About a week after the trip, Tanner officially entered home hospice. The hospice people would take care of all of Tanner’s needs, making him as comfortable as possible and easing the burden on Lou and Evie. Part of the service was supposed to be the delivery of a hospital bed, but Tanner pitched a fit and sent them away.
Tanner’s vision was still a little blurry in one eye. His doctor told him that the same lesion on his brain affecting his vision had started swelling at the high altitude, causing the temporary numbness. Tanner made me promise not to tell anyone about our misadventure, but that left me wondering about what I was going to do about my citation for being in the wilderness area. It was simple enough for Tanner to just ignore his, but at some point I’d have to face the music. I knew my folks would be furious, and I’d never live it down with Arnie.
I mentioned this to my boyfriend as we were having a picnic lunch in People’s Park, near the University. It was a clear, crisp December day. It promised to be above seventy degrees by the afternoon, and Tanner was determined to spend as much time outdoors as he could.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Ry-Ry,” he said, “except honesty is the best policy.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
In the days since we’d returned, Tanner had been gently but insistently prodding me to embrace gallows humor, and I have to say, he was right. It was a hell of a lot better making jokes than just sitting around all day wringing my hands.
“I was planning to leave you my ticket in my will. I know you’ll be happy to pay it.”
“I’ll tape it to your headstone.”
Tanner chuckled.
“Actually, I was thinking of leaving my body to science.”
“You’re not serious.”
“Why not? What else is it good for after I’m done with it?”
“What about your parents? They wouldn’t have any place to leave flowers.”
“I don’t know, Ry-Ry. That whole cemetery thing gives me the creeps. I’m not even sure I want a funeral.”
“That’s going to disappoint a lot of people.”
“It’s a needless ritual.”
“No, it’s not. It’s important.”
“Not to me.”
I started to look away, but Tanner put his arm around me and pulled me close.
“Oh, Ry-Ry,” he said, “don’t go all pouty on me.”
“I’m not pouty,” I said. I was definitely pouty.
Tanner smiled and gave me a kiss. “Do whatever you want, Ry-Ry,” he said sweetly. “Whatever makes you feel better.”
We both lay back on our blanket and held hands in the sunshine as we watched the clouds drift by. I felt myself relax as we idly tried to pick out different shapes. Tanner’s descriptions started to get dirty and soon he had me laughing out loud. When we were done giggling, Tanner moved and rested his head on my chest and I stroked his silky blond hair.
“I’ll tell you what, Ry-Ry,” Tanner said after a companionable silence.
“What?”
“It’s non-negotiable.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “A few minutes ago, you told me to do anything I wanted.”
“The funeral—just one thing.”
“I don’t know if you’re in much of a position to dictate terms.”
“I don’t think you’ll mind.”
“Okay, what?”
“No bagpipes.”
That day turned out to be the last time we went out together. Tanner was starting to experience significant pain. Pills weren’t enough anymore, and he had to go to an IV. For a while, that was okay, too. We watched a lot of movies and football, played a lot of video games and chatted a lot with Lou and Evie. Tanner had a button he could push if he needed an extra shot of morphine. He called it his joy buzzer.
I was spending nearly all my waking hours over at Tanner’s house by now. Mom or Dad would stop by almost every day to say hello, but I think they were really just checking to see how I was holding up. Lou quipped that he was going to start charging me room and board. I helped Evie put up some Christmas decorations, but at Tanner’s request, we didn’t have a tree or exchange gifts.
By now, Tanner was too weak to leave his bedroom. I would typically wait until mid-morning before I’d show up—Tanner preferred I waited until his parents and the hospice nurse got him cleaned up for the day. When I would arrive, Tanner would be propped up with pillows like a maharajah and ready to receive visitors.
“Whatcha got there, Ry-Ry?” he asked one morning as I was sitting down.
“I forgot to return this,” I said, handing my boyfriend his copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
“Oh yeah. I was thinking just the other day I needed to get that back from my deadbeat boyfriend.” Tanner rolled his eyes sarcastically and held the book up with one hand. “I never know when I might need this.” I half expected Tanner to tell me to keep it, but instead he set it on his bedside table.
