Izzy’s decision to take Franny for a walk up by the church couldn’t be passed off as coincidental and if she did bump into Noah, she was going to have to admit to him why she was there. She had a feeling he’d understand, though.
Wondering how Nicole and James were doing was taking up a lot of her time and she could almost guarantee that Noah would be feeling the same way, but there was also a good chance he’d heard from James. Izzy had thought about contacting Nicole, but the last thing they probably wanted to do was deal with a barrage of messages asking how they were feeling when the answer was blindingly obvious. Instead, she’d left a card and a potted ‘Grace’ rose, with beautiful apricot-coloured flowers, by their front door. Part of her wondered if she was just trying to avoid having to face Nicole again, but either way she had to find out from Noah if she and James were okay. Or at least as okay as they could ever be again.
Izzy had taken Franny up to the church in the dog carrier she’d bought online, which was like a cross between a rucksack and a baby sling. It seemed a better option than carrying the little dog in her arms until she was fully recovered and it meant Izzy could take her on some longer walks than she might have been able to do otherwise. Once they reached the footpath that started at the edge of the churchyard, on the opposite side to the vicarage, she lifted Franny out of the carrier and smiled as the terrier skipped off down the path. She was getting stronger every day and Izzy snapped a couple of photos on her phone. It would give her an excuse to message Noah if she didn’t see him, to let him know just how well Franny was doing. But she couldn’t deny how much she was hoping she would bump into him. He might be in the midst of questioning whether he’d chosen the right profession, but he’d helped her so much and she really wanted him to know that.
It was the time of year when the footpath was at its most overgrown, with brambles, nettles and wild flowers making the track so narrow at some points that she had to turn sideways or duck to avoid getting snagged or stung. It didn’t look as though anyone had been along the path in a while, so the chances of meeting Noah seemed fairly slim.
The path forked off after about two hundred metres, with the option to head across the field towards the coastal path, or to loop back around towards the church. Franny wasn’t quite ready for a marathon trek down to the harbour and Izzy wasn’t entirely convinced she was either. She’d been out on a home delivery until the early hours of the morning and, right now, an afternoon sitting on the deck of the houseboat listening to an audio book or a podcast was suddenly very appealing.
‘Come on sweetheart, I think that’s far enough for today.’ Izzy patted her leg and turned back towards the church yard. With a burst of energy, Franny shot past her down the path, squeezing through a damaged section of the churchyard wall. It was nowhere near big enough for Izzy to follow, so she had to scramble over the top instead. Cursing herself for letting the dog off the lead without knowing how she’d react, Izzy didn’t stop even when she scraped her leg on one of the rough stones lining the top of the wall. If Franny really was a runaway then there was a good chance she had form for this and it could be the last time they saw her. Just picturing her grandparents’ faces if she went back to the houseboat without Franny was enough to send her sprinting across the churchyard as soon as her feet hit the floor.
Suddenly the sound of frenzied barking filled the air and before Izzy had the chance to panic again, she spotted the little dog in a standoff with Pablo. There wasn’t much between them height-wise, but the dachshund’s body was almost twice as long and he seemed determined to stand his ground.
‘One day someone’s going to challenge you and prove that you’re all mouth!’ Noah picked Pablo up and smiled as he spotted Izzy. ‘Sorry, he seems to think he owns the churchyard. I normally keep him on a lead, but I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here.’
‘No, it’s my fault. I should never have let Franny off. It’s just so nice seeing her having the energy to run about again.’
‘She’s looking amazing.’ Noah bent down to stroke Franny, as Pablo tried to wriggle free. ‘I’ll let you down again, but only if you promise to play nicely.’
‘I was hoping I might bump into you actually. I wanted to say thanks again for the other day – talking to you helped a lot.’
‘You helped me a lot too.’
‘Have you decided what to do?’ Izzy realised she was holding her breath waiting for his answer. If he’d decided to leave right away, this might be the last time she saw him and just the thought made her shoulders sag. She had no right to even have an opinion, but she still didn’t want him to go.
‘I rang my godfather and he’s coming to see me later. I promised not to make any rash decisions in the meantime.’ Noah shook his head. ‘I can’t imagine anything he could say to me that would make me feel better about standing up in front of a congregation when I don’t know if I believe what I’m saying, but apparently he thinks he can. I can’t go anywhere for now anyway, because—’
The sound of footsteps on the path made Noah turn before he finished his sentence, and Izzy followed his gaze. Nicole and James were heading towards them, their bodies pressed so close to one another that it was impossible to see even a chink of light between them. Nicole looked exactly like Izzy had expected her to, her skin deathly pale, almost translucent, and her eyes swollen, making it obvious just how many tears she’d cried for her baby. Izzy was desperately trying to think of something to say that wouldn’t sound trite and meaningless, but there was no such thing as the right words for a moment like this.
