Noah had got the call from James the night before and he hadn’t been able to sleep at all. Hearing the news that they had lost their baby had been like a punch in the stomach. They were both such lovely people and Noah knew just how long they’d dreamt of being parents. He had encountered too many broken families over the years to be able to make sense of James and Nicole losing a child, when so many parents who should never have been granted that title seemed to have no problem bringing new lives into the world – only to fall far short of what their children needed. He couldn’t help picturing Robbie’s face again, the desperation in his eyes when he'd reached out for help, and that last time Noah had seen him, when it was all too late. Robbie’s parents had failed him at every stage of his life and then the church had failed him too. If that young man had grown up with parents like James and Nicole, his life would have been so different. He’d still be here for a start.
James’s call had taken him right back to that night in London when the doubts about his faith had grown until they’d almost overwhelmed him. Noah should have been assuring James that faith would guide him and Nicole through their darkest days, but it had been down to James to talk about turning to God for comfort. At worst, Noah was a total fraud and at best, he’d been useless to James when he’d needed him most.
Heading to the church had been almost automatic. Before the events in London had started to unravel everything he’d believed in, sitting in an empty church had been Noah’s sanctuary whenever times were tough, or he needed guidance on a decision. Since then, he hadn’t once experienced that same certainty that the church was where he’d find his answers, but it was like a muscle memory was sending him there anyway. Pablo trotted along behind him, as always, his faithful shadow since the first night Noah had taken him home.
‘What am I supposed to say to them?’ The words echoed around the empty church and Noah waited for an answer he knew wasn’t going to come, but he raised his voice all the same. ‘I said, what am I supposed to say to them?’
‘Are you talking to me?’ Noah nearly fell over backwards at the sound of the voice from the far side of the church. Izzy emerged from the shadows, her face obviously pale even in the low light.
‘No, I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise you were there.’ Suddenly his decision to keep the church open at all times had a potential downside. He’d had no idea there was an audience to overhear him.
‘I just wanted to be somewhere I could think and Nonna seems to get such comfort from being here. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better about what happened with Nicole, but I don’t want to hear any more about how it wasn’t my fault.’ Izzy shook her head and held a hand to her chest. ‘I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but I suppose I just wanted this feeling in my chest to lift, because I’m frightened it never will.’
‘James said you were with Nicole when she found out. That must have been so hard for you.’ Every other time Noah had seen Izzy her eyes had been sparkling – it was probably the first thing he’d noticed about her – but today they were dull and red-rimmed.
‘It’s not about me and I shouldn’t be making any of it about me, but I feel so guilty it’s overwhelming. I should be focusing on Nicole and James, but I can’t get past whether I could have done anything differently.’ A single tear rolled down Izzy’s cheek and Noah wanted to rage against the injustice of it all again. Everything he’d heard about Izzy – from her grandmother, Reverend Sampson and James – told him that she gave everything she had to her work and cared about every one of her patients, but now she was being tortured by the idea that she hadn’t done enough and he still couldn’t find the words he was supposed to be able to use to give comfort at times like this.
‘From what James said, there was nothing anyone could have done. When they were on holiday the hospital told them there was nothing to worry about, but some time between that appointment and yesterday, things changed and it was very unlikely anyone could have prevented what happened to Gracie.’
‘Ella spoke to the hospital and they think the placenta just stopped working, but we won’t know for sure until the results of the tests are all back.’ Izzy wiped away another tear. ‘I should have pushed Nicole harder to go for another scan when she got back home.’
‘James said she didn’t want to, because she’d convinced herself it was all in her head and she didn’t want to be induced because she desperately wanted to try and do it all naturally. Nicole’s tormenting herself about what she could have done differently too, but this is no one’s fault. Not Nicole’s and certainly not yours.’ Noah didn’t move, even as Izzy began to walk towards him.
‘So why has it happened then, to someone like them? Aren’t you supposed to tell me it’s all part of some great plan, because if it is I think it’s the stupidest and cruellest plan anyone’s ever had.’
‘You’re right.’ Noah looked at the woman standing in front of him and he couldn’t bring himself to pretend for a moment longer. ‘There aren’t any words for this. I know what I’m supposed to say, the verses I should quote to try and make sense of all of this. But I’m not going to stand here and say I think there’s a reason for this when it’s so bloody unfair. How can I say there’s a God in the middle of that? I shouldn’t even be here, not any more.’
‘Are you saying you don’t believe’ – Izzy waved an arm around – ‘in any of this?’
