you, does it never bother you? I mean, I’m sure you’re doing fine, but Evan’s richer than God. He could buy and sell you with his pocket change, right? Doesn’t that bug you?”

Jeff looks at his hands. “I’d like to say ‘no’. I’d like to say he can’t buy me, because I’m not for sale. And that’s true, but… yeah, it bothers me a bit. Money’s not a limitation for him at all. For me, it is. It’s hard to draw a line sometimes, to figure out what it’s okay for him to spend money on and what it’s not.” Jeff looks thoughtful, like he’s trying to decide how much of this he wants to share. “Honestly, it’s a pretty big reason why we keep things casual, at least from my perspective. I care about him, but I can’t let my life get totally wrapped up in his, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it.” Dan shifts a little, wanting to look at Jeff. It moves their shoulders apart, but brings their thighs together. Dan is temporarily distracted by the new sensation, the new heat, but then manages to ask, “And from his perspective? Why’s he okay with it being casual?”

Jeff grins. “From his perspective? Best of both worlds—he gets me for security and someone to come home to, and he still gets to chase shiny things when he sees them.” Jeff smiles wolfishly, reminding Dan that he was one of the “things” Evan had chased.

Dan feels his body respond a little to the look, and his voice is a bit lower when he asks, “And you? You don’t like shiny things?”

Jeff’s eyes are intense, and his voice has lowered as well. “I’m not blind, Dan. Of course I like shiny things. And I like them even more when I find out that they’re not just pretty on the outside.” Jeff stares at Dan for a minute, and then pulls his legs away and climbs to his feet. He takes their plates off the coffee table and carries them to the kitchen. As he moves, he says, “But I try to be a bit more responsible about it. I try to make sure I’m not taking advantage of someone at a bad time, and I try to make sure that relationships aren’t going to get more complicated than they need to be just because of me.”

Jeff comes back halfway, stands by the door. “And I try to protect myself a little. If there’s someone I think I might care about, I try to make sure he’s going to be able to care back before I dive into anything. I’m too old to think a broken heart is romantic.”

Dan hadn’t thought about Jeff’s perspective on all this before. Truthfully, he hadn’t given that much thought to his own perspective. He’d just been operating on an instinctive level, his body responding to the stimulus of Jeff’s presence. Jeff is watching him, seeming to understand that Dan is digesting his words.

“Yeah, I can see that. I guess… I guess it’s good that you’ve got your head on straight, that you’re… being responsible.” Dan knows he should leave it there, for so many reasons. But somehow, he just can’t help himself. “Still… sometimes, don’t you just want to forget it all, just do what feels good at the time?” Dan brings his eyes up, lets them blaze with all the heat he’s been feeling in Jeff’s presence.

Jeff’s body actually sways a little toward him in response, but his feet stay firmly on the floor and his hand continues to grip the door frame, albeit a little more tightly. “Damn it, kid. You’ve got no idea,” he growls, and then he’s out the door and into the night.

Chapter 15

DAN SLEEPS through most of the next morning, until Chris calls to arrange to pick him up for the visitation. Dan finds his only suit in the closet, and hopes that it’s appropriate. It’s dark gray, but should it be black? He doesn’t know, and really, he doesn’t care too much. Justin had been with him when he’d bought that suit, so that’s enough for him. He puts minimal effort into shining his shoes and finding an appropriate tie. He ends up wearing one of Justin’s. He guesses they’re his now.

He heads downstairs to wait for Chris, and Robyn comes out to keep him company. She says she’s going to finish up at the barn, then go home and get changed and go to the funeral home. He nods. It’ll be good to see someone he knows, but otherwise he doesn’t really see what Robyn is going to say to him or to Karl and Molly that she couldn’t say at the barn. This entire ritual is beyond his understanding.

Chris arrives, and Dan climbs into his truck, waving goodbye to Robyn. They drive to the funeral home in relative silence, and then Chris parks and walks in with Dan. Dan balks at the front door. Chris stands quietly until he collects himself, and then they go in together. They’re in a central hallway, with rooms to the left and to the right. There are some people Dan thinks he recognizes as Justin’s extended family in the room to the right, but Dan’s eye is drawn to the room on the left, where there is a display of flowers arranged around a coffin.

Somehow, this hadn’t occurred to Dan, and he’s not sure he can handle it. He looks at Chris. “Is that”—he nods toward the coffin—“is that Justin?”

Chris looks like he isn’t sure how to answer. “It’s his body.”

Dan nods. Maybe it’s easier to pretend that he and Justin had some sort of purely spiritual relationship, but truthfully, Dan loved Justin’s body along with the rest of him. He loved the broad shoulders, the strong hands, the muscular limbs, the tight ass, the enthusiastic cock…. Dan steps into a little alcove and grabs for his flask. He’d thought he would try this without alcohol, but that was just foolish. He needs something to numb him a little. Two big swigs, and even before the alcohol hits his bloodstream Dan is a little distracted, a little calmed. The burning in his throat spreads down to his stomach and then out to his arms. Chris stands and watches him quietly.

“Do you want to go see him?” Chris asks.

“I don’t know if I can,” Dan almost whispers. “I mean, I don’t know if I can do the rest of the visitation if I do.”

Chris nods a little. “So, fuck the rest of the visitation. Dan, what do you need to do? Do you need to say goodbye to him now? ’Cause if you do, that’s cool, we can keep the doors shut forever if that’s what you need.”

Dan turns to Chris, and he can hear the emptiness in his voice. “I can’t have what I need.”

Chris breaks, just a little, but then he pulls himself back together. Dan sees it, and he tries to emulate Chris’s strength. “Will he still be here after? Can I go and do the line, and then see him after, before he goes?”

Chris nods. “Yeah, you can do that.” He pulls his own flask out of his breast pocket and takes a drink. Dan wonders how anyone gets through one of these things sober.

“Okay, let’s do that,” Dan says, and he and Chris go into the room to the right. Karl and Molly are there, and they both break off their conversations when they see Dan come in. He’s tempted to leave again, but he presses on, walks toward them as they walk toward him. Molly gets to him first, and her eyes are dry. She takes his hand, and Dan focuses on resenting her, because if he lets himself care then he knows he’ll fall apart. He tries the same treatment with Karl, tries to feel contempt for the man as he grips Dan’s shoulders, but he can’t help remembering how Karl had been with Justin, how proud he’d been of his achievements, how much true joy he’d taken from seeing Justin happy. Dan knows that these are the people who loved Justin, and he knows that Justin loved them too. Dan has no words for them, but when they hug him he hugs them back, and hopes that they understand.

The funeral director comes out and arranges them in a line. There are indeed a lot of members of Justin’s extended family included. The line ends up wrapping around two full walls of the room. Dan knows that the only people in it who Justin saw more than a couple times a year are Molly, Karl, and himself. Molly is at the end of the line, gripping tight to Karl’s hand, and Dan is beside Karl. Chris comes up and says a few quiet words to each of them, and Dan marvels again at how good the man is at all this. He decides that if the law thing doesn’t work out, Chris has a bright future in the funeral trade.

Then the doors are open, and people start spilling in. Dan recognizes most of them, but a few he doesn’t, and he turns to Karl and Molly in panic. “I forgot—I don’t care what I call myself—what do you guys want me to say?”

They look at him blankly, and Dan smothers a giggle when he realizes that they think he’s just asked if they want him to use an alias. “I mean in terms of my relationship to Justin,” he clarifies.

“Oh.” Karl and Molly exchange a look. “Well, honestly… when we refer to you, we usually call you Justin’s friend.” Molly smiles. “I mean, everyone who knows Justin can figure out what that means, and if they don’t know Justin it isn’t really any of their business.”

Dan doesn’t really like it, but he doesn’t argue. He just needs to get through the day, and he had told them he didn’t care, after all. And he doesn’t have a lot of time—the visitors have worked through the extended family quickly and are almost to Dan.

He recognizes them, at least. They’re local eventers. Justin had competed against them when he was younger, and Dan still sees them when he takes horses to schooling shows. He holds out his hand, and Travis shakes it, but Natalie moves in for the hug, and Dan lets her. She’s crying a little when she pulls away, and Dan has to fight his own tears. He’s going to be a mess if this sets him off.

“We’re really going to miss him, Dan. I mean, we already were, but now….” Natalie trails off.

“And I know it’s not a fair trade, but at least people seem to be really looking at the safety issues now. We saw a demonstration on frangible jumps last week, and they looked really good.” Travis seems sincere, and Dan agrees that the new materials make sense.

And then they’re gone, moved on to Karl and Molly, and Dan faces the next person, an elderly woman he doesn’t recognize. He sees Chris hovering in the background in case Dan messes up. He extends his hand and remembers to be gentle when he shakes hers, and then says, “I’m Dan, Justin’s friend.” The “we used to fuck” line is on the tip of his tongue, but he fights it back.

“His friend?” She looks at his placement in the line, and then smirks. “Oh, is that what they’re calling it these days? Well, I’m sorry for your loss especially, then. Lord knows he was a fine-looking young man. So tall….”

The woman’s companion, equally old and delicate, has finished talking to Justin’s uncle, and now she joins the conversation. “Broad shoulders, and such a handsome face,” she says, and both women nod. Dan finds himself nodding along with them, but they look at him as if waiting for his contribution.

He’s tempted to let loose with a rhapsody to Justin’s dick, but he’s pretty sure that would bring Chris down on him, although he’s not sure the women themselves would object. He just says, “Yeah, I’m really going to miss him,” and the ladies move on.

The afternoon continues in a similar vein. Dan finds that he’s too busy trying to find small talk to really feel sad, and the few times people break down in front of him he’s working too hard trying to comfort them to join in. And Chris was right; it is sort of gratifying to see how many people were affected by Justin’s life.

He takes a few breaks, goes and has a drink or two with Chris in the back hallway, but overall the afternoon is more aggravating than painful. Still, he’s relieved to see the grandfather clock’s little hand approaching the eight.

He doesn’t realize how closely he’s been watching the door until he finally sees Jeff’s face appear, and he doesn’t realize how attached he’s gotten to the man until he feels the stab of disappointment when Jeff turns and smiles quietly at Evan as he and Tatiana follow Jeff in. Dan knows he’s been playing with fire, knows he’s not thinking as clearly as he should be due to the combination of grief and alcohol, but he had been looking forward to spending some more time alone with Jeff. Not thinking that anything would happen, necessarily, just basking in the glow of Jeff’s warmth, like a cat in front of a fire. But now Evan is here, and Dan has the uncharitable thought that he’s here more to emphasize his claim on Jeff than to offer condolences.