‘Nicole, I’m so sorry.’ It was Noah who spoke first. ‘I can’t imagine how difficult losing Gracie is. I’ve already said this to James, but if there’s anything I can do that you think could help in any tiny way, just tell me and I’ll do it.’
‘Thank you.’ Nicole’s voice was so quiet it was barely audible. ‘That’s why we’re here, we want to ask if Gracie could—’ She shook her head, unable to finish the sentence, leaning even closer into James.
‘We want Gracie to be close to home.’ James turned to Noah. ‘Somewhere we can spend time with her and where we know she’ll be taken care of. We’d like her at St Jude’s so I can check on her every time I’m up here.’
‘Absolutely, just let me know where you think is best for Gracie and we’ll make it work.’ Noah’s tone was so gentle and Izzy could see that the way he was speaking about Gracie was making things a little bit easier for her parents. Talking about their baby as a person who mattered and asking what was best for her, acknowledged that she would always be James and Nicole’s daughter. He might not be sure about his calling any more, but he had more of a gift for helping people than he’d ever realise.
‘Thank you. It’s good that you’re both here, because we wanted to thank you too Izzy, not just for the beautiful rose bush, but for being there when Nicole needed someone more than she ever has.’
‘I—’ Izzy had been about to say it was nothing, but that would have been a lie, because she’d never forget those moments with Nicole for as long as she lived. She wanted to tell them that she wished things could have been different, but they all wished that and it didn’t change anything. ‘I’m just so sorry you lost Gracie, she was so loved and that was obvious from the moment I met you both.’
‘She was and, even though our hearts are breaking, we want to find some way to celebrate all the love Gracie brought into our lives, which is why I was going to message you both about plans for her funeral.’ James’s voice was strained, but it was Nicole who winced at the mention of their daughter’s funeral. ‘We’d obviously like you to take the service, Noah, but we wondered if you’d be willing to do a reading, Izzy?’
‘Of course.’ The words felt awkward in her mouth, even as she nodded. Guilt at not being able to stop Nicole losing the baby washed over her again and it was all she could do not to ask why on earth they wanted her to do a reading at the service, when she’d failed them.
‘I’m so glad we had you as our midwife.’ Nicole’s voice was barely audible, but there was fire in her eyes as she looked at Izzy. ‘Because of you we’ve got Gracie’s heartbeat recorded and, when I listen to that, it’s like there’s still a part of her here and no one can say that she didn’t exist, or that she didn’t really live, just because she never took a breath.’
‘No one would ever think that.’ Even as Izzy said the words, her heart seemed to drop in her chest, because from the way Nicole’s face had crumpled it was obvious that someone did.
‘Our neighbour said that exact thing and I have to believe she was only trying to comfort us.’ James shook his head. ‘But to stand in front of Nic and say that it could be worse because at least we didn’t have a chance to get attached to the baby after she was born, and then lose her… I try to live by the principles of my faith, but in that moment I could have been capable of almost anything.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Izzy couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and squeezing Nicole’s arm. ‘I saw how much you loved Gracie and I know how much a part of your family she’ll always be. I also witnessed her acrobatics at your check-ups and the look on your face every single time we heard her heartbeat, or you showed me a picture from her 4D scan. Gracie is your daughter and there’s nothing harder than losing a child, whatever age they might be. Anyone who says otherwise is incredibly lucky never to have known a loss like that, but also incredibly stupid to even begin to think they can understand how that feels.’
‘Which is exactly why we want you to do the reading.’ James nodded again. ‘You’re one of the few people who saw how alive Gracie was, and the support we’ve had from people like you and Noah is what stops me doubting that God is still with us, even at the worst time in our lives. He’s put the two of you in our path, and other people who are helping us to get through this.’
‘You’re an incredible person, James. You both are.’ Noah looked for a moment as if he was going to say something else, but it was James who filled the silence.
‘We have to trust in our faith. It hasn’t been easy, but if we don’t, we’ve lost even more and so has Gracie.’ James let go of a long breath. ‘We’re going to spend some time here this afternoon if that’s okay and work out exactly where we want her to be. It means so much to us to get this right.’
‘Take as long as you need, but I’ll be up at the house if you want to come and see me afterwards, or just message me if it’s easier.’ Noah clipped a lead onto Pablo, who for once had been sitting quietly at his feet, as if he’d known how difficult the conversation going on around him was.
‘Thanks Noah.’ James broke off from Nicole to hug his friend, before turning to Izzy and doing the same. ‘Thank you again, too. I’ll be in touch about the reading, but it means so much that you’ve said yes.’
‘I’m honoured to be asked.’ Izzy bit her lip, determined not to cry. She just about managed to hold on until Nicole and James reached the part of the path that disappeared behind the back of the church.
