When Ella had asked for volunteers to cover a Saturday morning clinic at the unit, in addition to the weekend on-call rota for deliveries, Izzy had felt she needed to step up and make the offer to be there at least twice a month. All of the other midwives had partners or children, so it made sense for her to volunteer and it was nice to get an extra day off in the week instead sometimes. It didn’t matter to Nonna and Pops whether she spent time with them at the weekend or during the week, they loved it all. The area the unit covered seemed to be edging out beyond its original boundaries and there was an obvious need to offer flexibility to dads-to-be, who often wanted to accompany their partners, but didn’t always get the time off work that the mothers-to-be were entitled to.
Izzy had no issue with running the Saturday clinic this weekend, but she couldn’t say the same for her Sunday plans. Going to church wouldn’t have been on the top of her list of priorities and having dinner with the vicar afterwards was less appealing still. He might have been even better looking in the flesh than in the pictures Emily had shown her, but if he was going to start his own Instagram account to cash in on the hot vicar thing, she didn’t want to have to witness it, let alone offer him advice like Nonna had suggested. He’d probably be stopping every five minutes during the dinner to take pictures of himself and ‘capture the moment’, which would be a filtered and edited version of the reality. Although it was probably healthy to take all that stuff on social media with a pinch of salt, it was her mother’s fault that Izzy didn’t believe anything she saw.
Kirsten had put another post on Facebook that morning, with a video of her holding a photograph of Nonna, tears apparently streaming down her face. She’d said how much she missed her mum, between perfectly orchestrated sobs, and how it broke her heart not to be there when her mother was ill. Izzy’s skin had prickled in that now all-too-familiar way, as her fingers itched to write the response the post deserved. Maybe if her mother didn’t spend all her money on lip fillers, she could afford a flight home to see the mother she professed to love so much. The fact that she went months between calling Nonna was even more indicative of how much she really cared. But there was already a stream of comments under the video, telling Kirsten how brave she was and empathising with her pain. Izzy could actually taste the bitterness as she looked at her mother’s face on the video. She couldn’t have explained why she did it to herself if someone had asked her, but she didn’t seem able to stop looking at Kirsten’s posts. Sometimes the ability to bury herself in her work really was a godsend.
‘Hi Nicole, it’s great to see you again.’ Izzy shook off thoughts of her mother as her next patient came into the room.
‘Is it okay if my husband, James, comes in? He hasn’t got a wedding today, which is pretty rare at this time of year.’
‘Of course, come on in. Nice to meet you James, I’m Izzy.’ She gestured for them to sit down. ‘So, weddings keep you busy then; are you a photographer?’
‘No!’ James laughed. ‘Just as well as Nic thinks I’m useless at that. Even with an iPhone I can’t take a decent photo apparently! I’m a teacher at Port Agnes Primary, but I’m also the verger at St Jude’s, so I get roped in to helping at the weddings.’
‘Oh, so you’re working with Noah then?’ Izzy tried to pretend it was a casual question, but she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the locum vicar since they’d met the day before. She told herself it was because Nonna was spending so much time at the church, but there was something about him. He’d been so completely different to what she’d expected, both as a vicar and as the sort of person who had an Instagram following based on how handsome he was. If she’d been looking for someone, neither of those labels would have remotely appealed to her, but she just got the sense there was so much more to him and she couldn’t pretend she didn’t want to know what that was.
‘Yes, Noah’s great. A breath of fresh air after Reverend Sampson, I must admit. Do you know him then?’
‘Not really, but my grandmother has been helping him out with keeping the garden ticking over, while Reverend Sampson’s away. I’ve only met him once.’
‘You’re Eileen’s granddaughter?’ James smiled. ‘I should have put two and two together and realised it was you who delivered Noelle. We were away visiting some family for Christmas, but I heard all about it and read the article of course, but they called you Isabella and I’m easily confused!’
‘I can’t believe that was you.’ Nicole’s face brightened. ‘I feel like we’re in even safer hands than ever now. If you can cope with an emergency delivery in the church, anything else will be a breeze.’
‘Hopefully we won’t have to deal with anything quite that dramatic.’ Izzy looked at Nicole again. ‘How have you been doing? You look a little bit pale.’
‘I’m just worn out, that’s all, and it’s making me do stupid things.’ Nicole bit her lip, suddenly looking as though she was trying not to cry. ‘I was pre-washing a load of Gracie’s clothes and I didn’t notice a dark grey hat mixed in with the white sleepsuits; now they look all dirty and at least third-hand. Then there’s the bear…’
‘Oh, sweetheart, don’t get upset again.’ James took hold of his wife’s hand, as her voice cracked. ‘It doesn’t matter, we can get it all sorted.’