As soon as Evan is in front of him, Dan feels bad for being so petty. The guy is so genuine, so… Dan wants to call him wholesome, although that doesn’t seem quite right given Dan’s firsthand experience with his pick-up techniques. But even then, he’d seemed sincere, too intense, but not sleazy. And he’s the same way now. Just the fact that he’s here is too much. It’s insane that he flew half way across the country to pay his respects to a man he never met, all because of a man he’s only spent a handful of hours with. But Dan isn’t arrogant enough to think that he could be an actual threat to Jeff and Evan’s relationship, even if he wanted to be, so he knows Evan isn’t really here to lay claim. He’s here because he’s Evan. He’s over-sized in every way.

Evan seems to be trying to hold back from hugging Dan, but it’s so clearly what he wants to do that Dan just gives up and leans in for it. He’s been hugged tonight by people he’s never even met, so Evan makes sense by comparison. Evan pulls back and looks him in the eye, saying, “Really, so sorry for your loss, Dan. I never got to meet him, but Tat’s such a fan that I feel like I did. I wish I had.”

Dan nods. He’s got his own set of wishes about Justin, and they’re no more likely to come true than Evan’s is. “Thanks for coming, man. It’s a long trip.”

Evan shrugs. “Well, maybe we’ll visit the horses while we’re here. Apparently Tat’s developing a bit of an interest in Sunshine.” Evan smiles and moves over to speak to Karl and Molly, but he keeps a watchful eye on Tatiana as she approaches Dan.

“I hope it’s okay that we came. I realized… I realized that I never told you how I got interested in eventing. It was….” Tatiana seems nervous, looks to Evan, who smiles back gently until she continues. “It was Rolex two years ago. I was watching on TV, and”—she shrugs self-consciously—“well, obviously Justin caught my eye because he was so good-looking, but what made me want to try the sport was how happy he looked. Not just when he won, but all through. It looked like he really loved every minute of it. Even when they went through that gully, and his face got all splashed with mud, he was smiling the whole time.” She stops, and looks as though she’s torn between the embarrassment of having spoken and the remembered joy of the moment. “He just looked like he was doing exactly what he was meant to do.”

Dan can’t believe it. He’s made it through almost four hours of this shit with his dignity intact, and now some fifteen-year-old is going to break him down? Dan takes a deep, shaky breath. His eyes are filled, but they haven’t spilled over yet, if she just moves on he might be okay.

She’s on her way, her feet are moving, and then she looks back and says softly, “You were so lucky to have known him,” and Dan is done. He’s just crying now but he can feel the sobs building and knows he needs to get out of there. Karl is looking concerned and is guiding Tatiana away, and Dan heads out. There’s hardly anyone left in line but he doesn’t care anyway. He gropes his way to the back hallway but that’s not far enough away, so he keeps going, finds the back door and pushes through it. Once he’s outside he turns and slams his body into the side of the building, raises one hand over his head and punches the brick wall, sobs wracking his body. Justin is gone. Dan was lucky to have known him, lucky to have loved him, incredibly lucky to have been loved back, and now it’s all over, and Dan is alone, and he doesn’t know if he can stand it.

He’s crying so hard his whole chest hurts, and he wants to stop but he can’t. Justin is gone; his smile is gone; his laugh is gone; his stupid little smirk that made Dan so mad is gone. He hits the wall again, and he can hear himself making a strange sound, a sort of whining growl. Justin’s never going to kiss him again, never going to get that mischievous look as he runs his hands down Dan’s stomach, never going to touch Dan again, and he really doesn’t know how he’s supposed to accept that. Dan’s sobs are almost gasps for air, and he feels his knees giving out, and he just doesn’t care, letting himself slide sideways down the wall. He doesn’t get that far, though, before he feels strong hands catching his arms, gently lifting him up. Dan almost fights them, wants to hit the ground and wallow there and wait until his heart finally explodes and kills him so he can be with Justin, but he’s too tired to fight. He just slumps, instead, and the pain is still there and the sobs are still coming, but Dan can feel warm bodies on both sides of him, can feel his arms being propped across their shoulders as he is walked over to a windowsill and sat down on it, the bodies quickly turning and sitting on either side of him, propping him up.

Dan doubles over and braces his elbows on his knees, his forehead against his arms, and he keeps crying. There is a soothing hand rubbing his back, and then he hears a crunch of feet and something cool and damp is draped over his neck. A couple of times he thinks maybe he’s done and takes a deep breath, but then the sobs build again, and he’s back at it.

Finally, it’s over. He feels exhausted, but his control is back. Something is pressed into his hand, and he hears Jeff’s voice saying, “Okay, kid, take a drink now.” He’s still bent over, but he sits up a little and obediently lifts the bottle to his lips. He chokes when the cool liquid runs over his tongue.

Chris is there, too, and he laughs a little. “He was expecting bourbon.”

Jeff’s hand stops rubbing his back and starts patting a little. “Let’s take a little break from that, kid. You can only put things off for so long.” He guides Dan’s hand so the bottle comes to his mouth again, and Dan obediently takes another sip. Now that he knows what’s coming, the water is welcome. He reaches one hand up and finds the handkerchief that someone had soaked and put on his neck, and he pulls it around to wash over his face. The cloth isn’t cool anymore, but it’s still better than nothing. When he’s done he just holds it in his hand, but Jeff gently takes it and the bottle from him, pours some more water on and wrings it out, then gives it back to him. This time it is cool on his face, and he almost starts crying again in gratitude.

The three of them sit there like that for a while, and then Dan feels a little better and sits up straight, but Jeff keeps his arm around Dan’s shoulders, and Chris is still a solid presence on the other side. After another little while, Dan recovers enough to be embarrassed.

“Shit, guys, I’m sorry—” he starts, but he doesn’t get any further.

“Shut up, Danny.”

“No, but….”

“Danny, I’m serious, I don’t want to hear it.” Chris’s voice is firm, but he’s got tears in his eyes. “Justin was my best friend, and you and him were great together. You melting down a little? That’s the absolute least that his memory deserves.”

Dan hadn’t really thought of things from that perspective. But then he still shouldn’t have dragged Jeff into it. He turns to Jeff’s side, opens his mouth to apologize, and Jeff hold up a hand to cut him off. “I consider the mac and cheese to be adequate payment for my part here.” He smiles and runs his hand along Dan’s shoulder to grip his neck, and shakes him a little.

Dan manages a smile and a nod. His composure has returned just in time, apparently, because the funeral director pokes his head out the back door and looks like he has something to say. Chris goes and talks to him quietly, and then comes back to crouch down next to Dan.

“Danny, they want to close up for the night and put the coffin away. If you want to see him, now would be a good time.” Dan looks up at him shakily, and Chris says, “But it doesn’t have to be now. They’ve got a schedule, but we can change things however we need to, if you aren’t up for it yet.”

Dan considers it. He’s tired, but he also feels cleansed somehow, as if the crying had washed away some of the crap that was getting in the way of his feelings. It actually seems like a pretty good time to say goodbye. He stands up and tries to straighten his suit. “No, I’m good. I should do it now.”

Chris and Jeff both look a bit doubtful, but Dan heads for the door, and they follow. He works his way through the back hall and pauses outside the room where Justin is. Jeff and Chris come up behind him, and the funeral director approaches. “Mr. and Mrs. Archer have already gone home for the evening, so please take your time.”

Dan nods, and then steps into the room. He hears the soft sound of the doors sliding closed behind him.

He looks around. This is the room they displayed most of the memorabilia in. There are photos of Justin at all different ages on a variety of horses, and Dan traces his fingers over the image of Justin and Willow working in the dressage ring at the barn. Tatiana was right; even just during a regular work out, Justin looked happy. He looked like he was doing what he was meant to do. Dan looks at some of the other photos, and is surprised by how many of them he sees himself in. There’s one he’s never seen before, although he remembers the day. They’d been at a friend’s summer cottage with the Fosters. Chris had gone back into town for work, but Dan and Justin had stayed behind and had been swimming and boating all day. The picture was taken just as the sun was going down, with Dan sitting on the ground by the lake, half-reclined against a huge driftwood log, and Justin leaning back against his chest, Dan’s hand playing with Justin’s hair, his other hand laced with Justin’s. They’re both facing the sunset, and their faces glow with reflected light. Justin is looking out at the lake, but Dan is looking down at Justin, and the love in his eyes is clear. Dan wonders who took the photo, and why whoever it was had never given him a copy. He also wonders why Justin’s parents would have Dan call himself Justin’s friend at the same time that they’re displaying a photograph that shows so clearly how much more he was.

But all of this is just a distraction from the main event. Dan’s eyes are drawn to the coffin in the corner. He knows he needs to do it soon. His crying fit might have cleaned him out temporarily, but he can feel it all building up again, and he wants to be as pure as he can be for Justin. He takes a deep breath and crosses the room.

He feels the breath go out of him a little when he looks into the casket. Justin looks more alive now than he has for the past year, and it’s enough that Dan has to quickly quell the tiny, irrational hope that somehow his miracle has occurred. Once Dan looks a little closer, it’s clear that the makeup hasn’t been enough to give more than a thin illusion of life. Justin is gone. Dan thinks about touching him, but decides not to. He touched Justin all the time in the hospital, always hoping for some reaction, never getting one. At least there, Justin’s skin had been warm. Dan doesn’t want his last contact with this vibrant, hot-blooded man to be the chill of a funeral parlor and the waxy feel of mortuary cosmetics. Dan takes one last look at Justin’s body, and steps away. He doesn’t need to say goodbye to that; it’s not Justin.

He doesn’t leave, though. Instead he walks back to the photograph from the lake, and reaches out to touch it instead. He doesn’t have any words, but he feels all the love in his heart and tries to pour it out through his fingertips, send it along through the photograph to wherever Justin is now. He’s crying again, but he knows it’s okay, knows that he’s not going to lose control. He smiles a little, too, thinking of that day and of all the other beautiful days they’d shared. There should have been more, but he’s glad he had as many as he did, and he knows he’s found an answer to the question he’d had at Monty’s stall the other night. Yes, it’s worth it. The pain of sorrow is terrible and hard to bear, but the joy of love makes it worthwhile. Dan will never be sorry for having known and loved Justin, even though that love was taken from him far too soon.

He wipes his tears away and takes a moment to collect himself. Then he picks up the photograph in its cheap wooden frame. He walks over to the doors and slides one open, stepping outside where he’s not surprised to find Chris and Jeff hovering. They’re watching him closely, and Dan manages a smile.

Jeff walks up beside him. “You all right, kid?”

Dan turns to him and smiles a little. “You need to find another nickname.” Jeff gives him a blank look, and Dan smiles a little more. “Evan is ‘kid’. You can find something else for me, and you can call me Dan until you do.” Then he turns to Chris. “I don’t know whose this is”—he holds the photograph up—“but I’m taking it.” Chris just nods with a half smile. Dan looks through the glass front doors. “It’s almost a full moon, lots of light—you guys feel like going for a ride?”