‘I’m saying I don’t know any more, I haven’t for a while.’ Noah let go of a long breath. ‘Sorry, you came here to try and work through your own problems; the last thing I should be doing is offloading mine.’
‘Actually, knowing that even you aren’t sure about things kind of helps. I think maybe I got the wrong idea about you in more ways than one.’ Izzy held his gaze for a moment and he gestured towards one of the pews; he suddenly wanted her to know everything and whatever she thought of him afterwards, at least for the first time in months he wouldn’t feel like a fraud.
‘This could be a long story, so maybe we should sit down?’ He wasn’t going to ask what her ‘wrong impression’ of him had been. It wasn’t the time and it didn’t matter anyway. All he knew was that he wanted to be honest with her. He’d hardly shared what had happened in London with anybody outside his family and his superiors in the church, but for some reason he needed Izzy to know.
‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.’ Her eyes searched his face and any last shred of doubt he might have had about opening up to her disappeared.
‘I know, but I understand what that weight of guilt on your chest feels like and that it doesn’t matter what anyone says about it not being your fault.’ Noah still couldn’t tear his eyes away from her face, and there was no judgement there. ‘There was a young man, Robbie, barely out of teens, who came to my church in London for help. His parents kicked him out when they discovered he was gay at just sixteen. He’d been stealing alcohol from wherever he could get it for years, ever since he’d started to have feelings for other boys and it spiralled into drug addiction. By the time I met him, he was sleeping rough and doing whatever he needed to make the money to feed his addiction. His parents were members of a church which still took a zero-tolerance stance to same-sex relationships and as desperate as he was to go home and get help, he couldn’t. But he was still drawn to seek solace in the church and I was grateful that he chose mine. I managed to get him a bed in the hostel the church ran and I took him to a drug counselling service, who got him on a programme to try and get clean.’ Noah hesitated; knowing what was coming next didn’t make it any easier to tell the story.
‘It sounds like you helped Robbie a lot.’ Izzy reached out and touched his arm, and he wished he could end the story there, but she needed to hear it all.
‘It was all going as well as we could have hoped, but then I encouraged him to try and build bridges with his family. He told me how desperately he wanted to and I knew that he’d never really be at peace until he did. I thought if they saw how much progress he was making, they might finally be able to see past their prejudice. Robbie had even been accepted on an access course to university. He wanted to be a nurse and I knew he’d be brilliant at it. I thought if they just saw the person he’d become…’ Noah shook his head. ‘I should never have helped him go home to see them. He didn’t have enough money for the train fare, so I bought him the tickets. If I hadn’t done that…’
‘He’d have found a way, whatever you did.’ Izzy’s words echoed what his godfather had told him at the time.
‘I know, but there’s a chance it might have been just enough of a barrier for him not to go.’ Noah swallowed hard. ‘As it was, he went home and they weren’t any more ready to see him than they’d been before. He still wasn’t welcome in their home. I found out later that they gave him 2,000 pounds on the condition that he never came back again. Can you imagine anyone doing that to their own child, or putting so much money into the hands of someone struggling with addiction?’
‘I can’t believe anyone still thinks like that, let alone the parents of a child who just wanted to be loved.’
‘It seems crazy to me that someone should be expected to live less than half a life and it’s another reason I’m struggling with my role here. Sadly, Robbie reacted exactly as I thought he would, turning his anger on himself and seeking oblivion in drugs.’
‘With all that money?’
‘I thought he’d spent every penny on it, but it turned out that he’d used almost half of it to buy this little guy.’ Noah scooped Pablo onto this lap. ‘For the next few weeks he came back to the church every few days and I tried to get him to start over on the drug programme, or go to the hostel again, but he wasn’t interested. He went back to sleeping rough and spending time with men who used him, to pay for drugs. He loved Pablo, though, and whatever happened he made sure his little pup always had enough food. It was the main reason he still came to see me, I think, but no matter what I did or how hard I prayed for Robbie, nothing worked. Then one night he made me promise to make sure that Pablo would be okay if anything happened to him. I kept saying I wouldn’t need to make the promise if he let me help him, but he was virtually begging in the end and so I did. Afterwards I wondered if he’d have fought harder to keep going, if he’d thought Pablo needed him.’
‘You can’t blame yourself for making that promise.’ Izzy’s voice was gentle and Pablo wedged himself between the two of them on the pew.