“Well, I just... I thought... ”
Tanner reached over and put his hand to my cheek.
“You are such a boy scout,” he said with a grin.
I was feeling emotionally fragile those days, but Tanner seemed to have an innate sense of just how far he could push when he was teasing me.
I was expecting it to take longer. No, that’s not quite true—I didn’t know what to expect. I learned that Tanner’s illness was following what is referred to as the typical metastatic progression. In just a few days, Tanner went from cheerful and alert to desperately tired and weak. A hospice worker cared for him, but she went home at night. I offered to stay the night and help out, but Lou told me he and Evie could handle it.
The call came about two in the morning. My already racing heart ratcheted up a notch higher when I saw the caller ID.
“He’s asking for you,” Lou said softly.
This is a good thing, I told myself as I hurriedly pulled on some clothes. Lou could have been calling for a... much worse reason. As I was hurrying down the hall, Mom poked her head out of my parents’ bedroom.
“What is it honey?” she asked. Mom was clutching the front of her nighty, her expression full of concern.
“Lou says Tanner wants me,” I said.
Mom held her hand out. I took hers in mine and she pulled me in for a hug, and then gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“Drive carefully,” she said. I gave her a kiss and then hurried down the stairs.
Lou was waiting for me at the door as I came up the front walk. I followed him down the hall, but just before we got to Tanner’s door, he stopped me.
“He’s still lucid,” Lou murmured, his voice remarkably steady. “It won’t be long, now.” He took a step back so I could enter the bedroom.
My breath caught in my throat, and I struggled to keep my composure. Evie was sitting next to the bed, holding her son’s hand. Tanner’s face was gaunt and drawn, his complexion pale. His eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow. He was taking oxygen, but he didn’t look distressed. Evie looked up, and then turned back to her son.
“Sweetheart,” she said as she squeezed Tanner’s hand, “Ryan is here.”
Tanner’s eyes fluttered open and he looked around the room. When he saw me, he smiled and held out his hand.
“Ry-Ry,” he said weakly.
I took my boyfriend’s hand and sat down on the edge of the bed across from Evie. Lou sat down in Tanner’s desk chair. Tanner let go of his mother’s hand for a moment, reached up and pulled on the front of my shirt. I leaned over and we kissed.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” he said.
“Why would you think that?”
Tanner smiled again.
“Because you’re sensitive,” he said. “I worried it might be too much for you.”
“No. Of course not,” I lied.
“I want you to do something.”
“Of course.”
“I want you to live my life for me.”
“I-I don’t understand... ”
“Maybe I should say it a little different. I want you to live your life. For me.”
I must have looked pretty confused, because that familiar smirk was back. With difficulty, he scooted over to the far side of the bed.
“C’mere,” he said, gesturing that he wanted me to lie beside him. I looked to Lou and Evie, and they both nodded. I leaned down and rolled onto my side with my head resting on Tanner’s shoulder, and he put his arm around me. He tenderly rubbed my back for a few minutes as I listened to his labored breathing. I put my hand over his heart. I started to cry.
“It’s okay to be sad,” Tanner said quietly. Tears streamed down my face onto his shoulder. “But you have your whole life ahead of you.” That sent me into wracking sobs.
Tanner reached up and pulled me closer. “Shh... ” he said, and then kissed the top of my head. “You have such a bright future, Ry-Ry.”
“N-not... h-helping... ” was all I could manage to say. I heard Lou move his chair next to Evie.
“You’ll probably win the Nobel Prize.”
I could no longer speak—all I could do was weep.
“I want you to live a good life, Ry-Ry,” Tanner said, “a happy life. You’re warm and caring, cute and funny—and smart. Really, really smart. You deserve happiness, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it.
“Every time something happens that makes you happy, I want you to say to yourself, this is good—this is right—this is what Tanner wants.”