Jeff looks at him from under raised eyebrows. “You’re sure you’re all right?”

Dan’s smile is a little fragile, but it holds. “Nope, I’m pretty fucked up. But I don’t think going for a ride is going to make it worse.” He turns and looks at Chris. “You in?” Chris nods wordlessly, looking amused, and Dan’s eyes shift back to Jeff. “If you’re feeling your age and need to get a good-night’s sleep, we understand. Really. I’m sure Chris and I will be like that in another ten or fifteen years. It’s fine.”

Jeff’s grin is growing. “You give me that speech, and I can’t call you ‘kid’?” He shakes his head. “All right, Dan, let’s go. Let’s ride.”

They head out into the parking lot, and Jeff grabs his overnight bag from his rental car before all three pile into Chris’s truck. The moon is bright and the air is warm, and they drive with the windows down. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and that’s all Dan needs for now.

Chapter 16

JEFF LOOKS a little surprised when Chris doesn’t turn the truck off at the farm. Dan hops out and then turns to Jeff. “I’m just going in to change—do you want to get changed here?” Jeff looks back at Dan blankly. “Oh, Chris is going over to his parents’ place to get the horses.” Dan grins. “You were gonna let us risk the eventers? Nah, the Fosters keep Quarter Horses—way better for this sort of thing.”

Jeff nods, looking a little relieved to hear that Evan’s horses aren’t going to be used. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. I’ve got jeans in my bag….”

Dan’s already half way to the barn door. “Yup, that’s good.”

Chris pulls out, then stops and calls back—“Jeff, you do want a saddle?”

Jeff looks a little unsure. Dan grins, and softly says, “It’s okay, Jeff, as you get older your legs just lose a bit of their strength, and your balance—”

“Whatever you guys are doing is fine!” Jeff calls over Dan’s needling. Chris waves an acknowledgment and pulls away.

“What is this, then, punishment for the ‘kid’ thing?” Jeff asks. He’s trying to sound crabby, but mostly he seems relieved that Dan is up to joking.

Dan pulls the door to the stairs open and heads up, unlocks the apartment and heads inside. He finds his flask as he shrugs out of his suit jacket, and considers it briefly before setting it down. He expects he’ll come back to it later, but he just doesn’t need it right now. He finds the original bottle and waves it questioningly at Jeff, but he shakes his head. Dan feels a bit awkward. He’s not normally too concerned about nudity taboos, but after the scene last night, he supposes he should make it clear that he’s not planning a seduction. He loiters around a bit, feeling like an idiot. “I’m just heading in there,” he indicates the bedroom, “you can change out here or in the bathroom, or you can wait ’til I’m done. Chris’s quick, but he’ll have to get changed and get the horses and ride them over, so there’s no real rush.”

Jeff nods and starts rummaging through his bag as Dan leaves the room. Dan strips out of his suit pants and hangs them with the jacket on the door. Once he’s changed, he’ll put them in the bathroom. Hopefully the steam from the shower will take out the worst of the wrinkles, because he’s got to wear it again for the funeral. He’s got an extra dress shirt, though, so he throws the one he was wearing in the laundry hamper and pulls on jeans and a T-shirt, then a hoodie. Then he feels a bit awkward again. Is Jeff changing in the living room? Will it be weird if Dan walks out and finds him half-dressed? He paces around a little, feeling oddly like a prisoner in his own bedroom. Then he hears the TV turn on and takes it as a signal. Surely nobody goes to a guy’s house and gets half-undressed and then starts watching TV before getting dressed again. Or at least surely Jeff doesn’t do that. Still, Dan is careful to make a little noise as he opens his door, and he walks straight to the bathroom with his suit without looking into the main room.

When he comes back out, Jeff is talking quietly into his phone, fully dressed in jeans and his dress shirt, untucked. Checking in with Evan, Dan is sure. He knows he has no right to feel jealous, but he lets himself go with it a little anyway. He doesn’t want to wreck his fragile good mood, though, so he tries to catch it before it goes too far. He reminds himself of how generous and kind Evan is. When that doesn’t work, he reminds himself that for tonight at least, Dan has Jeff and all Evan has is a phone call. That does the trick, and he sits down on the couch with a much sunnier frame of mind.

Jeff clicks his phone shut and sits down at the other end of the couch. “Evan’s jealous,” Jeff says, and it mirrors Dan’s thoughts so perfectly that he swivels his head to stare at Jeff. “He says we need to get some Quarter Horses for California so he can screw around at night too.”

Dan doesn’t make the catty comment, doesn’t say that Evan seems to manage to screw around at night just fine without horses, but he smirks a little, and Jeff sees him. Jeff smirks a little, too, but he says, “Careful, now, boy.”

Dan looks Jeff up and down. “‘Boy’? Is that what you’ve come up with? I’m really not sure you can carry that off.”

Jeff laughs out loud. “No, I’m not sure, either, but I thought I’d give it a try.” They’re both smiling at each other, and it feels so good, so natural, and all Dan wants to do is crawl down to the other end of the couch and bend Jeff’s head back and kiss him, line up their bodies and grind in, make him groan…. Jeff feels it, too, Dan can tell, and the air in the room is crackling. They both gradually lose their smiles but keep staring until the only decision left to be made is who’s going to break first, who’s going to make the first move, and Dan’s pretty sure it’s going to be him because he doesn’t think he can stand it for another second. They both jump when Chris’s voice calls up from the bottom of the stairs.

“Guys, you ready? The cavalry is here!”

Jeff’s eyes widen a little, and he’s up off the couch in a flash. He calls, “We’ll be right down,” and the words are fine but his voice is a little high and strained. He shakes his head. “Jesus, Dan, do you bathe in fucking pheromones or something?”

Dan stands up, too, just as freaked out. He’s not going to do this, not going to commemorate Justin’s life by fucking some other guy. “Trust me, man, it’s not just you.” He looks around a little wildly, and then snaps back to the present. “Okay, horses and Chris, downstairs.”

Jeff nods, and on his way out the door he grabs his overnight bag, leaving it at the bottom of the stairs. It feels like Jeff is making sure he can escape from Dan’s lair, and Dan almost laughs. Then he remembers how close he’d just come to making a huge mistake and decides that caution is probably not a bad idea.

They go outside and Chris is still on horseback, holding the reins of one other horse and a lead rope attached to the halter of the third. He shrugs a bridle off his shoulder and passes it to Dan, who takes it over to the unbridled horse. Chris hands the reins of the other horse to Jeff. “That’s Ranger. He’s a good old guy, nothing too fancy—he’ll be an angel as long as you don’t try to take him away from the other horses.” Jeff nods and looks like he’s trying to remember how to get on a horse bareback.

Dan has already slipped the bridle onto Smokey, and he looks over at Jeff. He hands Smokey’s reins up to Chris and walks over next to Ranger, cups his hands to give Jeff a leg up. Jeff hesitates, but then rests his knee in Dan’s hands as Dan gives the traditional one, two, three bounces, and then Jeff is up and finding his balance. He grins a little. “Damn, it’s been a long time since I rode bareback.” Chris raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment, and Dan just shakes his head.

Dan heads over to his own horse and hauls himself onto his back. Dan’s been riding Smokey since he came to Kentucky, and he’s got the scrubby little trail horse as finely tuned as any of the well-bred eventers. He may not have the same natural ability, but he’s got a damn fine attitude, and Dan’s really enjoyed working with him. He’s going to be sorry to leave him behind.

They head out of the yard toward the back of the farm. The moon is still bright, but the riders give their horses lots of rein anyway, trusting the horses’ night vision more than their own. They just walk for a while, but the horses are feeling good and want to run, and none of the humans seem to object. They come out into an open field with a wide band mowed along the side, and they all move to canter almost side by side.

Dan loves riding at night. He wishes it was a bit darker, but he just closes his eyes and gets the same effect. Without vision to get in the way, and with his sense of hearing compromised by the wind whistling by, he relies almost entirely on feeling the horse, sensing Smokey’s movements before he even makes them. He also has the opportunity to focus on his own body, finding his perfect balance and degree of contact with the horse. Justin used to say that Dan was a good lover because he was so used to being in tune with another body. It sounded uncomfortably bestial to Dan, but Justin seemed to think it made sense, and Dan didn’t really worry about it.

Dan feels Smokey’s weight shift a little before they actually start slowing down, and he reluctantly opens his eyes. They’re at the bottom of the big hill, and Chris is looking over at him questioningly. Dan understands the look. The top of this hill was a favorite spot of the three of them, and it might be a bit weird to take someone else up. But it doesn’t feel weird, really. Dan thinks that he might avoid the spot if it was just him and Chris, because Justin’s absence would be so obvious, and he might avoid it if the third was someone else, but with Jeff it feels okay. Jeff takes away the emptiness without trying to take Justin’s place, and Dan’s fine with it. He shrugs, sending the question back to Chris, and Chris answers by steering his horse up the path.

It’s single file most of the way, with the horses picking their way over roots and rocks and twists in the path, but it opens up near the top, as the trees fade away and the hill opens into a broad crown, sloping gradually up to a peak at the far end. Dan and Chris put their horses into a gallop as soon as they’re out of the undergrowth, and they don’t pull up until they’re at the very top. Jeff joins them a little late, having understandably been a bit more cautious on the unfamiliar ground.

They’re up high, and they can see the lights of Louisville sparkling. If they turn away from the city’s glow, they can see the stars and the moonlight shining down on miles of farmland and forest. Dan sighs. It’s not just Smokey that he’s going to miss. He thought that all of his ties to Kentucky were to Justin, but it turns out that he’s a bit more widely invested than he’d thought.

Jeff speaks quietly. “It’s beautiful up here. This is still the Archer property?”

Dan nods and points to the trees on the far side of the hill. “The property line is in there somewhere.”

Jeff nods. “So what are they going to do with this when the subdivision gets built? I mean, they aren’t going to build on a hill this steep, right?”

Chris shakes his head. “Nah, they’re in talks with the city. It’s probably going to get made into a municipal park.”

Dan hadn’t known that, but he’s glad to hear it. It’s nice to think that a little bit of Justin’s land won’t be lost. Nice to think of future generations of brown-eyed boys scrambling up the hill, laughing with their friends, and then maybe growing up a little and coming up here and making love under the stars. And… he’s crying again. He swears softly and reaches up to scrub at his eyes with his sleeve.

Chris shakes his head. “Jesus, Dan, are you drinking lots of water? ’Cause I’d be worried about dehydration if I was you.”

That makes Dan laugh, and he stops crying about the same time he tells Chris to go fuck himself.

