It was brutal.

The questions, the stares, the way people spoke to me. It was worse than I could have prepared for.

I haven’t been able to get out of bed since, curled up in the same spot, crying. “Elise will be here soon,” Abigail says once she’s entered the room and is sitting on the edge of the bed. She strokes my hair, and tries to offer me water.

“I can’t believe by the time we left, there were all those people outside, waiting for me.”

“The media?” she asks. “That was only a small gathering of them.”

That makes me feel even worse, knowing more and more will find out about me and want to talk to me. They were shoving things in front of my face, and yelling questions at me. Bright lights were aimed at me, and I felt like I was their prey. Abigail did the best she could, keeping me away from them. I didn’t understand what was happening until she explained who they were and what they wanted. They’re called “media,” and when there’s a ”story” they all flock to it so they can report it. Apparently, I’m a story. I don’t feel like it though. “Will it ever stop?” I ask.

“Not for a while,” she replies honestly. I wish she’d lie and tell me they’ll leave me alone. “But we’re going to try and keep them quiet.” I don’t know what she means, and at this stage, I don’t care either.

I burst into tears again, with regret for leaving God’s Haven. “I should’ve just stayed in God’s Haven. If I didn’t leave…”

“Luna,” Abigail pauses and lets out a sigh. “Staying there wasn’t healthy.”

“And neither is this.” I point toward outside, referring to the media. “They were ruthless.” Abigail smiles at me. “Why are you smiling? This isn’t funny.”

“It’s not funny to me either. But you said a word that I don’t think you would’ve known inside the wall. You just said ‘ruthless’ and used it in the correct way. You said it because you’ve been reading, and sounding words, and learning what they mean. You wouldn’t have been able to do that in God’s Haven. Yes, they’ll be ruthless, but you…” She smiles again, and shakes her head. “You’re unbelievably intelligent and so damn fierce. I’ve never met anyone who has so much fire and spirit. You’ve been through so much, yet you keep on going. You chose to leave them, you walked for miles to get away, you made that choice. You, sweet Luna, are so brave. Whatever those media people throw at you, you can hold your head high and know they can’t do anything to you because you’ve already survived so much more.”

“I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel anything but regret for leaving.”

“That’s because they’re getting to you. You have to prepare yourself for anything that’s going to happen.”

Slowly, I sit up and cross my legs beneath me. “Do you think I’m going to be okay?”

“I know you’re going to be more than okay.”

“What’s going to happen to everyone inside God’s Haven?”

Abigail stands and walks over to my bedroom window that faces another building. “I think we’re going to work on knowing everything there is to know about God’s Haven, so we can figure out who these people are and how to take them down.”

“What about…”

I don’t get to finish before she cuts me off, “All the victims will be taken care of.”

“But how do we know who’s a victim, and who’s not?” What a horrible word. Victim, it sounds so degrading. I don’t want to be a “victim.”

“That’s why you’ve been talking to the people I work with, so they can get all the information they need to help everyone who wants and needs help.”

I sigh and look away from her. “I am strong, aren’t I?”

She lets out a sound, somewhere between a chuckle and a full-on belly laugh. “You’re learning how to read. Consuming every book that hits your hands. Tell me, what did you do last night after we got home?”

“I cried.”

“And after you cried?”

I look to the floor, where I pick up To Kill a Mockingbird and smile. “I read.”

“And why are you reading? You don’t have to.”

“Because I love learning.”

“Strong people want to challenge themselves, they’re thirsty for knowledge, they don’t want to sit by and let someone else make all their decisions. You made your own decision the moment you decided to leave God’s Haven. That is strength.”

“I’m strong,” I say in a small voice, still looking at the book. “I can do this.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I want to do this because I can.”

“And there she is, the girl who can.”

“Who’s here?” I look around because Abigail is talking about someone else.

“I’m talking about you, Luna. You’re the girl who can.”

I smile once I understand what she’s talking about. “The girl who can.” I nod my head. “I like that.”