For the next couple of hours, it was all about me. Tanner asked me about every conceivable aspect of my future—what I wanted to accomplish at school, careers I was considering, where I might like to live, what I liked in boys, my goals in the gym—even the kind of person I might want as my life partner.
Lou and Evie sat quietly by as we talked. Evie would occasionally leave to remoisten the cloth she used to wipe Tanner’s brow to keep him comfortable, while Lou held his son’s hand.
“I need to rest for a little bit, Ry-Ry,” Tanner said at last. I started to get up. “Don’t go.”
I stayed on the bed next to my boyfriend listening to him breathe. His breathing was increasingly shallow.
Gently, peacefully, Tanner Cruz passed from this life.
I pulled back into my driveway just as the sun was coming up. The three of us had cried and held each other in Tanner’s bedroom, and then Evie carefully arranged her son in a position of peaceful repose and gave him one last kiss. We sat together at the kitchen table for at least another hour until Lou felt I was composed enough to drive myself home. I told them I was honored and grateful to be included at such an intimate moment in their lives.
Mom and Dad were waiting for me at the front door, and each of them gave me a hug before we spoke.
“He’s gone,” was all I could say. We all went inside and shut the door.
Christmas was three days later, and needless to say, it wasn’t very merry. We went ahead with our gifts and Christmas dinner, but it was a hollow experience. Mom, Dad and Arnie were all unsure of how to act around me, so not only was the situation sad, it was awkward as well. Any time I felt even an inkling of holiday cheer, I thought about Lou and Evie all alone that day, and those thoughts were as good as ground under my heel.
Late that afternoon came a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” Arnie said. Desperate for anything to lighten the mood, he’d asked Cindy to come over. I looked up for a moment and then went back to absently staring at whatever happened to be on TV. There was a muffled exchange at the door, but I didn’t pick up that it was only male voices.
“Hello Ryan.”
I looked up from the TV and was startled to see Lou standing on the other side of the room. Arnie wore a befuddled expression that showed he didn’t have a clue what to do next.
“Um, hi, Lou.”
“Can I sit down?”
“Okay.”
Lou turned to Arnie with a benign look.
“Could you excuse us?” he asked.
“Oh, yeah. Sure.” Arnie went into the kitchen. When we were alone, Lou came over and sat down in Dad’s armchair. He was holding a paper shopping bag in one hand and a small wrapped gift in the other.
“How are you feeling?” Lou asked. I searched a moment for the right words.
“Numb, I guess. It’s almost like it’s not real. You?”
“Sad,” he said. “Sad, but grateful.”
I was clueless what he meant, and Lou picked up on it.
“Grateful for the time we had with our amazing son,” he continued, “and grateful that he found you.”
I burst into tears. Lou set down his items, moved over next to me on the couch and pulled me into a tight hug.
“Let it out,” he said. I clung to Lou as if my life depended on it. I could feel his body wrack with the occasional sob.
When we were done crying, Lou picked up a box of tissues I’d been keeping at the ready. As we got ourselves cleaned up, I heard a trio of sniffles and the occasional sob from the kitchen. Lou gestured toward the items on the coffee table.
“These are from Tanner,” he said. I had to work mightily to avoid another cloudburst. “He made me promise to give them to you.”
Lou pulled the first item from the sack and put it in my hands.
“This was his last wrestling trophy,” he said.
“I couldn’t... ”
“The kid had tons of ’em,” he said. “We won’t miss one.”
“Well, okay.”
“Evie and I thought you should have these, too.” Lou pulled the binoculars from the bag. I started to choke up again.
“Tanner wanted you to have this.” Lou handed me the small wrapped package. I tore off the cartoon-reindeer paper and found Tanner’s copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
“He wrote something in it,” Lou said. “I didn’t look—he said it was personal.”
I opened the flyleaf and saw an inscription in Tanner’s neat handwriting.
Dear Ry-Ry,
Don’t be a wallflower.
Love, Tanner XXOO
I held the book close to my chest for a minute.
“I promise.”