They stay up on the hill a little longer, enjoying the view and each other’s company. Just as Dan had thought, Jeff isn’t intrusive; he’s just a comforting presence. They head back down when the horses start getting restless, and the ride back to the barn is even quieter than the ride out, but it just feels peaceful, not sad. They pull up in the yard at Dan’s, and Jeff looks over at Chris.

“Are you driving back into town tonight?” Chris nods, and Jeff continues. “Do you think I could catch a lift in with you?” Chris nods again, but he cuts his eyes over to Dan.

“You gonna be okay on your own tonight, Danielle? I can stay if you want, and Jeff can take the truck.”

“Okay, I’m not actually a little girl. I’ll be fine.” He swings off Smokey and gives the horse a grateful pat before he slips the bridle off and puts the halter and lead rope back on. He hands the bridle and the end of the lead rope to Chris and then goes inside and grabs Jeff’s bag. He walks over to Ranger on the far side, the side Chris can’t see, and as he hands the bag up he grips Jeff’s calf. It’s not sexual, but it’s a message, and Dan hopes Jeff understands it. “I really need to thank you, Jeff. I mean… for a lot of stuff. I’ve been a bit of a mess, and you’ve been putting up with way more than you should have had to.” He releases his grip and shrugs, feeling a little foolish. “I just… wanted you to know that I appreciate it.”

Jeff smiles and nudges Dan in the chest with his knee. “It’s no problem, k—” He catches himself. “—Dan.”

Dan smiles. “Gave up on ‘boy’, then, did you?”

Jeff shakes his head ruefully. “It seemed a little dangerous.” Their eyes meet, and suddenly it’s all back again, as strong as it was on the couch earlier, both of their eyes flaring wide in recognition and apprehension. Dan knows that if Chris wasn’t there he and Jeff would be going upstairs together, groping and undressing each other in the stairwell, probably not even making it all the way to the bedroom…. But Chris is there, and Jeff’s horse shifts a little in response to the tension in the air and in Jeff’s body, and they both manage to snap out of it. “Shit,” Jeff breathes, and Dan backs away.

Chris gives him a look like he knows something happened but didn’t quite follow what it was, and then he’s riding off with Jeff, and Dan is alone and reeling.

He heads up the stairs, peels his clothes off, and climbs into the shower. He needs to get cleaned up, likes to shower before bed, but he’s not fooling himself. He was hard before he undressed, and it’s only a minute or two of work before he’s groaning and spurting his release into the warm water. He leans his head against the cold tiles and tries not to think about the face that he’d seen as he came. He resolves that he’s not going to feel guilty about it. It was so much better than the trouble he’d almost gotten himself into that night.

He climbs out of the shower and pulls on a pair of sweatpants before collapsing on his bed. It’s been a long day, and when he wakes up he’ll be facing Justin’s funeral. He reaches his hand over and feels the other pillow, thinks of the way Justin would always sleep on his side facing Dan, how Dan would wake up and know that Justin was watching him, just willing him to wake up so they could make love, or even just so they could talk. Dan remembers being a little crabby about it, remembers propping an extra pillow up on end between them so he wouldn’t be able to feel Justin’s eyes trying to wake him. Tonight is different, though, and Dan calls up his memories of Justin lying there and staring at him, recalls the love that was in his gaze, and he uses the power of that remembered look to soothe himself down into a deep sleep.

DAN WAKES to the buzz of his alarm. He’d told Robyn that he would take the morning feeding and clean the stalls. She’s been working overtime to cover for Dan and the Archers, and she deserves a break. He stumbles out to the kitchen, puts the coffee on, and then stares at the wall while it brews. His eyes eventually move to the couch, and he thinks of Jeff the night before, the pull between them… and then he jerks his mind back abruptly. He is not going to start the day of Justin’s funeral thinking about another man. He goes into the bedroom and trades his sweatpants for the jeans he’d worn the night before, then finds a not-too-dirty sweatshirt and some clean socks. The phone rings as he’s heading back to the kitchen, and he picks it up without checking the caller ID. “Hello.”

“Dan? Hey, it’s Robyn. I just wanted to check that you’re okay to do the horses.”

“Yeah, I said I would. God, I’m not that much of a flake. Go back to sleep.”

“You’re sure, Danny? Seriously, it’s not a big deal.”

Dan puts the phone next to the coffee pot, waits for it to gurgle, then brings the phone back to his ear. “Hear that? The coffee is almost done. Hear this?” He grabs one of his boots and clomps it on the floor. “Boots going on. And the next sound you hear will be the dial tone, ’cause I’m hanging up. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Dan hangs up the phone, pulls his boots on and pours the coffee into a travel mug. As soon as his hand touches the barn door the horses start rumbling, weaving back and forth in their stalls and tossing their heads. “You guys are such fakers.” Dan tells the barn in general. “Acting like you’re starving to death.” He wheels the hay cart out and starts at the far end, tossing a few flakes into each stall, offering each horse some friendly words. After the hay, comes the sweet feed, the stuff the horses are really after. The walls of the stalls flip up in little portals right above the food buckets, so Dan is able to give each horse its proper amount without going into the stalls, and it doesn’t take long to zip down the aisle.

Once the horses are fed, the excited rumblings are replaced by peaceful chomping sounds. The half-hour or so that it takes them to finish their breakfast is usually downtime for the person looking after them. Supplies can be checked and replenished. The day’s riding can be planned, but there’s nothing directly horse-related to be done. When Dan and Justin were on morning-feed duty, this became their time to make out. Not trying to get anywhere, no big sex scene in mind, just standing up against the wall, leaning into each other, relearning the feel of the other’s body, the taste of each other’s mouths. They’d take breaks to talk and laugh, and Dan used to like to nuzzle in to the crook of Justin’s neck and just breathe him in, the faint scent of his skin somehow more powerful than the stronger smells of the barn. Sometimes they’d get carried away and things would escalate, change from peaceful and quiet to intense and heated, but mostly they’d just have one last kiss and then separate, getting back to the ordinary world that existed around their little bubble.

Dan isn’t sure what he’s doing, doesn’t know if it’s self-indulgent to let himself get sad again. He knows he could put it out of his mind if he really had to. If he wasn’t alone, he wouldn’t do this. But somehow thinking about it all, sad as it makes him, almost feels good, like pressing a bruise or wiggling a loose tooth. He leans up against the wall, arches his head back into it, and thinks of Justin’s face, so close he’s blurred, nuzzling and touching, hands roaming everywhere, knowing that Dan’s body was his, and that his body was Dan’s. They’d almost seemed to melt together sometimes, so tangled up that they couldn’t be sure where one began and the other ended.

Dan’s crying again, and he thinks of Chris’s warning about dehydration and smiles a little. He runs a hand across his neck and down over his chest, slow and sure, just the way Justin would have, but it’s not the same. Of course it’s not the same, and it’s never going to be the same again. He knows he’s still good-looking, and recent events with Jeff have made it all too clear that he’s still capable of wanting someone, but he’s not stupid enough to confuse love and lust. He’d truly loved Justin, and he knows that people are lucky to find that kind of thing once in a lifetime. He really doesn’t think he’s special enough to be the one to find it twice.

A horse down the aisle kicks his stall door impatiently, and Dan glances at his watch in surprise and then smiles. That’s how things usually ended with Justin, too, with one of them unable to ignore the horses any longer. “Back to work, baby,” Dan murmurs, and then he pushes off the wall and gets on with his day.

Chapter 17

DAN HAS to hurry to finish the barn work and get himself showered and dressed in time for Chris to pick him up. He’d planned it that way, hoping that the tight schedule would keep him from having time to think about what was about to happen.

His suit isn’t exactly crisp after his abuse of it the day before, but the steam from the shower has made it wearable, and Dan isn’t too worried. Justin had liked him a little rumpled. He fills his flask and puts it in his suit pocket, then pulls it out and takes a healthy swig, then another. He refills it and puts it back in his pocket and is just heading down the stairs when Chris pulls up.

Chris’s eyes are a little red, and Dan is disgusted with himself. He’s been so busy with his own grief that he really hasn’t been the friend Chris deserves. Justin was part of Chris’s life for a long time before Dan had shown up, and Dan’s been acting like he’s the only person who’s lost someone. He’s not really sure how to make it better.

“Hey, Chris, how’re you doing?” It sounds fake to Dan, and from the look of things, it doesn’t sound any better to Chris.

“What?” Chris makes an impatient face, and Dan recognizes the irritability defense. He’s been using it a fair bit himself.

“I just meant, you know… you’ve been really great for all of my shit, and, you know, if you need to… I don’t know—” Dan breaks off, then tries again. “You must be feeling terrible, too… obviously.” This is getting ugly, and Chris is just staring at him. “I suck at this.”

Chris nods. “You really do.” He puts the truck in gear and they pull out.

They’re on the highway heading for town when before Chris talks again. “How’s Jeff?”

Dan frowns. “I dunno. Last I saw of him he was riding Ranger back to your place.”

“You haven’t heard from him today? I thought you guys were in pretty close contact.”

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who’s calling him up to tell him about macaroni and cheese.” Dan knows what Chris is getting at, but he’s not sure he wants to acknowledge it.

“Yeah, okay.” Chris is good at making his opinion clear without using a lot of words. Dan’s never seen him in a courtroom, but he bets he’s pretty impressive.

“Chris….”

“He seems like a good guy, Danny. That’s all I’m saying.”

Dan can’t really argue with that. “Well, yeah.”

They’re pulling off the highway and heading into town now, and Dan is starting to feel a bit shaky. He pulls out his flask for a quick swallow.

Chris glances over. “You’d better not finish that before I get parked.”

Dan sloshes it, letting Chris hear how full it still is. Chris is apparently satisfied, and they finish the drive to the church without further conversation. They park, have a drink, and head in. The guy who’d handled them at the funeral home is somehow involved in this stage of the proceedings, too, and he’d asked them to arrive about a half-hour before the service. Chris and Dan had decided on their own to shorten that to fifteen minutes. There was only so much standing around and thinking about things that either one of them wanted to do.

They’re greeted at the front door by the anxious funeral director. He’s doing a good job trying to remain pleasant, but Dan can tell he’s upset as he charges ahead of them and leads them to a room in the back of the church. Dan glances at Chris, who shrugs back, and whispers, “It’s not like Justin’s got something else scheduled.”

Dan rolls his eyes, and it probably isn’t good that they’re both snickering a little when they’re escorted into the room where Justin’s parents are sitting with the pastor, surrounded by all the aunts and uncles. Molly gives them a stern look, but Karl smiles as he stands to introduce them to the pastor.

“Paul, this is Chris, and Dan. They’re Justin’s friends.” Karl seems to realize that the terminology isn’t quite adequate to the situation, but for once, Dan kind of likes it. It might be ambiguous, but it eliminates the strange hierarchy of grief that he’d been thinking about, makes it clear that Chris has just as much reason to be sad as he does. Dan may never have another lover like Justin, but Chris will probably never have another friend like him, either.

