“I’m glad you decided to come.”
I was at Elliot’s house for another meeting of the Sigma Epsilon Omega interest group—the first step in forming a local chapter of the fraternity.
“Dad said I needed to get out of the house,” I said as he led me from the front door and back into the main room of the quirky little Victorian row house in Oakland that he shared with his college roommates. Elliot stopped, turned and gave me a wry look.
“What? Costco was closed?” he said.
“I... I... didn’t mean... ” I stammered.
Elliot put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a friendly squeeze.
“That’s okay,” he said warmly. “I know what you meant.”
I followed Elliot through the stair hall and into the front parlor. A number of young men I recognized from the last visit were lounging about, along with a couple of new faces.
“Hey everyone, look who made it!” Elliot announced brightly. A roomful of faces turned my way. “You already know most of these guys,” he told me.
As you might expect, I have a good memory, and I exchanged glances with Bobby, Trent, Ahmet, Michael, Randy and Liwei. I said hi and tried my best to smile, and everyone smiled back, but the vibe in the room seemed just a little bit off.
“Excuse me a moment,” I said. I gestured to Elliot and he followed me back out to the hallway. I kept my voice low.
“You told them, didn’t you?”
“Oh... well, yeah,” Elliot said hesitantly. “You didn’t want me to?”
“I guess it doesn’t matter,” I said with a shrug.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “We just want to be supportive.”
Looking at Elliot’s sympathetic expression it struck me what I sensed as I first walked into the room—pity. The forced smiles, the knowing looks. I understood then why Tanner didn’t like to tell anyone about his medical issues—the whole dynamic with others is changed, and not for the better.
“C’mon,” Elliot said, putting his hand on my back and guiding me back into the room.
“Hi, everybody,” I said. Bobby and Trent were snuggled together at the end of the sofa with Ahmet on the other end. Michael, Randy and Liwei were seated around the room along with a couple of new faces on an assortment of ottomans and old kitchen chairs. Elliot directed me to a tattered old armchair and pulled a folding chair from behind the door for himself.
“Now that we’re all here, let me introduce our two newcomers,” Elliot said. “This is Charles,” referring to a tall, slender young man with a black emo hairstyle and a nose ring, “and this is also Charles,” pointing out an athletic-looking guy with curly brown hair and impressive stubble.
“You can call me Chuck,” said the curly-headed one.
“And you can call me... Dante,” said the emo. There was a momentary pause as Charles AKA Dante scanned the room as if he were expecting someone to challenge him.
“O... kay,” Elliot continued. “As you can see, if Chuck and, uh, Dante decide to join us, we’ll have ten pledges.”
“Is it true you’re just sixteen?” Dante asked.
The question caught me off guard, and for a moment I didn’t realize that Dante was speaking to me.
“Oh... yeah. That’s right.” I said.
“You must be quite the prodigy,” Dante said, “starting college at such a tender age.” He had his focus locked on me, and I was too inexperienced to understand that he was flirting. Instead, he just seemed a little creepy.
“Oh yeah,” Michael spoke up. “The kid here probably has more brains than the rest of us put together. You’ve been admitted as a Junior, haven’t you, Ryan?”
“Sophomore, actually. I took some AP classes for college credits... ”
Elliot sensed my discomfort.
“Why don’t we get the meeting business out of the way and then we can chat all we want?” he said. “I’m going to call the meeting to order.”
The business was all the boring stuff you might expect—getting flyers printed and tacked up around campus, manning a table at Freshman Orientation—blah, blah, blah. Everyone listened to Elliot politely and had a number of good ideas, but every time I happened to glance over at Dante, he was looking at me and I would quickly look away. Flustered as I was, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that his boyish good looks and his skinny goth look didn’t intrigue me.
When the meeting was over, it was barely eight o’clock, and Elliot convinced me to hang around for a while. He had a pool table in the basement, so I followed him downstairs with the rest of the group. I was sipping a can of soda, leaning against the wall with Elliot watching Michael and Chuck play a game of eight-ball when he tried again to get some information about Tanner.
“You’ve probably heard this from your parents a thousand times,” Elliot began, “but we’re not trying to be nosy. We just care about you.”
“I know,” I said with a sigh. Elliot looked at me for a moment or two before making a gesture that roughly meant okay—you can start any time.