‘I can’t help thinking that my promise gave him the permission he was waiting for. The night afterwards it was freezing and I went down to the church to see if there was anyone sleeping rough in the porch, which happened quite often during the winter. When I saw the sleeping bag, I knew it was his, because Pablo’s head was sticking out of the top, but I couldn’t see Robbie’s face.’ Noah stopped again, tipping back his head. He’d give anything for the story to end differently, but it was far too late for that. ‘I called out, but there was no answer and when I eventually pulled back the top of sleeping bag, I knew he was already gone. That crushing weight you describe, the guilt of failing him, settled in my chest the moment I realised he was dead.’
‘You tried so hard and he obviously thought a lot of you to ask you to look after Pablo.’ Izzy reached out to stroke the little dog, who instantly responded by nudging her for more attention.
‘It wasn’t enough though. After that, I started to question everything. My godfather pulled some strings to get me down here, because everywhere I turned in London I saw Robbie and reminders of people like him whose problems I couldn’t solve. But if it hadn’t been for Pabs, I don’t think I’d have got through.’
‘Sometimes terrible things happen that you can’t do anything about and Robbie would never have asked you to look after Pablo, if he hadn’t thought you were a good person.’
For a moment Noah couldn’t respond and then his eyes locked with hers. ‘I want you to remember everything you’ve just said to me. James said you were amazing with Nicole, but sometimes terrible things do just happen. I’m not going to pretend I know why, not any more, but you can’t blame yourself for what happened with Gracie.’
‘Maybe I should borrow Pablo for some pet therapy?’ Izzy managed a half smile and some of the weight in Noah’s chest lifted. He felt better for having shared everything with her. He still wasn’t entirely sure why, but maybe it was because she was a kindred spirit, capable of understanding just how much guilt could weigh you down. The truth was, he liked being with her and the more time they spent together, the more he realised just how much.
‘You can borrow Pabs any time, but you’ll have your own therapy dog soon. I was going to call Eileen later, to let her know that the vet said Franny can go home. Are you still going to call her that?’
‘We are and it turns out my grandparents had a bridesmaid called Frances, who Nonna used to work with back then, but all her friends called her Franny. I think I’m going to need to give our little Yorkie a lot of cuddles.’ Izzy reached out to stroke Pablo again, at the exact same time as Noah did; their hands brushed against one another’s.
‘Sorry, I—’ Even as he started to apologise, Noah forced himself to admit that the only thing he was sorry for was the fact he couldn’t do anything about his growing attraction towards Izzy. He was a mess and he was headed who-knew-where as soon as Reverend Sampson came back. Not to mention the fact that Izzy was in the midst of a really tough time herself, not just because of baby Gracie, but because she was facing up to losing her beloved grandmother too.
‘Maybe we could take Pablo and Franny for a walk together some time? If the vet thinks she’s okay to have some contact with other dogs.’ Izzy’s suggestion filled the silence between them and he nodded.
‘I’d like that.’
‘Thank you for sharing Robbie’s story with me. You might not believe it, but it really helps to know I’m not alone in feeling so guilty that I didn’t do enough. I’m still really sorry that you had to go through that though.’ Izzy leant forward and kissed him on the cheek, the light floral notes of her perfume evoking a far more carefree kind of summer and he already missed the scent once she’d pulled away.
‘Telling you and being honest about everything has helped me too. If James asks me why this has happened to them, I think the best thing I can do is be honest and say I don’t have the answers they’re looking for. I need to speak to my godfather and my dad again, too. It’s time I was honest with everyone about how I’m feeling. Including myself.’
‘Just don’t rush into anything.’ Izzy’s hand brushed against his again and, if he’d been in a position to do what he really wanted, he’d have curled his fingers around hers.
‘I won’t.’ It would probably have been better for Noah to leave the church as soon as possible, but sitting side by side with Izzy, he found the promise not to rush into leaving an easy one to make.
Nerves were bubbling up inside Izzy. It was her first day back at work since Nicole and James had lost their baby daughter, three days earlier. Ella had insisted that she take a couple of days off, but in a way, it had made coming back into the unit all the harder. There was nothing to do but think about what had happened and it was only when she’d met Noah in the church that some of the crushing guilt had started to ease. Going with Nonna and Pops to pick Franny up from the vets the next day had been a welcome change in focus. There were still posters up in local shops and in the veterinary practice, advertising that a dog had been found, but for now she was back at the houseboat with them and within hours, she’d settled in as if she’d always been there. The vet had said she could go on short walks, meeting up with a maximum of one other dog at first, until she’d built up a bit of strength and resilience.