The pastor nods in a friendly way and then touches Dan’s arm. “I couldn’t make it to the visitation last night, but I was there in the afternoon, and I saw some of the photographs. You were obviously a very loving couple.” Then he turns to Chris. “And I saw a few of you, too, I think… were you the little hellion in the soccer uniform, with the eggs?”

Chris grins. “Justin started that….”

The pastor nods in exaggerated understanding. “Oh, I’m sure he did.” Then he smiles a little and gets down to business. He goes over the order of service and what will be expected at various times, and Dan nods when it seems expected, even though he isn’t really listening.

He knows Justin grew up coming to this church, at least occasionally, but he hadn’t ever been since Dan knew him. And Dan had never really gone to any church at all. It seems like a strange blend, all these practical considerations of who sits where and when, combined with the casual talk of God’s love and life everlasting. Dan wonders if God really cares who sits in the first, second, and third rows. He’s pretty damn sure Justin doesn’t.

He’s a bit relieved to hear that there won’t be pallbearers, since there are too many stairs in the church. But the rest of it just sort of drones through him, and he doesn’t even try to pay attention. If he needs to do something, he’s sure he’ll be reminded.

Finally, the pastor is done, and the funeral director starts arranging people. He places Dan in line and reaches out to straighten his tie, and Dan just stares at him. He wonders if the guy has a weird perspective on humanity, if he’s gotten so used to seeing everyone at their worst that he just thinks that people are permanently weepy and dazed. The order of the lineup is about the same as at the visitation, except that Chris is next to Dan, which makes things infinitely better.

Dan can hear music being played somewhere, slow, dragging organ music that has nothing to do with Justin. The pastor stands by the door as the funeral director herds them all out, and his face is kind. He looks like somebody that Dan could talk to, if he had anything to say.

They file into the sanctuary and everyone turns to stare at them. Karl is right in front of Dan, and he’s pretty big, so Dan tries to walk really close to him and scrunch down a little. They get to their seats, and Dan is glad to be in the front row if only because then nobody can see his face.

The casket is there, but Dan doesn’t feel any more attachment to it or its contents than he had the night before. If Dan wants a physical memento of Justin’s life, he knows he’ll be more likely to find it at the barn somewhere. He thinks of the jumps he and Justin had built, the fences they’d repaired, the roof they’d put on the Archer house three summers ago. But all of those things are going to be torn down soon, lost to the developers’ bulldozers.

Then Dan thinks of the horses. He thinks of all the hours he and Justin spent with each one, building their muscles with exercise, developing new neural pathways with training, making them into the highly developed athletes they’ve become. The horses wouldn’t be what they are without Justin’s sweat and skill and love, and that makes them more a part of Justin than the empty body lying at the front of the church.

And the horses are being sold, just like the farm itself, but they’re being sold together, and they’re going to a good home. Robyn’s going with them, and Dan knows that she’ll make sure they’re taken care of, but he’s not sure that’s enough. He and Justin worked together on those horses. They built them from raw materials. The horses are theirs, his and Justin’s, and they’re Justin’s living memorial.

Everyone around him has their heads bowed, and Dan realizes that they’ve been asked to pray, but he keeps looking straight ahead, staring at the casket. He’s never been religious. He’s not going to start now, just because it would be comforting. He thinks about the horses, and he smiles a little.

Then the prayer is over, and Chris is standing up and moving to the front of the sanctuary. He takes a minute to collect himself, and then he looks out over the assembly and starts talking. His voice is relaxed and doesn’t seem loud, but Dan can feel the words in his bones.

“I was honored when Karl and Molly asked me to speak about Justin, but I was also a bit intimidated. I know how important Justin is to me, but I also know how much he means to so many other people, and I don’t know that there are enough words in the world for all that love. But I’ll do the best I can, and then at the end there’s gonna be some time for you all to come up here and try to fill in the gaps.

“I’ve never been as involved with horses as Justin was, but I spent enough time around him and his that I learned a lot. And one thing I learned from listening to them is how important it is for a horse to have heart. I’ve seen Justin and Dan ripping their hair out over a horse that has everything going for him but just doesn’t seem to care enough to be the best, and I’ve seen them both light up when they’re riding a horse that doesn’t have all the natural gifts of the other, but that has heart enough to try, no matter what.

“And then sometimes, so rarely, they’d come across a horse that had both, a horse that had all the gifts, but also had the heart to make it all work. And I think Justin was the human equivalent of that horse. He was good-looking, smart, athletic… but he also had a huge heart. He lived with intensity and passion, and he got everyone around him caught up his enthusiasm. But he wasn’t flaky about it. He wasn’t just charisma with no substance. He’d put the work in too. He’d have the big ideas, and then he’d work his ass off to make them into reality. Karl and Molly know about this. They know how driven he was to be the best.” Chris pauses and smiles down at Justin’s parents, and they nod back up at him before he continues. “People talk about law being a demanding profession, but I know I’d call Justin in the morning when I got to the office, and he’d already have been working for a couple hours, and I’d drop by the barn after work, and he’d still be going strong. He knew what he wanted. He knew how to get there, and he wasn’t going to let anything get in the way.”

Chris takes a little break, has a sip of water from the glass the pastor had given him. “You guys might remember him applying that philosophy to his personal life too. Do you remember when he and Dan started up?” Chris’s eyes are wet as he grins down at Dan’s blushing face. “D’ya remember, Danny?” Chris looked back up at the rest of the audience. “They’d gone out, maybe, what? Twice? And Justin said I had to meet him. So we went out for beers, and we were sitting there, and Justin started going on about all these plans he had, all these things they could do together once Dan quit his job and started working with Justin, and how they’d be a great team, and Dan could move in with him, and it’d all be excellent. And Dan was just sitting there staring at him like he was a lunatic. And so was I, ’cause I’d been friends with Justin forever, and I’d never seen him be anything but totally casual about anybody. But he was right, wasn’t he, Danny?” Chris is tearing up again, and he takes another sip of water before he almost whispers, “‘Sometimes you just know.’”

Chris takes a deep breath before continuing. “And them being such a great team was a big part of what got them to Rolex. Justin had been talking about that damn competition since I can remember, and for him to get to ride there and do well and have Dan, his parents, and all his friends there with him… it was just… golden.” Chris pauses again, but this time it’s like he’s enjoying a happy memory. But then he continues. “And the next year, it all fell apart. But even then… I know people have second-guessed every damn thing about that day, about that jump, but… I really think it was just Justin riding the way that he lived, with effort and commitment and heart.”

Chris needs another break, but then he looks up and seems to have himself under control. “So, that’s how I’m going to remember Justin. That’s how I think he’d want to be remembered. And now it’s your turn—I know Karl and Molly have talked to several of you who would like a chance to speak. I think I’m just going to turn it back over to the pastor to handle that.”

Chris comes down from the podium and sits down next to Dan, and Dan reaches his arm out and wraps it around Chris’s neck. When Chris’s head slouches down toward Dan’s shoulder, he bends his arm at the elbow so his hand can come up and rest on Chris’s head. They’re both crying, but they’re okay.

Nobody really wants to follow Chris, but eventually a few volunteer, and Dan sits and pretends to listen to them, and he’s sure they’re saying nice things, but he doesn’t really pay attention. He’s got his own memories of Justin. He doesn’t need to hear somebody else’s.

Eventually there’s a hymn, and a closing prayer, and then the family is being escorted out, returned to the little room in the back of the church. Dan and Chris duck into a side hallway on the way to have a quick drink and try to brace themselves for the next step. Dan thinks they’re in trouble when Molly appears, having come back to look for them, but Chris wordlessly extends the flask in her direction, and Molly just nods and takes a deep pull. She shakes her head as if to clear it.

“You doing all right, Molly?” Dan knows he can’t make up for neglecting everyone, but at least he can show a little concern.

“As well as can be expected, I guess.” Molly shakes her head again, and Dan notices how much she has aged. “I wanted to find you, Dan. We haven’t talked much, since… well, maybe we’ve never really talked all that much. But I wanted to tell you; I wanted to make sure you knew….” She’s still holding the flask, and she takes another drink. “Karl and I weren’t sure, when you first came around. I mean, it was like Chris said, it just all happened so fast, and Justin was so sure, and he didn’t seem to be seeing any possible downside, and we didn’t know much about you, and… we just didn’t want to see him get hurt.”

Dan nods. This is nothing new. But then Molly continues. “But I wanted to make sure that you knew, because I don’t know if we ever told you… we’re happy that Justin had you in his life. Chris talked about how intense he was, and he’s right, that was a great thing, but sometimes… sometimes it seemed like it was maybe a little much. But with you, he just slowed down a little, and he enjoyed things a little more. He seemed… content. He was still driven in every other way, but he seemed to know he’d found what he needed in you, so he could stop looking; stop working so hard.” She smiles, and squeezes Dan’s arm gently. “You were really good for him.”

Dan doesn’t really know what to say. And damn it, he’s crying again. But he brings his hand up to hers, and he tells her, “We were good for each other.”

She nods. “Yes, I think you were.” Then she shakes her head once more, and the softness falls out of her tone. “All right, then. Enough of this hiding. We’re supposed to be in the church hall by now. And Karl will think I’ve gotten lost.” She starts of down the hallway, and Dan and Chris follow in her wake.

They make it to the church hall and find people standing around in awkward clusters. Molly finds Karl and loops her hand through his arm, and he smiles bravely at her.

Dan sees Jeff, Evan, and Tatiana near the door, looking like they might be on their way out. He heads over to them, Chris trailing behind, and he tries to smile when he gets there. “Thanks again for coming all this way, guys.” He feels a bit awkward, but he continues. “Jeff, again… I’m sorry I’ve been such a mess, but, seriously, thank you for everything.” Jeff shakes his head gently, but Dan isn’t quite finished. “And, Evan, uh, I know I’ve been a total pain about it, and if you’ve reconsidered I totally understand, but if the job’s still open—I’d like to take it.” They all turn to him in surprise, even Chris, and Dan shrugs a little. “I decided during the service. I want to stay with the horses… if that’s all right?”

Evan’s quick to reassure him. “Yeah, man, that’s great. I was really not looking forward to having to find someone else. And, you know… Jeff and I have talked a bit, and… we can make things work, in terms of whatever divide you need between your job and your personal life.” He grins a little. “Seriously, I can learn boundaries if I concentrate… they just don’t seem to come naturally to me.”

Dan smiles back. “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I was thinking I’d start setting up the horse transportation now, and maybe aim at getting them out there in about two weeks. Does that work?”

