Three days had passed since Graham had come over and she’d told him about William’s kiss. Three days since he had told her he’d talked to Jenna and felt humbled.
Three days since they’d put off yet another important conversation.
And though they hadn’t seen each other—Graham had work and Mattie had been busy with chores around the house—he was never far from her mind.
When he came over today, he’d been full of smiles, much like the Graham she’d known all her life. Easygoing, happy. Relaxed even though the weather outside seemed to get darker and the rain didn’t let up.
But as the minutes passed, Mattie began to realize Graham was still as troubled as he’d been Wednesday night. And still reluctant to share his burdens.
Though the stormy weather outside had her on edge, she doubted the storm warnings were the source of his edginess. They’d never worried him before.
“Graham, don’t you think it’s finally time we talked? Really talked?”
Instead of answering her right away, he clenched his hands.
Fear flew into her chest. Was he still thinking about everything she’d told him? Did he now think badly of her because of what had happened between her and William?
He opened his mouth, looking to be on the verge of speaking, but then closed his mouth again and shook his head. “I’m fine, Mattie. Please don’t worry. I’ve only had a long day.”
But his expression told a different story. His face looked so set in stone, it seemed as if a hard knock would crack his skin. With another person, she might have ignored her concerns. Tried not to be intrusive. But this was Graham. And he deserved her pushing—even if it might prove to be uncomfortable for them both. “I’ve had a long day, too. I spent a good three hours washing walls in our guest bedroom and helping wash comforters and quilts.” She shook her arms out. “My arms feel like they’re about to fall off. Time and again, things happen to remind me that my body still has a mighty long way to go to get back to normal.”
“You shouldn’t try to do so much.”
“I’m not complaining. Just trying to talk to you.” She gave him an encouraging smile. “So . . . what have you been doing? What caused your day to be so long?”
For a moment, she didn’t think he was going to answer. Then, leaning back, he crossed one foot over another knee and swallowed. “I went back to speak with Jenna today.”
Now it was her turn to feel like she was made of stone. Mattie quickly tried to steel herself for his news.
“You said when you talked to her last time you felt humbled. Are things better now?” Really, she was proud of herself for acting so nonchalant.
“Good enough,” he said with a sigh. “Well, I think so.” He shifted again, moving his leg off his other knee, bracing his elbows now on his knees. “I think we got some things ironed out.”
“Such as?”
“Well, I told her she’s going to have to tell everyone who the father is. Or at least, that it’s not me.”
That sounded like the very least Jenna could do! “Do you think she’ll do that?”
He shrugged. “I hope so. She said she would. I guess the man who she, uh, was with . . . is back in her life.”
“This is wunderbaar! If she tells everyone the truth, she’ll clear your name and we can go back to how things were.”
“I doubt they ever will be the same. I tell you what. I think some people are going to think the worst of me no matter what I say.” His eyes darkened. “Or what Jenna says now.”
Mattie noticed that the lines of tension around his mouth hadn’t eased a bit. Actually, he looked even more perturbed. “Graham, you’re going to have to learn to get control of your anger.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that.”
“Then I guess you’ll just have to try harder.”
“It’s not that easy, Mattie.”
“Believe me, I know that. For months after my cancer diagnosis, I wanted to be mad at everyone, but it wasn’t the right thing to do. I had to learn to ease my anger. Most of all, I had to learn to give my hurts and worries over to the Lord.”
“I’d gladly give this burden to the Lord, but it isn’t even my problem. Jenna’s baby isn’t mine.”
“I know that. But don’t you see, Graham? The baby was never the Lord’s trial for you. The gossip and losing your control over your reputation was.”
“Why would God give me something like this? It makes no sense.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t. But you don’t need to analyze it, Graham. I promise, I’ve learned the hard way that we all have burdens to shoulder. Some are more evident than others. If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it’s that it would be foolish to imagine that one person’s problems are more important than another’s. I’ve also learned that when times are tough, it’s best to depend on the only thing that is our constant: Faith.”
Hesitantly, she gazed at him. Please let me in, she silently pleaded. Please don’t push me away. Don’t put up more guards.
“Well, this is sure new for you,” he said sarcastically. “I didn’t know you’d made such a pact with the Lord.”
Well, he’d obviously made his choice. A deep sadness flowed through her as she realized that he was far from moving on. Instead, he was mired in his grief and anger.
Choosing her next words carefully, she said, “Graham, I haven’t made a pact with Him. I merely chose to listen.” Finally, she added silently.
“I’m not ready to do that. It might surprise you, but the other night I actually did pray and I asked Him for help. But He didn’t answer.”
“Maybe He did.”
He waved a hand. “Things aren’t better, Mattie. I don’t think He was of the mind to listen. Or at least not of the mind to do a thing about it.”
Mattie knew it would do no good to press him any longer. Graham had made up his mind, and was sticking to his decision, no matter what. “Where does this leave us?”
He blinked. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“I think you know.” Bracing herself, she dived in. “Graham, you told me that you cared for me. We kissed. I thought we would start courting . . .”
Her cheeks burned as he looked at her like he’d never seen her before. As if such a thing had never even occurred to him.
Just when she thought she couldn’t be more embarrassed, she felt the heat flow from her cheeks, down her neck, and across her chest.
“We can’t, Mattie,” he said finally.
“Because of the rumors?”
“Because of that. And because of where I am right now. Mattie, I’m so angry and confused right now, I don’t think I can be everything you need me to be.”
“Graham, all I want is for you to be yourself . . .”
“That wouldn’t be enough.”
As she thought back to all the times they had together . . . both the good and the bad, she shook her head. He’d been there for her when she could hardly get out of bed . . . and hardly get off the bathroom floor, she was so nauseous.
He’d teased her when she came home bald, and had given her hope when she thought she would never feel hopeful again. “I promise, Graham. Just for you to be you is always enough.”
A fierce, sweet yearning flashed in his gaze, giving Mattie hope . . . then, just as quickly, anger and desolation flew back.
“Not yet, Mattie. I can’t start pretending nothing in my life is wrong. Not when everything is.” And with that, Graham stood up. “I’m going to leave now. I think it would be best.”
“Yes. Probably so.”
“I hope you’re not too mad . . .”
“I’m fine.” Well, she would be. One day. “Don’t worry about me.”
He paused. For a brief moment, a flicker of something so familiar and sweet entered his gaze, bringing with it a thousand memories of easier times.
“I am sorry, Mattie. I’m sorry if you expected more.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she said simply, and looked at her folded hands on her lap when he paused, obviously looking for something to say. Giving up, he turned and walked away.
When her front door closed, she leaned her head against the back of the couch and breathed deep. Had she expected more?
Oh, yes.
Was she disappointed?
Definitely.
Was there anything she could do about it?
Of course.
Closing her eyes, she opened her heart. “Lord, I know you hear everything. I know You already know what is deep in my heart, and what is deep in Graham’s, too. If it’s your will, I could sure use some help. And, if you don’t mind, the sooner the better would be best. Amen.”
Half imagining God grumbling about her impatience, Mattie kept her eyes closed and breathed deep and smiled.
Oh, it felt so good to give up her burdens to the Lord!