Pops had tried to pretend at first that he wasn’t keen on the idea of getting a dog, but Franny had quickly worked out who the soft touch between her grandparents was. When Izzy had put her grandfather’s rain mac on to take Franny out for her second quick walk, she’d discovered that the pockets were already filled with dog treats. Izzy had a funny feeling that Franny wasn’t going to stay skinny for long and she could already see that Nonna and Noah had been right – Pops and Franny would be perfect company for one another when the time came. She just hoped her grandmother would be around for as long as possible first.
Pops and Franny had walked Izzy up to the unit on her first day back at work. The vet had given clear instructions on what constituted a short distance, but Pops was more than willing to carry the little dog if she started to flag. Izzy would be in clinics all day, so there was no need to take the car, and walking had seemed like a good way to prepare for the day. Except now that she was here, she felt anything but prepared.
Nonna had gone up to the church and Izzy had found herself wishing that she had one more day off, so that she could have gone with her. She’d seen another side to Noah when he’d opened up to her and she knew for certain now that he was a million miles from the way he was portrayed on Instagram. What he’d been through with Robbie had obviously affected him deeply and he couldn’t be less like her mother. Kirsten wore her new-found faith, if you could even call it that, like a badge of virtue to demonstrate her ‘goodness’, but exhibited none of the actions to underpin it. Noah, on the other hand, lived by the kindest of values and even if he didn’t recover his faith, she was certain that wouldn’t change.
Talking to Noah had made her realise something else – how lucky she was to have found a calling that she’d never once questioned. There’d been a few dark hours, in the middle of the night after Nicole’s scan, when she’d wondered if she should still be a midwife. But there was nothing else she’d ever wanted to do, and she couldn’t imagine changing her mind, even as she’d agonised over whether she could have changed the outcome. Noah’s story had reminded her that some things were outside of her control. The text she’d picked up from James that morning had been incredibly generous too.
✉︎ Message from James Stroud
Hi Izzy, I just wanted to let you know that Nicole will be coming home soon. We’ve been able to keep Gracie with us in the CuddleCot, but we have to say goodbye eventually. I wanted to thank you for being there when Nicole found out that Gracie had left us and for the care you showed her when you took over as her midwife. I’ll be speaking to Noah about a service for Gracie and I really hope you’ll feel able to join us. It would mean so much to both of us. Take care, James.
The CuddleCot allowed parents of stillborn babies to spend precious time with them and she was so glad that Nicole and James had been given the opportunity to be with Gracie. The situation was never going to be anything but incredibly painful, but whatever could make it a tiny bit more bearable had to be a good thing.
None of that stopped the frisson of nerves as she waited for her first patient to arrive. Jules Sheldon was twenty-four weeks pregnant, and Izzy would be checking the baby’s heartbeat like she had at hundreds of other consultations, but this first time after Gracie was bound to be different.
‘Hi Jules. Come on in. How are you feeling?’ Izzy’s smile was hurting her cheeks, but she couldn’t let her patient know just how anxious she was. She had to push through it.
‘I cannot wait to have a lie down. This little madam has been keeping me up all night this week, tap dancing on my bladder and performing somersaults that the Cirque du Soleil would be proud of!’ Jules’s words were exactly what Izzy had wanted to hear. The baby was active and making her presence felt in no uncertain terms.
‘It sounds like she’s making the most of the space whilst she’s still got it. She’ll be running out of room for those sorts of acrobatics before you know it.’ Izzy managed a smile, but her thoughts were never far from Nicole. Ella had suggested that she might want to make an appointment with the NHS counsellor attached to the unit, but she didn’t feel ready to open up to a stranger about it. Confidentiality meant she couldn’t say a lot to her grandparents either, so talking to Noah, who’d already heard what had happened from James, had been really important to her.
‘I don’t know why anyone enjoys being pregnant. I can’t wait to be a mum, but I can see why some Hollywood celebrities with the means to do so use surrogates!’ Jules pulled a face as she got onto the examination table. The back was still tilted, so she was in a sitting position. ‘There are all these women on the Facebook group I’m in, who are having naked photoshoots to show off their bumps. My stomach looks like something out of a horror movie already and I really don’t want to capture that moment forever.’
‘You look great.’ Izzy tried to read Jules’s expression. Her tone was jokey, but if there was any suggestion that her pregnancy was making her depressed, rather than just uncomfortable, Izzy needed to be alert to it. ‘How are you feeling, apart from the physical discomfort that is?’
‘A bit like I’ve lost control of everything. My body is doing whatever it wants and I don’t like any of it.’ Jules was still doing her best to sound jokey, but Izzy hadn’t missed the look that had crossed her patient’s face. There was more to this than just the stretch marks.
‘Is there anything in particular that’s worrying you?’