“Sure, yeah, that’s fine. Coordinate through Linda once you’ve got details and everything, and if you need someone to help figure out estimates or whatever, you’ve been dealing with Becky, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Dan is a little suspicious of how smoothly this is coming together. He’d half expected Evan to have changed his mind, decided that he was too high maintenance or something. He still isn’t looking Jeff in the eye… better safe than sorry… but things seem to be working out.

Evan says that they have to go to catch their flight back home. He and Jeff shake Dan’s hand goodbye, and Tatiana gives him a tentative hug and whispers that she’s glad he’s coming, and then they’re gone. Dan stands there and looks at Chris, and Chris looks back at him. “You’re moving to California, Danielle.”

Dan nods. “Yeah, I guess I am.” Chris seems a little lost for a second, and Dan remembers the feeling of being left behind, remembers how much easier it is to be the one to go than the one to stay. “But not… I mean… you’re my best friend, Chris. Pretty much ever, if you don’t count Justin. I’m not… trying to get away from you. I’m not really trying to get away from anything. I’m just looking for a change.”

Chris nods. “Dude, yeah, it’s fine. You’ve gotta do what’s right for you; I get it. It’s not like I need your whiny ass around anyway!” Chris grins. “And, hey, holiday spot in California, that could be all right.”

“Absolutely. Or, hell, maybe you’ll get sick of this place and come out yourself! They must need lawyers out there too. Maybe Evan could hook you up.”

Chris just smiles. “You’re pretty quick to be offering his services. What was all that about a division between your job and your personal life?”

Dan shrugs. “Well, it’s not like you’d need his help anyway. You’re Christopher Foster, damn it!”

“That’s right. I’m Christopher Foster, and you, Dan… you are moving to California.”

Dan smiles. He’s feeling the tug of sadness already, but it no longer feels like it’s going to drag him under. He knows that he’ll never forget Justin, maybe never really get over him, but he feels good about the new start. Justin will always be a part of him, a big, good, important part, but Dan isn’t dead, and needs to find a way to move on. He’s not sure if California will work for him. Maybe he’ll be back sleeping on Chris’s couch before the end of the summer, but at least he’ll have tried. He knows Justin would have expected him at least to try.

Part 2

Chapter 18

DAN IS tired. It’s his second straight day of driving, and he’d spent a good part of the night before walking the horses to let them stretch out a little and then getting them safely settled in their temporary accommodations. His own rest and comfort came after that. The tractor-trailer that’s hauling the horses has two drivers, but Dan’s following along in his own truck, so he has to do all the driving himself. He wonders if he’s getting old. There was a time when he did this sort of thing for weeks on end, but now he’s tired after two days. Either old or soft; he doesn’t know which would be worse.

He’s more than ready to stop when he sees the stone gates welcoming him to the Kaminski property. He knows he’s still got a lot to do once he arrives, but at least the end is in sight.

One of the drivers jumps out of the truck and opens the gate to the barn area, and Dan follows the trailer through before the driver closes the gate behind him. Dan takes a minute to look around. The construction all seems to be done, and the place is looking good. He sees a couple of the horses that had come out with Robyn a few days earlier, and they seem calm and happy in their new home. He hopes he can adjust as well as they have.

The trailer pulls up in front of the barn, and Dan parks a distance away—his truck may not be a prize, but he still doesn’t want it kicked by a horse who’s crabby after too long on the road. He sees Robyn come out of the barn to greet them, followed by Tatiana, who is dressed for work and looks almost grubby. Dan is really relieved to see that. He’s worked for rich people before, and some of them seem to have trouble distinguishing between a trainer and a personal slave. He doesn’t mind helping somebody out, but he’s happy to see a rider who looks willing to do at least some of the work herself.

He pulls himself out of the truck and is in the middle of a big stretch when Robyn practically tackles him with a hug. “Dan! You’re here!” She looks over her shoulder and smiles at Tatiana, and then excitedly whispers to Dan, “I love her, and I love it here, and I love you for making this happen!” Then she grabs his hand and drags him over to Tat.

Dan and the girl exchange a friendly but more subdued greeting, and then all three walk over to where the drivers have got the gate of the trailer open. Dan reaches inside the door and finds the lead ropes he stashed. “How about if I bring them out of the trailer, then you two take them into the barn? You’ll have a better idea of where they’re going anyway.” The girls agree enthusiastically. Seeing them so excited has given Dan a burst of energy and makes it much easier to coax his body back to work.

Bringing a horse out of a trailer safely takes a certain amount of care and finesse, and Dan really doesn’t want to have brought these horses three quarters of the way across the continent just to see them injured once they arrive, so he works pretty slowly, and either Robyn or Tat is always ready and waiting for a new charge by the time he’s got the horse down the ramp. Monty is the second to last to unload, and Robyn takes him, and then Dan goes back for the final horse, the one that means the most to him.

Unlike the other horses, Smokey isn’t used to the fancy shipping boots that he’s wearing, and he walks with his knees brought exaggeratedly high, as though he’s wading through a swamp. He’s steady, though, pricking his ears in interest at the new sights and sounds but not even thinking about spooking or acting up. Tatiana almost claps her hands when she sees him.

“I was so happy when your friend called and asked if we had room for another horse! And he’s such a sweetie!” She comes forward eagerly, and Smokey extends his nose in polite greeting.

Dan is almost reluctant to hand the lead rope over to her. He’s been working with horses since he was thirteen, but he’s never owned one before. When Chris had brought Smokey over on the last day in Kentucky and said he’d heard there might be room in the trailer for one more, Dan hadn’t understood at first. He’d thought maybe Evan was taking steps in his ambition to have his own Quarter Horses to “screw around on”, but he hadn’t seen why he’d need to ship them in from Kentucky… and then Chris had told him, “Happy Birthday,” and kept talking over the part where Dan pointed out that his birthday was in December. Chris had said that he’d already called California to make sure there was room and that they didn’t mind a scrubby little trail pony mixing with their high class eventers. Chris had covered Smokey’s ears for some parts of that speech. The shipping company had also been consulted and the drivers had some papers for Dan to sign, and then Smokey was getting his boots velcroed on and was loaded into the trailer, and Dan was left to say thank you and goodbye to his best friend. Chris hadn’t let him say much, just handed him a box of Kleenex and a six-pack of water (“’Cause I can see you tearing up already, you little suck, and you know you’re not going to make it out of state without blubbering.”)

And now Smokey is about to start living the high life in California, and he seems to be fitting in just fine. He stands politely while Dan takes his shipping boots off and then follows Tatiana into the barn like a big, friendly dog.

The drivers are unloading the equipment that had come with the horses, and Dan helps them and then gives the trailer a quick check to make sure that nothing’s left behind. He signs the necessary papers and sees the truck pull away, and then he picks up a couple of saddles from the pile and heads into the barn. It’s strange to see the familiar horses in their new surroundings. Dan had arranged for a load of their regular Kentucky hay to come out with them. The California prices were so much higher that the shipping cost wasn’t prohibitive, and he wanted to be sure their digestive systems didn’t get a shock. And the equipment almost all came with them too. It feels a bit like an elaborate April Fool’s joke, where the contents of one barn have been transferred to another. Right down to the staff, Dan thinks, as Robyn comes in from outside with her own armload of equipment.

They all work together to get everything put away and make sure the horses are settled, and then Tatiana reluctantly says she has to go up to the house for dinner. Dan isn’t exactly expecting an invitation, but he wouldn’t have been shocked to get one. He’s a little surprised that neither Jeff nor Evan has been down to say hello yet. But no invitation or explanation is offered, so Dan is left to his own devices.

Robyn says that she’s on duty for the evening, with feeding and putting the barn to bed. She’s moved into one of the apartments upstairs, so it’s quite convenient for her. She shows him the schedule she’s set up for the staff to be in charge of the barn chores, subject to his approval, and she seems pleased when he says it looks good and asks her if she’d mind keeping the scheduling as one of her responsibilities.

Dan takes his truck over to the guest house and starts moving boxes and bags inside. He doesn’t have much, and he doesn’t feel like actually unpacking more than the necessities, so he decides to take the truck into town to pick up some groceries and maybe start scouting around for places that serve takeout. He has a quick shower to wash off the grime of the road, burrows through his bags to find some clean clothes, and then heads out. He stops off at the barn on the way to see if Robyn needs anything, but she doesn’t—she says she loves the little town so much that she’s happy to run her own errands. Dan wonders how long that will last.

There’s no big grocery store in town, but there’s a mom-and-pop operation that has everything Dan needs. He eats a lot of frozen meals, so he’s gotten used to shopping with a cooler in the truck. He loads the frozen stuff and the milk in there and knows it should be fine for a couple of hours. He asks the man at the cash register about finding somewhere to get takeout meals, and he’s told that he can get diner-style food from Carla’s, good Italian from Zio’s, or bar food from the Fireside Bar and Grill. Dan remembers Evan mentioning Zio’s and the Fireside when he’d driven Dan through town on his last visit. A burger sounds good, so he heads for the bar-and-grill.

He’d somehow forgotten that it was Saturday night. It’s still fairly early, so the place isn’t packed, but Dan gets the feeling that it’s going to be. He heads for the bar and a pretty brunette in a tight, low-cut T-shirt comes to take his order. He explains that he just wants takeout and a beer while he waits, and she touches his arm and tells him she can take care of that for him. She asks if he’s sure he doesn’t want to eat at the bar, and he smiles as he pulls his arm back out of her reach and says takeout is fine. She gets the message and takes his order, and he finds a seat at the end of the bar to drink his beer and watch the crowd.

There’s a band warming up, and Dan remembers Evan had said something about him and Jeff coming here a lot for the music. Dan scans the crowd but doesn’t see them. There’s a huge fireplace along one wall, but it’s early June and the air is warm, so the fire isn’t lit. But at least Dan knows the place has its name for a reason. Most of the patrons are dressed casually, but it’s the kind of casual that probably cost more than Dan’s entire wardrobe. Dan isn’t really sure about the economic base of this town, but at least some people are obviously doing pretty well. He wonders how many of them keep horses.

He’s about half-done with his beer when he hears a familiar laugh from the direction of the door. He turns with a smile and sees Evan holding the door for Jeff and two other people: a tall blond man and a woman with her dark hair pulled back into a bun so tight it seems like it’s pulling at her eyes. She looks like a slightly aged ballerina, even in her jeans and suede shirt. Evan is laughing at something the blond man said, and Jeff is watching him in amusement. The humor fades from Jeff’s eyes when he looks over at the bar and sees Dan, replaced by a quick flash of something Dan isn’t sure about, and then by a careful neutrality.

