Hadrian stood in the elevator, Spark at his side, on their way back up to the bridge. From a speaker grille, Tammy said, “And here I was all full of commiseration about poor Spark. But that damned dog is unkillable. I’ll have to do something about that reset button.”
“Ah,” said Hadrian, “you failed in your ploy of opening the door to the Lethal Radiation Chamber, so now you want to get more direct. But just as a warning, Tammy, I doubt Spark will take kindly to a chicken trying to crawl up its ass.”
“Explosive feathers!” cried Spark.
“Really, Tammy,” resumed Hadrian, “you need to get over the fact that Spark is a valuable and essential member of my crew now. I won’t have you plotting its demise.”
“Oh, fine then. So, aren’t you going to save Captain Olo?”
“He’ll be fine. Besides, he’s now in command of an Abject Class Klang battleship. Serious war booty there.”
“So, where to next?”
The elevator door opened and out they went. A few moments later, they reached the bridge.
“Captain on the bridge!” Sin-Dour announced, rising from the command chair. “Sir.”
“2IC, find us a temporarily idyllic planet about to move into an unstable orbit wreaking devastation upon its fragile environment.”
“At once, sir.”
Hadrian settled into the command chair. “Now then! Is everyone happy?”
Beta swung round in her chair. “It is well known that two hundred rodents in a sack make a nice pillow, albeit one likely to eat your ear off.”
“Thank you, Beta.”
“You’re welcome, sir.”
Joss Sticks frowned across at Beta. “So, like, your hair never moves.”
“Correct,” the robot replied. “It has nowhere else it wants to go. This is the essence of loyalty.”
“Well said, Beta,” Hadrian chimed in. “Helm, prepare to set us a course as soon as Commander Sin-Dour finds that planet. Spark, patrol the ship, being especially on guard for intruders.”
“Intruders! ‘See what happens to trespassers?’ Aisle Nineteen, Lime Pit Six!”
As Spark departed the bridge, Tammy the chicken hopped up onto the dais beside Hadrian. “You’ve got a long way to go, Captain. The Affiliation remains a quagmire of paranoia, hostility, injustice, rapacious greed, and idiotic but always self-serving galactic policies.”
Hadrian smiled. “Ah, but the Klang have arrived, about to unleash economic sabotage on a galactic scale. Just think, the Head Idiots at the Galactic Monetary Fund are probably licking their lips at the thought of dumping loans on the poor Klang planets, loans that can never be repaid, of course, not without huge concessions, including giving up innumerable sovereign rights to Klang resources. Alas, those Idiots won’t know what’s hit them when the Klang are finally done with them.”
“And it won’t be on your head. Captain Hans Olo is a name that will live in infamy.”
“The risks of command,” Hadrian said. He rose from his chair, studying the still-blue viewscreen. “The human species has its head trapped in a vice of about a dozen unfounded assumptions about human nature and how things have to be, capital inequity foremost among them. The Klang are going to dismantle all of that, and fast.”
“Captain,” said Sin-Dour, “a planet has been found matching your requirements. Course has been conveyed to the Helm.”
“Excellent. Helm, take us up to Point Oh-Eight, and then inform Engineering to prepare the T-Drive.”
“Yes sir!”
The door behind him hissed open, and a technician with the name HALASZ stitched onto his coveralls walked in. He paused, squinted up at the screen, sighed and shook his head. He continued on until he stood directly in front of the huge screen, reached down beneath its edge and hit a button. The screen flickered and then revealed the starscape and the now departing Klang battleship. The technician pulled out a notepad and made some notes, before swinging round and heading out.
The image then shifted to a close-up of Hadrian, who scowled. “What’s that for, Tammy?”
“I thought you were about to pontificate.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“Okay.”
“Get rid of the close-up, Tammy.”
“Well, how about some stentorian music, or maybe something that kind of, you know, drifts, a few minor notes reaching into the future. And then we can use an external remote camera to pull right back, revealing the Willful Child setting off into the depths of the unknown. Cue credits.”
Hadrian sat back down in the command chair. “All right,” he said. “Do that.”
Music started up. The view on the screen shifted to an external aft shot of the Willful Child, sliding forward and getting smaller by the moment. “Classy,” said Hadrian. “But…”
“But what?” Tammy demanded.
“Well, I mean, I’m sitting on the bridge of that ship, so watching it fly away is, well, confusing.”
“Yes, since being on it you can’t see it the way you’re seeing it. That’s a given.”
“Maybe it’s a given to you, Tammy, but I’m getting a headache.”
“At least tell me you like the music.”
Hadrian shrugged. “It’s all right, I suppose. But all those straining strings…”
“What about them?”
“They seem to be viscerally inducing in me the desire to take a dump.” He abruptly stood, looked around. “Anyone else feeling like that? If so, permission granted for potty break.”
Everyone leapt up and ran for the bridge door.
“I hate you,” said Tammy. “I really hate you all.”