‘It’s all of it really and the whole thing was a bit of a shock.’ Jules’s attempt to smile again didn’t quite work. ‘We were trying for a baby, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly and I know I should be grateful…’
‘You don’t have to apologise for how you’re feeling.’
‘That’s what Tom said and he’s been great. But from the moment I saw the line on the stick I couldn’t stop worrying. We were in the middle of trying to move house and Tom was looking for a new job. Moving down here from London was always our plan once we started a family, so we could afford for me to cut my hours down and have a house, instead of a flat.’
‘Moving house is supposed to be one of the most stressful things you can do and having a baby is the most life-changing event any couple can go through, so everything you’re saying about how you’re feeling is completely understandable.’
‘Everything just happened so quickly. The flat sale raced through and we found a three-bed semi on the edge of Port Agnes. I went from living in one of the busiest cities of the world, where I could meet up with friends at the drop of a hat, to living somewhere I’d never spent more than a weekend. The last time I felt like that was when I was fourteen and my parents split up. Mum moved us two hours away and I didn’t have any say in what was going on. I just wanted something to give me back some control.’
‘Was there anything you did back then to help you cope with how you were feeling?’ Izzy was definitely going to suggest a referral for some counselling, but if Jules had found some helpful coping strategies before, there was a chance they could help now too.
‘I did, but they weren’t positive.’ Jules let out a shuddering sigh. ‘The only thing I had control of was my eating and for a while I stopped altogether. But I couldn’t sustain that, and eventually I started bingeing and then making myself sick.’
‘Are you worried about that happening again?’ She kept her tone as gentle as possible, trying to convey that nothing Jules said would make Izzy judge her.
‘It already has.’ Jules’s gaze met hers and her eyes filled with tears. All pretence that she was finding the hard parts of her pregnancy a joke had disappeared. ‘I know I shouldn’t be doing it, but it’s not that easy to just stop.’
‘Does Tom know?’ It sounded as if Jules’s partner was really supportive and she was going to need to be honest with him and herself if she was going to get the help she needed and Izzy knew just how hard that could be.
‘I can’t bring myself to tell him. I don’t want him to hate me for putting our baby at risk, just because I can’t deal with how my body is changing, or because I feel overwhelmed by getting what I wanted and having a baby. I’m the worst person in the world.’
‘No, you’re not. You’re just struggling and thousands of women do too.’ Izzy squeezed her hand. ‘If you had anaemia or another physical issue related to your pregnancy, you wouldn’t be blaming yourself for it, would you?’
‘No, but I feel like I’m making a choice to do this.’
‘It’s not a choice. You’re not well and you need help to get better, exactly like you would if you had anaemia, and there are lots of things we can do.’
‘Does Tom have to know?’
‘It’s all confidential, but most people find that having their family or partner’s support helps.’
‘I don’t want him to know that it’s my fault if there’s anything wrong with the baby.’ Jules put a hand on her bump; guilt would have been written all over her face even if she hadn’t said how terrible she felt.
‘All your scans are normal and your baby’s growth has been completely on track for dates, but you need to look after yourself so that you can look after her when she arrives. You’ve already done the very best thing for both of you by admitting how you’re feeling when I know how hard that is. That makes you a great mum in my book.’
‘I should have worn waterproof mascara.’ Jules tried and failed to stop her eye make-up from running down her cheeks. ‘But I didn’t have any intention of admitting what’s been going on.’
‘I’m really glad you did.’ Izzy handed her a tissue.
‘You should become a spy if you ever want a change of career.’ Jules’s jokey tone was back for a moment. ‘But seriously, thank you for not making me feel judged. I’m already judging myself enough for the rest of the world.’
‘I understand that feeling, but I think if I put you in touch with some specialists they’ll really be able to help.’ Izzy would make a referral for Jules to the perinatal mental health team. Eating disorders in pregnancy were one of the most common issues they dealt with and just knowing that might help Jules to realise she wasn’t alone.
‘I’d like that. I’d hate my little girl to grow up watching me having all of these issues with food and risk her mirroring what I’m doing.’
‘There you go again, proving what a brilliant mum you’re going to be.’ Izzy smiled. ‘We can get your referral sorted out today, but shall we see what your little lady is up to first?’
‘Yes please.’ Jules lay back against the pillows and, seconds later, when the baby’s heart was beating its steady rhythm for them both to hear, it was all Izzy could do not to cry. She might not have been able to prevent what had happened to Gracie, but she was going to keep on fighting to do the best for all the women she met, and their babies. It was the job she’d been born to do and she was so grateful she’d found it.