“Are you hungry? I can make eggs and toast for breakfast.” She takes her phone out of her pocket and looks at it. “Elise will be here soon. You need to get up and get ready for her.”

I feel better about myself. Well, kind of. My head wants to fight with me, trying to tell me how I belong in God’s Haven, and that I’m nothing more than whatever the Elders say I am. But another part of my brain fights and says I’m so much more. I know I haven’t found who I’m supposed to be yet, but I know I’m already more than what the Elders ever told me.

“Did you hear what I was saying?” Abigail says, snapping me out of the heaviness in my head.

“No, I didn’t. I was thinking about how the Elders always said girls are dumb and can’t be educated. Part of my brain wants to believe that, but another part is telling me it’s not true. I’m not dumb.” I clear my throat and smile. “We’re not dumb,” I say correcting myself. “I’ve just got to figure out which voice is louder.”

“That’s what Elise is here for, to help you through it. But.” She looks down at her phone again. “You have to hurry up, because if you don’t, you’ll still be in your pajamas. Eggs and toast?” she asks again, standing at the door waiting for my answer.

“Just toast, no eggs. Thank you.” Abigail gives me a small head nod, before turning, closing the door to give me privacy.

Ha. Privacy. Something I never had while in God’s Haven. And it’s something I relish now.

Luna, I’d like to introduce you to Maria,” Elise says as she steps aside to let another woman enter Abigail’s home.

“Hello,” I say timidly and take a step back.

“Hello, Luna. I’ve heard a lot about you. My name is Maria, and I’m a tutor.”

“What’s that?” I make no movement to step closer to her, instead finding the presence of Abigail comforting.

“A tutor is like a teacher. I can help you with reading, writing, mathematics. Anything you need help with.”

“Mathematics?” I look to Abigail in question.

“Mathematics is numbers. Everything from adding, to subtracting, to multiplication.”

Panic fills me. What are all these things she’s saying? My heart beats quicker as my blood runs faster through my body. I hate not knowing something. It always makes me anxious when others talk.

“We can get to mathematics a little bit later. We thought you might like to learn more about reading, and writing, so Abigail and I found you someone who can help.”

“You knew?” I ask Abigail.

“I did. And Elise and I looked at a lot of tutors, but Maria was the one we chose for you.” She’s so happy with herself.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You just did this without asking.”

Abigail looks to Elise, the smile on her face quickly replaced with worry. “Luna, we want to give you the best opportunities we can, and I felt you were ready to be challenged. I know you’re going through books quite quickly, and I know at some stage, there’ll be things we can’t help you with. Which is why we brought in Maria.”

I know they mean well, and I really shouldn’t feel like I do. But it bothers me that they didn’t give me the choice. This makes me feel bad, because I feel like I have to decide if I should be angry at them, or appreciate them. The right decision doesn’t take long for me to get to. “Next time there’s a decision to be made about me, can you allow me to be part of it, please?”

Abigail hugs me and whispers, “Sorry.” She lets me go, and backs away.

“Of course,” Elise says in a softer tone.

“Maria?” I ask as I step forward, away from Abigail’s comfort. “Your hair is very curly. And you look very different from Elise and Abigail. Abigail has slanted eyes because she’s half-Chinese. Elise has pale skin and eyes, but you’re in between both. Not pale, and not dark.”

Maria smiles at me. “My parents are from Italy. Here, I’ll show you, but can we sit first?”

“How about we sit in the living room?” Abigail offers.

Once Maria and I are seated, Abigail and Elise head into the kitchen leaving Maria and me on our own. “This is a world map. Have you ever seen anything like this before?” She opens a thick book and offers it to me. I shake my head, but I’m totally mesmerized by the pretty shapes and colors. “This is called a map. It shows us all the countries of the world.”

“There are so many.” My eyes are drinking everything up.

“There are one-hundred-and-ninety-five countries in the world that we know of. There could be many more, but these are the ones we know.”