‘I don’t know how they’re staying so strong and I’ve got no idea how I’m going to find the words to lead the service. James has got more faith than I’ve ever had.’ Noah’s eyes met hers. ‘Thank goodness they’ve got you. I know just how much having Gracie’s heartbeat recorded means to them.’
‘It’s not fair, they don’t deserve this, and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling like I could have done more for them.’
‘That’s what makes you so good at what you do.’ Noah looked at her and she had an almost overwhelming urge to lean into him, the way Nicole had leant on James. ‘You really have made a difference to them and just having you to talk to is helping me hold on for long enough to be there for Gracie’s funeral. I don’t know if I could do it otherwise.’
When she looked up at him again, she couldn’t hold back the urge to lean into the space between them. A second later she’d pressed her lips against his and suddenly he was kissing her back, as if he’d been waiting to do it for a long time.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.’ It was Izzy who’d pulled away first, but the truth was the only reason she’d been able to stop was because she’d suddenly realised that Nicole and James might follow the path all the way around the church and see them kissing.
‘I’m not, even though I know I should be, which for the millionth time proves you’re a much better person than me. I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you. If I didn’t know I’d be leaving soon, I might even have summoned up the courage to tell you how I felt, but I didn’t want to make things any more difficult for you than they already are.’ Noah picked up the end of Pablo’s lead, which he must have dropped when they’d kissed, and sighed deeply. ‘If you need me, you know where I am, but I understand if you feel you’d rather talk to someone else from now on.’
‘There’s no one else I’d rather talk to.’ Izzy’s sentence had ended exactly where it should, but she had to give it a caveat all the same. ‘About Nicole and James.’
‘Me neither.’ Noah’s gaze held hers again for a second, just before he bent down to scoop up Pablo, who seemed very reluctant to leave Franny behind. ‘Wish me luck with Jeremy. I think I’m going to need it.’
‘Good luck.’ Izzy held up her crossed fingers to back up her words. She really did want luck to be on his side, because if things didn’t work out with Jeremy, there was every chance he’d leave St Jude’s as soon as he’d honoured his promise to James and Nicole. However much she might try to deny it and however much the things he’d said might make perfect sense, she couldn’t pretend that the thought of Noah leaving didn’t make her want to steal his car keys and let down his tyres. Anything to stop it happening.
Nicole and James had come to the vicarage half an hour after Noah had left Izzy in the churchyard. Finding the location they’d chosen for Gracie on the plot plan in the study, his shoulders had slumped with relief when it had shown there was enough space exactly where they wanted her to be. They’d settled on a date for Gracie’s service too, and when James had phoned the undertakers to make sure it worked for them, Noah hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Nicole’s face. She looked like a hollowed-out version of the person he’d met only weeks before. He recognised that look, because it was the exact same expression Robbie had worn when he’d talked about losing his whole family after they’d rejected him. There was a gap in their lives that no words could fill.
Nicole’s lips were moving with a barely audible whisper the whole time James was on the phone, but the little Noah could hear made it obvious she was praying for strength. Staring that sort of faith in the face made him feel more unqualified than ever to lead Gracie’s service, so he just had to hope that Jeremy would have some advice that could help him make sure he didn’t let everyone down.
The doorbell at the vicarage sounded about twenty minutes after James and Nicole had left. Pablo shot along the corridor ahead of Noah, yapping loudly to ward off anyone who might dare to cross the threshold, even though he’d lie on his back with his legs in the air as soon as they did. That dog would do anything for a tummy rub.
‘Uncle Jeremy, Dad.’ The last word was almost a question, such was Noah’s surprise at seeing his father standing on the doorstep behind his uncle.
‘I thought I’d come and help Jeremy talk some sense into you.’ His father was already barging past and through the door, but Noah didn’t miss the expression on Jeremy’s face, or his raised eyebrows.
‘Sorry.’ His godfather muttered the single word as he followed Noah’s father into the house. No doubt he’d been press-ganged into letting Rodney accompany him.
‘Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee?’ Noah asked, the older men having already made themselves comfortable in the two fireside chairs, which had clearly been well used by Reverend Sampson.
‘Whiskey would be better.’ His father eyed the crystal decanter on the sideboard.
‘That’s Reverend Sampson’s, not mine.’
‘Just replace it later, I’m sure he won’t mind.’ As usual his father’s tone brokered no argument.
‘Uncle Jeremy?’
‘I’ll take a coffee, seeing as it looks like I’m driving us back.’ Jeremy raised his eyebrows again and Noah left them to their conversation while he sorted out the drinks, his father’s voice booming down the corridor as he headed back with the pot of coffee.
‘Can you imagine how it would look if he gets defrocked? There’d be no hiding from it when he’s all over social media the way he is and how’s that going to reflect on me?’
‘He hasn’t committed a crime for goodness’ sake.’ Even the ever-tolerant Jeremy sounded as if he was running out patience with Noah’s father. ‘The worst-case scenario is that he’ll need to resign, but I’m hoping it won’t come to that either.’