Jeff touches Evan’s arm and nods toward the bar, and Dan has a moment of discomfort. Something seems wrong, or different at least, but he can’t quite put his finger on what it is. Evan smiles in Dan’s direction, but instead of charging over as Dan had expected, he waves and then turns to the couple they’re with, obviously explaining Dan’s identity. They look over without much interest, and Evan nods as they head for a table by the window, and then Jeff and Evan come over to the bar.

Dan hops off his stool and shakes Evan’s hand, then Jeff’s. “So you made it safely? The horses and everything are all fine?” Evan inquires.

Yeah, everything went smoothly. Hey, I haven’t had a chance to thank you for finding room for Smokey—I really appreciate it.” Dan smiles a little as he thinks of his horse.

Evan smiles back, but Dan doesn’t really feel the warmth like he has before. “Well, Jeff said it was pretty standard for a trainer to be given a stall for his own horse, and we’ve still got lots of room. Don’t worry about it.”

There’s a bit of a pause, and Dan turns to Jeff, who seems to be staring somewhere around Dan’s ear. “So it’s another couple weeks until your show, right? Is everything going well for that?”

Jeff nods. “Yeah, it’s a lot of work, but I’m enjoying it.”

Dan sees a flash of movement in his peripheral vision and is relieved to see that the waitress has returned with his meal in a brown paper bag. He’s not used to carrying conversations, and he’s especially thrown off that he’s being forced to do that when he’s talking to Jeff and Evan. He doesn’t know if he’s caught them at a bad time, or if this is their attempt to help him with the division between work and play that he’d mentioned to Jeff. Whatever’s going on, he’s too tired to deal with it. He thanks the bartender for the food and then turns back to Jeff and Evan, waving the bag as his excuse. “Well, I’d better get out of here, let you get back to your friends.” They nod and step aside for him to get by. “Thanks again for the stall space, Evan.”

“No problem, man. I’ll try to get down to the barn in the next couple days, but if you need anything, give Linda a call, all right?”

Dan smiles his understanding and heads out the door. He walks past the bar’s window on his way to the truck, and, despite his efforts, his eyes turn to look inside. He sees Evan and Jeff both looking out at him, both with unreadable expressions on their faces. He sketches a half-wave and then keeps walking. He has no idea what has happened to the relaxed, friendly men he’d spent time with on his last visit or during their time in Kentucky. He wonders if they have just gotten tired of worrying about needy little Dan, and are trying to make it clear that their babysitting days are over. That seems fair. Jeff had gone above and beyond any duty he owed to a casual acquaintance, and even Evan had been really generous with his time, especially considering how many other commitments he must have.

Dan is a little insulted that they think that he would keep imposing on them and a little worried that they might be questioning his professionalism, his competence to do his job. He decides that he’ll be careful to display his own ability to be businesslike and certainly not show any sign of weakness that would make them feel awkward or suggest that he’s looking for their pity.

He tries to ignore his own sense of disappointment. He’d moved out to California for a job and for an opportunity to keep working with the horses that he and Justin had worked so hard on. Spending time with Jeff, or even Evan, would just get in the way of that and would make things more complicated than they need to be. He should be grateful that the other two have apparently made the decision for him so that he won’t have to worry about insulting them.

The horses have been without one of their trainers for the last year, and their training had been further disrupted by the drama of the past month. It will be a lot of work for Dan to get them back to where they should be, especially as he’ll be working with two new assistant trainers. And he’s never been in charge of a barn before. He isn’t sure exactly what his duties in the new position will be, but he knows he’ll have a lot to learn. He resolves to give the job all of his attention, all of his energy. If he can manage to tire himself out, maybe he’ll be able to forget the hole in his life where Justin used to be, and maybe he’ll be able to keep Jeff and those few electric moments out of his mind as well. He’s not actually confident that this will work, but he knows he has no choice in the matter with Justin, and based on the scene at the bar, he doesn’t have a choice with Jeff either. At least this way, he can tell himself that his isolation is all his idea.

Chapter 19

WHEN DAN’S alarm goes off, it interrupts a good dream. He tries to remember the details as he wakes, but they’re already fading into the distance and the harder he chases them the faster they run away. He remembers a mood, mostly, remembers feeling safe and warm and loved. He’s heard some people say that they can go back to sleep and pick up their dream where they left off, but he’s never been able to do that, and besides, he has work to do, so he gets up.

He has cold cereal for breakfast and pulls on riding clothes. He has to hunt around a bit for his boots, but finally finds them tucked into one of the boxes. He looks around the guest house carefully to be sure he’s leaving it in reasonable condition. He’s never lived anywhere so nice, never had so much space all to himself, and it still feels like he’s just visiting. His whole life out here still feels like he’s just visiting.

He heads out of the house, down the short lane and onto the main drive. An unfamiliar dog appears and barks at him a couple times. She looks like a pit bull cross, and Dan is a little cautious, but he crouches down, and she comes over and meets him. She stops barking after that, but she still escorts him to the barn as though she thinks it’s her job to keep an eye on him. As if she agrees that he doesn’t quite belong.

That feeling continues when he gets to the barn. One of the new hires is there, just finishing the feeding. Dan can’t remember the girl’s name, and can’t get over the feeling that she has more of a right to be there than he does. She seems surprised to see him, which doesn’t really help.

“Oh, hi! Mr. Wheeler! I didn’t know you’d be here this morning.” Once Dan realizes that she’s nervous, he feels a bit more comfortable himself. And a quick glance to the schedule Robyn had posted shows that ‘Sara’ is assigned to this shift, so….

“Sara, right?” She nods, and he smiles. “‘Dan’ is fine. And sorry to interrupt—it can be kind of nice to have the place to yourself, can’t it?”

She smiles back. “At least you didn’t catch me singing to the horses, or something.” She’s just fed the last horse, and she frowns. “The last stall—that horse isn’t on the list. I gave him a couple flakes of hay, but I didn’t know how much feed he’d want.”

Dan snorts. “He’d want the whole bucket. But he barely needs any at all.” Dan feels a little thrill of pride when he says, “He’s mine,” and the feeling isn’t diminished at all when he adds, “He’s just a trail horse, not an eventer. He doesn’t need too much of the high energy feed.” Dan ducks into the tack room and finds a pen, then comes back and adds Smokey’s name to the feeding list. He pauses when he looks at the turnout groupings. They’ve kept the same divisions as they’d used in Kentucky, but Smokey had never been turned out with the Archer horses there. “His name’s Smokey—let’s turn him out on his own for a couple days, let him get used to the place. Then we’ll try to find a group for him to make friends with.” Sara nods, and Dan adds a note to the page. “I’m gonna take him out for a ride now… go up and check out the cross-country course. Can you leave Monty in? I’ll ride him when I get back, and he’s a pain to catch from the paddock.”

Sara nods again. She’s in that awkward time when the horses are eating and there’s nothing else to do with them, and the barn is so newly organized that there are really no other chores. Dan remembers the solution he and Justin had found to fill the time, and wonders idly what Sara would do if he suggested that they make out. Wonders what he would do if she accepted the offer. Instead of finding out, he goes and gets Smokey’s tack and grooming kit, and gets to work. The horse hasn’t had much chance to get dirty yet, so the grooming consists mostly of Dan running his hands over Smokey’s body to check for any hidden injuries or sore spots, without much need for brushing. Then he saddles up and leads Smokey outside, hops on, and heads out along the fenced path that leads to the cross-country course. It’s the most convenient route, so Dan doesn’t even need to think of it as a sign of weakness that it also manages to avoid taking him along the hillside where he’d gotten the call about Justin.

The dog from earlier meets him part way and continues along with them. She seems well behaved and politely puts her nose up for a sniff when Dan gives Smokey enough rein to put his head down, so, as long as everyone’s getting along, Dan doesn’t mind the extra company. The three of them head up the hill and through the woods. Dan stops a few times and jumps down to check the footing and construction of the jumps, and is happy to find that everything seems to be in good shape. There’s a mulched, groomed track along the outside of a bit of a plateau, so Dan lets Smokey have his head, and they both enjoy the speed and the wind in their faces. The dog gives up trying to follow after only a couple strides, but she seems to guess where they’re going and takes a shortcut across the middle of field, and she’s sitting and waiting for them when they finish their little circuit.

They all head back to the barn, and the dog accompanies them most of the way before disappearing into the brush around the main house. Dan and Smokey continue on, and when they get to the barn Dan takes Smokey’s saddle and bridle off while they’re still outside and turns the gelding into one of the empty paddocks. Smokey takes a few trotting steps before deciding that he’d rather explore the taste of the grass than the corners of the field.

Dan brings the saddle and bridle inside, but he stops when he gets to Smokey’s stall. All of the eventers have brass name plates on their stalls, their stable names in bold and their registered names underneath. On Smokey’s stall, Sara has tacked a piece of cardboard, with “SMOKEY” in bold, and underneath, in smaller print, “Sir Smokes-a-Lot?” Smokey is mostly Quarter Horse, but he’s not registered, so he doesn’t really have a formal name, but that doesn’t mean he should be left out. Dan grins, and when he drops the tack off, he finds a pen and comes back to the stall. He adds “Smokey the Bear?” underneath Sara’s suggestion and then returns the pen to the tack room while he collects Monty’s equipment.

He spends the rest of the day riding various eventers, getting them used to their new home, making sure they don’t have any aches or pains from the travel. He rides Sunshine after Monty, and she seems fine, so when Tatiana wanders down in the early afternoon, he suggests she give the mare a try, and she does. Judging by the look on her face, she’s pleased with the experiment, and so is Dan. He wishes Evan had come down with her. He’s feeling a little uncomfortable with having so little contact with his employer, and he’s not exactly sure what the rules for Tatiana are. She’s only fifteen, and Dan knows that the whole barn is there essentially for her enjoyment, but he’s not really sure what boundaries, if any, he’s expected to enforce. He decides that’s probably a question worth contacting Linda about, although he thinks it would probably be best to wait until Monday.

Tat hangs around for the rest of the afternoon, watching Dan work the horses. At first he’s a little uncomfortable, thinking about what Evan had said about the girl’s crush, but she starts asking questions about what he’s doing, and it soon becomes clear that she’s genuinely interested in learning more about training the horses. He ends up enjoying the afternoon, starts getting used to explaining instead of just doing, and a few times he hops off and puts Tatiana on the horse, because there’s some things about horses that you have to feel to really understand. Robyn wanders down from the apartment while Tat is riding Kip, trying to feel the different degrees of collection, and she stands beside Dan, leaning on the fence and watching.

“She’s going to be pretty good, isn’t she?” Robyn asks.

“I guess… if she sticks with it. She’s only fifteen, though—next week she could decide she wants to spend all her time playing the flute or something.”

“Or chasing boys,” Robyn agrees.

Dan grins. “God knows that was a bit of a distraction for me.”

Robyn smiles back and looks around. “Jeff and Evan haven’t been down?”