“Wow,” I whisper. “Where are we?”

She points to a big land mass, all the same color. “We’re here. We live in a country called United States of America. But people call it America, for short.”

“It’s so big.” My brows frown as I think about how much I’ve missed out while I was in God’s Haven. There’s a lot to see and discover, and they had us in there with no idea that there was something much bigger beyond the wall.

“This is where we are.” She points again to America. “And this is where my parents are from. I was born here, but they were born in Italy.” She points to a totally different area.

“How did they get from there to here.” I point to Italy, then America.

“They came over by plane. Do you know what a plane is?”

“The Elders said the flying machines were looking for people who weren’t damned so that they could save them and bring them to us. We’d see them up in the sky and wonder if they’d ever found anyone. When there was a new Elder who’d come into God’s Haven, they…” I pause and think back to the new Elders. “Actually, they never really said much.” I huff in frustration. “Again, we were kept in the dark.” Shaking my head, I stand and walk over to the window, watching the street below.

“Luna, are you okay?” Elise asks, appearing from the kitchen as if she knew something’s wrong.

How do I express to her the frustration I’m feeling inside? It’s a combination between being angry with myself, and angry with the Elders. And so much guilt. Shaking my head, I decide to hold it back for when I can get my mind into a coherent state. “I’m okay. There’s a lot going on up here.” I tap my head. “But I don’t know how to get it out yet.”

“When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

“And me,” Abigail says from beside Elise.

I smile again, this time feeling goofy. I like how they’re here for me. “Thank you, for being here, and for Maria.” Turning to Maria, I say, “I’d love to learn everything you can teach me. About the world, about the numbers thing, about everything.” I head back over to her, and sit.

“Something I’ve always found interesting, is how different countries have different languages.”

“Languages?”

“Yes, here in America we speak, read, and write English. But not all countries do. They each have their own language. In Italy, where my parents are from, they speak, read, and write Italian.”

“Not everybody speaks like us?” How fascinating.

“No, just like not everybody looks the same. As you pointed out when you met me, Abigail has a different eye shape from you and me. Elise’s features are much fairer. Mine are much darker. We’re all different. Including countries.”

“Wow,” I whisper. I’m absorbed by what she’s saying. “I want to go to Italy, to hear them talking, and to see how different it is there from here.”

“One day you can. You can go anywhere you want.”

“Tell me about more countries.”

Maria chuckles. “America has two countries we share borders with. See here.” She points to the top. “This country is Canada, and see here.” She points to the bottom, “This country is Mexico.”

“What are these?” I start to sound out the words in America. “Florida? Cali-cali-fornea? Texas? That one is easy to read and say.”

“All these are called states. America has fifty states. And each state has its own name.”

“Look how big Canada is in comparison to us. And…” I stare at the name, trying to sound it out in my head before I say it. “Greenland. That’s so much bigger. Is it green and that’s why they called it Greenland? And wow, look at that one.” I point to a huge country. “Russeyeah.”

“It’s pronounced, Russia. Like this. The two ‘s’s are a shh sound. And the ‘i’ and ‘a’ together makes an ‘ah’ sound.”

“That’s confusing. Russia,” I say, repeating how Maria said. She nods her head. “That’s much bigger than us. How long would it take to go from here, to here?” I point to us, then to Russia. “Or from here to here.” I point to a smaller country further below Russia.

“That’s Australia. And to travel to Australia, it’s about sixteen hours by plane. Depending where in America you’re leaving from.”

“I want to go there, and there and there.” I start pointing to everywhere on the map, completely hypnotized by the possibility of everything I’m yet to discover. “Makes me realize how small I am.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s so much out there that’s bigger than I am. Even if I live forever, I don’t think I’ll get to see everything. With you showing me this.” I tap on the map, “I want to see as much as I can.”

“Nothing’s stopping you from seeing everything. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to see, the only limitation is you.”

Something happens inside me, like a switch has been turned on. Nothing is stopping me but me.