Meredith
The last thing I expected when the nurse wheeled me out the hospital exit was an unfamiliar blue car waiting for me. The driver’s-side door opened and when I realized it was Lynx, I wanted to run away. He came closer and kneeled in front of me. Slowly, he reached for my hand. I forced myself to look him in the eye, and what I saw nearly broke me. Concern. Shame. Affection. How could he be feeling all that?
“I’m sorry,” I said in a near whisper.
“No. You’ve not done anything wrong, Merry. Let’s get you home.”
The nurse handed him my discharge papers, and the peri bottle they were sending home for me to use. I only half-listened as she went over the basic care instructions. When she finished, Lynx helped me out of the wheelchair and into the car. I didn’t know where he’d gotten it. Had he gone out to buy it while I’d been here?
The nurse went back inside as Lynx got into the car. He reached over and cupped my cheek.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Merry. I never meant for you to run out like that.”
“I can’t do this right now, Lynx.” I’d had every intention of walking out of here on my own and disappearing. He’d hurt me. Much more than the Devil’s Fury had. Even worse, I’d started to doubt myself again. Why had he done that to me?
He sighed. “All right. Moira told me to stop thinking I know what’s best for you and ask what you need. So if you need me to not bring up the subject right now, then I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
Moira. Of course, he’d listen to her. As much as I tried to convince myself I didn’t want to know, I couldn’t help but ask.
“The two of you never dated?”
“No. I should have made sure you knew that up front. We really aren’t anything more than friends. I wanted the two of you to meet because I thought she could help you.”
“So, it really was intentional,” I muttered.
I hoped he’d drop it for now. He seemed to understand that’s what I needed because he didn’t say another word as he pulled away from the hospital and out onto the street. I was still curious where the car had come from. If he’d been so worried about me, why had he taken the time to go buy one?
“This is going to be your car,” he said. “It’s a gift from Wire, but I don’t know if he wants us to tell anyone right now. He had the dealership deliver it while I was waiting at the hospital.”
I didn’t respond. Although, I was thankful he’d answered my silent question. And I was also happy to hear he hadn’t gone shopping while I’d been in the hospital. I didn’t know how he’d discovered I was there. The hospital wouldn’t have told him anything since I didn’t sign papers giving them permission to talk to anyone.
Then again, he’d said Wire sent the car to us. Maybe that’s how he knew where I was and what was going on. He’d probably asked the hacker to track me. It wasn’t like I could give the hospital a fake name. They’d probably send me a huge bill later. It surprised me no one mentioned anything about a payment while I’d been there.
Lynx drove through the gates at the compound and went straight home. I waited after he parked. He came around to help me from the car and kept his arm around my waist as we went into the house. I eased down onto the couch.
“Wait here and I’ll get a few things for you. I haven’t had a chance to read the papers, but the nurse said you’d be tired today. You can relax in here and watch TV.”
He hurried off and returned a minute or two later with a pillow and blanket. He removed my shoes for me, and helped me get comfortable, before handing me the remote. The scrubs the hospital had given me were more comfortable than I’d thought, so I wasn’t in a hurry to change.
We needed to talk. When he went to leave the room, I reached for his hand to stop him. Lynx paused, then kneeled down beside the couch. He didn’t say a word, only waited patiently for me to gather my thoughts. This was the man I’d come to know and care about. So why had he done things so differently earlier?
“Earlier, it felt like you’d betrayed me. I didn’t know anything about Moira. My anxiety was through the roof the entire time we sat with her, then to discover you’d set it all up from the beginning…”
“I know. It was too much.” He kissed the back of my hand. “I’m sorry, Merry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve been worried about you, and with Moira being a psychiatrist, I’d hoped if she got a chance to observe you then she could let me know if my fears were unfounded.”
“She gave me her card. Guess that means I’m a basket case.”
He shook his head. “No. You might need help figuring things out, and we may even discover it’s something that requires medication, but it doesn’t make you a crazy person. I didn’t intend to make you feel like one either. I’d thought it would be less stressful if you didn’t know what she did for a living.”
I snorted. That one had backfired on him in a big way. It did show me one thing, though. He’d had good intentions, like always when it came to me. He knew I’d been struggling, and I’d even admitted to myself I might need help. It was hard to hold onto my anger. Lynx had been the only person to really stop and look, to find out why I acted the way I did and accept me.
