Trevor
I was going to murder Drew.
But first, I had to rein in the complete devastation caused by Bella’s words. She needed a mom so bad, and I hated that there was a role that I as a father couldn’t fill, a hole she had that no matter how many times I tried, seemed to always exist.
My chest felt tight, and the reheated pizza only made my stomach feel like a rock had settled on the bottom.
“Bella.” I said her name softly. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
“Yeah, but I heard Uncle Drew.” Her little face was beaming like a lighthouse on a dark night.
“You and the rest of Seaside,” I said in a voice that severely lacked any amusement on my part. The breeze picked up, carrying Penny’s hair with it. Damn, she was pretty. It was like the more I got to know her, the prettier she became. What the hell was I going to do tomorrow morning? By the end of the week, I was going to need to walk around with my eyes closed and just pray I made it out the door alive. I let out a sigh. “Run up to your bed, and I’ll read you a story in a few minutes, all right?”
“Can Penny read it?” Bella piped up, her eyes wide and excited at the opportunity to have someone other than her boring dad read to her. Fantastic. Maybe that was where my irritation was coming from. Penny wasn’t staying, this wasn’t a permanent thing. Sure, she would probably still help out if I asked, but I’d originally told her only until school started.
How could I change that from a few weeks to forever?
I was about to say no, mainly because I didn’t want my daughter getting so attached that it broke her heart when Penny no longer read her stories, but she was clinging so tightly to Penny’s neck, her little arms wrapped around it like a vise. And I realized that in another time, another life maybe, I would have been content to do the very same thing. “Yeah, baby, she can read it.”
“Good! Thanks, Daddy. Come on, Penny!”
Penelope’s eyes darted to me and then back to Bella before she flashed a wide smile that hit me like a punch to the gut. “Let’s do it.”
I held my breath when she walked by because I knew if I didn’t, I’d get a whiff of intoxicating perfume with a hint of almond, and I’d do something stupid like kiss her again. Or maybe tell her that Drew was heavily medicated at all times and belonged in a mental hospital and that he peed the bed at night. He might never forgive me.
A smile tugged at my lips. I could live with that.
My chest felt tight as I watched them walk up the stairs, and then I leaned against the doorframe. Her bags were outside the door staring up at me, waiting for me to take them in, and all I kept thinking was that one day, those bags would be leaving, this wasn’t permanent. This was just…life.
And life had been kicking me in the ass.
One day those bags would leave.
One day Penny would leave.
Where did that leave us when she was gone?
It wasn’t supposed to be this hard.
She was supposed to be helping, not hindering, not making me feel things I hadn’t felt in…
I frowned out at the distance, the salty air hanging heavy around me like the universe was waiting for my honesty, for my truth.
I hadn’t felt that way about a woman in a long time.
And if I was being completely honest, I’d stayed with Jo because she was my children’s mom. I hadn’t slept with her in who knew how long? Separate bedrooms, separate lives. For the last two years at least.
A cold sweat broke out on my forehead as I grabbed Penny’s bags and brought them into the house then up the stairs to the mother-in-law suite.
I walked by Eric’s room then Malcom’s. Both of them were sleeping, limbs hanging off the side of the bed ready to fall onto the floor in minutes. They were rowdy sleepers, which is why I didn’t typically let them in my bed, too many black eyes to count when they were three years old.
“Goodnight Moon…” Penny finished, then kissed Bella on the top of her head while I saw movement in Eric’s room.
How was it humanly possible to be sleeping that hard one minute, then snickering the next? Unbelievable.
“Boys. Bed!” I yelled.
“Sorry, Dad,” they muttered together like they were anything but sorry. Maybe I should let them share a room? I always thought that space was the way to go, but more and more Malcom was sneaking into Eric’s room and asking to stay.
I let out a frustrated breath and glanced back into my daughter’s room as Penny pulled the covers up to Bella’s chin and then gave her another kiss on the forehead.
Pain squeezed my chest so tightly, so effectively and efficiently that I had to look away.
Penny shut the door with a quiet click and faced me.
I wanted to torture myself with information about their date, even though I was pretty sure I knew exactly how good it had been for Drew.
Bastard.
“Drink?” I asked, apparently needing alcohol to have that sort of conversation with her.
Why him?
I mean, he was good looking, charismatic—okay, I needed to not go down that dark, depressing road. He was free. I wasn’t. Maybe deep down that was what she craved, to be someone’s world.
Kinda hard to compete with that when I already had three running circles around me on a daily basis.