‘We don’t even know if they’re going to be able to fit us in again and it’s money we can’t afford.’ Nicole took in a shuddering breath and turned to Izzy. ‘We went for the 4D scan and they recorded Gracie’s heartbeat and put it inside a bear for us, which I put on the windowsill in the nursery. When I was sorting out the room, getting everything ready for her to come, I left the window open to air it out for a bit. I forgot to go back up and close it and the wind must have blown it out. The front of our cottage is right by the road and, by the time we realised, it had already been run over, heaven knows how many times.’
‘Don’t they keep a recording of the heartbeat on file?’ Izzy could see how upset Nicole was, but James was right, it was nothing that couldn’t be fixed.
‘Apparently not and they want to charge us to record it again.’ Scepticism was written all over James’s face.
‘My parents paid for the first 4D scan and doing it again is something we can’t really afford after the IVF. I know it’s not important really, but I can’t bear the thought that I’ve lost something so precious.’
‘We could always record it here; the quality might not be as good, but I’ve got an app on my phone that I’ve used before to record the heartbeat for women whose partners couldn’t be at the check-up where they heard it for the first time.’ Izzy shrugged. ‘It’s worth a try and I think it’ll be better quality than just recording a voice note on your phone.’
‘It’s definitely worth a try.’ James nodded. ‘And I’m sure there’ll be someone online who can put it into a bear for us and it’ll be a lot cheaper than going back to the 4D place.’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ Nicole widened her eyes. ‘I know how busy you are and I don’t want to hold you up if it takes longer because we’re trying to get a recording.’
‘Of course not.’ Izzy smiled. ‘Shall we get it done before we take your blood pressure? That way we might get a more accurate reading, because hopefully you’ll feel a bit less stressed.’
‘Sounds like a good idea! Thank you so much.’ Nicole put a hand on her bump, her face wreathed in smiles. Being a midwife could have its tricky moments, but sometimes there were days like this when the small things she did made so much difference to someone, and all the hard bits seemed insignificant. She wouldn’t change her job for the world and there weren’t many people who could say that.
Frankie was putting out chairs for the antenatal class she was running with Jess. It would be nice to have the chance to spend a bit more time with Jess and hear how things were going with her new family.
When Frankie had first returned from New Zealand, Jess had still been working very few hours while she cared for Teddy – the baby who’d been abandoned on her doorstep when he was just hours old. When the little boy had been moved on to his permanent adoptive home, Frankie’s heart had broken for her friend. Jess had decided to start fostering when she’d discovered she’d never be able to have a baby of her own without fertility treatment, and it was obvious how much she loved Teddy. So it must have been unbearable to have to let him go.
Frankie had found it devastating enough to say goodbye to her daughter, Nadia, and her two gorgeous grandchildren when she came back to England, and she had wondered if Jess would ever be able to face fostering again. But Dexter, the social worker Jess had met during her fostering assessment, had evidently been there for her every step of the way. And it looked as if he and his stepson, Riley, were the family Jess had been looking for all along. She really hoped so, because Jess deserved it more than anyone, though Frankie knew only too well that not every ‘happily ever after’ really did last forever.
‘You look great, sweetheart.’ Frankie nodded to emphasise her words as Jess walked into the room. She’d earned a reputation over the years for mothering the younger midwives, and Jess was a similar age to Nadia. Gwen might be the oldest member of the team, but her sense of humour meant she was more the risqué one than the mother hen. Jess had always been someone who Frankie was drawn to looking out for even more than the others, because the younger woman didn’t have a family of her own, having been fostered herself. Jess might be tiny, but she spent a lot of time pretending to be tough to get through the things life had thrown at her. It was so nice seeing her finally being able to lean on Dexter for support, and Frankie had meant every word she’d said about how good Jess was looking.
‘Dexter just sent me a video message from Riley. He’s waiting up for me after his dinner and bath, so that I can read him the new Sir Charlie Stinky Socks book that arrived today.’ Jess grinned. ‘I’ve just got to make sure I remember to use the same voices for the characters as I did last time, otherwise Riley can be a pretty harsh critic!’
‘I’ll have to borrow it. I’ve been recording videos of me reading stories for Mo and Remi since I got back from New Zealand.’ Frankie suddenly had to swallow hard, the emotion catching her unexpectedly. ‘I just want to make sure they don’t forget me.’