“You haven’t asked about the baby,” I said.
“I heard you had a miscarriage. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. I know the baby wasn’t planned, but it doesn’t make the loss hurt any less. You had to have been scared. I should have been with you.”
Yes, you should have. “There’s no reason for you to be stuck with me now.”
His eyes darkened and his jaw went tight. “What the fuck did you just say?”
“I’m not pregnant anymore. You don’t have to take care of me.”
He closed his eyes and released my hand. “I’m going to walk out for a few minutes so I won’t say something I shouldn’t. But know that your words right now really piss me off.”
I blinked as he walked out of the room, and then he left the house entirely, slamming the front door shut. Part of me had assumed he’d be happy to have his freedom back. When he’d said he would claim me, he couldn’t have known how bad things would be. He hadn’t tried to make me his until he’d found out I was pregnant. I’d thought he would be glad to be rid of a nuisance like me.
The door opened and he came back inside, shutting it quietly this time. He came straight for me, sitting on the floor beside the couch.
“Are you under the misconception I only wanted you because of the baby?” he asked.
“You didn’t say anything about claiming me until I told you I was pregnant. Why would anyone want to be with someone like me?”
“Someone like you,” he muttered. “I knew you had some self-esteem issues, amongst other things, but to hear you say that… Merry, I’m with you because you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to make mine. This isn’t a casual thing for me. You aren’t a fling, or some club whore I’ll want to shake off in a few days.”
“But I’m…”
He placed a finger over my lips to silence me. “What you are is incredible. You’re beautiful, sweet, sexy as hell. Let me ask you something. You’ve dragged out your exile for far longer than originally planned. Why?”
“Because I’m not good enough yet.”
“Says who? Your dad clearly wanted you home by now. Why do you feel like you have to prove anything? Did you stay away because you didn’t want them to not accept you when you went back? Were you only worried about yourself?”
“No,” I admitted. “It would be a strain on Dad if the club still hated me for what I’d done. I thought if I could mature a little more, show I could take care of myself, then maybe they’d not be so angry when I went back.”
“So you did all this for your dad.” He reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear. “You have a big heart, Merry. I think you acted the way you did because of a mental illness. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you need to talk to someone, or need medication, then it doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t make you less capable. What’s the difference in taking medication for anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issue compared to say… your dad’s blood pressure or heart pills?”
I didn’t have an answer for him. I’d never considered it that way, but he was right. If I had something wrong with me and needed to take prescriptions in order to be okay, then it wasn’t different. Not everyone would see it that way, though, and I knew it. Some would make fun of me, or say it was just an excuse.
“You’re safe here, Merry. This compound is your home now. No one is going to disparage you, or make you feel like less than you are.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “You’re safe.”
The emphasis the second time really made it hit home. He’d done everything in his power to give me a place where I could be myself. Made me his old lady, opened up his home to me, accepted me as I was, and offered to get me the help I needed. So why had I been so intent on running from him?
“When I was at the hospital, I’d thought you’d be better off if I ran away. Actually, I thought everyone would prefer it if I disappeared forever.”
“No.” He gripped my chin and forced me to hold his gaze. “I will never be better off without you. And if you’re having those thoughts, then I’m scared shitless right now. Will you please meet with someone? I don’t care if it’s Moira or someone else. I’ll make the arrangements as long as you’ll go.”
“I don’t know how I feel about Moira.”
He nodded. “Fine. I’ll check around for someone else. I’m going to call your dad and my sister to let them know we’ll be delayed a few days. You can’t ride that far right now.”
He walked out again, this time pulling his phone from his pocket. I turned on the TV and tried to focus on one of my favorite shows. I understood why he was so worried. I knew the thoughts I had weren’t normal. He was right when he said I needed help. What would it feel like to not doubt myself all the time? Or try to mask the pain by getting myself into crazy situations, like sleeping with random strangers? I couldn’t even fathom such a thing. I’d been like this for as long as I could remember. Even though I hadn’t slept around when I’d been at the Devil’s Fury, I’d fixated on Doolittle to the point of obsession. Once that was gone, I’d thrown my inhibitions out the window and done whatever I thought would feel good long enough to numb the sensations and chaotic thoughts.