“I was supposed to visit him today, but he called me this morning to say his stomach was bothering him, and that unless I liked disgusting smells, it might be better to give him another day. At least the pain is a lot better. He’s off the Vicodin.”
“Opioids can be quite constipating,” Dante said. I hadn’t noticed him walk up behind me.
“We can talk about this later,” Elliot said.
“I’m sorry,” Dante said. “You two were talking about something personal, and I butted in.” His apologetic tone and respectful manner suddenly made Dante seem a lot less creepy.
“No, that’s okay,” I said. “I think I feel better talking about it.”
“Ryan’s boyfriend is seriously ill,” Elliot said.
“Oh, my god,” Dante said. “I had no idea. It’s not... it isn’t... ”
“It’s not AIDS,” Elliot said.
“That was stupid of me,” Dante said. “I should leave you two... ”
“He has osteosarcoma,” I said. Dante gave me a puzzled look. “Bone cancer.”
“Tanner is Ryan’s first boyfriend,” Elliot said.
What happened next was the strangest thing. Dante’s eyes started to glisten, and without warning, he pulled me in for a hug.
Driving home that evening, I took stock of what happened at the meeting and the socializing afterword, and my eyes started to well up, much the same as with Dante. What I had taken for pity turned out to be honest concern. A person that on first glance I’d dismissed as a weirdo turned out to be a really nice guy that just has an alternative fashion sense. I was so used to being the freak, but this gathering of young men acted like I was the most important person in the room. Before I left, Elliot pulled me aside and said that he was serious about this frat being different—really developing leaders and providing a solid support system for a segment of the student body that at times sorely needed it. He told me that whatever happened, they’d all be there for me.
“He’s been looking forward to seeing you,” Evie said as she let me in.
“He sounded good on the phone,” I answered.
I followed Evie down the hall of their interesting little Mid-Century Modern house toward Tanner’s bedroom. As we got closer I could hear a video game console and the occasional whoop and swear word. When we reached the end of the hall, Evie stepped back and let me pass through the doorway.
“Tanner, sweetie, you have company,” she said.
My boyfriend was putting his all into killing zombies, and he was looking well. Downright fine, actually, as he was only wearing a pair of cargo shorts as he sat in his gaming chair. A pair of crutches lay on the floor beside him. He glanced my way and instantly broke into a grin. Tanner paused the game, and I did my best not to swoon.
“Ry-Ry!” he shouted, reaching out for my hand and pulling me in for a kiss. In my limited experience, I thought Tanner had the most beautiful body in the world and at that moment, my loins wholeheartedly agreed. I was at a loss to figure out what an amazing hunk like him saw in a nerdy little Asian boy.
“Put a shirt on, Tanner, you have a guest,” Evie said.
“I’m sure Ry-Ry doesn’t mind,” he said with a sly grin.
“Well, uh, I really don’t... ” I babbled. By now, Tanner had me pulled down until I was seated next to him on the floor.
“Tanner... ” Evie reiterated.
While I was trying to hide my thrill at seeing Tanner’s bare torso, he reached over and grabbed a nearby t-shirt, but not without stealing another kiss in the process. Evie’s presence was becoming problematic as I breathlessly watched Tanner’s muscular back flare out while he put his arms above his head and pull on the shirt. As he did, his familiar YOLO tattoo just below his armpit seemed to jump out at me.
“And leave the door open,” she added.
“I’ll be eighteen in a month, you know.”
“That’s what worries me,” Evie retorted. “Ryan, dear, there’s sodas and juice in that little cooler. I got tired of waiting on His Highness here.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
As soon as Evie was safely out of the room, Tanner scooted sideways off his chair and sat down next to me on the floor. He leaned back against the side of the bed as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. I snuggled up against his warm, strong chest with one hand over his heart and the other around his waist.
“I missed you,” I said.
“I missed you, too,” Tanner said before we exchanged another kiss.
“How do you feel?”
“Honestly? Not bad.”
“What about your leg?”
“It’s still pretty sore, but I can get by now just with Tylenol.”
“Can I see?”
“You promise you won’t take advantage of the situation?”
“No.”
“Well, all right then.”
