Was Elana flirting with me, or is that merely wishful thinking? I look in the rear-view mirror and ask Joe the question. He looks up from his car seat, his index finger in his mouth covered in dribble.
‘San-ta.’ He states.
‘Yes, she could be Mrs Santa, Joe. Pretty perfect, really.’ I’m talking to myself, of course, as Joe stabs his finger at the window, leaving little snail trails of dribble.
And then there’s Lisa. When I received her text last night I didn’t know what to do. She’s suggested we meet up before the dreaded foursome and that we don’t tell Greg, or Cheryl. I tend to agree that it seemed like a sensible suggestion as the pressure is beginning to mount. Who wants to feel under scrutiny as you answer those inevitable introductory questions. But she’s suggesting tomorrow night and I can’t think of a reason why not, but I’m hesitating over committing. If I leave it much longer to reply then it will make it awkward. She knows I don’t tend to text when I’m working, so I hope she’ll just assume I’ll get back to her later today.
‘Mumma,’ Joe says and my head jerks up. We’re driving past a woman who looks nothing like Anita, except for her hair colouring.
‘We’ll see Mumma later, Joe.’ The last thing I want is for Joe to become upset because he’s missing his mum. ‘We’re going to Grandma’s house next.’
‘Gan-ma. Gan-ma.’ He chatters away in his own little language, but the first two words are very clear. ‘Dada.’
‘Yes, Joe. I’m Dada.’ And no one else is going to take on the role of a second dad. You might have another male influence in your life, but you can only ever have one real dad. It makes me think about kids whose dads walk away early on in their lives. Why would a man do that to their child? I’m beginning to learn how painful a split family life can be, but I’d never walk away. The thought of some guy taking my place if he moves in with Anita and Joe hurts like hell. It’s going to be hard to swallow a sense of bitterness. But that won’t help Joe, and every Saturday I’ll be there to make sure he never forgets that I love him and he’s my boy.
‘We’re here, Joe. Time for lots of cuddles with Grandma and Granddad.’
After several hours of playing on the floor and watching a nursery rhyme DVD, Joe ends up falling asleep next to me on the bed. We decide not to move him into the junior cot just yet. I’m happy enough to spend the evening next to him doing a little work on the iPad. I respond to Lisa and agree to meet her in a pizza place in town about an hour after I drop Joe off. I’ll pop home and change, but I won’t be dressing up. Just casual, but with a little more attention to detail, I suppose. It’s holey-sock day yet again, by the feel of it, and I wiggle my toes to confirm. I’m unlikely to be bringing her back here, so I think I’m safe. I really must go shopping one of these days because Elana is right, it’s just that I don’t feel comfortable buying stuff like that, or clothes in general. Too much choice and it’s ages since I bought anything new. Anita used to buy all my clothes as she was fussy about appearance. Hers and mine. Me, I guess I’m a bit of a slob by nature. I like stuff to be clean, but comfort comes first. But, most of all, what I need now in my life is a good woman and that’s not something I dreamt I’d be thinking about for a long time to come. I guess Anita moving on is doing me a favour; it’s certainly been a wake-up call.
***
Anita isn’t in the mood to talk and clearly she’s alone in the house. Handing Joe back is harder than I thought. Much harder than after our usual Saturday visit. Just being able to be with him at bedtime and when he woke up this morning reminded me of what I’m missing out on. I know there is no going back now, but Mum pointed out something yesterday that hadn’t occurred to me. If Anita decides to settle down with this new guy in her life, maybe she will be looking to have more one-on-one quality time with him and be prepared to let me have Joe more often. Starting a new relationship with someone else’s child as a part of the bargain isn’t the easiest of situations. Maybe the thought of Joe being around all the time will be something he has to get used to. Mum said I shouldn’t fall into the trap of making assumptions and basically repeated what Elana had said. It was actually a little depressing, as it made me wonder if I brought out Elana’s mothering instinct. She’s attractive and I’m attracted to her, despite trying my hardest not to be. I’m getting confusing signals as her body language is saying one thing, but I think her head is telling her something else.
I’m fooling myself if I think I have what it takes to attract a woman like Elana. She’s used to a man who had his life and career sorted; someone she could look up to. But my feelings aren’t just physical and if I don’t watch out I’m going to get hurt. Besides, there are widows who never remarry, although she’s so young and vibrant that would be such a waste. Not just for her, but also for Maya, as it was obvious that Joe and me being there yesterday really lifted their spirits.
Anyway, as Mum said, I shouldn’t make assumptions and that applies to thinking about Elana, also. Would she even look at a builder, someone whose hands are rarely smooth and unblemished; usually sporting traces of paint or filler that can take a while to wear off. No doubt her husband was more intellectual: Mr Nine-to-Five with a big salary. Okay, one day Dad will retire and I’ll run the business, but it’s never going to make a fortune. Hopefully it will be enough to allow me to afford a mortgage on a decent house and continue to provide for Joe and Anita.
There’s no point in dwelling over things I can’t have and I’m an idiot to keep dreaming about Elana. I guess life is all about grabbing whatever opportunities come your way and making the most of them. If something doesn’t work out then that’s life, getting angry or frustrated about it doesn’t help anyone. And I’m going to have to empty my head of all this stuff, as when Lisa arrives I need to pay attention. I haven’t even given Lisa a real chance and yet, in theory, everything checks out. She’s attractive, mature enough to handle Joe being in my life, sensitive and age-wise she’s only a couple of years’ younger. Elana isn’t even an option for me, so why can’t I let go of that thought?
I glance over the menu, glad we decided to come here because at least talking over a meal makes it a little less awkward.
‘Hope there’s something veggie on there.’
I look up to see Lisa staring down at me and she hovers, clearly expecting me to stand to greet her. Should I shake her hand? Before I can consider it, she leans in to give me a hug. I manage to respond in a similar fashion so it appears, I hope, that it was my intention, also.
‘Have you been waiting long?’
‘Ten minutes. The traffic was lighter than I thought. Maybe everyone is all shopped-out and Sunday evening in front of the TV beckons.’
‘Well, lucky us, then. Meeting someone interesting always beats watching a re-run or the latest reality TV show.’
I try not to make a snap judgement. She’s probably nervous. I know I am.
‘You still haven’t told Cheryl we were meeting up? Greg doesn’t know yet either’
‘I think that’s for the best. Actually I prefer speed-dating, if I’m honest. It’s a great idea. Anyway, tonight we might decide we really get on and want to go ahead with our double date.’
Speed-dating? Does that mean we fire questions at each other and only get five minutes to make a decision? She’s beginning to make me feel very old, or maybe I mean old-fashioned.
‘So, what’s it like having a son? You must tell me all about him. I still can’t believe you’re a dad.’
By the end of the evening I realise just how nervous Lisa was at the start, and once she relaxed it wasn’t some quick test but a genuine ‘tell me more about yourself’. The result was that she didn’t make me want to run away screaming, but it was too early to say whether there was a real connection between us. You know what I mean, that little quiver of excitement that keeps on building, if you are lucky. Or it goes away and you realise the spark was just that initial little surge of hope that this person could become someone special.
She was genuinely interested in Joe, very sensitive about avoiding questions regarding Anita, and quite open about her own situation. She left me with a question that I couldn’t answer, so I said I’d think about it and let her know.
‘Most guys I meet are rather boring, or into football – which I hate, or are looking for a one-night stand. What are your top three turn-offs in a woman?’
At that point I said I needed to give it some thought and for some reason that seemed to impress her. If only I could get Elana out of my head, then maybe I could give Lisa the chance she deserves.