I spent the rest of the day trying not to let the darkness suck me under. Instead, I watched TV, ate the snacks Lynx brought me, and tried to think of positive things. Like belonging to a man who clearly cared about me a great deal. He might not have said he loved me, but I was now certain he was with me for the right reasons.
Even if I couldn’t go back to the Devil’s Fury, I’d have a new family here with Lynx. The Savage Raptors had all been nice to me. Not a single one had said anything bad. When Lynx wanted to claim me, they hadn’t seemed to balk at the thought of me being part of their family. At least, it hadn’t been dragged out forever. If they’d opposed the idea, then I wouldn’t be in his house right now.
“Do you feel like sitting at the table to eat something?” Lynx asked. “The papers said you might have an upset stomach, so I made chicken with rice, and I held back on the seasoning for your portion.”
“I think I’d like to eat in the kitchen.”
He helped me up and kept hold of my waist as I went to the table. I didn’t feel like I’d fall or anything, but he seemed concerned. How could I have ever thought this man would do anything with the intent to harm me? I should have known he’d been an idiot and not meant to hurt my feelings.
Lynx pulled out my chair and I gingerly sat down. I felt a bit achy, and I’d been cramping. Although, I hadn’t thought to change the pad they’d given me at the hospital. The nurse mentioned it was important to keep it fresh to avoid infection. The problem was that I didn’t usually use them.
“I need something from the store,” I said.
“Whatever it is, I can get it or ask a Prospect to pick it up.”
My cheeks warmed. “It’s, um… pads. I need them until the bleeding stops. They said to change them often, so I’ll probably need a big package.”
He took out his phone and downloaded the app for the grocery store, then passed it over to me. “Order whatever you want or need. I’ll see if they offer delivery for today. If not, I’ll get someone to pick up the order.”
While I took bites of my dinner, which was better than I’d feared, I ordered the items I thought I’d need. Not only pads, but some yogurt and wheat bread as well. As much as I hoped I would be able to eat regularly by tomorrow, I wanted to be prepared. Toast and yogurt were both on my approved foods list.
Lynx took the phone back, paid for the order, then put the device away.
“They’ll drop it at the gates within the hour. I chose the express option so you wouldn’t have to wait long.”
“Thank you. You said you were calling my dad earlier. What did you tell him?”
He paused mid-bite. “I had to tell him about the baby, and the miscarriage. He was understandably worried. He’s on standby until I give the all-clear for meeting in Alabama. My sister also said for me to take care of you and just head that way whenever you’re comfortable and feel up to it.”
“How far is it?” I asked.
“It’s a really long drive. Full day on the road. I think we should break it up. Travel about five or six hours, then get a hotel room for the night. If you need me to break it up more, that’s not a problem. We can take as long to get there as we need to.”
He was being so sweet and understanding. I wasn’t sure where my alpha biker had gone, but I had to admit I liked this side of him too. It turned me on when he got a little bossy. The kinder side of him made me melt. No, I definitely couldn’t stay angry at him. Besides, it hadn’t entirely been his fault. I should have spoken up instead of running off the way I had. Neither of us were without blame.
“I could be ready to go in as little as two days, or it could be a week or more. They said everyone heals at a different pace,” I said.
“I talked to Atilla. He’s not sending me on any jobs or asking me to do anything around the compound for right now.” He reached over to place his hand on top of mine. “I’ll be here to help with whatever you need. If you want space, just tell me, and I’ll take a short walk outside or busy myself elsewhere in the house.”
“I wish I wasn’t the only old lady here.” I studied him. “How exactly is it that I became one so easily?”
“No one here has an issue with you, Merry. They knew I wanted you for my own, and there wasn’t a reason to deny my claim.”
I could think of one. My dad. Unless he’d known he’d be able to win over Grizzly. No, I didn’t think that was it. More like he hadn’t cared if my dad liked it or not because his only concern had been me.
“When you’re done, you can wash up if you’d like. The pads should be here by then. No reason we can’t call it a night a little early.”
“You’re coming to bed with me?”
He nodded. “I’ll hold you and we can talk, read, watch something… whatever you want.”
Sleep actually sounded nice. I hadn’t realized I was tired until now. I’d take a nice warm shower, put my pajamas on, and get some rest. Lynx could join me if he wanted to, as long as he didn’t care if I was awake or not.
We finished our meal, and that’s exactly what I did. I was asleep within a few minutes of crawling into bed.