The good days with her mum were like the circus coming to town. They were never normal days like other people might have where they went to Tesco or took the dog for a walk. They were always these crazy, fun-packed days. Where she’d wake and find her mum already up and making stacks of cherry pancakes and maple syrup. She’d have borrowed Enid’s canoe and packed it with supplies of popping candy and Dandelion & Burdock. They’d paddle up the river to some little cove and go swimming in just their underwear and her mum would find frogs and toads under stones and hold them in her hands until they jumped away. She’d pull a kite out from nowhere and they’d run to the top of the hill to fly it and then play tennis and hire bikes and eat nothing but fresh raspberries from the bushes all day. Whatever she saw, her mum would do. If there was a pedalo on a lake, they’d pedal. If there were horse-riding lessons, they’d ride. If there was a car showroom with an old Jaguar to test drive, they’d be off on the open road.
And Jane had to be constantly prepared for these days because, otherwise, if she wasn’t, if they took her by surprise, she might miss a precious second of them. It was like every day she was wound up, ready, waiting.
Of course a life where someone made sure she had three meals a day, clean clothes and regular dentist appointments would probably have been better - be the more normal life that she had craved so often at the time. But those good days with her mum…
Jane realised then that everything that had followed - the dementia, the anger, the ageing and responsibility - had made her almost forgot this stuff. Those heady days that were like being handed rubies. Infinitely precious and rare enough to leave her always craving more.
‘Swimming?’ Will said. ‘As in, in the lake swimming?’
‘Why not?’ Jane asked. ‘It’s hot still, we’ll dry out.’
‘You’re mad.’
She laughed. ‘No I’m not,’ she said, holding tightly onto that gossamer-thin thread of impetuousness that her mother had inspired. Knowing her instinct was to shake her head and say that he was right, to lie back down and stare up at the stars instead. But she was going for it. She was clinging onto the thread her mother had left her because tonight was about everything she never normally did as just Jane. ‘It’s just sometimes it’s more fun than you can imagine – doing something unexpected.’
Will scratched his neck and looked dubiously out at the lake, then back at Jane who was slipping her sandals on so she could walk over the pebbly path. ‘You’re seriously going to swim in the lake?’
She nodded.
‘Oh for god’s sake,’ he said with a resigned sigh. ‘I should have gone to dinner with Heidi.’ Then he stood up, poured himself another slug of wine which he downed in one and said, ‘Fine. OK. Come on then. You win.’
And Jane felt her mouth stretch wide into a smile as she walked over to the edge of the lake, in view of all the restaurant diners, and took off sandals, her jeans, her white top and waded out into the freezing water of the lake till she was swimming.
‘Oh Jesus Christ,’ she heard Will say. ‘We’re going to get arrested.’
She turned over onto her back and watched him as he awkwardly undressed. ‘We’re not going to get arrested,’ she said, ‘The worst that will happen is that they shout at us.’
All the restaurant diners were watching and pointing. One of the waiters had come to the door and she saw Will give him a resigned shrug before he too waded into the icy water in his black boxers and then dived beneath the surface.
He came up just next to her with a splash, his hair wet to his head, his teeth almost chattering. ‘Shit it’s cold,’ he said.
‘You’ll warm up,’ she replied and, flipping over, swam right out to the centre and then rolled onto her back to look up at the stars.
With the sun gone, the people on the bank were shadows pointing to where they were swimming. Will front-crawled over to join her and dunked her under the surface as soon as he got there. She came up spluttering.
‘That’s not part of the fun,’ she said, coughing up water.
‘It is for me,’ he laughed. ‘This is amazing. I feel like I’m about ten years old.’
‘See, it’s nice.’
‘Yeah.’ He nodded in agreement.
It occurred to her how close they were. How close and how semi-naked. While in the middle of a public lake, the darkness of the sky and the black of the liquid made it feel like it was just them, almost nose to nose.
Will seemed to sense it too. He’d gone quiet. She brushed her hair away from her face and tried to think of a distraction. But Will got there first, his mouth spreading into a smile as he said, ‘Come on, I’ll race you to the other side.’
And the weird close moment was gone.
They messed around for maybe ten minutes before the waiter came out and shouted, ‘Will, the warden’s on his way.’ Which had them at the edge and out within seconds, bundling up their clothes and making a dash for the bushes to get changed.
Jane shivered in the darkness as she tried to dry herself with her jeans. ‘I’m freezing.’
‘Yeah me too,’ said Will. ‘Do you want my jacket?’
She caught his eye as she looked up and shook her head, ‘No you’re all right, thanks.’
‘Honestly, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a gesture to keep you warm. And if you don’t use it I can’t use it because then I’ll feel bad and unchivalrous for being warm when you’re not, so you may as well take it because otherwise it’ll just go on the floor.’
Jane had to laugh. ‘OK, thank you, I’ll take it.’
‘Good,’ he said, handing her the jacket with a satisfied look on his face. ‘See, you’re learning.’
They walked through the park in the direction of The Ritz, their clothes sticking to their backs and their bodies drying in the tepid evening warmth. Jane didn’t want it to end but she didn’t want to ask him to stay out any longer and it was starting to get late. She’d usually be brushing her teeth ready for bed at this time. Neither of them spoke as they walked.
She tried to think of different ways she could casually ask him if he wanted to go for a coffee or another drink, or actually for some food. She hadn’t eaten dinner. There had been many nights in her life when she’d gone to bed with no dinner, when her mum hadn’t bought any food or just wasn’t in any mood to cook, but none when she’d forgotten to eat purely out of fun.
‘I’m really hungry,’ she said, almost without thinking, with none of the planning that she’d been putting in re asking him for another drink.
‘Yeah, me too.’
They were walking through Green Park.
‘We could go somewhere on Piccadilly?’ he said. ‘The Wolseley will still be open. Or…’ He paused.
‘Or what?’ she asked.
‘We could have room service at The Ritz. You’re staying there, right?’
She turned and looked at him to see if this was all some great ploy to get her into bed, but his face was impassive. And Jane had absolutely no idea what constituted flirting or hints at attraction any longer. She knew they’d been getting on, but she also knew she was as far from Will’s type as she could possibly be and the way he said it seemed more just like it’d be a kinda fun thing to do, like swimming in the lake.
‘Well at least we could get dry that way,’ she said.
‘Exactly,’ he agreed, and then he slung his arm over her shoulder as if they were in cahoots over a plan.
And as they walked, she realised how dangerously addictive such closeness could be.