‘As if anyone could forget you.’ Jess reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘It must be so hard, especially after spending all that time with them. Will you be able to go back again soon?’
‘I’m saving as hard as I can, but it’s more getting enough time off that’s the issue. It’s not really viable to fly all that way for just a couple of weeks. Anna and Ella have been brilliant with all of that, but I can’t keep coming and going. It’s not fair to everyone else at the unit.’ Frankie felt as though someone was physically reaching into her chest and tugging on her heart when she thought about her daughter and grandchildren. Nadia seemed to be coping brilliantly since the breakdown of her marriage, but juggling shift work and a young family wasn’t easy at the best of times.
‘I’d hate to see you leave, but have you thought about moving out there permanently?’
‘I don’t think I’d meet the criteria. I’ve been wishing more than ever lately that I’d completed my midwifery training, but I think that ship has sailed now. I’ll be fifty-five next month. But at least Nadia managed to finish what I never could.’ Frankie sighed. She’d married Advik straight out of school and had only completed two years of her midwifery training before falling pregnant with Nadia. She’d always intended to go back but, two years later, she’d fallen pregnant with her son, Harish, and life had just got in the way. When the kids had gone off to university themselves, she’d taken a job working as a maternity care assistant and going back to finish her own course had seemed selfish. Then she’d split from Advik and it hadn’t seemed financially viable, and now it felt too late. ‘Anyway, Hari is getting married next year, so I could have more grandchildren in the UK before too long and I’d feel just as guilty and split in two about leaving them behind.’
‘I don’t think you should write it off as being too late. You might even be able to get credit for your earlier studies and you already know everything there is to know about being a midwife.’ Jess gave her a nudge. ‘I’d trust you to deliver my baby, if I ever had one.’
‘How are you feeling about all of that?’ Frankie scanned her friend’s face. Jess was still running the infertility group that she’d set up with Anna. She’d told Frankie and the others that she’d never intended to have fertility treatment herself, deciding to foster instead, but that was before Anna and Toni had started their own families. Jess was godmother to Anna’s twins, Kit and Merryn, and it wouldn’t have surprised Frankie if she’d changed her mind about trying treatment.
‘Part of me is finding it hard to let go of what I had with Teddy, but it feels like Riley’s what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. I get to be mum to someone who needs one almost as much as I want to be one. We’re like a match made in heaven.’ Jess grinned. ‘And Dexter’s not too bad either! So, I’m not saying we won’t ever try to be a family of four or more, but if we do, for me, being pregnant and giving birth is such a tiny part of it. I probably shouldn’t admit that, as a midwife, should I?’
‘I think every mother-to-be should hear that from someone. They also need to know that the tough early years are actually the easy ones. I want to tell them having all the control is the easy part. It got toughest for me when Nadia met Ryan in her gap year after uni. I could feel in my bones that he wasn’t right for her from the outset, but I couldn’t do anything about it. Having to stand by and say nothing when they announced they were moving to New Zealand was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done, when I just wanted to beg her not to leave me! Just make sure you and Dexter relish having Riley all to yourselves for as long as it lasts, although I know you will. The three of you being together makes me smile every time I see you.’
‘Riley could always use a proxy grandma, if you’re up for the job? Although, if Gwen gets her way, you might be fixed up soon with someone who’s got loads of grandchildren of their own who you can dote on.’
‘If Gwen gets her way, she’s more likely to fix me up with someone far too young to be a granddad!’ Frankie pulled a face. ‘But I’d love to be a stand-in grandma for Riley and I’m up for babysitting whenever you want.’
‘He’d love that.’ Jess squeezed Frankie’s waist. ‘And if you ever want to come over and just hang out, you know you’re always welcome, don’t you? I remember only too well what it was like being separated from family and, even though nothing will make up for that, we’ve always got wine in the fridge and Dexter can whip up a mean lasagne. Just promise me you won’t be on your own when you’re missing them the most.’
‘I promise.’ Frankie blinked back the tears that were stinging her eyes. If she had to be anywhere in the world missing Nadia and the children, then there was nowhere she’d rather be than in Port Agnes. However good Gwen’s intentions might be, she wasn’t interested in trying to find a man to fill a void in her life that couldn’t be filled by another person. Maybe it was time to find out whether it really was too late to finish her training, because apart from being a mother, being a midwife was the only job she’d ever wanted to do. And what she did for a living was one thing she still had some control over. It was now or never.