“No. I ran into them last night in town, but I haven’t seen them since then.”

“Huh.” Robyn seems a bit surprised. “They were practically living down here the last few days, seeing all the horses arrive, helping them get settled. Maybe they were just keeping an eye on things, and now that you’re here they can take a break.”

Dan nods. He guesses that’s as good an explanation as any, although it doesn’t really help him understand the coolness he’d felt the night before. But he’s not great at reading people, so maybe he had misinterpreted that. Tat pulls up beside them and starts asking questions, and Dan brings his focus back to the task at hand.

He works until dusk and then goes back to the house and heats up one of the frozen dinners. He eats it while reading one of his business books and then takes a notebook and a beer out onto the porch. He tries to put together a list of questions to ask Evan or Linda or whoever’s available. He writes down a list, adds a few notes, and then reads a bit more. It’s not exciting, but it’s peaceful, and he feels like he’s put in a good day’s work. Everything still feels a little weird, but he’s hopeful that it will get better and seem more natural in time.

He calls Linda the next morning, but only gets her voicemail, and he realizes that he doesn’t even have a number to call Evan. He adds that to his list of things to ask about. He doesn’t plan to harass the man, but if Tatiana is going to continue spending so much time at the barn, he’d like to at least have an emergency number.

He spends the day working with the horses and the new trainers, and when Tatiana comes home after school, he spends some time with her and Sunshine as well. She’s only got one week of school left, so she’s buzzing with excitement about all the things she’ll do at the barn once she’s got more time, and Dan appreciates her enthusiasm. He also appreciates it when she goes home for dinner and gives his ears a break.

Dan goes home for his own dinner and then sets up on the porch again, working out the conditioning schedules for the horses. It’s a bit hard to do without knowing what Evan’s priorities for the barn are, but he thinks that two calls in one day might be a little much. It’s good to stay busy, though. He’s not missing Kentucky too much, not missing Justin—at least not when he’s not thinking about it.

The sun is just going down when the old Jeep Cherokee pulls into the guest house drive and Evan climbs out. He’s wearing business clothes again, and he looks a little rumpled after a long day, but still pretty sharp. When he gets a little closer Dan notices the weary set to his shoulder and the bags under his eyes. It looks like maybe he’s had more than one long day. He climbs halfway up the porch steps and smiles at Dan, although it’s not one of the full-body smiles that Dan has seen in the past.

“Hey, man,” Evan starts. “Sorry I didn’t return your call. It was a busy day.”

“No, no problem. There’s nothing super-urgent, if this isn’t a good time….”

“No, Linda told me what you wanted to talk about. You’re right. We should get that stuff sorted out. Do you have a little time now?”

Dan nods, and Evan comes the rest of the way up onto the porch and settles into the other chair with a long sigh. Dan raises his half-empty beer bottle. “Want one? Or do you want some coffee or something?”

Evan looks like he’s fighting some sort of temptation before he gives in with a sigh. “A beer would be perfect, man. Thanks.”

Dan goes to get the beer and then comes back and settles into his chair and pulls out his list of questions. He doesn’t know whether he should push Evan to get things resolved quickly so he can go get some rest, or give the poor guy a chance for a little break. Evan takes a long swallow of his beer and then sits forward and says, “Okay, let’s get started,” and Dan realizes that he was silly to think he’d be the one to determine the pace of the conversation. Evan’s a powerful man, and he’s not going to let his employee run a meeting.

“Yeah, okay. I think the big thing I need to know is how fast you want the horses turned over. I mean, the basic business is to buy cheap, untrained horses, train them, and sell them as valuable, trained horses. But ‘trained’ isn’t an absolute term. We can sell them half-trained for a bit of a profit and then give our energy to another horse, or we can hold onto them for longer and train them more and sell them for more of a profit. You know—sell more moderately priced horses or fewer expensive horses.” Dan glances over and sees that Evan is paying close attention. There’s something a bit unsettling about it, as if Evan is actually paying too much attention or something. But Dan’s always found Evan a little intense, so he just continues. “So I kind of need to know what kind of approach you’re looking for. And I need to know how aggressively you want to be marketing things, how much time you want spent on showing and other promotional-type activities compared to active training. Stuff like that.”

Evan nods thoughtfully, and they talk business for a half-hour or so. Evan takes off his tie part way in, and when he finishes his beer Dan goes and gets another for each of them. After a while, the conversation peters out, and they’re both left sitting and watching the night settle in. It’s peaceful, and Dan likes it more than the night before, when he’d done the same thing but been all alone. After a while Evan’s eyes begin to drift closed, and Dan finds himself watching the man rather than the night. Dan’s always known that Evan is good-looking, and Lord knows his body is a thing of beauty, but his face is so active that Dan’s never really had a chance to see it for itself, without the ever-changing expressions. Half-asleep, Evan looks young, and peaceful. The lines in his wide forehead smooth out, but there’s one tiny one left, and Dan’s fingers want to reach over and smooth it out.

After a few minutes Evan snorts a little, and his eyes open, and Dan quickly looks out at the mountains again, pretends he was unaware of Evan’s little nap. Evan takes a minute to collect himself and then rubs the back of his neck and says, “I’d better get home. Is there anything else we need to cover?”

“Uh, just… Tat.” Evan raises an eyebrow, and Dan hurries to clarify. “She’s great, and she’s got a lot of potential as a rider, and I’m really happy to have her as a part of the barn. I’m just wondering how to treat her, I guess. What the priorities are in terms of balancing Tat’s enjoyment of the horses with running the place as a business.”

“Okay… I think I get what you’re saying, but can you give me an example?” Evan’s back in business-man mode, but the edge is gone, and it feels like they’re colleagues rather than employer and employee.

“Well, I’m assuming that Sunshine isn’t for sale right now, since she seems to be the horse Tat’s settled on showing. But is she never for sale? Right now, Sunshine knows a hell of a lot more than Tat does. If she’s only going to be Tat’s horse, there’s no real reason to put much energy into her training, at least for a while. You know?” Evan nods, so Dan continues. “And Tat’s interested in riding more over the summer, which is great. But she really hasn’t got the skills yet to be a whole lot of use as a trainer. She could do okay as an exercise rider, though. So if she was just another employee, I’d have her riding the horses up and down hills, stuff like that—stuff that’s good for the horses but isn’t really going to teach Tat much as a rider. But she’s not just another employee, not an employee at all, so maybe I should be focusing on having her do more schooling-type riding, where she’d learn more even though she’s not really the best rider for the job, you know?”

Evan smiles a little ruefully. “I hear what you’re saying. I….” He leans back a little and now his smile seems a bit sad. “As far as I’m concerned, the whole Kaminski business ‘empire’ is only useful insofar as it makes Tatiana happy. I mean, I don’t need a lot of money, and we’re the only ones left in the family… so pretty much everything I’m doing is for Tat, so that when she gets old enough there will still be a business for her to choose to get involved in or to choose to ignore.” He plays with his beer bottle a little, peeling the label off thoughtfully. “But, I dunno… it’s probably not a good idea for a fifteen-year-old to realize that she has that kind of clout, you know? Seems like it would be hard to grow up normal knowing that a good-sized chunk of the world actually does revolve around you.”

Evan pauses, and Dan jumps in. “For what it’s worth, man, I think you’re doing a great job so far.” Evan glances over in surprise, and Dan blushes a little. “I mean, I’m not a psychologist or anything, but… she’s a great kid. She’s been working really hard at the barn, and Robyn and all the rest of the staff love her. She doesn’t seem spoiled at all.”

Evan’s smile finally has the warmth that Dan remembers. “Thanks, man. That means a lot. She’s… she’s my most important job, you know? And I really have no idea what I’m doing. Jeff helps….” And then Evan’s smile is fading, although Dan isn’t sure why. He hopes there isn’t trouble between the two, at the same time as a tiny part of his brain jumps to attention at even the hint that Jeff could someday be single again.

Dan squishes that thought down as hard as he can and tries to get back to Evan’s conversation, tries to get back to the friendly, relaxed atmosphere of moments ago. “I’m not sure anyone really knows what they’re doing. There’s lots of kids from parents who should be experts who turn out bad. And like I said… so far, Tatiana seems like she’s turning out great.”

Evan smiles again, and it’s almost at full power. “Yeah, she really is pretty excellent.” He pauses for a moment. “So, in terms of the barn—can I ask you to just use your judgment? I’m not trying to unload my responsibilities onto you, but I just don’t know if I’ve got an answer. I want her to be happy, but I know that she won’t be happy long-term if she gets everything she wants all the damn time. So—maybe a mix? Have her do some stuff that’s good for the barn, but try to work in some stuff like the training that’s good for her. Does that make sense?”

Dan nods. It’s not crystal clear, but at least it’s a general guideline, and at least the issue has been raised.

“And I’ll try to check in more regularly, without you having to chase me down. From the sound of things, Tat’s looking to spend most of her summer at the barn, so you’ll probably be seeing more of her than I do. So… I guess I’ll be looking to you for updates on my sister.” He smiles a little ruefully and then continues. “And I wanted to thank you for what you’ve been doing so far. She came home last night just about floating off the ground, totally thrilled with everything you’d been teaching her. And she texted me at work seven times today, babbling about how excellent everything at the barn is… so, whatever you’re doing seems great… as long as she doesn’t get spoiled.”

Dan’s a little embarrassed, but Evan is standing up and getting ready to go, so there really isn’t a chance to dwell on it.

“Okay, so, thanks for everything. I’ll try to drop by the barn and see what’s going on, but I’m sure you’ve got it all under control.” He smiles and scratches his stomach a little, and Dan’s eyes are caught by a little flash of skin showing when his dress shirt rucks up a little. Dan tears his eyes back to Evan’s face, but it’s too late; Evan has noticed. The man’s smile gets a strange little edge to it that Dan can’t decipher, but he doesn’t say anything, just sets his empty beer bottle on the table and heads down the stairs. He turns at the bottom and looks back up, and his eyes are a little warmer than they were before, a little more focused. “So, I’ll be in touch. Let me know if you need anything.”

He turns the Jeep around and heads out, and Dan sits back down on the porch. The meeting had gone well, and Evan had been friendly. So Dan figures he should be happy, should be satisfied that things are going smoothly. And he is, really. He just can’t quite shake a little feeling like he’s missing something, something that might be important. He tries to let his mind relax, and let it come to him, but all he gets is flashes of Evan’s tanned stomach and peaceful sleeping face, mixed in with Jeff’s gentle smile and hungry eyes. That’s not at all helpful, he decides, and goes to have a shower before bed. When he gets in the shower and finds the same images going through his mind as his hand wanders to his cock, he tries not to worry about it too much. Fantasies are totally natural. He just has to make sure they don’t get in the way of reality.