Tanner turned toward me slightly and pulled up the cuff of his shorts. The oozing had apparently stopped and Tanner wasn’t wearing a bandage over the incision. The angry-looking wound was puffy and swollen, but while it had been moist and bloody when I saw it briefly at the hospital, now it was covered by a healthy dark scab.
“Does it itch?”
“Only when someone asks,” Tanner answered with mock exasperation.
“Sorry.”
“I get my staples out tomorrow. Wanna come?”
“Tempting, but no.”
“You don’t know what you’re missing.”
“And I like it that way.”
It was good to have the sassy Tanner back.
We sat and cuddled and exchanged a few more kisses for a few minutes before Tanner spoke again.
“So,” he began, obviously getting ready to address the elephant in the room, “you’re probably wondering what happens next.”
“I don’t know, Tanner,” I said, my voice catching slightly. “You’re so much stronger than me.”
“Well, duh,” he said, flexing his bicep.
I gave a little grin, despite myself.
“You know what I mean,” I said. “I have to work every second to keep from going to pieces.” I could feel the tears starting to well up.
“I just have a little more experience, is all,” he answered. “I put on a pretty good show. My specialty is gallows humor.”
“Dammit, Tanner!” I blurted, trying to pull away. “Don’t talk that way!”
Tanner easily drew me closer and with his free hand gently pulled my head against his strong shoulder. The tears were flowing freely now.
“Oh, Ry-Ry,” he murmured soothingly in my ear. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry... please?”
“I need a tissue,” I said with a sniffle. Tanner gently wiped the tears from under my eyes with his thumb.
“There,” he said. “How’s that?”
“I still need a tissue,” I said, “unless you want me to blow my nose on your shirt.”
With a chuckle, Tanner reached up and took a tissue from the box on his night stand. He started to wipe my nose.
“I can do this,” I said, snatching the tissue from him. I blew the snot from my nose, folded the tissue and wiped my eyes. “I think I need another.” Tanner handed me another tissue and I gave my eyes a more thorough wipe.
“You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen,” he said. “They’re like deep, dark, mysterious pools.”
“There’s a line if I ever heard one,” I said.
“And you’re the voice of experience exactly how?”
“It doesn’t take a genius.”
“That explains a lot, Mr. Genius.”
“Shut up.”
“Seriously,” Tanner continued, “it’s what first caught my attention, those eyes. Well, that and your cute little butt.”
“Wait, my... ”
“Ass. That’s right. The first time I saw you in your running shorts I had impure thoughts.”
“Eew.”
“In fact, I’m having them right now.”
“Eew!”
“Oh, come off it,” Tanner said playfully. “You’ve lusted after my body from the moment you saw me. It was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen.”
“What? No... ”
“Ry-Ry... ”
“Just because you’re a horndog doesn’t mean... ”
“You think about me when you beat off, don’t you?”
“Now that’s just... ”
“C’mon, admit it.”
We locked gazes for a few moments trying to stare each other down. I blinked first and quickly turned away.
“Yes,” I murmured.
“What was that?”
“I said yes!” I shouted. “Thanks for playing another round of Let’s Mortify Ryan! Tune in again tomorrow!”
I tried to get to my feet, but once again Tanner was too strong. He pulled me in close for another kiss, and that calmed me down. After a few more kisses I was much more relaxed.
“At least we’ve gotten past the point where I want to slug you every time,” I said after catching my breath.
“I guess that’s progress,” Tanner said with a smirk.
We sat in silence for a few minutes with my head on Tanner’s shoulder and my hand over his heart before I decided to try again.
“So, what are you going to do?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. I felt Tanner’s chest rise as he took a deep breath and I steeled myself for the worst.
“I’ve talked it over with my folks,” he began, “and I think we’re going to give it one more go.”
I held my breath, hoping that I understood correctly.
“You... you mean you’re going to fight?”
“Uh-huh. Pop’s had all my test results sent back to my old oncologist back in Texas. He’s been talking to him almost every day since.”
I couldn’t contain my glee and I threw my arms around Tanner and squeezed as hard as I could.
“Thank you,” I said as I started to sob, my face buried in Tanner’s chest.
Tanner put his arms around me and started gently rocking.
“This isn’t a sure thing, you know,” he whispered in my ear
“I know,” I said. “But it’s still a thing.”