Some people run when they get scared, but that’s kind of hard to do when a coconut freak has a super-villain death grip on your shoulder. Other people throw up or get strength they never knew they had. I wished for that last one, which would also come in handy in case of a zombie invasion, but I didn’t get it. Some people start seeing things, and that’s what I got. Big Adam led me out of the bathroom and down the hall. We were almost to Mr. Strathmore’s office when I spotted this tiny, hairy guy. He was shorter than Big Adam, and he was totally, completely, absolutely naked. Mr. Strathmore was next to him, lying on the ground. He was either taking a nap right there on the floor, or else someone (the tiny naked hairy guy?) had knocked him out.
When we reached them, Big Adam stopped. “Well done,” he said, which was strange, because people don’t usually talk to other people’s imagination.
“Woooooooowwww!” said Tiny Naked Hairy Guy. I blinked. He was not a guy at all; he was a monkey. Or wait: a chimp, actually. The difference is that monkeys have tails. You don’t live as close to the National Zoo as I do without having some of it rub off. Plus, he wasn’t completely naked; he had a red bandana tied around his neck.
“Eeeee eeee eeee.” The chimp pulled back his lips and looked at me. In one hand he held a coconut. He lifted his other hand and waved at me. I waved back.
“Arf! Arf!” Yeti barked at my imagination. His bark turned into a growl when the chimp walked up to us and tried to touch Yeti’s back.
“No,” said Big Adam, sounding all Darth Vader and stuff. “Leave them to me.” The chimp took back his hand.
Big Adam pointed to Mr. Strathmore. “Get him out of here.” He made some sort of hand gesture—sort of like the letter Q in sign language. The chimp dropped the coconut and dragged Mr. Strathmore toward what must have been the back of the building. Chimps are twice as strong as humans, according to my Fantastically Freaky book.
“Hurry up, you banana-eating hair ball,” said Big Adam.
I felt sorry for the chimp; he had a lousy boss. While the chimp was dragging Mr. S down the hall, I tried to send my brain waves to my sisters, in case they were listening, and to Nanny X.
Back door, I thought. Back door.
I didn’t feel like singing the ball game song anymore, but sometimes whistling calms me down, too, even if I can’t make the actual whistling sound. Phh. Phh. Phhhhhh. I added it to the list of skills I needed but didn’t have.
“I can just wait for my nanny right here,” I said.
“I don’t think so,” Big Adam said. “Now you’ve definitely seen too much. Come on.”
Phh. Phhh. Phhhhhh.
I hoped Ali would enjoy her life without a pesky little brother. Now she could take down her Keep Out sign until Eliza learned to read.
We reached the exit ahead of the chimp. Big Adam tightened his grip on my arm and then shoved the door open with his shoulder. Even though it hadn’t been dark in the Chamber of Commerce building, the sun was so bright it felt like I was walking out of a movie. A bad movie. I shut my eyes and opened them again. There stood Nanny X. The flowers on her hat looked like they had grown. The sun reflected off her mirrored glasses. She stood with her legs apart and her arms folded, in front of a brown van the color of a . . . well, sure. The color of a coconut. I don’t know how she got there ahead of us, but I was saved!
“Let the boy go,” she said.
“I don’t think that would be wise,” Big Adam said. “Not yet. You know what they say: a Cocos nucifera in hand.”
“Bird in hand,” said Nanny X.
“Whatever.”
The chimp galumphed out of the building, still lugging Mr. Strathmore.
“Well, that certainly explains the banana shortage, doesn’t it, Jake Z?” said Nanny X. She turned back to Big Adam. “Let the boy go. It’s my first day on the job, and I’m going to get fired if you kidnap him. Take me instead.”
“Why don’t I just take you both?” he said. He pulled out what looked like a tiny coconut with a long fuse on the end. “At least until after the board votes.”
I wasn’t saved. But at least I had some company.
The chimp let go of Mr. Strathmore and started pulling Nanny X toward the van. Nanny X did not resist. I was still holding Yeti by the leash. Big Adam looked at him, and I could almost hear him thinking unsanitary flea bag. But I guess he’d seen enough movies where the dog sounds the alarm and leads the police to the boy. In the end, he shoved us all into the van.
The chimp dragged Mr. Strathmore in next to us.
“Keep an eye on ’em,” said Big Adam as he got into the driver’s seat. “And remember”—he patted the seat next to him, and I saw a mound of coconuts piled up like cannonballs at those historic sites my parents take us to sometimes—“I’m armed.”
I gave Nanny X a look that said Let’s tackle that chimp!
She shook her head. As Big Adam gunned the motor, she leaned over and whispered: “Don’t worry, Jake. This is our chance to find out what Big Adam is up to.”
“But what about Eliza and—”
“No talking,” Big Adam said.
The only good part of the ride was that Big Adam finally offered me one of his famous smoothies. The bad part was that we lurched around so many curves, I kind of wished he hadn’t.