‘I keep trying to tell myself that, but he’s still banging on about that homeless boy.’
‘You know how hard that was for him and now his friends have lost their baby. We’ve all had things that have tested our faith.’
‘Not me.’ There was an air of superiority in his father’s tone that Noah knew of old and he wished more than ever that Jeremy had been able to prevent Rodney from coming with him.
‘Lucky for you that you’ve always been perfect then, Dad.’ Noah set the coffee pot down on the table in front of Jeremy and put a good inch of whiskey into two of the crystal glasses next to the decanter. He was going to need something to numb his senses. Even Pablo had taken to his basket in the kitchen, the little dachshund undoubtedly a good judge of character.
‘Your trouble is you expect the world to be perfect and for everything to be fair.’ Noah’s father shook his head. ‘If you were half as clever as you think you are, you’d realise it’s a lot more complicated than that.’
‘Rodney, you really aren’t helping by talking to him like that.’ Jeremy was desperately trying to keep the conversation friendly, but Noah would rather hear what his father really thought.
‘Let him say what he wants to, he’ll only do it in the end anyway.’
‘Don’t get all sensitive, you’re more of an old woman than your mother.’ Rodney rolled his eyes. ‘Your trouble is you want everything to be black and white, and you’re too arrogant to realise that you don’t know it all because you can’t understand why God doesn’t step in to every situation you think He should.’
‘Oh, I’m the arrogant one?’ Noah’s jaw was aching from clenching it so tight.
‘I think what your father is trying to say is that God doesn’t promise to prevent suffering, he just promises to ensure that good will emerge for those who love Him, and from what you’ve said, James and Nicole do. You just have to trust in the promises He’s made.’
‘That makes it worse in a way. If I was in their shoes, I’m certain I’d have lost my faith altogether.’ Noah swallowed hard. ‘Maybe I never even had it in the first place.’
‘I don’t believe that.’ Jeremy’s tone was gentle, but insistent.
‘And you’d better not go around saying it either.’ Rodney was much more forthright. ‘By all means have your meltdown and work through this navel-gazing phase you’ve decided to have all over again, but make sure you keep it to yourself.’
‘And there I was thinking you’d have some words of advice for me, or at least some of comfort.’
‘I’m not going to say your father’s right’ – Jeremy seemed to have his eyebrows permanently raised, which was understandable given the way the conversation was going – ‘but once you put those doubts out there, it’ll be really hard to convince people they’ve gone away. Just give yourself a bit more time and keep your mind open, that’s all I’m asking. Lots of people do go through this, you know.’
‘I bet not many of them are vicars, though.’ Noah took a large slug of whiskey, the amber liquid burning his throat almost as much as the emotion he was trying to choke back.
‘You’d be surprised.’ Jeremy clapped a hand on his shoulder.
‘How can I stand up there in front of the congregation in the meantime? I’m supposed to be leading Gracie’s funeral and the words I say will be so important to James and Nicole.’
‘Just go back to your bible.’ Jeremy nodded. ‘All the answers are there if you look for them.’
‘That won’t do for my son. He’ll need it spelt out to him.’ Rodney had already drained his glass and he held it out to Noah for a refill. ‘God allowed his own son to die for our sins and he’s not putting your friends through any more than he was willing to go through himself.’
‘If you think I’m going to stand up there and say that to them, then you’re even more out of touch with reality than I thought you were.’ Noah poured another inch of whiskey into his father’s glass. With any luck he’d fall asleep halfway through his next diatribe and Noah might actually be able to have a useful conversation with his godfather.
‘I don’t think this is helping anyone.’ Jeremy put his hand on Noah’s shoulder again. ‘I’ve found that urging those who mourn to give all their troubles to God is what helps them most. When there are things we as human beings can do nothing about, no matter how much we want to, it can destroy us. Putting those problems in God’s hands frees us from that. Even if you don’t believe that’s the solution, James and Nicole clearly do, so all you have to do to help them is to tell them what they already know.’
‘And it really doesn’t matter if I don’t believe what I’m saying?’ Noah locked eyes with his godfather, who gave an almost imperceptible nod of his head.
‘Whatever you believe and whether you come out of this crisis of faith or not, I know you want to help. There are good things and there are God things. If you can only do good things at the moment, that’s enough. Helping James and Nicole find comfort in their faith is a good thing, even if it isn’t a God thing for you right now.’
‘Thank you.’ Noah breathed out, some of the tension in his body releasing into the air too. Jeremy’s words really had helped. As long as what he did for James and Nicole helped them in some way, he wasn’t going to agonise over the rest. His godfather was a wise man and maybe for once even his father had said something useful, because keeping his crisis of faith private was the right thing to do, at least until James and Nicole didn’t need him any more.