“Yeah.” She frowned and then nodded toward the kitchen. “That actually sounds great. I’m not a huge beer drinker, though Drew tried to—”
“Convince you?” I bet he did. Why did she have to catch Drew’s eye? Him of all people? Really?
“It was okay but not my favorite. He kept ordering different kinds until I made him stop.”
I smirked. “He likes it when people like what he likes, mainly because he’s an expert when it comes to himself. Narcissist and all that.”
Penny scrunched up her nose and smiled. “Isn’t everyone like that, though? I mean narcissism aside, it’s nice to have similar interests.”
We couldn’t be any more different if we tried. “Yeah I guess so. Which means if you don’t like gin and tonic…” I tried to lighten the mood.
“Ahhhh, with lime?”
“Always.” I winked and grabbed two glasses, then looked around for the limes only to find Penny already slicing them open for us.
The woman was perfect.
Damn it.
I was killing Drew later.
And shoving my drumsticks up his ass.
Alcohol.
I grabbed the bottle of Beefeater Gin and poured a generous amount in both cups, then grabbed ice while Penny grabbed the tonic water and started to pour.
It was too damn easy with her, like she belonged in my house, my kitchen. Like making her a permanent fixture in my life wasn’t just a dream but destiny.
I held up my glass, she held up hers. “Cheers.”
She smiled and clinked hers against mine then took a long, slow sip that had me staring for an embarrassing amount of time at her neck and the way the liquid flowed down her perfect throat.
Great, now I was obsessed with her throat.
When had this happened?
Seeing her with Drew had made me want to snap.
Seeing him flirting with her made me want to commit a crime, and now I was drinking with three kids sleeping upstairs, all because I couldn’t calm my racing pulse. And if I was being really honest, I knew if I didn’t have something to hold in my hands, I’d reach for her.
And I wasn’t sure anymore if that was what she wanted, not since the date. Besides, how did I even begin to explain that to the kids? I kiss her, I like her, yet she also works for us, but no, she’s not your mother…
“So.” I cleared my throat and leaned against the countertop. “How’d the date go?”
Penny smiled over her glass. “Probing a bit?”
“A lot, not a bit.” I laughed and took another fortifying swallow.
“We decided we would be great friends.”
“Joint decision?” I frowned as the alcohol got stuck in my throat and left a lingering burn.
“After some explaining, yes.” She nodded slowly. “Though it’s Drew, so I’m sure reminding him what friendship means will be a daily necessity.”
I barked out another laugh. “Yeah, good luck with that. When he sees something he wants…” I shrugged.
“What about you?”
That got my attention, and I jerked my head up and snorted. “Drew doesn’t want me like that, thank God.”
Her eyes narrowed, she put down her drink and leaned over the counter. Her shirt was just low enough for me to see breasts; two perfect mounds that I wanted to cup, to kiss and suck and squeeze and…shit, what were we talking about again? “Not Drew, I’m talking about when you want something…do you just blindly pursue?”
“Used to.” I gritted my teeth. “But that’s what I did with my ex, and look how that turned out.” I exhaled roughly, the final reminder released into the universe. I had been impulsive with her, impulsive with my heart, ready to just toss it at the first woman who I thought truly got me. And I was wrong, so very wrong. “Besides, I have three other people to think about, even if I wanted…” My voice fell as sadness flashed across her face. “You know what I mean. It’s not just me anymore. I have to think about them, what’s best for them, what’s best for us.”
“That’s what I thought,” she said softly, looking away and finishing her drink like a champ. “Just so you know…” I watched her move around my kitchen like it was hers. “Your kids aren’t holding you back. At least from this position, the one I’m standing in, they seem to be the driving force behind everything you do.”
The truth of it slammed into me. “Twenty-year-old me could make mistakes, and it was only about me. Thirty-one-year-old me has baggage that comes with him. Thirty-one-year-old me sees it reflected in my kids’ eyes. I get what you’re saying, they’re the driving force but also the reason I can’t—”
“Right,” she finished. “Okay.” Another nod as she started to walk away.
I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her against me.
Her eyes locked onto mine. “Is this where you tell me it’s not me, it’s you?”
“This is where I tell you I wish I had met you in a different life.”
“Funny.” She pulled away from me. “Since I was just thinking how lucky I am to meet you in this one.”
Disappointment filled the room.
Questions asked.
Answers given.
Choices made.
And I had to wonder what would have happened had I told her the only thing I’ve been wanting to pursue for the last week and a half? Had been her heart.